Hi every one, I know with HRT YMMV, I am just having a hard time I some times see male when I look in the mirror and some times female I feel like I am not getting any where I dont know how to upload pics on here other that my advitar pic. I have been going though all emotions and I do want to continue so I can become me I just hate seeing
no me in the mirror. I want to look good I know I will need a ton of FFS I see my Endo on the 15 of June and going to ask him to increase my meds. I just cant wait I want to be happy all of my life I was not happy and I want to be now I have live a fake life basically I want a real life

Hey Natalie. I'm FtM but I can relate.  I felt like you're feeling. It seemed like testosterone took forever to do anything. I asked my doctor to increase it so many times he threatened to discharge me. After I had been on T a while I started passing all the time. But when I looked in the mirror all I could see was the girl I hated so much. So even though my girlfriend and my dad and brother kept telling me I didn't need it I had FMS. I'm happy with how I look now. I didn't need FMS to be passable.  But I did need it to feel better about myself. From your avatar picture I think you look fine. But if FFS will make you feel better and ease your dysphoria then go for it. Just remember that we never look as bad to other people as we look to ourselves when our dysphoria is bad.

Lucas

Money, money, money... it's the only thing that solves all problems. Too bad all these surgeries are deemed cosmetic rather than medical. Imagine an evil queen from Narnia telling any cisgender woman, "Tomorrow you'll wake up as a grown man with years of testosterone changing all your bones and skin structure; your nose will enlarge, your jaw with broaden, your adam's apple will protrude, your feminine voice will deepen into a rough male's voice... your shoulders will broaden, facial hair will grow---- transform--- transform...... your feet will grow, your hips will shrink' *insert cackle*". It's not cosmetic, it's essential.

Hi Natalie!!!

I am sorry you are feeling yourself in a darker part of the journey right now but fear not!!! ...let me say that what you are feeling is something most all of us here, including me, struggle or have struggled with...

The way we perceive how we look is subject to a lot of influences... Our minds quickly accept what we see in the mirror as our " normal " ... The slow changes of HRT are very hard to gauge because of this.. Even after extensive facial surgery... Our minds can quickly adapt to what we see in the mirror as our normal to the extent that we can feel like the surgery did nothing to change how we look

It is a hard thing to overcome and much of the battle over how we see our new selves and not our old selves is a battle on the inside... Not on the outside... Self acceptance is at the core of all this!!!

I think your avatar pic is gorgeous btw!!!!... all will be well... Please be patient, loving and gentle with yourself... Falling into a pattern of self criticism can be such a trap that is hard to escape from!  You have an amazing life ahead my friend!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

Hi Natalie,

  Not seeing the you you want to see is a terrible feeling. I recently went through this same thing. I am not out there yet as myself. So I still dress in both modes. When in male mode I'm okay with it, though it is becoming my crossdressing mode more and more as I dress female more often. But when I am in female mode I see me as I prefer to be.
   One day after getting all gussied up and going about my business and feeling good, I passed by a mirror and saw not myself but an old DIAD. I felt like hell. I could see no part of me in that mirror. There was just that old man staring back at me. It crushed me, making me doubt everything I was doing to become the woman I believed I was inside. But she was gone. and it hurt.
   I did what you are doing I came online to these forums and opened a thread about it. Because I did I got responses and support from the good folks here and was soon resetting my emotions, thoughts and attitude. By the time I talked it over with my therapist I was back on an even keel again and it was just a minor subject for him and I to explore.
   Your hormones themselves can be part of your discomfort with your appearance as the can and do mess with your emotions. They can make you feel one way  and in moments twists those feeling right around and point you in the opposite direction. Having your endo increase your dose isn't likely to speed your transition up but it could intensify those fluctuating emotions. So be careful what you ask for.

   I hope you have settled down some by now. Keep a positive attitude that changes are happening as they are supposed to. And come talk it over with us here in the forums when you need too. We're here to help if we can Natalie.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

Hi Again Natalie!!!

I very much second what Laurie said about hormone levels... I had a period when my hormone dosage for injection was not quite figured out and my levels were running high... I was on a regular cycle of being darkly depressed and horribly self critical two days after injection when my levels were peaking... Getting proper dosage levels can work wonders!!!

Onward we go!!!!

Ashley

Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on June 04, 2017, 06:31:21 PM
Hi every one, I know with HRT YMMV, I am just having a hard time I some times see male when I look in the mirror and some times female I feel like I am not getting any where I dont know how to upload pics on here other that my advitar pic.

Go to imgur.com and get yourself an account. From there it is a simple click of button find the photo and upload to the site. You can decide who's see's what. When you click on a pic that you have uploaded it will give you a choice of code to copy and past into your susan post which once copy and pasted will make the picture appear in your post. You can take the picture down by blocking or removing the pic from the imgur.com site.

You cannot upload a picture to Susan's apart from Avatar pics

Feel free to PM me with any questions

Hi everyone one thank you all for your kind words and complements and advise, I so appreciate it so much it made me feel good hearing the I look good. I know I have been doubting myself and it is had I have never had any self confidence in myself. You all are very wonderful and look super hot yourselves I do get super envious of you all . 

Hi Natalie,

I just read your post and I thought I would send you a hello

It sounds as if you have been feeling a bit sad and down. I know it all seems too much of a journey at times but I can assure you that life does get better. I was just thinking this afternoon that it has now been 9 years since I started my transition and I've had a pretty rough time recently but life has been pretty wonderful. Sometimes it doesn't seem like that at the time!

If that is your avatar, well you are a very lovely young lady, I think you will be amazed at the effect HRT has upon you.

Love and Support

Cindy

Natalie, I don't have any great words of wisdom or anything but I just wanted to let you know I totally identify with how you feel.  I've been struggling with much of the same.  My self-esteem has been really low lately and I've been searching for any positive validation of my image just to try and feel better.  I'm also super anxious to see results from HRT although I've been on it even less time than you.  I also have certain feelings of jealousy for those that are further down the road.  Often times they serve as inspiration for me, a reminder of what my goals are and how much happier I'll be.  However, I am envious as well at times so I just try to remind myself that they paid their dues and worked to get to where they are, I have to do the same but I'll get there.

None of this has made those feelings of anxiousness go away but it has helped me deal with it better. I'm also trying to be more mindful now of all the successes I have experienced, how far I've come from where I was just back in February even.  Maybe the physical image hasn't changed much but a lot of other things that need to happen first have been accomplished.  I'm trying not to lose sight of that.

Oh and for the record, you are absolutely beautiful.  You have nothing to worry about that I can see.  I'm sure your transition will go very well