I have a big problem  and unfortunately, non TS people can not understand me or give me a piece of advice
A few years ago, when i had not yet started transition, love was never an issue for me..I needed just friends, my family and occasional sex.At the age of 19 my philosophy about life changed completely, I had to become a woman (my real sex). Being a boy was very stressful for me. The story is the pretty much the same after that.hormones etc......
However, my dipression grew more. In addition to that, love came along:( He was a very sweet and handsome boy 2 years younger than me, completely str8, completely narrow minded.
I decided to become friend with him, without telling him i am not a natal girl.(I have not evet gone through srs)
A week later he told me he was madly in love with my and he wanted us to make an affair. I told him i am not ready for a sexual relationship because i come from a very religious family and sex is out of the question.I liked him but i was not in love.I just wanted his friendship, and i was so flattered he fell in love, that i said yes to his proposal.
During the next months, we became excellent friends,we were making out a lote(no sex!!) and he took me to his family, who really loved me.I  am invited for dinner almost every week.
Now -11 months after-  my boyfriend has started having doubts about the normality of this relationship. I see doubts in his eyes.Sometimes he is afraid of me and my mystery. The main problem is a fell in love too. I am so in love i cry every single night. He once asked me.Please tell me what is your problem.I want to help you. I was so close to telling him, but i did not
I KNOW He does not like TS, we were seeing NIP TUCK in the summer where the son;s girlfrined turned out to be trans, and my boyfriend fricked. He said. Oh my god. ->-bleeped-<-gets( i don not  know the spelling. i mean gays in a very slang way)) are dangerous thesedays.
Ok you will say he is not worth trying.But when he is with me he is so polite.so different,so caring. I have seen him with his friends and i can say, With me his completely different
Last week we had a fight, and i realised that this relationship will come to an end soon. so i got the blues.In a very extreme way. I can not risk to lose him. But i  do not want to make him a TS hater for the rest of his life.Because do you imagine what will happen if he finds out his first love was ts( something he strongly dislikes)
Suicide seems to be the only option. i was suicidal before, especially after starting my hormone regiment, but my boyfriend helped me a lot. now the cure to my emotional problems, seems to be the cause of it.
Can anyone help? pLease do not judge me wrong:( i was in need of lovE:( and gay men were not an option for me:(

Hi, Deniz,

I know the need for love and many years of crying.  You could be my granddaughter.  That is how long I have carried what I carry.

It is best IMHO, that you keep your TS status to yourself.  Why buy trouble, now and in the future, when you can get it for free simply by waking each day?  Aside from pissing this guy off because he fell in love with a pre-op TS, what else do you hope to do?  Guys are crazy enough at 17, not to mention at 21 or later.  Perhaps you'll still be living in that town.  What will you do?

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

I know tears.  Mine have been with me for 40 years.

Fix your mistake by breaking it off before it's too late.

I hope that you land safely.

Wing Walker

if only i had more ts people in my town:( i read your opinions and sharing my pain helps a lot. I do not know what i hope. Maybe that he loves me so much and he will stay no matter what.yes,keep dreaming you would say. And no matter how homophobic my bf is, with me his is an angel:(sometimes when i cry he just can;t stand watching me like this and he cries with me.He is sensitive sweet and prejudiced:(
what a difficult life:(to me only the pursuit of love matters.and when we sleep together hugging throughout the night i feel it is a God sent love.
He is so proud of me.I am beautiful educated,kind,pure to his eyes.
After revealing my secret i  will just be to him,something to be ashamed of:(
I must have been a very bad person in my previous life\

Quote from: deniz on February 13, 2008, 04:06:00 AM
I must have been a very bad person in my previous life\

Thats the most saddening thing I read the last few days...

Dont tell yourself that hun, or try not to...youre a woman, a special one....one that stands up and says "I am what I am , I cant fool the world I am male" I envy many transsexuals that transition or try to, its so powerful

I am a transgender myself ( I think)..sometimes I wished I was born a girl if I had the choice..I guess you can recognize that. You can become what you ought to be ( I hope)... I cant choose between male and female so...I really respect you

Did that all make sense at all? I am ranting a bit today 

Love,
Vincent

Quote from: Veetje on February 13, 2008, 04:21:36 AM

Quote from: deniz on February 13, 2008, 04:06:00 AM
I must have been a very bad person in my previous life\

Thats the most saddening thing I read the last few days...

Dont tell yourself that hun, or try not to...youre a woman, a special one....one that stands up and says "I am what I am , I cant fool the world I am male" I envy many transsexuals that transition or try to, its so powerful

I am a transgender myself ( I think)..sometimes I wished I was born a girl if I had the choice..I guess you can recognize that. You can become what you ought to be ( I hope)... I cant choose between male and female so...I really respect you

Did that all make sense at all? I am ranting a bit today 

Love,
Vincent

Thank you a lot for your sympathy and warm words Vincent,
But since you are trangendered your self you can understand my agony and pain.Moreover, i feel alone: in this country:(All i have is my bf who does not konw about me and my parents who do not understand me. Everytime i tried to find someone like me, all i found was sex maniac people obsessed with becoming women so as to make money though sex. I am so angry to them:(BUT I AM SO ANGRY TO ME TOO.if all i cared about was sex and fun maybe things would be better. My sister told me. Why are you depressed. yOu are prettier than me. You can fool men easily:( .So who can i talk to. They thing people change sex because they want to be desired by men (or women to ftm). At some extend i decided to change my apperance because one of the things that made NO SENSE TO ME, was to be desired by women, and not being able to desire and have men. But it was not sex,It was the fact that LIFE,LOVE,RELATIONSHIPS made no sense with me being a boy.
My therapist is stupid but the only available in my town.An specialised therapist is 700 kilometres away.i Can not afford it. So no help from him either.

Hi Deniz welcome to Susan's
Well now it would appear that we have had a similar relationship. Mine was back in 62. I ran away from home at the age of 15 with just the intent to explore different real estate, but I also had a destination, New-york City to join the hippies. Well as it all began to unfold my only worldly belongings were in this bag made out of a bed sheet and twenty dollars I had stolen from a mason jar  my mom kept in the  kitchen pantry.

Well I entered a diner and ordered something to eat and I spotted three hippies sitting at a cubicle on the opposite side of the dinner. Well, I was lucky, as I walked by this really good looking blond haired blue eyed kid had caught my attention and I tripped over my own feet as I looking at him. I nearly stumbled towards their table and finally got my equilibrium back before I went sailing head long into their table. I was some embarrassed,  I was certainly surprised that he spoke to me and gestured for me to sit with him on his side of the table. Afterwards we, his two friends and I rode in his mini Volkswagen van, a few miles to the commune. Back then with my butt length hair I guess I really did pass as a girl. I was even quartered with the girls which consisted of mostly runaways like myself.

I was there for a couple of years, as our relationship grew into intimacy.  I had certainly fallen head over heals in love with  this blue eyed blond haired kid. Then things really began to slide down hill. The commune was no longer a safe place to stay. My beloved told me I would have to leave. He drove me to the edge of the city and there we sadly  parted company and the flood gates had opened as I watched his Volkswagen minivan disappear among other cars on the freeway.

I wonder how  many other individuals nowadays as well as back in those days come this close to completely passing as a girl without the hormones. I realised that sooner or later I would have to tell him my secret, or simply just disappear into the night. Well I suppose that this difficult decision was now out of my hands as it had already been decided or me, fate? maybe, but I don't think so. Maybe the gods were watching over me.

Cindy       

 Great story Cindy:) And wonderfully told:) you remind me of Jenie in Forrest Gump movie

But realize theres also MtF's that like girls ( or both) and FtM's that like men (or both). There are more of them than you think 

I like women and men myself...

Thank you Deniz. Forest Gump, well I certainly did a good job of beating both Gump and Stomping Tom when it came to exploring real-estate. All of the eastern states and from coast to coast of Canada. Next summer Wing Walker and I are going to do some exploring of the West coast of US and a possibility of going to Australia as well in the future. Have a wonderful morning hon. When I depart this world I pray that it will be during a road trip. Gypsy Cindy

Cindy

Hello Deniz........

You are certainly in a precarious situation, where there is no "happy ending".  But, don't think of it as and ending, but as a transition into a better, honest relationship with someone who can love you for who you are.  Your life now is all about transition, and transition comes in many areas of your life besides your body.  You are so very very young, and like Wing Walker, I'm an old lady (Okay, WW....olDER).  I hate to sound like a grandmother, Deniz, but I think you need the advice of one now.

You need to break it off right away.  Waiting is not a good choice.  Don't tell him you are transsexual...DO NOT!  He loves you at this very minute, but when he finds out you are pre-op, post-op, whatever, he may very well become violent.  Bigots can be a lot like pit bulls.  They can turn on a loved one in an instant (please everybody, don't inundate me with pit bulls are nice nice.  Some other time)
Anyway, Deniz, your boyfriend may turn on you out of hatred, ignorance, fear, or spite for deceiving him, and only possibly regret his damaging or fatal reaction later when it is too late.  Or, he may feel justified.  He is a bigot.  Your job in life now is to survive in a world that can be dangerous to us, and you must do everything at all times to make sure you are never in a dangerous situation.

You ARE in a dangerous situation, right now.  Break it off, tell him there is someone else.  Tell him anything at all.  Break his heart.  But PLEASE....don't tell him you are ts.

Tough, I know, but it's the best advice I have

You have friends here


Bev

Break it off.  Tell him that you no longer wish to be with him.  You have led him along for too long and he shows no sign of understanding.  So don't tell him about your TS status.

You have betrayed him and he will not be able to deal with the truth.  He may become violent.

If you think you like someone, you need to tell them sooner after probing their potential acceptance.  Don't ever lead someone along like this.  The results are seldom positive.

I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Cindi

I think and fear Cindi is right ^^

DO NOT TELL HIM.  Of course, any advice you get on this forum is not as good as what you know, yourself, to be true.  You know what he is like and what he will accept and what he will not.  The impression I get from your post is that he will not accept this, and it will only make a bad situation worse.  Break it off without coming out; it would only end badly.

Lia

I quite agree with genovais. Break it off or if you still feel like telling him the truth I would suggest you move to another country and tell him on the phone. But really I was in the same situation when I was 16  and knew I would have to tell him, but I knew if I did, well I didn't want to tell him for fear of hurting him. Never gave it a thought it could go the other way. It's a good thing that my deciding whether or not I should tell him or not was taken out of my hands.

Cindy

thank you all for your replies. I guess it is the right to decision to make.But my heart is bleeding.I am so in love:((Having srs very soon srs would it make things any better?To be honest stealth way is my goal:(
he is going to the army this summer so i would have 1 year of privacy to do my genitals right.Do you thing it is a decision of despair?

Quote from: deniz on February 14, 2008, 03:02:03 AM
Having srs very soon srs would it make things any better?

Hard to tell from this distance, but your first post sounds like it probably would not.

Quote from: deniz on February 14, 2008, 03:02:03 AM
To be honest stealth way is my goal:(
he is going to the army this summer so i would have 1 year of privacy to do my genitals right.

Even so, being in deep enough stealth to marry someone who cannot accept transsexuality is a bit extreme. Could you risk the matter coming up after you've been married for a few years? Could you live with that kind of dishonesty?

Quote from: deniz on February 14, 2008, 03:02:03 AM
Do you thing it is a decision of despair?

No. Distress and broken hearts, yes, but not quite despair. You will get over it eventually, and it's better to break up now than to stay in a relationship where the person you love has an irrational fear and loathing for something very central to your being. That could easily end in despair, and more broken body parts than just the heart.

Or it could end well, with you being able to educate him out of his bigotry. He is young, after all. It's very much a risk, though, and the biggest risks involve your own safety. And while I don't know the US army very well, my guess is that their basic training isn't exactly the best environment to start the process towards embracing gender variance.

  Nfr

Quote from: deniz on February 14, 2008, 03:02:03 AM
thank you all for your replies. I guess it is the right to decision to make.But my heart is bleeding.I am so in love:((Having srs very soon srs would it make things any better?To be honest stealth way is my goal:(
he is going to the army this summer so i would have 1 year of privacy to do my genitals right.Do you thing it is a decision of despair?

Hon, having that kind of a secret in a relationship - well, it always comes out eventually, and when it does, it destroys everything. Sadly the only thing you really can do is break it off - he's going to want to know why, beg and plead for you to stay, but I suppose the best you can do is tell him that he simply wouldn't understand. Don't tell him while in a relationship - judging by how homophobic he sounds, he WILL react very badly. As sweet as he is, it sounds like he has deep issues that might explode violently.

If you must tell him, wait until you two are separated, and you preferably from his friends as well. Moving to a different country does sound about right.

I'm so sorry dear-heart.

Simone

Ok. I get it. I think i will say that i can not wait during him being in the army and i will brake up.However, i realise there is not a single one of you that could be optimist, or romantic enough to let me hope:(
thank you though.I know you are trying to protect me from a hate crime

Quote from: deniz on February 14, 2008, 06:11:23 AM
...i realise there is not a single one of you that could be optimist, or romantic enough to let me hope:(

I'm sorry hon. We just don't want you to get hurt.

Perhaps Renate is right though - write a letter, but don't allow him to read it until he's left for the army, and make sure any friends he has can't get to you. At the end of the day it's your call - you need to make the decision based on your understanding of the situation and the risks you are willing to take - we can only give incomplete advice, because we are not in your shoes.

Honey he is gonna wanna hava sex before he leaves...

Hate crimes aside, lets say you tell him, then you are out....

Everyone everywhere will know your secret...

That is if he leaves, just recently there was another couple who the woman was outed by police officers to her husband, he went home and almost beat her to death.... Happened less than a month ago.

You put yourself into a dangerous situation out of desire to be loved, and honestly it was not fair of you to do.

I think personally that you need to set aside your desire, and show love back to him by breaking it off.

In many ways if you love him, you will let him go.

Finding out something like that will be with him forever, he will think "I have been kissing a guy for years"

good luck hun and just my .02