(sorry for any lack of correct grammar in this, having a hard time and just spilling.)

Hey, I'm 18 years old and about to go off to college. since sophomore year of highschool ive been presenting masculine but just this year came to the conclusion that i really was ftm and not nonbinary. lately however, the depression has been really bad. my horrible body dysphoria is giving me constant suicide ideation, and though its not exactly "i really want to kill myself rn" kind of want to die i just... really wish i didnt exist a lot of the time. i used to be proud of myself and didnt want to be any other way and was happy with who i was, but now i just feel disgusted. nothing i am is anything i want to be, or want to continue existing as, but i cant see myself transitioning through hrt like i want to just because... the entire process seems so distant.. and my family isnt exactly keen on helping or supporting me. 

with every situation im in now i cant stop thinking about how much better it would be if i were a boy and doing it. i couldn't stop thinking about it at senior party, and i couldn't stop thinking about it at graduation as i walked across the stage. its kind of ruining my life in a way, because im never able to enjoy anything anymore or just exist in the present. i havent left my house in two weeks, and generally i excuse it as being lazy, but it's not because i WANT so badly to go outside and enjoy myself but every single second im still thinking about my body, so i cant. all i can do rn is play video games so i can take on the role of someone else who's not me.

i dont even know where to start with transitioning. i dont even want to dress masculine anymore because it feels like im just fooling myself, its not comfortable anymore because i just. still dont feel like i look anywhere near like a guy (5'2", super skinny but big boobs, tiny feminine features, high pitched voice, and i have a very feminine personality in general, "macho" just isnt me but not playing super manly isnt helping me lol). i have no idea how to get on the path to transitioning with hormones because i feel like everyone in my family will hate me, and i really dont want that rn, everything is already so loud and stressful.

so now ive begun this train wreck of a thought process thats trying to convince myself to get over it in a way? a sort of "im not really transgender, i need to move on for my own benefit and everyone else's, this is too much to deal with."

i just dont know where to turn to or what to do. i just feel so stuck and it really is making me just want to stop existing...

Welcome to Susan's Place. The best place to start would be a gender therapist. While it's possible to transition without one, the depression you are feeling may not fully be resolved by transitioning alone. If you wish to present in public, your best bet would be to start as a young boy. Binding, proper hair cut, clothes  and a little work with your voice might go a long way toward helping you pass for now. We have a FTM section where the guys can give you help and I am willing to help with your voice if you need it. Just keep asking questions and we will do our best to answer them.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Seeing a therapist would be a very good place to start. Find one with transgender experience if you can. Having experience can help the therapist help you find your own path. I would think if you find a therapist your parents would support you if you just tell them you're having troubles right now. You don't have to tell them about the disphoria if you do not feel it's time. You can just tell them you are experiencing a lot of depression and or anxiety.

Definately get some help. Many of us have struggled with the thoughts of how not existing would be such a relief but there is no point in such thoughts when a happy life is possible. 

I used focus on work as a way to push my disphoria back for many years. Do not just do that. I spent a decade after high school focusing on single tasks to keep my conscious mind busy. Go to work, go home, tv and computer games to occupy my every other waking moments. All the time the feeling of disphoria haunted me. I kept telling myself that it didn't matter what I felt like, I was born a certain way and had to deal with life. It never made it easier.

Start with a therapist. Work your way through your feelings. Don't worry about HRT unless that is the path you decide on after careful consideration. No matter what don't succumb to the depression. Get help for that.

Hey Rikez,

You've made one very important step already. Coming here and sharing how you feel. It's a great start to getting this sorted.

Some very good advice has already been given by the earlier replies, and I agree wholeheartedly that you need to seek out counselling, and preferably with a transgender experienced therapist. You can find some online who will also be able to help you via skype.

I'm also FTM, and until recently I had no idea that how I felt wasn't just isolated to me among the billions of humans that walk on this earth.  I admit to being totally ignorant, I had no idea what transgender meant, and where I fitted. I adapted my lifestyle to suit how I felt. I'm not super macho, nor did I try to be super girly to fit into the boxes where we are all put into at birth. I just was me. That meant, I chose boyish hairstyles and clothing. I too have rather large, breasts, which made it difficult for me to use binders. But that didn't stop me from being who I felt I was.

As I said, until very recently I had no idea I could get onto T and have my breasts reduced and reshaped to that of a male chest. This means, you too can get started to be yourself. You do not need to comply with any stereotypes. If your parents love you, they will accept that you are just a tomboy ( and hope that you will grow out of it). So, ease your family into the person you feel yourself to be, by wearing boyish clothing and wearing male hair styles.

Step by step, you will reach your goal to make a complete transition. Do not despair. It gets better. Much better

I feel the same way as you do, but my depression is light to heavy from time to time (but it's mostly in the middle of the two.) I'm still looking for a therapist that can help me. I think seeing a therapist is a good way to start, then you will know what path you belong on.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk