I've been making great strides with my therapist.
I've had a rollercoaster few months..remembering things from childhood.

1) My biological dad beat my mum so badly I was born 9 weeks early and I couldn't be held for 2 months.
2) Another violent boyfriend of my mum's terrorised me when I was 8..he cut the telephone lines so we couldn't phone police and I had to block a door with a chair as he screamed he'd kill us through the letter box.
3) I never had a male role model and basically don't like men


4) I was contacted a week ago by a man from Texas who says he is my older brother..which has thrown my emotions up in the air again. My birth dad says it isn't true..but I think he is a liar.

I've been trying to explain to my mum I have gender dysphoria..i told her I had no male sense of identity..but she cut me short and said 'children need a father' and only God will give you a sense of identity.

I now know she'll never accept it. A big blow..I'm already trying to balance my discovery with my wife's needs.

But God - as much as I respect him - appears to be a big barrier between me and my mum,

Sarah,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  I have issues with my mother, but she's a lot more passive-aggressive about it, and seems to be satisfied with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach, which works for me, since I'm thousands of miles away.  And I don't have the complications of children, so it must feel like there's no where to go. 

I do think it's worth exploring some of those past experiences to see if you are influenced against men, and that vision of men as villains leaves you with a smaller set of choices than you could have.  I had to sort through the whole "men as villains" scenario before I saw clearly enough that it wasn't just fear of being a bad man that I was facing, but rather that I wasn't a man at all.  Not that I had to face any of the kinds or abuse that you did, you're amazing just to have survived! 

You don't mention your own beliefs about God, but if you talk to people, you find that everyone has a different perception and belief, and every one is as valid as another.  Maybe she's right in the sense that you can find your identity through God, but that doesn't mean the outcome will meet her expectations.  On the odd occasions when I do pray, I pray for the strength to do what I need to do, and the wisdom to see exactly what that is.  After that, faith is trusting that you'll get an outcome that's best for you. 

I wouldn't let others speak for God, for God may give you the strength and wisdom to pursue the path that brings you peace. 

Erin

I also had a very bad experience with my biological father. He tried to kill me when I was just 3 months old. Records indicate I was terrified of men for several years.
Well... that changed when my adoptive mother started beating me. I had to turn to someone.
Through God, I found my identity... as a woman. It fits me well. I even found my biological mother, and was accepted by her.
Depending on how (and when) you speak with your mother, you could bring her around to understanding you. It may take a fair bit of effort on your part, as well as patience. From what you mentioned, it sounds possible.

Quote from: Dayta on June 25, 2017, 01:23:11 PM
Sarah,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.  I have issues with my mother, but she's a lot more passive-aggressive about it, and seems to be satisfied with a "don't ask, don't tell" approach, which works for me, since I'm thousands of miles away.  And I don't have the complications of children, so it must feel like there's no where to go. 

I do think it's worth exploring some of those past experiences to see if you are influenced against men, and that vision of men as villains leaves you with a smaller set of choices than you could have.  I had to sort through the whole "men as villains" scenario before I saw clearly enough that it wasn't just fear of being a bad man that I was facing, but rather that I wasn't a man at all.  Not that I had to face any of the kinds or abuse that you did, you're amazing just to have survived! 

You don't mention your own beliefs about God, but if you talk to people, you find that everyone has a different perception and belief, and every one is as valid as another.  Maybe she's right in the sense that you can find your identity through God, but that doesn't mean the outcome will meet her expectations.  On the odd occasions when I do pray, I pray for the strength to do what I need to do, and the wisdom to see exactly what that is.  After that, faith is trusting that you'll get an outcome that's best for you. 

I wouldn't let others speak for God, for God may give you the strength and wisdom to pursue the path that brings you peace. 

Erin

Wow .. what a great post. Thank you for the inspiration.

Thanks everyone. Yeah, through therapy we've worked out there just is no 'pull' to jy male identity and a huge push to 'female'.

But i might cope with somewher in between..it has to be as I have a job as dad and husband for at least another 20 years