Hi Everyone it has been several months since the last time that I have posted on this site.  Just wanted to give all of you a status update and ask for your help on how best to come out to my spouse.   My weight loss is progressing better than I could have expected otherwise.  Starting at 272lbs I have lost a total of 60lbs and hopefully I can get down to my desired target weight.  After eight laser hair removal sessions my beard has been reduced to only the gray whiskers which means I need to switch to the other permanent method.

As of June 1st I was laid off from my job  (Software Engineer) and while I have had several interviews I do not yet been hired.  I do have some rather promising leads but some of them require moving out of state.

Now the next revelation may prove to be a sore spot with some of the members here I did it because if I didn't my Dysphoria would have claimed my life.  Since January I have been taking the DIY Hormone route.  I have been keeping a very close eye on my blood work (testing almost every other month) and my last blood serum levels are what I would be expecting.

Now I have been trying to find the best way of telling my lovely wife who i have been married to for 13 years.  She is a very kind person and a loving mother to our only child (7 year old boy).  Fairly early in our marriage I told her that I liked to crossdress and she even seen me dressed with very little reaction.  She has told me that I am not like other guys more than once.  She is no stranger to the transgender community several years ago a transman was a former coworker and she never said anything negative about the experience.

I so much want to tell her and my therapist is urging that I come out to her sooner than later considering everything I have shared both here and with her.  My concern is that she may react more negatively with the fact that currently I am not employed.  For me that is my number one requirement despite how I feel about the need to transition I have a family to support first and foremost.   If I get a job out of state I will have to tell her becasuse it would not be right for me to move her away from a job she is good at and establish new roots with the revelation that I am trans.

I was thinking about telling her after july 4th because she is taking the week off and it should give us time to talk about it.

One of the big issues with an accepting spouse is they still get upset when they are told late in the transition because it shows a lack of trust. Often they are more mad about not being told than the transition it's self. For this reason I go along with your therapist about sooner than latter. As for exactly when, that is up to you. Little details in life can make one time better than another so it's best to do it when she doesn't have much else on the plate to deal with. On the other hand, the weight loss and possibly feeling better may be showing so your wife may suspect something but not know exactly what has come over you.

Oh the dreaded "You aren't like other Guys"

Much like you, my wife knew early on about my "gender issues". Much like you I came to an impasse, needing to take on the Trans-Beast, for real, after a layoff and having to move out of state for a new job.

There is no easy way to drop the T-Bomb. Just don't drop it out of a clear blue sky. At least that how things are with my wife & I. We sort of arrange for a meeting to talk about important scary grown up sort of stuff.

Keep in mind, you spent a lifetime barely getting a handle on what it is to be trans. Your wife mere milli-seconds in comparison. "I don't know" or "I cannot say" are valid answers to the barrage questions (if you're lucky) Try to separate the message from the unfiltered words that such an emotion filled revelation will evoke.

Most of all, Time is Your Friend

It doesn't always go as planned.  My SO knew I crossdressed, didn't know that I started to become TG, and seemed fine with all I told her.  She kidded me about it a bit and asked when she would see me en-femme.  One day I came to her door tastefully feminine, said "Avon calling" when she answered and did a funny 30 second comedy routine.  For several days the relationship went crash-tinkle-tinkle.  I felt she had been dishonest with me.

Skip to the present, with enough talk about it between then and now.  Over time she accepted it better, not fully, but better.  Last week we were in TJ Maxx she fake modelled a maxi dress (way too long for her) and held it up to me, and grinned.  In addition to being a revelation it's the start of a process.

I would say one of the most important things to remember is you have had years, decades (?) To think about this.  She will have had seconds.
There is a sticky posting on either the transgender, transsexual or mtf forum here titled something about how to keep your wife.  Sorry I don't remember the name but it's at the top of they forum.  Read it.  If I remember correctly it was written by a couple l sorry l spouse and worth the read.

Good luck and I agree with Dena, don't delay.

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Thanks all (hugs to all of you) I will tell her, but I don't want the specter of not having a job hanging over our head when I break the news to her.  I so deeply love her and my little boy that I feel ashamed about this part of myself.  Dena your right though I believe that she has noticed the weight loss and other changes.

I know who I am and I just pray that she can accept me for who I am, and I will always be there for two most important people in my life

The link to the thread Denise mentioned is located here. The OPs husband wanted to transition but somewhere along the line in therapy the OP turned out to be non binary. The thread contains a good deal of advice written from somebody who has been on the receiving end.

I should say that each situation is different and you should be mentally prepared to lose it all.

I'd definitely wait until I get a job, but no longer.

And if the job is out of state, it might be a good idea for you to move there on your own and work there for some time before bringing the whole family.


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Just a update on what I have decided on coming out to my spouse.  Despite my desire of coming out to my wife I don't think that this is the best time for multiple reasons.  Not having a job has put her in the role of homemaker and breadwinner which is a stressful position for anyone to be in.  Although I am doing what I can around the house I need to be providing for my family and for me that means getting a job that I will enjoy as well as bring home the decent paycheck.   Next week I have several interviews to prep for and I feel that I need to be focused on doing well. 

But I know that i can't delay this for too much longer.  If I get a offer for a position out of state I will need to tell her since it would be unethical to move then drop the proverbial bomb on her.   I'm just so scared of losing her.  She is my best friend and i fell instantly in love with her when we first met.  Ironically we met through our own siblings  (her older sister married my younger brother)  both couples eventually married.  Regrettably their marriage this year failed (for multiple reasons primarily that he was unemployed for a extended time) and my fear is that history may be repeating.  Not to say that my wife is like her older sibling (almost exact opposite for instance my sister-in-law is more outgoing while my wife is reserved).  i think she may handle the fact that I am trans but I not sure if our marriage can survive.

Hello,

How have you managed to be on HRT for 6 months without her noticing the physical changes?

Sammy Girl - It is always better to let your wife know sooner rather than later.  It takes time for even the most understanding wife to come to terms with a spouse making such a big change.  The most important aspect is that she is involved in your marriage and by you not sharing, you are excluding her and that will hurt her more than you changing gender, if she is able to accept you for who you are.


I say let her know as soon as possible.  Your excuse about your job will just be replaced with another excuse later on.

Believe me.

I wasn't planning on telling my wife until after my first or second GT session. But she asked a question that I had to answer with telling her about the GT and why I needed a GT. To which I just said screw it, I'm doing this now. She reacted really well(something I didn't expect). She might have been completely speechless because it caught her completely off guard. Now I can tell she's still really scared about what all of it means for us. But she's still here with me for now. We'll see once she hears it from doctors and I start taking hrt and seeing changes. She surprised me once maybe it will happen again.