Seriously I don't even know where to begin.

I am 31. I knew, from 13, that I was a little different. I started experimenting with some "fun" things. Years passed by. It was ultra hard to fit in with my guy friends but I passed and passed nicely. Not perfect, but nicely. I was the emotional, philosophical one. Little less confident. Attracted to girls no doubt... But there were some "fetishes". All that basically developed into me accepting that I was "just a little girly". that's ok right?

Still attracted to girls... Years passed. Heavy depression. Friends gone. Kept doing those "fun" things. But I am still a guy and honestly I'm "normal"... Few years passed by. Started yearning to switch genders. Hating my body. Hating everything about it. All the Male things about it.

Still attracted to girls... Figured out I was a submissive. Managed to meet a girl. Love her. Very supportive. VERY. Socially anxious like me.

The yearnings came back though. The monotonous pretending to be a "manly man" got old. She accepted it. Told her about my fetish. She was OK with it. Lovely

Well, turns out the fetish was more than that. In fact, it was more of a yearning to be female. The jealousy and anxiety i feel when I see the body of a female that I want for myself. My jealousy for their gender, and all the things that come with it. I actually get depressed walking past a girls clothes store. Kinda wish I could go in and buy things for myself.

I thought... Am I gay? nah... I am not attracted to the male form. Can't change that... Would be easier, believe me... But no. Ignored it for years and not it's causing a lot of depression. Told my girlfriend I'm feminine. We go shopping for clothes together and it's really nice. Ofcourse, the clothes are for her. But that's ok... Not really...

Here's the crap part. I don't need the extra anxiety in public. If I transitioned I would not only ruin my relationship with someone I am attracted to and is extremely supportive, but I would not pass, at all, ever... Call me what you want... I want to be an attractive female. Passable. Not a spectical.

So I turned to booze... Do you know that stomach churning jealousy when you see a cis female enjoying her cbody, clothes, sex...? Yeah I feel that anxious mess everyday.

Maybe I am just mentally disturbed... Maybe some steriods would fix it right? haha... I didn;t know where else to turn. The Internet has always been my best friend. I am not happy... I'm ugly as a male, and would be hideous as a female. And I am attracted to females haha omg who would have me. I kinda want to run, but you can;t run from ->-bleeped-<- like this.

If there is anyone out there with a similar situation, I feel ya... It's ->-bleeped-<-. Ultra complicated. Ultra COMPLICATED.

Hi Suntanlotion, welcome to Susan's Place! There's all kinds of transgender people here, a lot of us aren't men OR women so we're completely happy presenting between the lines. One kind of transgender people that use the site are children, so please try to keep your language to a dull roar while you're here.    See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

ahh... Not sure if kids should be reading that post. Worth deleting IMO.

Just be aware that you're posting to an all ages crowd. 

I hear ya. sorry. Just a liittttleeee bit drunk cozzzzzz whatever loll :p thanks for the heads up

QuoteI'm ugly as a male, and would be hideous as a female. And I am attracted to females haha omg who would have me. I kinda want to run, but you can;t run from ->-bleeped-<- like this.

Hey there!

First of all, I am a lesbian MtF myself, so I'm not saying this just to sound nice, but I can actually relate to how you are feeling...

It is not as complicated as it may seem. You have the option to start living your life the way your heart truly desires, as in you can be the expression of yourself that your soul resonates with, or you can keep doing drugs to numb those feelings and let the fear of society's prejudice keep controlling your being...

However you decide, just know that artificial happiness cannot even compare to the joy you will discover when transitioning and discovering your one's true self...

Regarding the anxious mess that you are feeling...
F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real
...Our minds have a tendency to see obstacles, where in fact there are merely opportunities for growth!
Think of your mind as only a part of you. It only makes sense that your mind is doubtful, for since you were born, from every direction possible, they labeled you as a Male. Know that it is mostly your rational mind's resistance that creates the chaos inside your head, for rational mind fears the unknown... it likes nothing more than to be in a state of a comfort zone, however self-limiting and hurtful effect may that present, for our overall BEING...


With Love

Quote from: suntanlotion on June 06, 2017, 10:51:16 AM
I don't need the extra anxiety in public. If I transitioned I would not only ruin my relationship with someone I am attracted to and is extremely supportive, but I would not pass, at all, ever... Call me what you want... I want to be an attractive female. Passable. Not a spectical.

This is a very common issue in our transgender community.  But on it's most basic level it boils down to one single question.

Which pain is greater?

I am 54.  I have wanted to transition since I first discovered it was possible at the age of 19.  I was 26 or thereabouts when I finally had the resources to do it, but I kept putting it off in part because I thought I would never be passable.

In my forties I started having panic attacks because time was running out, so a year ago I finally took the plunge, got diagnosed and started hormones.  It turns out, I did not need to worry about passing.  After a year on hormones, I pass pretty easily if I pay proper attention to clothing selection and makeup.

If this is how you really feel, it is not going to get better as you get older.  Even if you think you will be totally nonpassable, still consider gender therapy and hormone therapy just for the psychological benefits.  But when you are young, the hormones can produce some pretty dramatic results.  I know some transgirls who started hormones in their late thirties, and the hormones have worked magic.  Even my own results have been pretty impressive.  So don't give up before you even try -- you are so very young, and there is much to be gained by trying.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Passing isn't the real goal but accepting yourself is. If you can't accept yourself, you will always feel like a guy in a dress no mater how well you pass. Possibly hormones would be enough to help you feel comfortable. You may only feel comfortable with a full transition. That is something for you to work out with a gender therapist. I knew what I was at 13 and sometime in my late teens I made a decision not to use booze or drugs to numb what I felt. This was because I knew a transition would be extremely difficult at a time when the internet didn't exist and I knew if I found that magic thing that made the pain go away, I wouldn't have the drive to get treatment. It was a long expensive journey however it was worth it. Let us help you with your first steps and it's up to you how far and fast you move.

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