It isn't as simple as I have gender dysphoria and if I don't transition I will live a depressed, unfulfilled life. Life is complex.

Sure, living according to your true self is extremely important, but so is deep love for another. I have been married for 32 years and not so long ago came out to my wife. To make a long story short, she fell in love with a man(me) and is only attracted to men. Even if she stayed married to me she couldn't be intimate. I resented her and felt that she didn't understand what I was struggling with, until one day I realized that I am wired a certain way, but so is she. Why should I resent her for wanting to live according to her own true self. I also realized how very much I loved her and that a decision to transition would result in losing her and living alone.

I felt I was in a no win situation - if I transitioned I would be miserable and depressed because of losing her and likely other relationships in my life. If I didn't I would face years of gender dysphoria. It finally occurred to me that it is my life and I can chose to live it the way I wish. Instead of being mired in the no win situation, I chose to not transition, but accept myself for who I am. I was supposed to be a woman and am genetically and physically male. For me, I don't need to look like a woman to accept myself mentally. I also decided that my love for my wife and other people in my life is a strong force, as well. So now I am at peace, accepting myself without beating myself up over how I should look or behave and basking in the absolute beautiful light of love. I have stepped outside of myself to give my energy outward to those that I love so dearly and in return I have found their love to be that much more greater.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 17, 2017, 09:49:24 AM
It's not that she doesn't support trans people it's just that she feels like she'd be losing me if I changed. Because I'd look and act like a different person. And she also isn't attracted to girls. I want to transition but I love her more than anything and don't want to lose her.

You can try to stuff the GD away. It can be done. Many of us have been there before. Life is all about change and balancing any number of conflicting needs and wants. Do you "Need" to transition? Or is it a want? How badly for either? Are there other options for managing your particular flavor of GD? How sure are you of where you are on the spectrum?

When facing a difficult life question I found that asking one simple question gives the best answer:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

Quote from: jentay1367 on June 17, 2017, 04:49:56 PM
Then your first course of action should be to share your thoughts and feelings with a gender therapist. It will be much easier to make a valid decision that will enhance your future once you discover what you need and want. You cannot get to your destination if you don't know what that may be. Once you do know, you can make a map and head there.
Good luck to you my friend.

Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 18, 2017, 09:43:37 AM
Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

Better now than in 40 years, no?


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Quote from: elkie-t on June 18, 2017, 09:50:50 AM
Better now than in 40 years, no?

And you are in a much better place than we have been when we were your age.

I can tell you out of my own experience, waiting makes it just harder and more complicated.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 18, 2017, 09:43:37 AM
Talking to a gender therapist means I gotta come out to my parents

All you have to tell your folks (and this is providing theyre paying or you're on their policy since otherwise it's only their business if you want it to be) is that you need to talk with someone about "feelings" you're dealing with. This is the sum total of what they need to know. They don't own your soul, regardless of your age.

Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

My two cents, if she won't be happy with you as the person you really are then you guys aren't meant to be together. 

I know it's harder to handle than it sounds, but it is the truth.  Don't waste your life trying to keep your significant other happy.  Because I'm the end, she won't be happy if you aren't happy. 

I'd point her to therapy and resources.  Often times people don't really change that much.  If anything they just become more relaxed (in my experience). 

Besides, you need to find someone who sees you as you are.  My girlfriend forgets I am trans honestly.  She just sees me as a guy and considers us a cis couple. 

I'm not saying that's the way everyone likes to be, but my point is that she sees who I am and not the body I was born in to.   


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Quote from: Julia1996 on June 18, 2017, 11:58:50 AM
Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

Thanks:) My hair is already kind of long (kinda like this: https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/837055457483190289/rHmHySm2.jpg) but my parents won't let me grow it out anymore. And my cuticles are naturally pretty decent like maybe half a millimeter to a full millimeter. (like 1/30 of an inch or something)

So here's my opinion. When I transitioned I remain the same person. My family saw it almost as a funeral but that changes as well. If it's the physical appearance that bothers her you both have to decide if being together is right. For better or worse. If a physical change is that much of an issue is it the right person? We undergo lots of physical change in our lives. Will she stick around than?


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I don't think there are right or wrong answers on this one..only you can know.

This is what I will suggest..

1. She sounds like a great girl and she's been supportive and honest with you.
2. Your relationship will either change forever or end when you transition..
3. A relationship is a two-way thing...work out what's best overall.
4. Maybe she needs to find a man..and it sounds like you are a woman.
6. Love is hard to give up

I'm not sure of your age, but from your posts it seems you may still be in your teens. If that's so, I'm going to be honest. It's rare that I see a relationship graduate to permanence with people of your age, so I would not worry to much about what the future may bring here. Not saying it's not possible, but the reality is that it's unlikely you'll be together for the long haul. People change so much and so fast at this phase in their life. I'd put my energies in other matters and let your relationship play out with her as it will.

Quote from: jentay1367 on June 19, 2017, 05:37:11 PM
I'm not sure of your age, but from your posts it seems you may still be in your teens. If that's so, I'm going to be honest. It's rare that I see a relationship graduate to permanence with people of your age, so I would not worry to much about what the future may bring here. Not saying it's not possible, but the reality is that it's unlikely you'll be together for the long haul. People change so much and so fast at this phase in their life. I'd put my energies in other matters and let your relationship play out with her as it will.

True. I just feel like without this problem our relationship would be one of the ones that lasts. And I feel bad that I'm throwing this at her almost as if to test our relationship even though this has been going on in secret for a long time.

Quote from: ErosNightleaf on June 19, 2017, 07:40:33 PM
True. I just feel like without this problem our relationship would be one of the ones that lasts. And I feel bad that I'm throwing this at her almost as if to test our relationship even though this has been going on in secret for a long time.

Yeah, but if she can't handle this then your relationship wasn't meant to last.  Something else would tear it apart. 


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I suspect she's sexually attracted to men. The binary rules most people's lives in regards to sexual attractions. Given that it's so, it's absolutely best you two work this thing out now. No strings or marriages to dissolve, no children to add to the mix. Consider yourself blessed finding your path now and be happy for all the parties involved. To be your age and be able to deal with this issue in these accepting times is priceless. I look at you and I can't help but be just a little jealous.

Quote from: Julia1996 on June 18, 2017, 11:58:50 AM
Maybe until you decide what exactly you want to do you could do a few things to ease your desires. There are a few things you can do to feel more fem.

Let your hair grow out. Maybe try leaving it a little longer than you normally do. Maybe add a few blonde highlights.  Of course if your parents would be ok with it you could grow your hair long. I've seen lots of guys with " man buns".

Clean up your eyebrows. Im not saying to arch them or anything. Just clean them up a little. Maybe your girlfriend would be willing to do this for you.

Do your cuticles. I've noticed that a lot of guys have raggy cuticles. Use some cuticle remover and then gently push them back. If you can't get cuticle remover soak your fingers in some warm soapy water and then push your cuticles back.

Use clear nail polish. If anyone notices it tell them its sour polish to keep you from biting your nails. Or just actually buy the sour polish. Its just clear polish with bitter flavoring. Or maybe use black nail polish. I've seen non goth guys with black nail polish.

Use cherry chap stick. It will give a red tinted gloss to your lips.

Use clear mascara.  It will separate your lashes and make them look slightly longer. But if you rub your eyes or get sweat in them there is no black stain to call you out.

Use tinted acne cream. A lot of acne cream comes in a tinted version.

Use moisturizer all over. Its never too early to start making your skin soft. Especially your hands. In addition to raggy cuticles a lot of guys have rough hands.

Try wearing more androgynous clothes. And maybe get some sneakers with pink or purple in them.
Julia

I love what you said, great ideas and I wish I had read this six months ago!