Hello Everyone,

I'm in an odd place in my life right now. This is both the best time of my life and in some cases, the worst. Never have I been so dysphoric about my hands\upper body\face in all my life. It's kinda strange. I've talked about my proportions bothering me here before but that was back much earlier in my transition. I've now been on HRT for almost three years now and I don't feel like my proportions have changed much AT ALL and its driving me INSANE!

My neck is just as big as it was when I started and people, even my wife tell me that I have a "strong" appearance. I know people who say this are just trying to be nice but it makes me feel awful. I just want my neck to shrink, I want smaller less muscular arms, I want my hands to STOP freaking me out every-time I look at them.

So mid transition, I had somewhat of a crash. My mental state got really bad and took nearly a year to get out of that slump. During that time, i gained A LOT of weight. I went from about 190lb\86kg\13st at the start of my transition to nearly 230lb\104kg\16st now.

I've started to diet again and I've hired a personal trainer but I don't know if its going to make any difference. I'm scared that I'm going to look "strong" forever. I really don't want to. Every-time I see a full picture of myself, it drives me crazy and I just feel like jumping off a cliff.

I just need some support from you all........


Love you all,

Athena

Big hug! You can do anything you set your mind to. Almost everyone loses muscle mass on MTF HRT, so I doubt you'll look strong if you lose weight.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 07, 2017, 03:30:51 PM
Big hug! You can do anything you set your mind to. Almost everyone loses muscle mass on MTF HRT, so I doubt you'll look strong if you lose weight.

Hugs, Devlyn

From everything I read online from other trans* women, they all seem to say that they notice big changes around 6 months to a year. I'm almost on three years. Could it possibly be that what has happened is where all of that muscle mass used to be has now been replaced by fat? It's hard for me to accept that because I see tons of women that are as big or bigger than I am in weight but they all have one thing in common, they all have much smaller necks than I do, so idk. My wife makes me so jealous. Her neck size is 13.5 inches (The statistical average neck size for a cis woman in North America) while mine is 17 inches (for comparison, the average neck size for a cis male is 15 inches in North America).

What has worked for me is losing a lot of weight and getting my bodyfat down to a pretty low level.  Things are now in pretty good proportions for an athletic look with more or less appropriate upper body dimensions.

I'm 5'11 and started at 205.  In my entire adult life the lowest I ever got to was around 178.  Now I'm around 160.  A lot of upper body mass disappears with weight loss unless you already are at a very low bodyfat level.

If you are losing weight I will say that I had to totally revamp my diet to a low carb Paleo type diet.  The weight came off pretty easily and as a bonus I feel physically better than I have in decades by eating this way.

I also run a lot and have restarted lower body weight training to both get stronger and run better and to make my glutes bigger.  The unfortunate side effect of the weight loss is that they shrunk away and disappeared.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Quote from: Deborah on June 07, 2017, 03:40:22 PM
What has worked for me is losing a lot of weight and getting my bodyfat down to a pretty low level.  Things are now in pretty good proportions for an athletic look with more or less appropriate upper body dimensions.

I'm 5'11 and started at 205.  In my entire adult life the lowest I ever got to was around 178.  Now I'm around 160.  A lot of upper body mass disappears with weight loss unless you already are at a very low bodyfat level.

If you are losing weight I will say that I had to totally revamp my diet to a low carb Paleo type diet.  The weight came off pretty easily and as a bonus I feel physically better than I have in decades by eating this way.

I also run a lot and have restarted lower body weight training to both get stronger and run better and to make my glutes bigger.  The unfortunate side effect of the weight loss is that they shrunk away and disappeared.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

I'm 5'11" too so this comment helps a lot. Nah, my body fat is OUT OF CONTROL so that gives me hope if I get it down.

I've been on HRT for several years and only in the last couple have I finally seen my muscle fade.  It takes time, to be sure.  I regularly work out with cardio.  No strength exercises. lol  I run, eat lean and low carb, and stay active.  Like Devlyn said, put your mind to it and you can do it.

Quote from: ainsley on June 07, 2017, 03:47:39 PM
I've been on HRT for several years and only in the last couple have I finally seen my muscle fade.  It takes time, to be sure.  I regularly work out with cardio.  No strength exercises. lol  I run, eat lean and low carb, and stay active.  Like Devlyn said, put your mind to it and you can do it.

Thank you. All of these words of encouragement are really helpful and give me hope. This is one of the reasons why I love this community so much!

Judging by your pic I think your face looks great. I do wonder though, can anyone's neck be shrunk?

My neck started out just short of 17".  Now it's about 14.5".  You'd be surprised what fat loss and some muscle loss will do.  I would like a smaller neck but I think it's now about as small as it's going to get given my mesomorphic body type and the fact I'm still working out and eating well.  I don't think it really looks bad in proportion to my head and height and I'm not willing to become unhealthy chasing a fleeting goal.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

I went the opposite way but, like Deborah said, you'd be surprised what fat/muscle loss does.
Pre-T, my neck was 11 inches. Now, after hardcore working out for a year and a half and being on HRT that long? 17.

If (like you said) your BF% is 'out of control' then the fat is definitely contributing to its thickness.

Wow I didn't know that about the neck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Perhaps you have the endomorphic body type that doesn't lose muscle mass or fat very easily. (I have this; if I wanted to lose muscle rather than gain it, it would be tough - I've had lazy but persistent muscles since I was 18, even with a long gap in bothering to do anything to keep them. Now it's a bonus in my case). But you'll still see a difference if you look into fat loss, and avoid anything strenuous (as well as take T blockers, I assume). Maybe look up some tips about weight loss as an endomorph might be helpful for your case, as the 3 body types do function a bit differently.

Quote from: Athena on June 07, 2017, 03:27:15 PM
Hello Everyone,

I'm in an odd place in my life right now. This is both the best time of my life and in some cases, the worst. Never have I been so dysphoric about my hands\upper body\face in all my life. It's kinda strange. I've talked about my proportions bothering me here before but that was back much earlier in my transition. I've now been on HRT for almost three years now and I don't feel like my proportions have changed much AT ALL and its driving me INSANE!

My neck is just as big as it was when I started and people, even my wife tell me that I have a "strong" appearance. I know people who say this are just trying to be nice but it makes me feel awful. I just want my neck to shrink, I want smaller less muscular arms, I want my hands to STOP freaking me out every-time I look at them.

So mid transition, I had somewhat of a crash. My mental state got really bad and took nearly a year to get out of that slump. During that time, i gained A LOT of weight. I went from about 190lb\86kg\13st at the start of my transition to nearly 230lb\104kg\16st now.

I've started to diet again and I've hired a personal trainer but I don't know if its going to make any difference. I'm scared that I'm going to look "strong" forever. I really don't want to. Every-time I see a full picture of myself, it drives me crazy and I just feel like jumping off a cliff.

I just need some support from you all........


Love you all,
Is
Athena

Hi Athena, some of my bodybuilder friends eat often and in rather small portions to gain muscles. I (involuntarily) switched from my usual three-meals a day routine to one hefty meal at dinner (with no breakfasts, or snacks during the day). From 215 lb I went down to 180lb in half a year, lost 2 sizes in pants too (from 14, I can now easily get to size 10). Just saying, if you want to lose weight, eat less often and less in total, people can survive and be active even if they don't eat every day, or eat 1000kalories, per day. Hungers goes away if your mind is busy.

Also, if you don't lose muscle mass, how is your testosterone level? Discuss it with your endo during your next visit, maybe something different might be working better for you?