I will never know for myself..

Happiness is very elusive for me, as well. I have discovered yoga. Although, a lot of people treat yoga as a form of exercise, the true purpose is to gain clarity. Using the mind, body and breath, it is possible to calm the mind of intrusive thoughts to see your life in a different light.

For me, I spent over 50 years with depression and hating myself from repressing the fact that I was TG. Obviously, I was never happy for almost my entire life. Then I accepted that I wanted to be a woman and realized that if I transitioned or even made myself more feminine e.g. crossdressing and shaving my body, my marriage would be over. I would also lose most of my community of friends and possibly family members. So depression was replaced by gender dysphoria. Once again, I was not happy.

Finally, I gained clarity and stopped pressuring myself to be happy. Instead, I started to look outside myself for all of the good things I have ~ a loving wife and children, good friends, the beauty of nature, wonderful music and dance. I changed my focus from myself to others and found contentment in giving of myself to make people in my life happy. If I couldn't be happy, at least I could gain some gratification from contributing to their happiness. I still hate myself, I still have gender dysphoria, I can't say I am happy, but I can live with being content.

I hope that helps.

"Never" is a long time.  Things could change.

When I first started investigating being trans, I was told, "Follow the joy."  That was pretty hard to do when I had no idea what joy was.

Now, at four months on HRT and especially a month living full-time as Kathy, I am starting to realize that joy is being myself.  It is being able to express my gender freely and not worry about making excuses for it.  It is never having to put on a disguise ever again unless it's Halloween and I want to.  It is realizing that I have a wife who has the right stuff, more friends than I knew I had, and that even mere acquaintances have more class than I gave them credit for.

I found more joy in the last few months than I ever had in 62 years.  It feels light, like I have stopped carrying around a 200 lb suit of armour.

Well, that's an interesting question.  I can give you my experience, and how I got to a state where I would say I'm happy.

I spend almost my entire adult life with dysphoria, depression, and anxiety chewing at me to one degree or another.  I honestly thought that how I felt was how everyone felt, and thought I was just really weak compared to everyone else for the difficulty I had in dealing with life.  I honestly felt like I was faking it, all of my life.

When I started HRT and the dysphoria lightened up, I thought I was on some strange drug-induced high of euphoria.  Oh, I liked it, but I thought it was something artificial.  My therapist showed me my depression and anxiety 'scores' she logged.  My 'euphoria' was simply my depression and anxiety backing down from very extreme levels to something closer to everyday human life.  My feelings had shifted closer to the normal human experience.

Since I've started being myself full-time, and have gotten used to being out and about as myself, well, I'm doing better.  For the first time in my adult life, I am really, truly happy, without any thought of faking it. 

I'm me, largely at peace with myself, and I feel like I am finally living my life. There is a sense of tremendous calm, and joy at simple things.

I am happy.

Quote from: kallaran on June 03, 2017, 01:16:09 PM
I will never know for myself..

That can't be known but can be controlled. When my brother was young, he told my mother he wanted to be rich. This was an ambitious goal because often our menu selections were guided by the money that was available. My mother worked around people who were wealth so she learned how to do it and when the time came, she became well off while helping my brother become wealthy.

At age 13, I knew I was transsexual and there was only one treatment center on the other end of the United States. It looked impossible but I made it my goal, by 30 I had my surgery.

You need to decide what you want in life and then start making the decisions in life that will guide you toward that goal. It will be far from easy but many have done it without resources like Susan's. With the resources available today, it becomes far more doable.

I've always taken satisfaction in knowing that every step I've taken, every decision I've made, and everything I've seen is a completely unique experience that no one save me will ever be able to experience. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I kept a diary and in it I wrote "who am I kidding!  I'll never start hormones." That was December 2015.  I started HRT in March.  Stopped in July, started again in November and went full-time March 3, 2017.  Sixteen months can change a lot.

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Kallaran, don't think that way. It might seem that way right now but things can and do get better.

Hugs

Quote from: Cimara on June 03, 2017, 06:36:15 PM
Kallaran, don't think that way. It might seem that way right now but things can and do get better.

Hugs

I'll never be happy , I will continue to suffer unbearable pain. I deserve every minute of suffering that I waste trying to endure this world.

I have always been happy, even when I was stuck as a guy and couldnt tell no one.
I just spent my time doing things that made me happy, kept me focused and got me through the tough times, for me that was always saving up for cars, and working on em.
I never let myself get down about the way I was or what the other duds around me had to say. Anything negative they had to say about me was simply a sad reflection on themselves.
We have to be very strong willed for this approach to work and this can often lead us to forgetting for too long about transition and dealing with our inner battle.
I'm lucky I snapped out of it and dealt with myself now.
I am even more happy now.
I think anyone can achieve happiness if they truly believe and truly want to be happy

Quote from: kallaran on June 04, 2017, 05:51:07 AM
I'll never be happy , I will continue to suffer unbearable pain. I deserve every minute of suffering that I waste trying to endure this world.

That is exactly what many of us have dealt with. The answer for us was to transition. This may not be for everyone. You need to seek professional counselling and determine what you need or what is holding you back from being happy.

It can be done. We are living proof that there is help for everyone.