hey guys! first of all sorry my english is not good but i will do my best so you guys understand me !!

i'm on testosterone from almost 3 months and i only have a few changes cause i have a really girly face ! even my voice don't pass ! the problem is i'm so sensitive and i get so angry when someone misgendred me! people think its ok to ask you ( are you a girl or a boy ) ...this realy makes me angry ! the worse thing is when you are with someone and people ask that pesron is that person with you a guy or a girl !!! like if you are not in the room! i always wear a hat to hide my face and avoid speaking in public so nobody knows ... but people still ask me the question like if its really important to know my gender and when i get angry people blame me!!! they think its super normal people asking about my gender and its their right to ask and its not a rude thing! even some trans guys think it's not that rude and i shouldn't really get angry ! its so embarrrasing ! i stoped getting outside my house cause i'm tired of that !! people staring and talking! they do that from 25 years they never stop!
and you always need to answer and tell the truth and they feel like they prove something cause i said my bio gender ! and u have to answer  cause it get more weird and you will look weak if you avoid answering ! i went to jail twice for that cause most of the time it turns to fight and me punching people faces cause once you answer they be like and why u look like that! and (it's not their bizzness) ( shoulnd't i get angry here too?! )
i was with my gf  in a shop buying some clothes! everything was ok till i speak  asking her about a shirt color then that guy work in the shop stand up and start following us ( make an excuse that he just try to show us the new tshirts) and i knew he came just cause he coudn't define my gender and then he asked my gf is that with u a guy or a girl !
i acctualy don't have no idea what to do in the situation !! it always end in a bad and embarrasing  way ! i'm a peaceful person but i can't live in peace cause of that ! and i always the wrong one cause people thing its ok to ask and its ot a big deal and its not rude !
lately i made a youtube chanel speaking about different stuffs (not showing my face) and the first comment i get is ( are you a guy or a girl cause your voice sound wierd ) it seems i can't live in peace i always get the question! what you guys think i should do! do you think it's my mistake that i take it that serious!!

Some people are just rude without realising they're being rude; which makes it more irritating. Unfortunately the understanding of being trans is about the same as the understanding of being gay in the 80's or 90's.  Within the last few years people now know it's rude to ask a gay couple 'who's the girl or boy in your relationship'. Being trans will hopefully receive the same level of understanding in a few years.

If I was in your situation I'd just walk away. If they can't keep their opinions to themselves they're likely not interested in being educated as to why those comments are inappropriate.

In a few months you should pass 100% though; so keep looking onwards

Maybe it's just me since I don't pass but I actually don't mind the "are you a girl or a boy" question. While people could use more tact, I prefer it to people just assuming my gender. To me it shows that the person is curious and hopefully wants to respect my answer. It means that they have factored in my masculine hair, clothes and mannerisms but also the fact that my body and voice are not masculine. They have clearly recognised that I might be something other than a tomboy. Notably, it is mostly children who ask that way and they usually accept any answer you give. Adults are more likely to just assume...
You don't have to answer in a way that makes you uncomfortable or at all. You don't owe people the truth unless you want to give it. I have answered that question with every possible answer depending on the circumstances.

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Children have asked me that. But no adults. I'd ignore their question. And if they persist I'd say "what do YOU think?" But I'm pretty out spoken and not afraid to talk for myself.

I often pass until I speak. But I guess T will take care of that.

Once I was cornered in shared basement laundry by a neighbor who asked me the same question...

I was OMG, if I tell him I'm a guy, his next question would be why are you wearing a skirt and have boobs (I was wearing forms ), would he then get confrontational? And if I tell him I am a girl would he think I'm lying to him and trying to fool him (and get angry etc). I told him honest truth - I'm a guy who wants to be a girl. Case closed He wasn't talking much to me after that,but was otherwise out of my way.


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Put them on the spot and ask them if they're a girl or a boy, it usually catches them off guard.

Quote from: arice on June 30, 2017, 07:11:06 AM
You don't have to answer in a way that makes you uncomfortable or at all. You don't owe people the truth unless you want to give it.

I think that arice has the right answer. If you don't want to answer it, don't. 

But if you are planning to transition fully,  its okay to say "boy/man" if it feels comfortable.  I started saying "guy" before I transitioned, and now, 9 months on T later, I say "guy/man/male" or "he/him" when asked.  I still get misgendered, (and I correct them), but its starting to happen less frequently.  If you keep taking T, pretty soon it'll become easier to say "boy/male," especially once your voice settls down into its new range and you get a lot of facial hair. 

Maybe you need to change your mannerisms.  Watch how men do things and imitate them.  Maybe put your hands in your pockets instead of letting them flutter around, for example.  I had to retrain myself to act more masculine, many of us do. 

Sit down at a coffee shop or eatery and  just people-watch the men.  See how they stand, how they sit, how they move their hands, anything and everything they do.  There are a lot of mannerisms that you can change to make yourself appear more masculine.

And as for advice, I don't know what country you're in, but try to not get into fights.  I'm sure you'd rather be a man thats free than a man wrongly placed in a woman's prison.

Good Luck!

Ryuichi


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Before I transitioned I got asked that all the time. I always said I was female because I am just like you are male. A lot of times someone would say "so why don't you have boobs? "  usually it was males who asked me that. I would say " why is that important to you? Are you interested in dating me?"  And I would give them a huge smile. Not only did that shut them up it usually made them walk away.  As annoying as having people ask you if you are male or female at least they have to think about it. Having someone not be sure shows that they think you could be either which in my opinion is a little bit better than just having them misgender you .

Hugs
Julia

Quote from: Julia1996 link=topic=225465.msg1997505#msg1997505
Having someone not be sure shows that they think you could be either which in my opinion is a little bit better than just having them misgender you .

Hi Julia, sometimes they are not sure.... but I think most of the times if they just unsure - they would mind their own business. I take it as a way to initiate social bashing on you, they just wait for any answer and could continue their (hopefully verbal only) attack whether you say I'm male or female. Maybe I am paranoid sometimes, but I grew in a very conservative and poor country in the times of social collapse, and being cautious is important.

Your offer/suggestion to date them coupled with a smile was a great defensive (and totally female) mechanism, deescalating situation immediately. Smile is always good, even if you're in a fight or flight mode or seconds before an attack, shows confidence and teeth to predators

I give them a flirty look and something like: "What's on your mind, Big Boy?"
Scares the crap out of them.

With children, it is more "What do you think?", or "Does it matter?"

Thank you for the answers!
the ones that told me that i can just ignore them if i don't want to answer ! trust me it's even worse when i don't answer! i was in the taxi in the driver was staring at me in the mirror and he was like ( you are a man or a woman! and i didn't answer and he said i'm talking to you answer me!
when i said the truth he said! you know that you look like a gay man!? and he gave me a really long speech about how god hates me and that i will go to hell!
Also i never get te question from a kid ! everyone asked me is an adult!
i'm from algeria btw and it's a country in africa! i don't act girly at all but here things are different! if i'm in the usa for example people will think i"m too manly maybe or at last will think i'm just an other regular guy ! but here is different! men here for example 99% of them have facial hair (long beard) they can't wear colorful clothes ! so if you don't look certain way they will think you are gay or a tomboy!

Arice hit it, and  I'm guilty of using Jin's approach as well! 

Hugs, Devlyn

Ok. That is a tough spot until your beard stars to grow. As Ryuichi said, use your time until then to secretly observe men's behavior and mannerism. Then copy them. Repeat and repeat. At last it will be your mannerism too and noone will misgender you.

They ask me all the time are you a boy or girl
But mainly because women here have strict dress code and I don't follow it
That make people wonder why
I look feminine and everyone assume I'm tomboy or girl who break the law of dress code
They become shock
I can't follow the dress code because if They find out that I'm trans I will be in big trouble

Am I the only one that finds it a harmless question?

Well, then again, context matters. If they're asking because they want to know what they should perceive or refer you as, I think it's a fair question. It's not often an androgynous trans person gets the opportunity to tell someone they are a boy/girl if they dont pass all the way.


I get it's offensive though, especially if someone is whispering behind your back or asks in a tone that implies they're judging you for not being obvious about your sex. Granted, if someone asked me this question I would probably be embarrased, but given the opportunity and if they never met me again or people who know me that may prove otherwise, I would just say I was a boy, plain as day.


I bet this is probably an awful question for agender/genderfluid people, so a fun response would be "Yes" or "No"

Quote from: pheonix on June 30, 2017, 10:14:00 AM
Thank you for the answers!
the ones that told me that i can just ignore them if i don't want to answer ! trust me it's even worse when i don't answer! i was in the taxi in the driver was staring at me in the mirror and he was like ( you are a man or a woman! and i didn't answer and he said i'm talking to you answer me!
when i said the truth he said! you know that you look like a gay man!? and he gave me a really long speech about how god hates me and that i will go to hell!
Also i never get te question from a kid ! everyone asked me is an adult!
i'm from algeria btw and it's a country in africa! i don't act girly at all but here things are different! if i'm in the usa for example people will think i"m too manly maybe or at last will think i'm just an other regular guy ! but here is different! men here for example 99% of them have facial hair (long beard) they can't wear colorful clothes ! so if you don't look certain way they will think you are gay or a tomboy!

Im sorry to hear :/ Ever thought of moving to a safer, less awful place someday? Also that taxi driver is awful, you even if you said you were a dude he'd get on your case about being effeminate and going to hell. No win. Should've just said it doesn't matter and he should respect your right to live.

Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on July 01, 2017, 05:55:56 PM
Am I the only one that finds it a harmless question?

I agree with what you said about context. I do think it depends on the situation. Now if I wasn't sure, then I probably would introduce myself and then hopefully get a introduction back with a name that gives me a clue. If it's a name that could go either way, then I may have to ask. 

When I worked retail (back in my college days), I would have people call me 'sir' when they saw me from behind, but as soon as I turned around, then they would be all apologetic. I couldn't explain to them at the time, that 'sir' was preferable, but they were often mortified at their mistake so if a person is asking just so that they know how to address the person and what pronouns to use, then I think that is preferable to making mistakes.

However in the some of the situations that were explained like the taxi cab driver, I would be so pissed off. For one, how rude, but he has a right to not answer a question. We all have that right.

People can be clueless jerks and not just about trans issues.