Hello I think I am trans but I am worried that I might be mistaken could I hear what you people think please

Here is my story



When I was young I was always a very timid child and I would play with boys and girls indiscriminately was always afraid of stuff especially germs and dirt
When I was in year 3 I had just moved a to a new school and I found that the boys at the new school didnt like me and I didnt like them so I hang with the girls I loved hanging with the girls I would sit at the girls table at lunch I wouldnt dare sit at the boys table they were the 'others' and I played with the girls too not really doing girl stuff specifically but just doing kid stuff like playing tag ect. When I was in year 4 I did find one boy I liked hanging with his name was Kristian and we bonded over our common interest in prehistoric animals but I still played with the girls too,
But in year 5 I was moved to an all boys school in a nearby town I hated it there I was bullied for being wierd and in year 6 I was moved to a new school again at this school I wasnt bullied but I couldnt make any friends and I thought that I had lost the ability to make friends with people
Eventually I was moved back to the town of my birth and sent back to the same school as I had gone to in year 3 and 4, I once again hang out with Kristian but when I tried to hang out with the same group of girls they told me to get lost I wasn't happy about this I felt betrayed but I continued to hang with Kristian and his friends and became the eccentric weirdo of the group I became convinced that I wasnt really a human being (a belief I continued to believe up to 9th grade) and continued my fascination with prehistoric animals and evolution
In 7th grade I continued this feeling of being different and because I was bullied alot by the other children I began to hate humans often saying if I had a time machine I would go back and destroy the ancestors of humans before humans had a chance to evolve, and at this time i respected animals alot so I often thought of myself as more of an animal than a human
In 8th grade I was put into a special school (because I have Autism I thought this was why I felt different but I didnt feel the same as the other Autistic kids either) one day at home I came across this story of a boy being socially turned into a girl (it was fiction) and then all the girls were nice to him/her and the whole story made me feel really warm inside and I wished something like that would happen to me, I read alot more stories about boys turning into girls after that, also read stories about other kinds of transformations but although I found those stories interesting I never wanted them to happen to me like I wanted the one about the boy becoming a girl to happen to me,

In the 9th grade we moved very far away and I was put into a different special school I was 14 at the time and I really hated what was happening to my body as puberty was starting I even tried to convince a doctor to cut off my balls because I thought that would stop it I particually didnt like the body hair and the lowering of my voice and I neved wanted to gain any sort of muscle mass because I thought it looked wrong somehow, I also became increasingly more interested in what it would be like to be a girl so I tried to use hypnosis to make me think my body had changed into female form but being Autistic the hypnosis never worked on me, I also tried to turn myself into a girl using magic spells I found on the internet but obviously that didnt work

When I was 15 in grade 10 I was moved back to my home town and put in a new alternative school that had just opened at that time my sex drive had just matured but I wasnt interested in having sex with girls like the other boys were I identified as Asexual, but behind closed doors the idea of being a girl had begun to arouse me and I masterbated to the idea of males turning into females which lead me to believe that this was some kind of fetish even though I still did want to be a girl
In grade 11 nothing much happend I thought this was a fetish
In grade 12 I found videos on the internet claiming to be able to transform me into a girl using subliminal messages and I decided that is what I wanted so I tried to make it work because I am very gullible at times but it didnt work obviously and I thought "am I trans?" but as I had severe anxiety and alot of other issues I thought It wouldnt be fair to give my family another issue so I decided I would play as female characters on computer games to try to alleviate these feelings I realised that I was having I really enjoyed being a girl in online games and very rarely did anyone ask me if I was a boy in real life but after a while this was just not enough but I kept this a secret for a long time and I read stories about men turning into women and watched tv shows about it like ranma1/2 and one day I got very emotional and cried about being a boy in the toilet for an hour while I was alone I knew then that there was no way that this was just a fetish because I had always known deep down that the world was wrong somehow and I used emotional supression to deal with it, I had anxiety too and it was wierd because all my life my anxiety just found new things to be worried about and I sometimes thought that there might be something deep down that was the root cause of my anxiety and misery and I may have just have found it so I told my Mother because my reasoning was that if this is the solution to fixing my anxiety something that is troubling her to I have am obligation to tell her and she took it pretty well, but it took me a while to fully accept that this is what is happening and I still have doubts but I dont know how I could stand being a boy in the past because whenever I think of going back to that I get very depressed I am hoping to find a therapist that can help me with this soon

And here is some more information that lists the evidence for and against as well as some coping messures I ised in the past

EVIDENCE FOR:

Trying to turn myself into a girl using magic and sublimimal messaging designed to change me into a girl(because I am crazy and I can make myself believe anything when I am desperate, I do this almost every other week),

Using birthday wishes to try to turn myself into a girl,

Playing as female characters on computer games almost exclusively to try to alleviate these feelings,

Being disgusted by testosterone and actively trying to find ways to reduce it in my body even going to far as to try to convince a doctor to cut my balls off when I was 14,

A belief that muscle mass is disgusting,

Growing my hair out and avoiding the question when people asked why,

A complete disintrest in persuing sexual relations with anyone,

Using isochronronic frequency 1351hz ( estrogen production) alleviated my anxiety and depression almost completely and all perscribed anti depressants were only semi effective,

I have had anxiety all my life but it got signifficantly worse during and after puberty,

When I was a child I had a high pitched voice and I liked it but when I got older it lowered and I hated not having a high pitched voice,

I hate being called handsome,

I always believed I was ugly despite other people saying that I am not,

I have always believed myself to be different than my peers somehow when I was a child I claimed to be the sole member of my own species to express these feelings,

I liked shaving my legs,

I liked shaving my arm pits,

While the boys were interested in having sex with girls I was more interested in what it would like to be one,

When I was 13 for a long time my nipples really hurt when they were touched,

I have cried about being a boy on a few occasions,

I have been having these feelings for about 6 years,

I never looked after my appearance because I didnt think putting on nice clothes or washing myself would make me any less disgusting ( I especially hated it when people say that if I take care of my appearance Id feel better),

When I realised that I am probably a girl my thoughts of suicide stopped but when I started doubting this my suicidal thoughts came back almost immediately,

I feel alot happier when I feel sure that I am a girl and my mind sometimes feels clearer too,

Thinking that I am not a girl makes me sad most of the time,

When I was very young I liked to put towls around me the girl way and look at myself in the mirror but when other people came I put it the the towl around the boy way,

One of the main reasons I didnt consume alcohol was because I thought that the confidence would make me reveal the secret and I didnt know how people would take it,

Constantly fantasizing about being a girl,

Writting stories where one of the main themes are males turning into females,

When I have doubts I try my best to prove that I am a girl to myself this means that I must want to be one if I am willing to go through all this confusion and stress to be one,

If I was given the option to be happy as a boy or be a girl I would still be a girl(most of time when I am not worrying about whether I am wrong),

Normal people dont usually ask the question "am I transgender?",

Sometimes visualising myself as a girl makes me feel good,

When I was really young I really liked hanging with the girls then as I got older I was really hurt when they didnt want me around them anymore,

Imagining more weight on my chest makes me feel good,

Having sex from the male perspective sounds disgusting but having sex from the female perspective often sounds pretty good,

I have thought about mutilating my genitals alot trying to think of the least painful way to do it,

No matter how many times I convince myself that being a girl is a bad Idea the desire always returns eventually/ no matter how many times I dismiss this question it always comes back at some point,

When I started going through puberty I was very upset about it but at the time I thought that everyone just hated going through puberty,

I have always hated doing really masculine activities like motorbike riding, sports, metal and woodwork ect. And when given the choice these and something like home ec or sewing I would always choose home ec or sewing,

My ideal romantic relationship should I choose to have one was one where I would perform the stereotypically female role like being protected and with holding sex to get what I want ect.,

Alot of the time I found it very hard to relate to my male friends on some issues particularly issues involving sex but also issues pretaining to the correct way to behave,

My coldness and emotional detachment are a conditioned responce that I taught myself when I was very young I would cry when I saw someone else cry,

When I cry and my mum tells me boys dont cry I want to scream at her "I dont want to be a boy",

I avoid any exercise that would make my arms thicker but I do lots of walking partly because I think it will make my legs thicker giving the illusion of wider hips,

When I was really young after I had to stop hanging with the girls it took me a while to figure out how boy society worked because when I was hanging with the girls in year 3 the boys seemed like the 'others' especially when eating lunch I always hang at the girls table and avoided sitting at the boys table because they were the 'others',

In 9th grade I always said that the girls intimidated me which everyone said was weird,
I really wish there was a way to be 100% sure that I am a girl because I really hope I am one because when I didnt realise that I probably was one life felt like ->-bleeped-<-,
Whenever someone called me female like I always secretly felt pride but I didnt tell them I did  ( for example when my block mates at uni said your acting like a girl when I was being stubburn I thought "yes there is a reason for that"),

I really enjoy stories where males turn into females and I watch tv shows and read stories about it and it makes me feel good in my chest,

I had a teacher once that hated boys but she really liked me,

In the 9th grade girls commented that I didnt think like "other boys" on a few occasions,

My dad once bribed me to cut my hair but afterwards I felt immediate regret so I grew it back and never let him cut it again also I had nightmares about my hair getting cut and I really want to keep it long because its the only piece of femaleness I can express without to many questions,

Now whenever I look at old pictures with me with short hair I think it looks really bad even though everyone else thinks it looks better than my long hair and they constantly try to convince me to make it short again,

I have really skinny arms and I really like the look of my skinny arms,

I sometimes think my hands are too big (however I am not sure how they would look smaller),

I always thought my skin was to rough,

I never liked body hair (at least not the amount I have),

Sometimes I think my body proportions are a bit off,

When I stood in the mirror and tryed my best to make it look like I had female hips I thought it looked right ( this is important because I was worried that I might not like the look of female hips on me but when I did it it looked good and I wasnt expecting that but I am happy about this),

When I am naked in the bathroom I always used to put my dick bettween my legs so I couldnt see it and when I did that I thought it looked better,


When I have doubts I get really upset but when I feel sure I am a girl I feel really happy,

The thought of staying a boy makes me want to die,

I dont like the gender expectations put on me as my biological sex,

Before I realised I was probably trans I felt that something was really wrong and the world was really dark and the idea of removing all emotions sounded good to me at that time I thought while watching Doctor who that cyberconversion sounds pretty good,

EVIDENCE AGAINST:

I am worried that I might be wrong my greatest fear is if I am wrong and I dont like it for example what if I dont like my new face or something because I dont know what my face will look like and I dont know exactly what I am supposed to look like my greatest fear is that I am scared that If I am wrong I might give myself disphoria,


Sometimes I look at a certain female body part and obsess over whether I want it or not, even if I had never worried about it before and I usually get over it( I am pretty sure this is OCD because if you overthink anything it starts looking weird so I am pretty sure its just OCD messing with me, in fact I am 99% sure because none of these body parts bothered me in the slightest until I started obsessing over them),

I have always been fascinated by transformation and for a while I thought these feelings were just a fetish, also I thought it might be a fetish because masturbation could temporarily make the feelings go away so I masturbated whenever these feelings came up (i feel extremely worried about this because if its a fetish then I have to back to being a boy and I dont like being a boy, but its probably not because only some of the fantasies I have about being a girl are sexual others just make me feel warm in my chest or make me feel like I belong somewhere, also masterbation dulls other anxieties and desires aswell that have nothing to do with gender, also masterbation doesnt make me want to be a boy it just stops me from caring about anything for a while),



Sometimes I go into a limbo state where I know being a boy doesnt work but I dont know if being a girl is a good idea either but I always go back to wanting to be a girl eventually usually I go back to wanting to be a girl within a few hours this happends when I get overwhelmed with doubt when this happends I start thinking of alternative solutions like androgeny but then I come to then I feel like I want to be a girl again,



THINGS I HAVE DONE TO COPE BEFORE I ADMITED I WAS TRANS
Playing as female characters in computer games,
Denial,
Suppressing my emotions,
Deluding myself into thinking that I was superior to all other humans so changing me was blasphemy,
Deluding myself into believing I could turn into a girl without assistance from anyone,
Masterbating alot because I found that doing this could dull the disphoria if I masterbated alot,
Distracting myself with interests,
Taking anti-depressants,

-----------------

I am very worried that I might just have a sexual fetish because masterbation stops me caring about this for a little while and I sometimes question whether I really want this, bit I definitely dont want to be a boy again so I am very worried

Cis people don't question or analyse their assigned gender; only trans people do that. So reading your post it sounds like you're on the trans spectrum somewhere. What stands out from your post is you saying you feel happier imagining being a girl and sad when you think of going back to being a boy. There's your answer right there.

Maybe speak to a gender therapist would help. There's no rush to start physically or socially transition; but speaking to someone will help you muddle through your fears and help your self esteem. You might also want to look into going to a trans group. They're for people who are questioning their assigned gender as well as for people who are positive their assigned gender isn't correct.

Thankyou Ellis your comment made me feel better, I am a very indecisive person because I have Anxiety, thanks

Quote from: primeval15429 on June 26, 2017, 04:15:45 AM
Hello I think I am trans but I am worried that I might be mistaken could I hear what you people think please

Here is my story


.....

Hi primeval15429

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

I agree with Ellis that you fit on the trans spectrum...

What you do about it is the bigger question. You do not have to go flat out into any kind of transition, I suggest you seek someone with knowledge about trans stuff (preferably a professional) and start to work through some of this stuff. You may also want to try a few different things and see how you feel. There are many ways to express yourself and your femineity without having to transition. It may in the end turn out that transition is the best answer for you...it may not. You can also find a local support group and see if you can't explore some of these questions.
 

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

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ElizabethK
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Thankyou I think I do want to transition eventually but the nearest gender therapist is 2.5 hours away by car and I cant drive on my own,  also what is this spectrum?

Hi Primeval,

Reading your list matched so closely to my life it is somewhat creepy. The only key differences between you and me is that you have anxiety, I did not, and I did not particularly "hate" my male body, other than that I think my story would read just about word for word to yours.

A few years back I made the decision to go ahead with gender transition, at that point I was thinking about what it would be like to be female about 16 hours a day, it was to the point of an obsession that it was affecting my life. Since going ahead with transition I am now able to cope with normal life again, the obsession is gone and for the first time life feels "right". I have seen gender psychiatrist who has diagnosed me as transgender, so I personally think there is a good chance that this is the case for you. But as others said, you are certainly on the transgender spectrum. What this means is that you might not be a standard M2F (male to female), maybe you might be gender fluid, gender queer, or have some other unique way to express your gender identity. However in saying that my guess would be you are male to female, but I am sure you will figure out what you are in the future.

To this day my biggest fear about being transgender and going through gender transition is that I have made the wrong decision. All the evidence I see around me tells me that I have made the right decision, but I am still scared that one day something will change my mind. The way I deal with this is if I had not made the decision to transition I would be in a very bad place now. My obsessions were affecting me at work, affecting my love life, affecting my self worth. Identifying that I was probably transgender, much the same as you have was my first step to learning to live with who I truly was. I went to a psychologist (who had no history in gender issues) and they didn't think I could be transgender because I didn't show all the typical traits of dysphoria, but they did encourage me to live as a girl because this was clearly what I wanted. A few months later I found a psychiatrist who was experienced in the right fields who walked me step by step through my decision. Their job was to make sure that I had considered all the consequences and that I was making a decision for the right reasons. This was a great process that really helped me think about some aspects that I wouldn't have thought of by myself.
n
Since starting hormones my own "fetish" or sexual fantasy about changing into a girl has almost completely gone away. However my thoughts about having sex as a woman still drive my fantasies. I personally put this down to, in your fantasy the most important thing to you is being who you want. The excitement of doing something naughty sometimes adds a bit to it, but in the end you have fantasies because that is what you desire. I don't think there is anything wrong with having those thoughts, as long as you are not harming others do what you want, and enjoy who you are.

In the end all I can say is what are your options from here.
a) you can continue to live as you are: a boy and push your feelings down (note: this may not always be safe depending on your own situation).
b) you can find some relief to your situation, maybe try cross dressing every now and then, start in private and see how it feels. If you feel up to it, try it in public.
c) decide you want to try living as a girl (this is sort of an option to look at after option b)
d) maybe try a mix of living as a guy and living as a girl and see what works for you (this is what is sometimes called gender fluid).
e) something else. (there are always other options, just have a think and come up with what is best for you in your situation.)

At the end of the day, don't worry about finding out if you are transgender to determine what you do next. Decide what helps you get through each day and do what is best for you (obviously don't make any irreversible decisions at this stage). Be free with yourself and try your best to not conform just for the sake of it. If you can't explore at home, maybe try going for a weekend away where you are free to do what you want. Pursue what makes you happy, and I think a great place to start is start experimenting with your gender expression. Find someone who you can be open with and talk to them, speaking to someone is a great way to figure out your own thoughts. But most of all be yourself, whatever that is.

Lydia

So take baby steps to see what I like and what I dont? That is actually a great idea move closer and closer to the female side of the spectrum until I find somewhere that I feel most comfortable be that all the way over to the girl side or somewhere in bettween, thanks

Quote from: primeval15429 on June 26, 2017, 07:47:58 AM
So take baby steps to see what I like and what I dont? That is actually a great idea move closer and closer to the female side of the spectrum until I find somewhere that I feel most comfortable be that all the way over to the girl side or somewhere in bettween, thanks

Yes - this is one of the cool things - you don't have to do everything at once, and you don't have to aim for 100%.  You get to decide. 

I don't know which country or region you're in, but a transgender support group can be very helpful if one exists in your area.  The gender therapist you mentioned is 2.5 hours away, that's a challenge but maybe you can contact the therapist to see if there's a way to accommodate.  Most therapists do one hour sessions, maybe you can arrange longer sessions once per month due to travel time.  Set up a monthly trip by bus, have a friend drive you, etc. 

I believe you are asking the right questions.

Best wishes

Quote from: primeval15429 on June 26, 2017, 05:58:05 AM
Thankyou I think I do want to transition eventually but the nearest gender therapist is 2.5 hours away by car and I cant drive on my own,  also what is this spectrum?

Not necessarily a Gender Therapist, any LGBT friendly counsellor will do for a start to help you work your way through this stuff. The spectrum I talk about is a line at one end is Macho Macho man and the other end is super girly girl...you fit somewhere in between...I am not total girly girl but more towards that end, definitely girl. As others have suggested try a few things see what you like...

Your story is very similar to mine as well.  The gaming with female characters, casting spells, wishes, hanging mostly with girls, and the male disliking teacher not minding me.  The more the stories change the more they stay the same, it seems.  I will echo the search for a therapist suggestion, it worked wonders for me.

Actually I thought being gender fluid was a good idea at least for the time being but I asked some people if being gender fluid was a real thing but they said you have to choose to either be a girl or a boy

Well you tell them The Devyl said come to Hell.  Genderfluid IS a thing, and you're looking at the thing. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: primeval15429 on June 26, 2017, 06:53:07 PMthey said you have to choose to either be a girl or a boy

They are flat-out wrong.  You can be anywhere in between if you want.  This whole journey is about being YOU.

Quote from: Loxygen on June 26, 2017, 06:55:57 AM
Hi Primeval,

Reading your list matched so closely to my life it is somewhat creepy. The only key differences between you and me is that you have anxiety, I did not, and I did not particularly "hate" my male body, other than that I think my story would read just about word for word to yours.

Lydia

Thank you for this post Lydia.  I am also questioning myself at the moment, and have recently become "obsessed" with it a little bit too.  Maybe not 16 hours a day, but it is having an impact on my life.  I am glad you brought up fantasies and how that has changed since you went through transition.  This is my biggest hang-up.  I am afraid it is just a fantasy and not really what I want full time.  I am able to function as a male and I have a decently fulfilling life.  I have always thought of my feelings as a kink.  It is only recently that strong emotions have come to the forefront and I have starting reading a lot of trans personal stories that I have started to believe I may be trans.

Anyway, I really enjoyed your post and the way you laid it out.  Thank you!

Funny story one thing I did when I was a kid that I just remembered was for some reason I became convinced that the girls had some sort of magic power that they could use to turn boys into girls so basically I tried to tease them to trick them into doing it to me and make them think they were punishing me for teasing them but im fact that was the plan all along

Sometimes when I think about becoming a girl I feel a wierd feeling in my stomache and genitals but it feels nice and sometimes I feel the good feeling in my chest is this normal for someone who is trans?

Evidence for: long list of concrete things
Evidence against: short list of fears

This seems like the shortest path here.

I think you're transgender.

Hi Primeval,

I think know that feeling you'r talking about, in the stomach, chest or genitals.  It's kind of like going down a hill suddenly.  It's kind of an ache, but also a shortness of breath.  Like I might dissolve or something.  It feels good, but is also overwhelming. 

Sometimes I feel that way when I really imagine being a woman.  It's like a huge relief, but also like I might be carried away on the wind.  Like with this weight gone, I will be weightless. 

-Deb

Quote from: primeval15429 on June 26, 2017, 04:15:45 AM

I am worried that I might be wrong my greatest fear is if I am wrong and I dont like it for example what if I dont like my new face or something because I dont know what my face will look like and I dont know exactly what I am supposed to look like my greatest fear is that I am scared that If I am wrong I might give myself disphoria,

The others who have posted have provided far more in-depth detail and information than I possibly could provide. That being said, this part of your post really stuck out to me, for two reasons from my own experience.

First: Transitioning will not fix every thought you have about your appearance. Most cis women, and most people in general, don't like specific or vague attributes about themselves. My cis sister thinks she has too high of a forehead. My cis girlfriend doesn't like her weight and rosacea. One of my brothers hates his smile.

For me, it's not about "what if I still don't like x after I transition." (Though I confess to worry, I try to remind myself of this truth.) Chances are there will be something. I am transitioning to finally be at peace within myself, and to be able to see on the outside something that more closely resembles my soul. As I progress, there are less things I dislike specifically *because they seem masculine*, but there are still things I don't like. Some I can improve with continuing along my transition. Others with exercise. Others still I can change with how I wear my hair or the types of clothes I choose. But there are others that will always be there. They aren't there because I'm trans, and they don't bother me due to the fact I'm trans. They are there, and I dislike them, simply because I am human.

Secondly: The main piece of advise I can give in response to this part of your quote is how I approached a very similar question myself when I first came out. I too was concerned. I am the type who wants to know how everything will turn out before I take the first step. That's not possible here, and I realized that. So what I decided early on was this, I would try something. I'd take a step toward what I thought I wanted to be, and I'd see how it made me feel. I put on a skirt. That's easy to stop, to remove, to "go back" if for some reason I hated it. I shaved my legs. If I hated it, it could regrow. I painted my nails. Simple acetone undoes that if it's too much or too far.

What I rapidly found was that I did not want to go back. Every small change showed me more of who I am, whether I adopted it into my life or not. Not every one became part of my regular routine. Some I chose to delay till further in my transition, like wearing a skirt in public (which I've only ever done the once so far), others I decided weren't for me just as they may not be the preference of other women, and most I've enjoyed, felt satisfied and comfortable with, and incorporated into my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that transition is a marathon, not a sprint, as cliché as that  sounds. It's a journey, not a goal. There is no magic button that flips you over to completely transitioned to your internal gender, as much as part of us would prefer that option. This takes away a good deal of the worry of "not liking what you'd become." You don't have to be afraid of hating irreversible steps, as you will have plenty of time to explore your identity before you get to those types of choices.

You are strong. You are beautiful. If you choose to transition, it will be rewarding, frightening, and illuminating. But you are in control of it. Now, and always.

With love,
~Alia