Hi all
As you can see my selected femme name is Julie. It started out as a name grab when setting up a TG profile on a on-line RPG. And it has stuck. Even my therapist is not interested in me changing it. Funny how spur-of-the-moment things can be permanent.. But that is just one "funny" thing.
My story is not odd I guess but it sure is to me. I am M(?)2F 62 yo, semi-retired, single, grandsomething to 5 boys and my trans-ness kind of snuck up on me. For the longest time over my life I have felt that there was a road not taken. A box un-opened. Something was not quite just right. Hey why don't you smell that rose?. Nope. WTF am I missing. My family life growing up was idyllic. Mom, Dad and siblings. No abuse or other socially negative environment. Never had the urge to cross-dress. Life just was. But looking back the urges may have not risen due to the Southern small town environment and even now I measure out as strongly androgen but not full blown TG. I did not know what "gay" was until middle school and that was just a word without definition. And at whatever point I learned what cross dressing was it was more in the light of "Chester the Molester". Maybe that is the view the conservative right sees us. As I have thought, my family life was like "Beaver Cleaver" in many ways. But as things are faced, I think what would my life be like if Jazz Jennings had lived next door to Beaver. I think differently. A lot differently.
So about 10 or so years ago, I decided to let that box be looked at. Did I suppress something. Was there a horror denied. At the time I did not know. I only knew that life was not quite as it should be and it was time to figure out "it" and find some peace. So I pondered. Allow things to go where they would. It was not lack of college degree, It was not a broken marriage. A lousy relationship with my children. Those were results of not looking in that box. I had lots of nots. I was/ am not gay. Then slowly, so slowly it occurred to me. I did have an interest in women's clothes styles but not on me. I did dress neatly and stylishly. At least I thought so compared to my peers and assigned gender. At the time I was buying storage units for resell and got women's clothes. Go figure, And tried them on. BING, BING, BING. OMG SO AWESOME. Panties hugging places that needed hugging. Tops, dresses, shoes not so much. Things not 100% all cotton. Silky things, Clingy things. SEXY things! OMG I was in heaven. Not really stylish but soothed my soul. Hmmm, maybe this is the box. Did not deny it. Let it flow. Looked for other options. None appeared. Go with it. Still allowing for another piece to pop out of that box.
Anyway, my transgender nature seems to fit things. Lots of other things fell in place, slowly. My soul felt right. I become more femme. Or maybe at this point not so masculine. That is a relief in and of itself. Bought more female assigned stuff. Dressed en femme as time allowed. Which now is many hours at a time. Shaven legs. Even put "Nail Hardener" on my nails. LOL. I am wearing at least 2 female items as part of my everyday wardrobe. Most times more.
Many steps. Few setbacks. Never purged. Was discrete but allowing femme to live. Loved living as my TG avi on-line RPG. Even fell in love with a man there. Finding my style en femme. It grew. I needed to talk. But who. This is still a small town. Just recently getting TG support group started. Could not go to a regular shrink. Needed a TG specialist. Found one. Recently found 3 more in the area. How times have changed so quickly. First contact was so hard. Did it. Went to see her. What a relief. Funny, she told me I am her oldest TG client. She is my youngest therapist. Need to get back with her. Had to drop seeing her due to family issues. But need some talking to soon.
That is a small part of if rambling TG story. What I have done I won't undo. Don't know where I end.
So, Julie's on her way.
