Hello everyone. Im Lillianna. Well, I'm Lillianna and Paul. I'm 45, married to a wonderful woman, and have 2 beautiful daughters. I'm mtf genderfluid, but flowing way more to the feminine side. I remember some feminine feeling and characteristics as early as age 11. I looked at girls and was both attacted to them as a male, but also jealous of their bodies and clothes. I walked more naturally like a girl, crossed my legs like a girl. I had to really "train" myself boy like mannerisms. In my teens, I would often steal girlfriends panties, socks and perfume to wear without them knowing. It felt right to wear these things, but it also felt very shameful and embarrassing. During my first marriage, I would dress up in in my wifes dresses, and do my chores like an old school house wife. It was thrilling and mortifying at the same time. See, to everyone in my life, I was very masculine. A personal trainer, weight lifter...bald by choice. Most people assumed that I had military background...so my outside life and internal self were polar opposites. I fought hard to keep up the facade. I was scared of who I was. Fast forward to my second marriage, 8 years into it. I was still totally in the closet. My wife and I were on a trip and a little tipsy...being silly, and telling each other secrets. I got brave and told her that I wore her clothes, and that I felt I had a real feminine side...but that was all that I really understood. She took it incredibly well, after she realized this didnt make me gay, and that I wasnt going to leave her. Through the last 8 years, I explored my feminine side with her, with a therapist, and told a very select number of close female friends. Over the last three years, I came to the conclusion that I really am, what I would describe as a "tomboy lesbian in a mans body". Last summer I told my teenage girls, and I openly dress feminine 3 or 4 evenings a week. Three weeks ago, I started physician supervised estrodial and progesterone, and Ive already seen some physical and emotional changes. My stuggle right now is deciding when to be more open about myself with other friends and family...especially my strength athlete friends who will notice soon...because they will see my strength and muscle decrease. So...thats me. Ive come here to try and work through some of these things with people who may understand.
