After years of battling myself about coming out, I have realized that it was really stupid of me to put it off for 5 years, and really have just decided that I need to come out soon. My ultimate goal that I made years ago, was to come out and be seeing a gender therapist by age 21, and that means I really have only a few months left to finish my goal..

I don't feel too bad about putting it off for so long, since I did use that time to learn a lot about myself, which I probably wouldn't have learned if I had come out earlier... And my parents probably would have been less likely to take me seriously years ago than they would now.

I of course have taken the scary direction of deciding to come out in person, since I believe it is easier for someone to discredit a letter or text, than it is for them to try and discredit an actual conversation, and really they should believe it more through a direct conversation with me since I NEVER talk about my feelings directly to people.

Now, I just need to hopefully find a time when my mom isn't super stressed out, and my brother isn't in the house(I actually am dreading having to tell him eventually, since he is "openly homophobic").

My main fear, isn't so much that my parents will have negative reactions, but more that they will ask about my future plans, which I haven't really thought beyond the fact that I do want to see a therapist, get on HRT, and be able to legally change my name in the future(I hear California is really good on the last part). Ironically, I still haven't really chosen a name, I would like something that is relatively similar to my birth name, "Matthew"... just obviously something a lot less masculine, really like the idea of "Madison".

Mattie comes to mind as a feminized version of your name.

Picking a name is hard, I recommend making a shortlist and seeing what you feel comfortable with but I have to confess, I'm only down to my final 2 (Sophie or Claire) so appreciate the challenge.

I'd encourage you to consider beyond your birth name (not that there's anything wrong with it, just that it isn't necessary to be constrained by it). Few people get to choose their own name - it's a journey in self discovery in its own right.

Yeah... I guess I will just start making a list, I had actually found a name I liked ages ago, but forgot to write it down :/

I still find it funny, looking back at conversations I have had with my parents over the years where they have outright said things like "Oh, we knew you would be a boy so we never even thought about female names", unlike all of my other siblings who at least had one possible female name... not so much that I am mad at them about that, but just more of funny since I also am so far the only one of my siblings to be anything LGBT.

Anyways, doubt I will come out this week like I was hoping, my mom is just now getting over the flu, and I wanted to do more research in to how to respond if my parents possibly do have a negative reaction(doubt my mom will, not sure about my dad, 80% my brothers will have not so great responses). Also have been doing more research into my future plans for transition, like legally changing my name.

For now.. I am back to catching up on the show "I Am Jazz" since I finally figured out how to watch it on my PC.

First, congratulations on a very big decision.  It takes a lot of courage and strength but it sounds like you're beyond ready.  You've got this!!

As to your name, I like Madison personally.  However, I would agree with the making a list.  Narrow it down to a short list and if you can maybe even try each of them out.  When I was still deciding on my name I had it narrowed down to a list of three names.  I went on a weekend trip with my sisters and told them each day we'd try out one of the names.  They were totally on board.  We started with Alyssa and never made it to the next name on the list.  It felt so right when the called me Alyssa all day that I just couldn't imagine either of the other two names I had on my list feeling so natural.

I would encourage you to find a name that has some meaning for you too.  There's no rule that says it has to have any relation to your given name.  As someone else mentioned, we get the unique opportunity to select a chosen name so make it something you'll be proud of.  I won't recount it here, but there is a whole story of how I was inspired by the name Alyssa.  I also liked the meaning behind the name (it originally referred to a plant believed to prevent mental illness, much the way my transition is preventing mental illness). I also tried checking with my mom about what name they would had planned for me if I had been born with a female body.  I ended up not caring for either name but it did make my mom feel good to be included in the process.  Sounds like that won't be an option in your case.

Just some thoughts for you based on my experience, hope that helps.

One of my rules over the years of trying to choose a name, is that I wouldn't choose a name that is too similar to the name of any of my relatives, which actually narrows down the list pretty fast, due to having a fairly large extended family. Thankfully, they are generally names I dislike anyways. I think one of my biggest hopes, is that I can at least find a first name that starts with the same letter as my birth name, just because I love the letter "M".

Not even going to worry about my middle name at the moment, which has the same issue as my first, in that it is a very masculine name.

For now, currently trying to gather some easy to understand resources to give to anyone in the family who doesn't understand what being transgender means. Not too worried about my mom on that end of things, since her friend's husband is FTM, and from conversations over the years, she seems to have a pretty good understanding of what it means to be transgender(doesn't surprise me too much , since I recall she actually used to watch documentaries on transgender people).

Actually... I do still wonder if my mom knows I am transgender, to some degree? I guess I will find out sooner than later.. But there have been some interesting conversations with her in the past few years, I guess at the very least she knows I am very Pro-LGBT(I would be surprised if no one knew that, I don't exactly hide my opinion on the matter).

Congrats on your decision!  The name thing was a lot harder than I expected.  We ended up choosing among names with the same initials as my birth name, which we found to be a good, easy way to constrain things since I didn't have some name in my head that I was already set on.  The best advice I read was to look over the popularity of candidate names at the time of my birth, as popular names today may put one out of synch with others of one's generation.  If you'd rather have something memorable or distinctive, then just ignore what I told you.  It's just one way to look at it.  Now I'm terribly curious about your choice.  You must post it when you choose! 

Erin