These day's I am struggling with a irrational fear of dying. If I think about a year or two back I did not care about my life I did not care if I was dead and wanted to take my life on a couple of occasions.I rode my superbike like an idiot. These days I have an unrealistic fear.
Things have changed since those day's.

I now have an amazing relationship. I get to live as the true me I feel a desire to live and enjoy this new found freedom. Gone is the never ending days of torture of living in a body that doesn't match my mind. All problem is this fear is causing me major anxiety.  I am scared once I am gone there is nothing after death that I will never see this beautiful wonderful man that I am dating again. Never see my child again. I am struggling from depression also because of this fear.

I spoke to my therapist about this new found fear and she says it is progress it shows that for the first time in my life I am happy. I just hate feeling so powerless that you don't know what to expect after your time is up.

I don't know how to deal with this really.

Please help

Quote from: Amoré on July 03, 2017, 10:50:55 AM
These day's I am struggling with a irrational fear of dying. If I think about a year or two back I did not care about my life I did not care if I was dead and wanted to take my life on a couple of occasions.I rode my superbike like an idiot. These days I have an unrealistic fear.
Things have changed since those day's.

I now have an amazing relationship. I get to live as the true me I feel a desire to live and enjoy this new found freedom. Gone is the never ending days of torture of living in a body that doesn't match my mind. All problem is this fear is causing me major anxiety.  I am scared once I am gone there is nothing after death that I will never see this beautiful wonderful man that I am dating again. Never see my child again. I am struggling from depression also because of this fear.

I spoke to my therapist about this new found fear and she says it is progress it shows that for the first time in my life I am happy. I just hate feeling so powerless that you don't know what to expect after your time is up.

I don't know how to deal with this really.

Please help

Hi Amore!

I think what you are feeling is pretty natural and common ... When you finally get to where you want to be in life and your life holds great value to you.., the thought of losing that, after going through so much to get there, is of course a thought that would enter into ones mind..,

I have definitely felt it... Every little ache and pain can be feared to be the onset of terminal disease etc... Accept the fear as a small part of the ride... Just don't let fears grow bigger than the size they should be and rule you... Enjoy every moment!


Onward we go brave sister!

Ashley

I think your therapist is correct.  This is proof you are happy with who you are for the first time, and now realize what you have is irreplaceable. 

My understanding of transition is throw the traditional developmental timelines out the window.  If you suppressed who you are for nearly a lifetime you may be experiencing emotions others encountered at an early age.  Add to that the years of memories living the other way, a lot to consider. 

Don't let your new fears consume you.  See the upside and keep going strong. 

It is a pretty hard pill to swallow when you finally got this far in life where you are like heck I am happy I don't want to lose this. I love what I have in my life for the first time in my life. I am sitting and thinking how stupid I was for wanting to take my own life because if I know what I know now I would never have attempted it. I would have just moved on and be like well it is going to get better and not do silly things.

Those are very intersting questions you asked, and some of which will keep philosophers, and theologians, and scholars just debating for years if not decades. Many of us believe in an after life, be this through  a reincarnation to a different state of being or to a  change in the physical state of being. Some believe on Heaven or Hell, and even some and everything ends the end of your days on earth.
Fear of dying is healthy, just shows you're alive and want to live and extract everything out of life. Aim for all of the good, be greatfull for those happy moments as they come and cherish them and hold them close to your heart...take 'mental pictures' (I know it sounds silly, but just like picture you take with a camera..and  can remember those moments) Holding on to all of those will keep you strong through the difficulties and heartbreak. And once you've walked through the valleys, do your best to discard their bitter taste so that you again can enjoy the good times
..be here now..live for what's happening now...
As for the after life, I believe it's a matter of choice, you get to decide what to believe.
Everyone needs to come
to that choice.
I believe that when we die, we Wii meet Our Maker, that we will have to answers for our deed,


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Cont. (I'm sorry.it accidentally post my comment before I was done)
...that we will have a chance to meet the people we used to know, but it will be in a different state of being. I believe He will welcome us with open arms, but it is up to us to choose Him.

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Totally shows you are happy now. What a great thing, but it also presents new challenges like this one. Belief, faith etc can help even faith as simple as continuity of the universe. Like the poster above says you choose what to believe.

One thing I think all of those without a belief in an afterlife can take some level of comfort in, is that if they are right, when they are gone, they will not care. There will no longer be a sense of a feeling of loss.

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I also chose to believe in the after life but when I hanged myself and was out did not see a white light but my life did flash before my eyes. My boyfriend say it is because I was not dead only unconscious.If I was dead I would have seen a white light.

No one knows if you'd see a white light when you die...no one can know, because if you did know...well...you'd be dead, not almost dead.

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Let me get this right.... Before you had a life and a future you didn't give a rat's ass about and, dare I say, hoped to die; and now you now have a life worth living and you are now afraid of dying.

Is there a question here?

Pretty standard response to fear of loss what we had worked for and wanted out of life.

When I got the career I dreamed of and built the house I always wanted, I was terrified of dying and losing it all before I had long enough to enjoy it all. I feared flying like never before. Over time, that fear attenuated.

But now that I can finally be the person I always knew I was inside, the fear is re-emerging. I want to live long enough to enjoy the new born me.

All good, really. Enjoy every day like it was your last.

I changed hrt a couple of weeks ago especially the testosterone blocker. This thing is giving me problems with muscle spasms and not letting me feel very good. It feels some days I am dying and I guess this is where the fear started. I spoke to my endo last night that we can put me back on my old type of blocker because the only problem I had on there was lactating. I can live with that much better than spasms and back pain I can't live with. So hopefully would get my new script today.

Quote from: Amoré on July 04, 2017, 02:17:20 AM
I changed hrt a couple of weeks ago especially the testosterone blocker. This thing is giving me problems with muscle spasms and not letting me feel very good.

If you're on spiro it could be due to salt, and easily fixed.

Quote from: AnonyMs on July 04, 2017, 02:21:41 AM
If you're on spiro it could be due to salt, and easily fixed.

I will keep that in mind but don't want to take chances. I was fine on cyprotorone acetate. Spiro is not working for me. We changed it in the first place to stop water retention and lactating. I am having my op in Jan so I would not need blockers after that.

When it comes to T-blocking it is hard to beat cyprotorone. I found that after a few months a little bit went a long way to keep the T down. Spiro does not come close IMO. And then there are the spasms, especially if you don't stay super hydrated

Quote from: JoanneB on July 03, 2017, 06:48:04 PM
Let me get this right.... Before you had a life and a future you didn't give a rat's ass about and, dare I say, hoped to die; and now you now have a life worth living and you are now afraid of dying.

Is there a question here?

Exactly.

This is why depressive states can often be 'addictive'. Despair feels safer than hope.

Quote from: JoanneB on July 03, 2017, 06:48:04 PM
Let me get this right.... Before you had a life and a future you didn't give a rat's ass about and, dare I say, hoped to die; and now you now have a life worth living and you are now afraid of dying.

Is there a question here?

Question is how do I deal with a fear like this. Because it can drive you crazy

 My rationale to your fear that nothing exists when you die has always been that if that's so, you'll never know. Don't squander the world you know for things of an unknown quantity. You are here and now and if this is all there is, make it count.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." Mark Twain

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