Hello. This is my first post here and I'm trying to understand these feelings I've been having since childhood.

Ever since I was a young boy (7-8 years old, currently 29) I have had these visions and feelings about waking up girl after waking up from the bed and I still do at this age. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking by some miracle a fairy godmother may appear and grant me this wish.

I ask myself what if I started transition in high school or younger and had been upfront about my feelings to my teachers and parents, ultimately being more comfortable with a female look if I had started the transition.

I experiment with myself trying to understand myself better: from photoshopping my face as a woman and making a online dating profiles and trying to understand these feelings. Similarly I tried a gay dating app but both experiences felt very weird so I stopped this. What I find strange is that I have to masturbate to some ->-bleeped-<- porn to make these feelings temporary go away, which only is a temporary solution.

Regarding my sexual orientation, I have had a non-sexual experience as a teen with a gay but I did not feel attracted to him and felt uncomfortable when I visit gay establishments. As a straight male, I did go out with a woman but I did not find her attractive but she was a good converser. I never could make myself hard during sex with women.

I wanted to hear any comments from  transwomen about this and whether it's likely I am trans or rather this is all byproduct of a possible mental disease.

Thanks for reading..

Hi Yoshi256

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I don't know if you are Trans of not but I can tell you this. Cis people don't really pay any attention to their gender. It is not an issue for them, Trans people worry about being Transgender. Gender is  a spectrum and you can be anywhere on that spectrum.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Site Policies and Stuff to Remember (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)

Regards
ElizabethK
Global Moderator

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Welcome to Susan's Place. Other than a couple of small details, I could have written your post over 45 years ago. Porn wasn't available to me, I never dated and I started having the feelings at age 13. I believe you are transgender but the question is what to do about it. This is where a good gender therapist will help you determine what you should do with your life. I know my word isn't enough help you understand this but there are a couple of links you should look at. The first is our WIKI where you will get a better idea what the word transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you understand if you are transsexual. Feel free to ask any questions you have and we will do our best to answer them.

Hi Yoshi, welcome.

As Elizabeth said, I think cisgender people don't really question their gender, I don't think they have these thoughts for so long...So I would say it's very likely that you are transgender. I'll be 29 in 2 months and I've also been dealing with this since I was little, so you're not alone!

 Hi Yoshi,

  I'm Laurie, Welcome to Susan's Place. I'm glad you found us here where you can relax and be yourself. Having these feeling and thoughts can be difficult but in this day and age with the internet it is far easier to find information about the issues you are going through. Back in my youth I had libraries to sneak research in and then the information was hard to find. But a lot of times research is not enough, sometime you need someone to talk to that can understand and help you figure things out. That someone is a therapist. More specifically a gender therapist. As Liz has said that is probably  a very good place for you to start.
  We here at Susan's will listen, offer advice, share experiences but in the end we are not doctors or therapists and those are the people that can really help you if you are honest with then and let them help.
  Glad you're here and welcome again Yoshi.

Hugs,
    Laurie

Welcome to the site Yoshi256.

Nice post.  It definitely sounds like your are transgender.

YES - what Elizabeth said - great name she has!  I think you are transgender but the question is are you ready to do anything about it - I sort of knew for decades - just now trying to realize the truth! 

Hey Yoshi,
Welcome to Susan's I think it's important to recognize that you are here in this forum asking questions, which is a good thing. I think the idea that you might have a mental disorder might be a bit strong. If we could look into everyone's minds we'd see that everyone has some things that might not fit into a nice, neat societal box, you know?

I would encourage you to look around the forums and ask questions, get to know people and topics, explore yourself, ask yourself the really difficult questions, the ones that make you cry, the ones you don't want to answer. You might find that if you do end up transitioning your gender, you end up in a happier place with more potential and possibility. Of course, the opposite is true as well. Good luck in your journey meghan