Its been a peaceful few days in my head. No dysphoria whatsoever. I had a lot of other pressing things on my mind so thats helped a lot and Ive been very gender neutral. i.e. no thoughts about gender whatsoever.

So I have been sitting here and in runs dysphoria in a bright yellow dress, giggling and running around screaning "hi! did you miss me?"

The thing is, I did.

That's weird. I had the same experience early on too.

Maybe it is that one's mind at some point finally accepts the reality of being a girl and decides to take on the dysphoria for real and is ready to transition to female.

Quote from: MissKairi on July 03, 2017, 01:50:45 PM
So I have been sitting here and in runs dysphoria in a bright yellow dress, giggling and running around screaning "hi! did you miss me?"

The thing is, I did.

Hahaha I love this description. Think I can relate, except in my case in walks dysphoria in a nicely tailored suit looking all fine and dandy and laughing at my face. I guess I hadn't given enough attention to that insistent bastard in the past several weeks or so.

Not that dysphoria in itself would be something to miss, but it forces me to do stuff and engage in activities that make me happy. It's the worst thing I have but also the greatest source of joy, in a sense.

Quote from: MissKairi on July 03, 2017, 01:50:45 PM
Its been a peaceful few days in my head. No dysphoria whatsoever. I had a lot of other pressing things on my mind so thats helped a lot and Ive been very gender neutral. i.e. no thoughts about gender whatsoever.

So I have been sitting here and in runs dysphoria in a bright yellow dress, giggling and running around screaning "hi! did you miss me?"

The thing is, I did.

Nice description, haha!

I hadn't been thinking too much about gender for an hour or so, but then I got "ma'am"ed a couple times... the first time, I actually didn't even register it right away. Like I only realized it had happened after I'd been "ma'am"ed a second time in the same conversation. That's how I've always felt about female references or pronouns being used toward me... it takes me a second to even realize they're talking about me because I've just never connected to those terms and they've always felt... odd in a weird way I couldn't quite describe.

I didn't correct that person; I haven't even asked many people to use male pronouns yet. But I'm realizing my dysphoria takes two forms: the anxious, itchy, painful, must-do-something-about-this-NOW dysphoria, which I find easiest to recognize, the one that drove me to buy men's clothes and a binder and to come out to people; and the heavy, crushing, defeated, depressed dysphoria. That's the kind of dysphoria that makes me think, "You should just give up. No one will ever see you as male. There's no point." I didn't recognize it for what it was until today.

I used to experience a lot more of the second one than I do now--it would squash the first kind within an hour of its beginning. That kind of dysphoria doesn't lead to action, which must be why I never took steps toward transition before. I'm just now understanding it. I used to go weeks or even months without experiencing dysphoria. Now I don't go more than a few hours without it. Things have definitely changed.

I'm on a constant yo-yo between the two at the moment. After finally realizing and accepting that I am trans and I have this dysphoria, I'm always thinking about transitioning and what it's like and how much happier I'll be. But then if I go out with the wife or family, I get really depressed or even mad/upset. It happened tonight when we went to a concert and I was stuck feeling the dysphoria. And to me, it really does feel like I actually feel it when it gets this bad.

oh my goodnight! Since miss dysphoria has shown her pretty face she refuses to leave.

She's sitting opposite me, looking pretty and smiling sweetly.
Shes not shouting anymore, I just cant take my eyes off her, she's me. The real me.

I look in a mirror and see my man face and hold back tears, she puts her arms around me and says that its okay. She understands why I am holding her back...which makes the tears worse.

Kairi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm going through the same stuff. Hang in there girl!

for myself the dysphoria is withme everymorning  like clockwork. I blame good old testerone for it. usually by the end of the day it is somewhat less. for the most part the noise is there constantly only when I am quite tired will it subside. on occasion it will stop for a day but as others have said it keeps getting worse as time goes on. being transgender is not easy.   

Quote from: MissKairi on July 03, 2017, 01:50:45 PM
Its been a peaceful few days in my head. No dysphoria whatsoever. I had a lot of other pressing things on my mind so thats helped a lot and Ive been very gender neutral. i.e. no thoughts about gender whatsoever.

So I have been sitting here and in runs dysphoria in a bright yellow dress, giggling and running around screaning "hi! did you miss me?"

The thing is, I did.

The only reason I miss dysphoria when I get those reprieves is that it's usually in those spaces that I start to doubt my transition. When I'm feeling dyphoric, it's easy to feel like I'm on the right path and that this has to happen soon. However, when the Hormones do their thing and the dysphoria fades away, I start thinking about whether I could just stop all of this and make life easier for everyone.  Those are the moments when I have to really take time to remember what life was like before I came out.   The daily struggle of living in secret, hiding everything for fear of being shamed or worse, the suicidal thoughts that would run rampant through my head.  So yes, at those times I do miss the dysphoria simply because it would keep me from having those doubts.

I have to admit, I've wondered on a few occasions if this is a contributing cause to post-transition depression. Do we maybe get so used to living with the feelings of dysphoria that when they're gone we struggle to find a new comfort level?  It seems almost counter-intuitive but when you look at the dynamics of long-term conditioning, it actually makes some sense.  Dysphoria becomes a part of our personal identity and when it's gone, it's like we lost a piece of ourselves.  I might have to ask my therapist about this one

Alyssa, that's an interesting thought. I had those thoughts the other day at the concert with my family. The "why are you wasting your time with this? Just make it easier on you and everybody else and stay the way you are" thoughts. Kinda scared the crap out of me when it was happening.

Quote from: AlyssaJ on July 05, 2017, 11:13:20 AM
The only reason I miss dysphoria when I get those reprieves is that it's usually in those spaces that I start to doubt my transition. When I'm feeling dyphoric, it's easy to feel like I'm on the right path and that this has to happen soon. However, when the Hormones do their thing and the dysphoria fades away, I start thinking about whether I could just stop all of this and make life easier for everyone.  Those are the moments when I have to really take time to remember what life was like before I came out.   The daily struggle of living in secret, hiding everything for fear of being shamed or worse, the suicidal thoughts that would run rampant through my head.  So yes, at those times I do miss the dysphoria simply because it would keep me from having those doubts.

I have to admit, I've wondered on a few occasions if this is a contributing cause to post-transition depression. Do we maybe get so used to living with the feelings of dysphoria that when they're gone we struggle to find a new comfort level?  It seems almost counter-intuitive but when you look at the dynamics of long-term conditioning, it actually makes some sense.  Dysphoria becomes a part of our personal identity and when it's gone, it's like we lost a piece of ourselves.  I might have to ask my therapist about this one

Absolutely bang on girl!

That makes perfect sense!
Dysphoria becomes a part of you or rather IS a part of you, when that part isn't there suddenly the good ol' brain thinks "hey where's the dysphoria...what's wrong? What's changed?"
Then when it comes back "Oh thank goodness! I thought things were going wrong or something"

Kinda like hiccups in a way (for me...yes I am odd).
Having hiccups is not a nice feeling, its nagging and constantly there and all you can think about is your next hiccup. Once they finally stop, I think...um come back!