Hi Everyone

I am currently going towards 2 months on HRT and androgen blockers and everything i going really well. I plan to only go full time in a year or 2, and would like to remain in stealth mode at work until the hormones can soften me up a bit. I also want to first get my balding hair fixed (this year still), and then also get FFS before coming out at work and going full time. I have a whole plan, and want to take things bit by bit and work towards where I need to be before having the confidence to come out. I also have to build up my new wardrobe and there are so many little things to do that cost so much money, which means more time.. 

I work for an international cosmetics company and I know their policy is very lenient towards transgender people. The problem is that because of theft they have now started to body search people at the front gate whenever you leave the premises. Males get searched by male guards, and females by female guards. This is turning into a nightmare for me, since I am beginning to have some breast growth and they are sensitive and quite sore. I cannot have a male guard touch me there, and this is obviously going to become increasingly difficult as time goes along. I tried to refuse them searching me, and now there is a case where the security managers etc are saying that this is an issue.

I have an appointment privately with our HR representative lady for Monday morning. I do not want to come out yet, and do not want everyone to know and start gossiping already. I am wondering if anyone has some advice on what approach to take. I am thinking of telling her that I want to keep my condition confidential, and then saying that I have a medical condition that I do not want to fully disclose and that I have gynecomastia. I can tell her that I feel really uncomfortable with the guards searching and touching me there. What I'm worried about is that she might ask for a doctor's letter. Now, my doctor is very friendly, but I'm unsure whether she would write a letter saying only that I have gynecomastia, since then she might not be fully disclosing the medical truth. I'm also wondering whether this approach might cause other problems later when I come out, as I then didn't fully disclose the truth when we had our discussion. Another problem is confidentiality. How is she going to keep it confidential, and get me to not be searched? Also, if I ask her to keep it confidential, is she obliged to do so, or not?

I am not sure what the best way is to approach this. I really do not want to come out right now, as I am nowhere near ready for it yet. I also worry about the impact it might have on fellow workers and my manager.

Thank you for any responses or advice.

Breast growth does take some time. I was hit in the chest before I came out in my kungfu class and it was bloody hurts I almost screamed.

My suggestion for your situation is to let your breasts decide, when they are no longer concealable then come out to HR. Breasts take years to grow, but some lucky ones might have a growth spurt.

Good luck

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Quote from: jfong on June 22, 2017, 04:50:06 AM
Breast growth does take some time. I was hit in the chest before I came out in my kungfu class and it was bloody hurts I almost screamed.

My suggestion for your situation is to let your breasts decide, when they are no longer concealable then come out to HR. Breasts take years to grow, but some lucky ones might have a growth spurt.

Good luck

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Hi Jfong

Thank you for the advice. I definitely do not want to come out to HR yet, but could maybe just say that it is gynecomastia, and get myself exempt from the body searches..

Your kung fu incident definitely sounds very painful.. 

Depending on where you are, you may be able to get away with simply "due to medical reasons, I would like this reasonable accommodation made." They may ask why, if you tell them, it is considered confidential. At least, in the US, this is a big deal, legally. If you still don't give them specifics, you can probably get a letter that is non specific as to why, as it really is none of their business. I guess the question is, what would the company consider a reasonable security accommodation?

--
"You do realize, this means you get to do character creation & the newbie zone all over again? "

Quote from: Justine on June 22, 2017, 05:25:53 AM
Hi Jfong

Thank you for the advice. I definitely do not want to come out to HR yet, but could maybe just say that it is gynecomastia, and get myself exempt from the body searches..

Your kung fu incident definitely sounds very painful.. 

I think you need to have a reasonable and believable excuse. The women at work were also searched and touched there right? Saying the gynecomastia excuse doesn't seem like a good excuse to use. They might prod further into why you don't want to be body searched, since everyone else get the same treatment. It might be uncomfortable for you to be touched there by the male guards but they probably won't feel anything that will expose you.

Having a reasonable excuse that will still allow yourself to be searched makes more sense. But that only happens if you come out and tell HR the real reason so they can arrange the searched by female security instead.

And yes the incident hurts a lot, but I survived and learn to defend myself from any hit to the chest anymore.

The nips won't hurt all the time as you progress (a month or two for me), and eventually only when a lot of pressure applied that they will hurt.

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I think there are a few things to remember here:

1.  Lying is not a good idea.  Especially when people are going to wonder increasingly about some of the changes happening with your body as time goes on.  And people are going to know at some stage that you've been lying to them.
Don't tell lies or make up fake excuses.

2.  Information about your health is yours to control.  You can disclose information about your transition to HR and let them know that you are not ready to tell your boss or others in the business about your transition.  Be explicit that your medical information is to be treated as confidential.  They must not share this information without your consent.

3.  It might be good to let HR know what's going on.  I told my HR department about 12 months before I made my transition public.  They were able to help me with a lot of accomodations, and support in ways I hadn't considered whilst still respecting my privacy.  It might be good to let them know what's happening with you, and what you need from them.

4.  What do you want?  Do you want a private search from the same security guard every day (one who you trust and have told in confidence about your transition)?  Do you want to be excused from body searches altogether?  Do you want to work in a different area where body searches are not needed?  Do you want to be excused from the upper  body search only?

I would suggest having a think about exactly what you want, and then taking your request to HR.  Be explicit that you expect them to maintain your confidentiality, but that you need special accomodations during this time.

All the best.

Just don't lie to hr. If you do, when do come out, they might not like that you weren't 100 truthful. I would wait until I experienced a problem either the searches and then go to hr as I'd have solid reasoning and lay it all out on the table.


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Do not lie to HR people, you will need there help and might be sooner than you plan.

They are most usually supportive and know to keep these things confidential, so I'd come out to them fully, but would say you don't want to be outed yet and your transition on the work date is dependent on your progress


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I can only second to be honest with HR.

I also did it in a two step process. I had informed HR early on about what is going on and I told them I would need some time before going public with this.

A few things happened and I was "made" by a few of my co-workers. I ended up getting back to HR two month later, we had a great chat about it again and a week later, they had changed my name pretty much everywhere in the company (and that is only my preferred name). This was a bit ahed of my planned schedule (actually well ahead) but I felt comfortable and ready for it.

I know everyones time table is different, for me it worked out pretty well.

I go along with the others about being honest with HR. You need a good reason for them to change their security procedure in your case and if you prove your honesty, it's more likely you will be considered a trusted employe and be able to forgo part or all of the security screening. Remember that the owner(s) don't have to be screened because they are "trusted".

The only other way out of this would be switching to skin tight clothing and that would definitely expose your breast growth far sooner than you want.

In the end, both HR and security will need to be aware of what's going on in your life unless you chose another line of employment.

Thank you so much for all the replies and advice.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on June 22, 2017, 09:18:49 AM
I think there are a few things to remember here:

1.  Lying is not a good idea.  Especially when people are going to wonder increasingly about some of the changes happening with your body as time goes on.  And people are going to know at some stage that you've been lying to them.
Don't tell lies or make up fake excuses.

2.  Information about your health is yours to control.  You can disclose information about your transition to HR and let them know that you are not ready to tell your boss or others in the business about your transition.  Be explicit that your medical information is to be treated as confidential.  They must not share this information without your consent.

3.  It might be good to let HR know what's going on.  I told my HR department about 12 months before I made my transition public.  They were able to help me with a lot of accomodations, and support in ways I hadn't considered whilst still respecting my privacy.  It might be good to let them know what's happening with you, and what you need from them.

4.  What do you want?  Do you want a private search from the same security guard every day (one who you trust and have told in confidence about your transition)?  Do you want to be excused from body searches altogether?  Do you want to work in a different area where body searches are not needed?  Do you want to be excused from the upper  body search only?

I would suggest having a think about exactly what you want, and then taking your request to HR.  Be explicit that you expect them to maintain your confidentiality, but that you need special accomodations during this time.

All the best.

Some really helpful and good points in here, thank you so much Claire.

I am thinking of perhaps coming out to the HR lady and telling her that it is confidential and that she cannot share it with anyone without my consent. I live in South Africa, so I'm unsure of the exact legal implications on whether she will have to keep it confidential. I thought that perhaps if I tell her about breast enlargement, it won't be lying to her. I do not want to disclose everything (the whole transition) to her yet, unless I absolutely have to. Am I obliged to tell her the whole truth right now? On the one hand I understand that it might be good to share the information in confidentiality (if she is legally obliged to keep it confidential in this country), but on the other hand I really did not want to come out at work until I have had one or 2 more things done in my long term transitioning plan.

In regards to point 4:
I would either want to be exempt from being body searched, or at least I want them to not search my upper body. The problem is that if I get a female to search me, it will be visible to others and will cause gossip to start.

Quote from: jfong on June 22, 2017, 08:44:10 AM
I think you need to have a reasonable and believable excuse. The women at work were also searched and touched there right? Saying the gynecomastia excuse doesn't seem like a good excuse to use. They might prod further into why you don't want to be body searched, since everyone else get the same treatment. It might be uncomfortable for you to be touched there by the male guards but they probably won't feel anything that will expose you.

Having a reasonable excuse that will still allow yourself to be searched makes more sense. But that only happens if you come out and tell HR the real reason so they can arrange the searched by female security instead.

And yes the incident hurts a lot, but I survived and learn to defend myself from any hit to the chest anymore.

The nips won't hurt all the time as you progress (a month or two for me), and eventually only when a lot of pressure applied that they will hurt.

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I probably can keep on letting the male guards search me for a while, but inevitably it will get to a point where they will feel proper breast growth, and so I need to face this problem anyway somewhere along the line. Since it is an issue right now, I probably would have to do it now. I do understand that making up excuses is not a good thing, so I am seriously considering coming out to the HR lady on Monday morning confidentially.

Glad to hear the nipple pain subsides a bit eventually. I am not really that bothered by it, I'm actually more excited to have it.  My body seems to be responding to the hormones very well as I have had a bit of growth already inside the first 2 months of HRT. 

Thank you again for all the advice and input. I think my biggest fear is having to come out to more people in the professional environment, and that I would like to at least look more authentic by the time that I do so. It seems like the right thing to do will be to come out to her. As long as she keeps it confidential..

Have a good weekend everyone!

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Quote from: Justine on June 22, 2017, 04:21:03 AM

It depends on your company.  You would think HR folks would keep your secret safe until you tell them otherwise but you have to determine how tolerant your company is.

When I contacted my HR rep, they have a person who manages transitions so it was very easy and there was no judging.

I would not expect HR to betray you but it is your call.

Good luck!
-Lee.

Maybe you aren't ready to transition now, but if you talk to HR person and tell her half-truth and she would bend backwards to help you, and then 3-6 months later - you will not be able (or willing) to hide your body changes - how would she react then?

But you're right, I have no idea about South Africa, other than there's a lot of crime there and not so many protections and I believe it's much more chauvinistic society than good old USA. Take care of yourself.

Edit: maybe just keep those searches tolerated until you're ready to come out? It will grow old on the guards, they will get it that you got boobs, not bombs, hidden there.

Yeah i'd stay with the whole truth. HR departments are supposed to maintain confidentiality and if they were the source of damaging gossip, they could be sued. A body search that requires prolonged hand to breast contact is plainly wrong. Even the TSA in follow up searching rarely touches the breast directly but instead focuses on bra straps etc.

Hi Everyone

Just to update. I decided to stay truthful and came out fully to the HR lady this morning! She was extremely supportive and promised to keep the information strictly confidential. She said that she appreciates that I am truthful to her. We had quite a nice long chat about my transition. She is going to organize that they search me with a light pat down only.

Thank you so much for the advice. I know this was the right thing to do, and now I have someone on my side in the professional environment already. I was so fearful to have to come out so early, and I told her that, but she said that I don't have anything to worry about. 

At least another difficult hurdle has been overcome, now for the next 1000 hurdles.. 

Happy it turned out good for you. Truth is a better foundation than fear


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Quote from: elkie-t on June 26, 2017, 06:24:39 AM
Happy it turned out good for you. Truth is a better foundation than fear


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Thank you so much Elkie-t! Also, thank you for your previous advice. The advice that I got on here definitely gave me enough confidence to do this.

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