Hello all,
I have after many years decided to stop fighting a battle that I could never win, and frankly never wanted to "win". For the longest time I had always thought that their was something wrong with me, wrong because my mind and soul didn't match my body. I tried to get them to match, I tried hard from playing sports I was never interested in, to not letting myself get involved with anything that could be considered "girly". Why I put myself through such hell I am still coming to learn, the best answer I've come up with is it would be easier and I could manage(No way I could manage).

Then a few months back I was having a couple of drinks with my brother and cousin, they were asking how if I was gay why was I dating a female transsexual. (we have a very open and honest family). That's when I decided or buzzedly told them that I loved her but that I was also trying to live vicariously through her. Of course this shocked them and they were confused and continued to ask questions, that's when I told them, not so much out of pressure from them, more so from the pressure within. I told them the secret I had held onto for the longest that I knew I was a woman and should have been born that way. A few tears fell and both of them came to me and told me life is to short to not be happy and that I had their full support and confidence that they would keep quiet. I wasn't so shocked at their response as much as disappointed in myself for keeping it a secret for so long. Since then I have told both of their wives and one of my other brothers. On the 24th of this month my step father and mother are having a gathering with more of our family unit. That is when I will ask my sister in law to come with me as I tell my mother and step father(who treats me as his own blood). I honestly think it will go well, but I am nervous, and can't wait. If it goes as well as I am hoping I am going to give my mother the opportunity to re-name me, I know that can be dangerous (bad name) but I feel as though it can be a unique way for her to let her son rest and welcome in her new albeit 27 year old daughter.  As far as my birth father is concerned we haven't spoken in years and I think I will keep it that way.

I started HRT May 9th and it has honestly been the best decision I've ever made, possibly a placebo effect but I truly feel happy, in ways that I haven't felt since I was a child. For the first time in many many years I felt something other then numb. It's strange to think and to actually feel an emotion other then "meh". Now a bad part is I have yet to see a psychologist/therapist, or an endocrinologist. Everything I've done at this point has been DIY. I know this is dangerous and that is why I've been saving up the 350+/mo it's going to cost me to get a Kaiser health plan to get started on doing things the right way. I cannot wait for open enrollment in November, but I also know I will not go back to being a zombie(male hormones). 
As far as work that scares me the most at this point. I work as a local big rig driver, so an industry that is filled with testosterone. But I also know that it will pay the bills a lot better then a lot of other jobs I could take with my current skill set. I'm just hoping my skin is thick enough when I go full time to not want to come home curling up in a ball and crying. Especially since I'm pretty sure my girlfriend of 3+ years will leave me when I tell her. (I've hinted at being trans before and she blew up on me, which I understand, but now as I'm doing things behind her back I feel guilty. I plan on telling her after I tell my parents that way if we do break up she won't scream it to my parents to spite me).  Even knowing that I cannot continue to live a lie. I'm tired of feeling alone in this world and hiding myself not only from others but also myself.
I hope I can make friends with some of you here, especially because as much as I know others in my family will be accepting, none of them will ever know what it's like to be trans as much as they may want to.
In closing I will say I have left a lot of the demons and struggles I've faced out of this because it gets me to emotional to think about, and as I'm coming out to you all today I celebrate as there are now others in this world I can freely be myself with. Also I'm not so sure this is an introduction as me just finally having a voice and using it. sorry it's so long.

-nameless-

Welcome to Susan's Place. There are a couple of fixes to your story. The testosterone blockers are not a placebo effect. Within 2-4 weeks after castration levels are reached, there is a major reduction in dysphoria. We have members who though they were cured and quit HRT only to have the dysphoria return. They did this not once but several times before they understood that the HRT can make major changes in their outlook on life.

We have a few over the road truck drivers on the site but they haven't been very active lately. Some of the trucking companies are difficult to work with if you are transgender but others are accepting. Hopefully you are working for one of the better trucking companies.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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Hi CurrentlyNameless 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Nameless,
Glad you are here. My name is Monica but my friends call me Moni. That is a great introduction. I wish you the best of luck. It blows my mind that your girlfriend is trans, but would freakout if you told her you were. Wow, that's kind of messed up.

Thank you to all who read and thank you for the kind words from those who responded. I look forward to many more conversations with each of you.

Moni(friends yet? Lol) it blows my mind as well but just as others have accepted me, I accept her and respect her with her decision, but who knows she may just surprise me.

V M, thank you for your greeting, I am always looking to have fun!

Dena, thank you for your response and that tidbit of info, very useful. Luckily for me I'm a local driver so I am able to get away from the job nightly if anything were to happen. Time will tell if I'm with one of the "good ones". Thank you for the links.

Quote from: HappyMoni on June 15, 2017, 09:26:12 PM
Hi Nameless,
Glad you are here. My name is Monica but my friends call me Moni. That is a great introduction. I wish you the best of luck. It blows my mind that your girlfriend is trans, but would freakout if you told her you were. Wow, that's kind of messed up.

Well, she may be trans but if she fell in love with Nameless as a man that's pretty hard to undo, even more so if she's heterossexual. I don't think we can judge her. Also, the OP 'hinted' but never actually got to tell her of this issue. So, she could well be in denial or just unaware altogether.

To the OP, hope you find a way to be happy and try to be easy on the people around you. It won't always be easy for them, too. Always take things at your own pace.

Aurorasky thank you for the comment, a couple things to clear up are
-she did fall in love with me as a male
-she is hetero
-I don't judge her at all
-I did tell her, including stories from my past, at the beginning of our relationship, her response sent me back into hiding but that is a subject on its own.
- I believe she is in denial currently but have yet to address it with her, I know that's not fair to her. Which is why I will tell her after I've told my parents.


The way that I'm looking at it now Aurorasky is it took me roughly 20years to accept myself and to act on it, I am not expecting anyone whom I am close to, to be okay right away, I want to respect them and give them their time as well, however long it may be. I try to look at the three sides of the coin.
I do truly thank you for your input and if any of my statement comes off as defensive it is not meant to be.

thanks for clarifying Nameless

how old is your gf? did she transition like really young, if I can ask? I think you're on the right track as far as being understanding but also know you have to live your life.

nameless - I can relate to how you feel.  I'm in my early 50's and didn't start really dealing with things until 3 years ago.  I struggle with what it means to my wife, my personal life, my professional life, my kids lives.  I try to take things one day at a time and give my wife space and time as needed.  I've been the way I am my whole life so I've had a while to accept who I am.  She loves me and I just want her to be happy, even if that long term happiness ultimately does not include me.  So far we have been making it work, together.  I hope you are able to have things work the way you'd like.

Aurorasky she currently is 28, came out to her parents fully at 15, they weren't supportive but she stuck around until 17 then "ran away" from what she has told me she was 18 when she started, she has been DIY since.
The hardest part for me is going to be that feeling that I'm letting her down, the hardest part for her is everything I'll be telling her. I'm not so scared for me as I am for her, I don't want to hurt her but know I must because I can't change who I am, as much as I've tried.

Lindsey I agree and can relate to everything you said except for the kids. It seems as if it is one struggle after the next sometimes, I focus on finding those moments when things seem right and well in the world and stacking those up in my memory vault to pull out when it gets way to hard.
My ultimate goal is a lot like yours happiness for the both of us however that may come.