My hair transplants are progressing very well but it will be months before I know the extent of coverage and months more to get nice coverage. Waiting is tough. Anyhow, I was coming back from electrolysis and stopped at WAWA to get a small bag of Doritos and a diet coke. This is my treat for 2 hours of electrolysis, of which almost 1.5 hours was on my upper lip, ouch. I wear a work cap. A guy held the door open for me. I noticed this happening almost all the time. I thanked him and proceeded in the store. Later when I got home I went to the bathroom and with my cap on and I saw for the first time me as a woman looking back. Not even a question about it, I was thrilled. Yay

Confession and doubt
A minute or so after I saw a very female face in the mirror I thought about my upcoming BA (pending paperwork from my PCP) and that I had some mixed feelings. They were:

1-I do not look female so what is the use.
2-Are the implants too small or too big or just right.
3-How will I deal with the change and peoples reactions (this is a big issue).
4-What is the use, I will never pass.
5-What if clothes still do not look right on me.
6-Will the implants provide me with a more shapely figure.

After I saw my reflection in the mirror I had more confidence and something that was lacking became apparent. I had not been excited for the BA. Now I am excited and really want the procedure. Every procedure so far has helped me feel better about myself. I would not undo the procedures I had and I really think they improved my quality of life.

Rachel,
   That is so thrilling to see the real you like that. Sometimes I think you should reread your own thread to see how far you have come. I am not one to say much about someone's looks. I just don't. I do think you should ease up on being so hard on yourself. I am in the same boat. Someone just told me to stop putting myself down. It really made me stop and say yeah I do that. What good is it doing me? So, the guys holding the door for you see you as female. I know anyone who can take 1 1/2 hours on the upper lip is tough. You are beautiful inside, I know this because I am familiar with your writing here, my dear. I just hope you and I can both learn to go further on this self acceptance thing. If you want to come visit me, you can see I won't  win any beauty contests either. (Duh there I go again!)
   Moni

Rachel: I'll say to you what the minister of my church said to me early in my new life.  "You are a strong woman - you can do it."  Perhaps you have reached the tipping point from "a trans-woman" to "a bit masculine but obviously a woman".  I do feel that is done by understanding yourself to be female and behaving as a woman.

Rachel, 
   Could you go over acquiring the dilators for Dr. McGinn. I thought you had said that she provided the first two. Is that correct. Do I need to be ordering them with two weeks to go. I can't find any info from her on this. Thank you!
Moni

Hi Monica, Dr. McGinn provided the #1 and #2 dilator. You will need to buy the #3 and #4 dilator and a mirror. She should have provided a pamphlet on how to dilate. The dilators are from Soul Source. You can buy them now via the net but you will have time afterwards to buy them. I got them ahead of time just to ease my mind. Good luck.

Hi Mary, thank you. I definitely have continued to grow in my transition and I am accepting myself more and more. As time passes what was so hard to do becomes easy and fun. I think I am going to make it.

The QUARDO's are done and the final step in the divorce is being done.

Mazzoni finally sent my ekg and paperwork to Papillion for my BA .

I explained to my therapist yesterday how I was feeling about my BA. She said it was normal to feel a little embarrassed to all the sudden have breasts when you had small breasts prior. I guess it is just some jitters I need to let pass.

In Saturday's mail we received copies of the Qualified Domestic Relations Orders for my pension and 403B retirement accounts divisions. Also, we received an e-mail that my wife will receive the last step in the divorce paperwork Monday.

I suggested we go to the gayborhood  and get burgers. The place has organic, grass fed, hormone free and antibiotic free meats and cheese's. Also, everything they offer is home made and super healthy such as fermented coleslaw. When we were leaving and going to the parking garage on Jefferson's Campus there was a large tent set up. Mia, a friend from group was there as well as 4 or 5 other transwoman. I walked over and we hugged and said hello. She invited us to stay a bit but knowing my wife I said thanks but we need to go. On our way to the car my wife started to comment about Mia's hair. I said she use to have dreads to her but and she is working on straightening her hair which was a few inches below her shoulders. I said she is really sweet. Then she said is she homeless and I said she sometimes stays with friends and out side. I then said she has a really upbeat personality and has a lot of friends. My wife then said ok, I am being judgmental and that is wrong. Perhaps she is getting better . One thing I noticed about myself, I walked away from my wife to hug Mia. It felt good and I was not embarrassed in the least bit even though my wife was looking on and I just did not care what she as thinking about me. Perhaps I too am getting better .

Today is the pride parade in Philadelphia. I am walking with work and working a table for work at Penn's Landing after the parade. I could openly discuss this with my wife and show her the cloths I will be wearing. Of course she said the obligatory "->-bleeped-<-gie parade" 6 or so times, but that is on her and not for me to own.

Rachel,
   I can't help but see the symbolism of you moving away from your wife and walking toward the warm and friendly. The friend you hugged may not have had it all together but you embraced her like you are embracing your new life. It will only get better.
Moni

I agree with Moni about the symbolism.  Better a messed-up friend than someone who is quite clear and not a friend.

New to barcelona, MTF transgender.

I really need to find a support group as I have only just restarted HRT after a long absence and have developed strong suicidal tendency from not having my HRT with already one failed attempt this year, I realy need a friend.

Thank you,

Hello Emily, welcome to Susan's place.

I am assuming Barcelona, Spain, is that correct? Is there a LGBT center near you or an LGBT area? If so you can call the center and visit the area and talk to some people and find out where there are resources and support groups. Remember, you are a beautiful and special person. There are people like us everywhere, you need to find them and get into community. Try Googling LGBT or trans support in Barcelona. You may find something easily.

Mary and Monte, I though about this as I was talking to my friend. In the past I would have had a lot of internal pressure and just taken whatever my wife said and not responded.

Final divorce papers signed and in the mail.

Hey Rachel,
I try to log into the forums at least once a year or so and this thread was listed as something that I once replied in. I looked back and saw that I commented on your starting hormones (I think the original thread about informed consent and Mazzoni). I just wanted to say how awesome that you are this far down the road, right?? Was it what you thought it would be? Are you happy? I think it's great that you documented your journey on here for other people to see Best of luck, Meghan

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on June 19, 2017, 06:51:25 PM
In the past I would have had a lot of internal pressure and just taken whatever my wife said and not responded.

Right!  You are finding your strength as a woman.

You are in the right place!! Nothing you've stated I haven't read of others experiencing the same. I know it's scary, but it's also scary living your life as someone other than who you are. Your fears are valid, and understandable, and I wish you the best of luck in becoming the real you! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!


xoxo

Hi Megan, I can not believe I am over 4 years on HRT. Some things are awesome such as dealing with my dysphoria and being who I really am. There are a lot of supportive and good people out there. Work is wonderfully supportive for the most part.  My only regrets is losing my marriage, which was a close friendship and straining my relationship with my daughter. I wonder what the future has in store for me Am I happy? In some ways I am very happy. I still have a ways to go in my transition; aside from my wife and daughter, I am ecstatic. I still have times when it is overwhelming and dark thoughts creep in but that is getting fewer and fewer and further apart.

Hi Mary, I agree, there is something about marginalization that wakes you up and fight for you position and what you have earned.

DJones, thank you for your support and prayers.

24 days till my BA

I am really not looking forward to anther operation. I am looking forward to having a more feminine figure. 

I was thinking at what point will I be comfortable enough with myself to stop additional surgeries. Just because something is covered by insurance and I think I will be better off doing it does not mean I will actually be better. I will look different and sound different and that is closer to where I should have been but it does not erase my thoughts of not having support and being helpless to deal with horrible dysphoria. It does not stop me from replaying the past with different ending. Endings where I am able to stand up to the pressure and threats of parents and students.

I was at a retreat for work today.  We had assigned seating and I was seated at a table with the heads of Infection Control, Psychology, Anesthesiology, Nursing and a few others. During the day the head of Psychology referenced what I said a few times as points to include in the flip chart to report out. Sounds good, but he said, " what he said ......". I said in a voice that only I could hear, I am not a he. I felt so hurt. Not at what he said but that my voice was still so weak.

All the surgeries and pain will not change the voice inside me that protects me, that stands up for myself but is unable to stand to others. GCS, FFS, electrolysis and now a BA will not help me escape my past or my inability to stand up to others. Only I can stand up for myself and break the cycle.

I feel lucky to be at that table, have that position and fear that I can very easily be eliminated like yesterdays trash. I fear making waves will jeopardies my present. Yet I feel I can not be myself unless I can express, respectfully, when someone miss genders me at work.

To paint a picture I had pink nail polish, makeup, a neckless, purse and a rocking black top with orange flowers and green stems and leaves and my hair is well below my shoulders.

Rachel,

   Some very wonderful 'older sisters' pointed out to me something that helped me. They said that you go through steps or stages with this transition process. If there are 10 steps to get to the place we want to be at, and you are on step 5 or 6, it is okay. You can't jiggle your nose like 'Bewitched' and have it suddenly be done. You go through it, you learn, you work on yourself and it happens over time. It will take care of itself in a way. The thing is to learn to take pleasure along as you go. Don't hold off enjoyment until you have enough surgeries done. Do the things you want surgery wise, but smell those things called flowers along the way. I could very well dread this surgery, can't wait to get it over, if I get too goal oriented. Instead,I am gonna squeeze every ounce of enjoyment out of it that I can, or die trying. lol Part of that enjoyment will be seeing you, Hon. Relax, I know you are gonna be okay.
Moni

Hi Rachael,

I am sorry to hear the head of Psychology misgendered you at table full of co-workers.  I don't see anything weak about your handling of the situation.  The way you are presenting your authentic self shows nothing but courage as you have taken charge of your life and your career.  Roll the clock back a bit - in 2013, what if someone could have handed you a time travel video of yourself at work four years in the future, interacting with other leaders in your company.  As Rachael. 

In addition to the fact you were at a company leadership meeting as Rachael, here are other things you did that demonstrate strength.  You didn't make an inappropriate scene you might regret later.  You didn't excuse yourself from the room and go home.  You kept right on rockin that black top you were wearing, the one with orange flowers and green stems & leaves.  You did not literally retreat from this retreat. 

Since you already did the right thing, you now have several options available.  You might have already considered the potential to talk with HR – not necessarily to file a complaint, but to seek advice on a solution going forward.  How about a half day retreat with HR leaders on the topic of having a diverse and inclusive workforce, brainstorm a solution together to benefit the entire company.  You could talk to this person directly or send a carefully worded email.  Or you could turn the tables by playing politics without guilt, knowing they had played a politically dirty trick against you with their passive-aggressive behavior.  You could quietly rally one of your advocates in your company to go to bat for you next time this happens, and coach them – they don't need to risk backlash by directly defending you, they can throw arrows back in other ways.  The next time this happens, what if one of your progressive co-workers deliberately misgenders the head of Psychology in front of a room of his (or shall we say her) peers.  You can have fun with this incident, Rachael.

As I type this the automatic spell checker doesn't understand the word "misgender".  The world needs to catch up with us, and it will. 

Hi Monica, I need to get out more and meet new people, try different things and enjoy the summer. Next weekend I have decided to go to the Franklin Institute

Hi Kendra, funny you mentioned if I could rewind to 2013. Thinking of the retreat, I am completely comfortable expressing, which is wonderful. May 15, 2013 I came out to My Operations Manager, HR and my boss. I thought I was going to lose my job. Friday I was obsessing on not having the courage to correct a doctor in the moment, in a respectful way. I guess when you put it the way you did I am doing well. I just need to practice respectful gender correction. I put myself down too much. Friday was an opportunity and a lesson. Opportunity to increase my agency and lesson I need to practice expressing and reinforcing my gender. 

I was asked a question Thursday which has me thinking. Would I consider being with another trans woman? I started thinking would I ever consider being with a woman trans or cis?

I desire being with a man. I was not answering the question. I desire to be with a guy sexually. If I was with a woman then we would need to have mutual penetrative sex.

I love being friends with woman and guys too and submission to a partner is how I envision sex. I tend to be sexually attracted to guys that are into mechanical and or computer technology.

I think what is most attractive sexually is the closeness and caring with a person that is sincere and genuine and I could be with a woman. However, my primal urge and desire is to be with a guy.

My therapist said I should keep my options open and I may find love in places and times I least expect.

If my soon to be ex-wife accepted me and could have enjoyed sex with me as me, I would have been very happy. Although I desire a guy sexually it is a desire and not a need. Other factors would have more than made up the difference.

I contacted Dr. Cooley's office to inquire about hair transplants round 2. They wanted pics especially of the graph scar to see how it healed. The scar healed wonderfully.

I contacted Carol at Dr. Spiegel's office about a fat graph redo and VFS in Septembers time line. I contacted her 4 times in the past 2 weeks and wonder if they are on vacation. Perhaps I will call Wednesday.

I called about my birth certificate change status Monday and they are about a month away from my change.

Breast augmentation is 7/17, 13 days away. I still did not tell my soon to be ex-wife. I am a chicken. My sister offered to stay at her place and depending on how my wife reacts to me I may take her up on that. I have oral surgery 7/19 and need to be ready for that too.

Breast augmentation, I was at my sisters last Sunday and she put 550 cc's of water in baggies and a C cup bra. She and my brother-in-law said it was too small and I need the 800 cc implants. That would put me at a DD range. I explained to my sister later that I am east west and really big boobs would make that more pronounce, I think. My sister said have the doctor fix the east west issue.

I did the pros and cons to bigger than 550 cc implants:

Pro- bigger boobs and guys tend to like them better.
     - I would have a much larger bust than waist.

Con- bigger boobs can get in the way
     - I would look like I have a boob job and picked big implants
     - I work in management and they may look at this as a negative
     - The potential for capsular contraction increases
     - Stretch mark probability increases.
     - healing time is longer and there is more pain.
     - I think I would look good with a smaller boob although I would fine with 800 cc's.
     - I am afraid I will look bad.

I could always go bigger later and that recovery is easier because the pocket would have been stretched.