Hi Erika_Courtney,

I just read through the posts you've made on this thread, and I can't describe how it makes me feel.  Perhaps, although I am in such a different situation, it could be empathy. 

I love so much how brazen you are in your posts, taking the thoughts and feelings and pouring them out here.  This is one of the most genuine experiences, trans or not, that I've ever seen.  At the start of my transition, I was out as a gay guy, short and small, with little body hair, and single.  People tell me I'm "brave" (which I have issues with on its own), but you blow my endeavor out of the water.  This isn't putting myself down but, rather, letting you know the even if you don't see it, you are a beautiful and wonderful person.  Please, do not ever forget that, even in your darkest moments, you are seeking your light, regardless of where it takes you.

As to trying to start in small ways to explore slowly, have you thought about hair removal outside of shaving?  I don't know your financial situation, but I am in the midst of getting rid of facial hair, which started with a package of six IPL (a form of laser hair reduction) sessions for $500, and that covered my entire face and neck.  It didn't get rid of the hair, but it became sparser, grew at a slower rate after I shaved, and my skin looked and felt amazing (the IPL is the same as a Photofacial, which is pretty hot in the skin care sector right now).  You could even start with your chest or underarms, just to experience the start of the process, how the area feels compared to hairier spots.  And it wouldn't need to involve hiding or feeling shameful, because if your wife is already okay with shaving hair off, you could say that it would lessen the need for it, the amount of hair, cost of razors, etc.  And she could know that the hair won't be gone, so it's wouldn't be as though you'd come home bare in a random spot.

I also know about the dichotomy of gender within my head.  Before starting hormones, I analyzed it CONSTANTLY.  I would look at one thing and think "yeah, I'm a girl" and then minutes later would be like "wait, no, maybe not."  I went back and forth for months.  I had a doc appt in April, where I was planning on starting only on Spironolactone, just to bring testosterone levels down without adding any estrogen.  I walked out of there with both, and haven't looked back.  I have occasional doubts, largely because I do have habit of finding something I like and diving into it.  But this is different, and the Estrogen has been changing my head so much.  I can remove myself from my anxiety, whereas I used to feel helpless and get swept up in it for hours on end.  I finally am learning to love myself for the first time ever, whereas I'd always had some qualifier of a bad thing about myself when receiving compliments.  It made me undatable, I lost friends, and estranged myself from family for a while.  Things are finally getting better by the day. 

But I don't want to detract from the reason I'm posting this reply.  You are here, and that is a much bigger step than you might realize.  You haven't deleted your account, you haven't completely shut off from it.  Taking breaks and feeling emotionless for periods of time is not at all negative, so long as you don't let it cut you off from the other side of you completely.  In keeping this open, and in writing such authentic posts about where you are at on a given day, you are acknowledging this part of you that was neglected for so long.  It's awkward, and stiff, and throws all of your usual thoughts and feelings out of whack.  That just might mean it's what you need.

Much love,
Aria

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
why is it you don't ever want your wife and child to see that real part of you?

I have dated a bunch of girls and if you want to get technical about how I lived my life prior to understanding this whole gender indent thing, I probably identified more female then male during that time period. I don't remember ever having a burning desire to be their man. Then a met this girl that flipped my world upside down, I wanted to be her man and now I am her husband. When she looks at me I want to see the same man she fell in love. I want my child to grow up having a father, someone that they know is their protector.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
No you do not have to put yours over theirs...but why should theirs be over yours? Is it really free will...it you are prescribed a medication to cure your infection you can take or not take the medicine, Most would not see it as a choice or free will because dying is not seen as good outcome for an infection.

There is a big difference between treating and infection and going back to your old self, then completing changing your hormone levels and changing your physical appearance.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
When the physical changes happen you are going to stop? What if you can't? 

I have to stop. I figured I would write a letter from my current self to my future self. Reminding me that if I continue my wife will leave me and take my child and I will lose the two loves of my life. Also my professional career will be over since I work in a very unsupportive work place, it has a really nice retirement package. I only currently the only guy at my job, which makes going to the bathroom really easy. My co-workers think transgender women are just men in dresses going to the ladies room to assault them. My boss, she thinks that transgender people convert normal people into other transgender people.

If I cannot stop then I have plan. I will create a fake mistress and get caught texting and sharing photo was her. My wife will be upset, I will come clean and say I love this woman and want to be with her. My wofe divorces me and takes out kid. I live in a small red state town, so news travels like wild fire. My parents find out what I did and disown me. I know leave town and move far away to be with my fake mistress only to really become Erika.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
Have you ever worn a skirt and heels? or a dress or something really femme apart from in caricature mode? 

When I was alone in the house I tried on a woman's top, jeans, bra, female panties and make up. I purchase a wig and breast forms, but have had zero motivation to wear them. I learned a had a lot more body hair then I ever saw wearing my men's clothes. My lips looked like the Joker from the Batman animated series and my eye shadow looked like I lost a fight. I was trying to be serious with my makeup, it just turned out really bad I haven't tried again since.

Quote from: ElizabethK on June 26, 2017, 04:58:14 AM
Did I mention how the E may slowly change the way you think and feel? It will change you and from what you have said, probably in ways you really want. 

I know that if I had a time machine, I would travel back 15 years, I would find my past self and hand them an information book on transgender. When I got back to the future I know would be a full transitioned transgender woman. I just don't know if that would make me as happy as my child's smile. They say you can't make a transition choice based on how you felt in the past, because the present offer us a different view and I have to agree. My ship may have sailed.

Quote from: elkie-t on June 26, 2017, 07:09:23 AM
You cannot take it back (and even if you could - would you?, those thoughts that had forced you to tell your wife, they wouldn't go away).

I would take it back so I could better understand it for myself first then present it to her. During our talks post coming out I remember talking about how I thought I was gender indifference, which I had to idea what that meant at the time, that was just the way I felt. Now I could have come out as non binary.

As far as dressing female, I have no motivation other then that one time, maybe this will change. My wife has never seen me in female clothes and I sure if she did it would not end well for me.

As far as being female around the house, my wife did say anytime I want to wash the dishes, do laundry or vacuum, I am more then welcomed to be female.  I will take staying male and doing the male chores. Although chores aren't divided based on gender.

As far as female panties go, I tired them once and NEVER again. I am sticking to with my Wal-Mart male boxers.

Quote from: ds1987 on June 26, 2017, 08:52:01 AM
I love so much how brazen you are in your posts, taking the thoughts and feelings and pouring them out here.  This is one of the most genuine experiences, trans or not, that I've ever seen.

I would really like to be the not.

Quote from: ds1987 on June 26, 2017, 08:52:01 AM
As to trying to start in small ways to explore slowly, have you thought about hair removal outside of shaving?

I say I want to try and do more girly thinks, but I never have the motivation. As much as shaving my face everyday bothers me, at the same time I like having the hair to shave. It reminds me that I am still a guy. My wife has even suggested that I get laser done.

Honest I struggle doing anything that could be seen as girly. My guy side is really stubborn. Today it is laser the face, then the back, when does it stop? When I wake up looking like a woman one morning? There was a point I didn't care if I woke up a male or female. I thought I would still be the same person, but I am staring to realize I won't be he same person.

If you decided to make a drinking game out of how many times I have mentioned I have no motivation to cross dress, you probably would be past out drunk before you finished reading the posts.

This has been on my mind all morning. I was getting dresses in the closet that I share with my wife and I was pulling out a shirt, after I got it off the hanger I realized it was my wife's shirt. No big deal it got mixed in with my shirts, but I just didn't want to put it down. It is hard for me to say this, but I wanted to put it on. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and I said I can't deal with this now and put the shirt down.

I keep saying I have no motivation to cross dress, but maybe the truth is I am just suppressing the desire. It is like the carrot and the stick, the carrot is my guy reward for guy behavior, the stick is going to bed without my reward. I am chasing the carrot because I want to the carrot, but if there was no carrot I would be more open about how I feel and be more willing to fulfill my personal desires.

Your morning post seemed a bit of a denial Would you had no desire to cross the gender lines - why bother posting here about lack of those



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What has been going on in my head stems partly from your post the other day. I thought I understood it, but the more I think about it, I think I missed a big piont. I'm living on the fence, between guy and girl, I need to pick a side. All signs point to me being happier on the girls team. I have been focusing on my lack of motivation to retaining my guy team membership.

I was calling myself out for trying to use lack motivation and treating it the same as lack of desire.

If I am being honest with myself, yes I wanted to put it on. I am not proud about having this desire to cross dress. I am just afraid of what happens next.

It all comes down to that, I am affraid of what happens next.
That includes hair removal, makeup and clothes.

If it goes to far I am going to wake up looking like a woman someday. Somebody is going to walk by me and say hi mama.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on June 27, 2017, 01:20:28 PM
What has been going on in my head stems partly from your post the other day. I thought I understood it, but the more I think about it, I think I missed a big piont. I'm living on the fence, between guy and girl, I need to pick a side. All signs point to me being happier on the girls team. I have been focusing on my lack of motivation to retaining my guy team membership.

You don't have to pick a team right away. You can cross the lines forever and ever, especially if you do it discreetly inside your home, or far enough from it

I spent the last three days purging my web search history and bookmarks, hoping to get away for awhile. Do I need to tell you how successful I have been? I am being held accountable for my thoughts and feeling and well that is starting to get into the way of the lies I keep telling myself. You know who you are so please stop.

I should have a new therapist really soon , I just need to end the game of phone tag.

Honestly, I am tried of looking back 20 even 30 years and trying to figure out what was I thinking. Why was I always attracted to girls? Simple they looked cute when I was younger and got hotter as I got older. Why have I never felt the need to be accepted by guys? Zero interesting in dating them so why waste my time. I tell myself to focus on present day.  Honestly the idea of being transgender a couple of months ago scared me, I could not imagine a worse label being put on me. Now it seems like everyday I feel less afraid and more ready to embrace being transgender. I also have started to see through the lies that I have been telling myself. I know why I drew a line in the sand, if I cross this line I don't think I will ever be able to come back. I have wanted to dress female for weeks, I tell myself the lie, if I don't dress female, then I am not as transgender as other people and this all just a mental thing. When the day comes, I can go to my wife and tell her this. I know some people bring there wives along slowly. For me I see it more like, I tell her I am going to start to transition to a female mentally. I know there will be physical changes, they are not so much what I am after. At this point I still think of myself as a male and probably also will. I just can't make any promises because I don't know how estrogen will change me mentally in the long term. You are welcome to leave now or any point in the future. I would love to still be your husband, but I understand and respect your choice to leave.

Here are the FACTS that keep me from going down the estrogen road.
I could have double D breast, a brand new 2018 model year vagina, but take away one pill and I would be right back to being a male. My head just needs to understand, that it needs to get with the program, because it is living in a male body. I am a long way for accepting myself as female.

I thought I was scared about taking estrogen, this idea is even crazier, I have been considering testosterone replacement, which could turn into a nightmare, serious it will probably turn me into the hulk. Once I pass a physical, I am going for it. I know that is crazy talk, its probably going to send my disphobia into hyper drive. Here is were the logic comes in, it may be the easiest way to test my disphobia. It could take months for estrogen, to build up in my system and get to the point where it has some impact. Testosterone, it is already in the tank, I am just going to add more to increase the engine power. There is a chance that some extra T, will increases my energy and will pick up my mood. Of course it might turn me into a muscle monster that will destroy high rise building, I'm thinking Wolfman from the arcade game Rampage. So if you see a wolf like monster in your city, climbing buildings, wave.

Most important, the number one thing in my world is my family. My wife wants me try to testosterone and I am curios as to what would happen if I was running on full. I owe it to myself before I make any life altering changes, to know that I did everything I could stay a man.

Good luck I hope you get a positive result. I went onto injectable T for 3 shots as a last ditch attempt to cure myself as my T was running fairly low. For me it didn't work and was an extremely unpleasant time for not just me but my whole family as I went past "macho" and on to, toxic.

I hope you have a better experience

I spent an hour writing my last post, then during a final reading before posting, I deleted three quarters of it. To sum of what was deleted, words may not be able to show the reader the anger I am feeling toward myself. I just can't seem to walk away anymore, it was that time that allowed me to keep a distance between this online life and real life. I am scared of how the line between the posters here and I have disappeared.


The truth is I am a broken man, despite all my man short coming, I have a wonderful wife that still loves me. After six months of being unable to get her pregnant, because a certain man part of me refuses to work right, she still loves me. She is willing to endure what ever effects testosterone has on me, including possible increased temper/anger, because she believes that it will make me happy me. Even thought we have not touched in bed for weeks, last night she held me in her arms, and I felt so comfortable and for the first time in my life I fell asleep in her arms. Tonight she asked me on a date for his and hers laser hair removal. Her recent support, should make me feel better, but she is supporting me the man, and it makes what might happen in the end hurt even more.

The reason I did this. I have a new therapist and see them for the first time on Tuesday. Ever since I came out, I have wondered what it would feel like presenting female, with two thoughts, it I like it then that answered the question as yes, if I don't like it then probably closer to guy. There are a lot of things I want to work on in therapy and would rather gender identity not come up for awhile if at all.


Let me set the scene, it was Monday and I had a night to myself. I wanted to play my favorite game, Pokémon Go. The best place to play Pokémon Go in the area is very popular with homosexual men. I had an idea, go out as Erika, I won't get hit on. I will admitted getting dressed was exciting, the thrill of doing something that you know is wrong and getting caught would get you in serious trouble. Looking in the mirror, I think I looked decent. The excitement stopped after that. The wig I wore was about down to my shoulders, but it covered my neck and made my neck hot. I could not even drink a soda without hair falling into my face. When the wind blew my hair went everywhere and that was just annoying. After a few hours the bra stared hurting. One positive was that I did not get hit on the entire evening, honestly I felt invisible. I also caught some really good Pokémon. I don't know what it was suppose to feel, but I thought it would feel different. I don't have any plans to go out again dressed as Erika.


I woke up the next day and after having being stuck in female mode with no end in site, and I was back in guy mode. I have also become allergic to shirts. I have never been the type of guy to go shirtless, but for some reason, I just can't get comfortable with a shirt on.

Maybe your wig wasn't good? I actually don't like in general and prefer to wear a headscarf (and if someone would think I'm Muslim or religious Jewish, I don't care). But I happened to buy one wig that was comfortable enough for long stretches of time (and it was not expensive one). I think hairstyle, length as well as hair cup design makes a lot of difference.

Some bras are less comfortable than others too.

In general, all of us want to start somewhere and think beauty in mind, but after a few outings we switch the goal to comfort.

Why do I write you this? Well, if you are cured from your gender identity thoughts forever - you won't care about my advice, and I wish you well


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I hate to admit it, but I have for a long time felt I would have had a better life if I were born a girl. I am 90% sure I would feel better about my life right now if I transitioned to a woman. I would miss a bunch of things about being a guy. I like making kids the old fashsion way. Before I can destroy my marriage and my family, I need to be 100% sure. That 100% mark I know is unobtainable, and as long as I can find any reason to stay a guy, I am not willing to make the next step. Maybe some day my wife will divorce me and I can live as Erika. Until that day I cherish the honor to be her husband. She is the only woman, I have ever met that made me want to be a man, now that I have a reason to be a man, I just don't want to give that up.

It's been so interesting following your story as you've packed such a lot in to a short space of time!  I'm glad you've stepped out into the world but it's a shame that this has perhaps left you more confused than ever.

I think it's important to draw a distinction between having gender dysphoria and being transgender.  Whilst it's difficult to envisage being TG without suffering from GD, the other way round is entirely possible.  Put another way, wishing with every fibre in your body that you'd been born female is not the same thing as wanting to take social and/or surgical steps to become female.  For many in this community, one leads to the other but for a proportion, myself included, it does not. 

In the past, I have crossdressed.  Even now, over three years after I quit, I can still vividly remember the sensation of putting on a pair of tights, stepping into a dress and the struggle of doing up the zip at the back, putting on a wig, stepping into a pair of heels and admiring my reflection in the mirror.  At that moment, I would have a total feeling of calm and that that was how I was meant to be.  However after a while - maybe 30 mins, maybe two hours - I was ready to change back and rejoin maledom, at least until the next time the urge to dress came along.  From reading your account, it seems that you may have experienced similar feelings.

The problem with GD is that, just when you think you've got it under control, something triggers it - a woman in the street, a successful transitioner in this community, a row with the wife to name but a few.  Yes, I envy the woman who is the embodiment of what I was trying to be in crossdressing but the likes of her are a very small population within the female gender and, more often than not, women that I see evoke an internal reaction of 'if that's what being female is, no thanks!'.

I've often wondered whether things would be different if I didn't have a wife and kids.  In all honesty, I don't really think it would.  Sure, I would probably have a stash of clothes, shoes, wigs & makeup and indulge from time to time but would I really want to transition?  In all honesty, I don't think so as, like you, I would miss a bunch of things about being a guy and I also whether the GD would switch from MtF to FtM!

So I will continue to struggle with GD and cherish what I have.  It's not always going to be easy but others are having to deal with far worse so I'm sure I'll cope.

I started this reply with the intention of giving advice but all I seem to have done is bang on about my own situation as I did earlier in the thread.  However, I hope it's of some assistance to you as you try to navigate your own path through the fog!

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
It's been so interesting following your story as you've packed such a lot in to a short space of time!  I'm glad you've stepped out into the world but it's a shame that this has perhaps left you more confused than ever.

I would consider this my version of taking my time and going slow. I am normally a jump first, then realize I jumped into the really deep end of the pool and I have no clue how to undue this mess. I kind of joke to myself sometimes, does my guy side realize what he is pushing for? Then I tell myself when a guy does think, even if it dawns on them later there pride won't let them stop. Since I have tried to slow things down at the start, right now I am ready to start accomplishing things. Now that therapy is back up and running it is time to get an appointment with my primary care. 

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
I think it's important to draw a distinction between having gender dysphoria and being transgender.  Whilst it's difficult to envisage being TG without suffering from GD, the other way round is entirely possible.  Put another way, wishing with every fibre in your body that you'd been born female is not the same thing as wanting to take social and/or surgical steps to become female.  For many in this community, one leads to the other but for a proportion, myself included, it does not. 

Karenk1959 in their post makes the point that this site is populated by the pro transitioning crowd. When I thought I was just a confused cis male, I thought hey if I can walk away I am normal. Weeks later I am still here so something is not common normal with me. If you are hanging around here and other transgender sites, you are probably closer to transgender then cis. I definitely feel more in the middle. If I woke up with breast and vagina tomorrow, I would be pretty shocked and would probably wish I was male again.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 07, 2017, 11:52:48 AM
In the past, I have crossdressed.  Even now, over three years after I quit, I can still vividly remember the sensation of putting on a pair of tights, stepping into a dress and the struggle of doing up the zip at the back, putting on a wig, stepping into a pair of heels and admiring my reflection in the mirror.  At that moment, I would have a total feeling of calm and that that was how I was meant to be.  However after a while - maybe 30 mins, maybe two hours - I was ready to change back and rejoin maledom, at least until the next time the urge to dress came along.  From reading your account, it seems that you may have experienced similar feelings.

I wore a female cut pink long sleeve shirt, a pair of women's jeans with sewed on sparkles and fancy stitching, male boxers and women's sneakers.



I found you post really informative, sometimes we give the best advice without even thinking we are giving advice.

Quote from: Erika_Courtney on July 07, 2017, 09:04:06 PM
If you are hanging around here and other transgender sites, you are probably closer to transgender then cis. I definitely feel more in the middle.

This is where I think it's important to draw a distinction between GD & TG.  I am gender dysphoric; I look at some women and feel envy, wish I was them and feel cheated that I'm not them.  As I said in my last post, when fully dressed as a female, I felt a sense of calm as if that was how things should always have been.  From time to time, the dysphoria is so bad that I do wonder about transition but that is a very transitory feeling and it soon wears off.  But not a day goes by when I don't feel some discomfort at some point.

But these feelings are a long way from the cliched 'woman trapped in a man's body'.  Medical advances with HRT, SRS, VFS, FFS now mean that it's possible to fully transition and blend into society; there are some stunning ladies who post on these forums that testify to this.  Even better, thanks to increasing tolerance, it's possible to socially transition without going through any medical procedures and, whilst tolerance is not by any means universal yet, things are getting better.  Against this background, it's completely possible for someone to transition to whatever extent they wish if they want to.  In my case, my overriding aim is to make a success of being a male rather than cross to the other side, so to speak.  So, on this basis, I would say that, in the same way I'm sure that I'm gender dysphoric, I'm sure that I'm not TG.

However, there is a conundrum.  As many in these forums will testify, there is a cure for GD - HRT.  There are any number of threads discussing this with posters saying how much calmer they felt once they had started hormone treatment.  So a low dosage of oestrogen (i.e. not a transition dose) may resolve dysphoric feelings without significant physical side effects...but, of course, the question is would it then start to weaken the emotional resistance we have to transition and leave us wanting more?  Would, even a small amount of breast growth repulse us or give a frisson of excitement?!  Then, of course, we have to face the reality that the scales are starting to tip away from the equilibrium position (just about coping with GD and family intact) so what do we do - accept the reality and the probable loss of those we hold dearest or turn round and walk back to good old dysphoria?

The answer, of course, is there is no answer!  The consolation is that others are having to deal with far worse lose-lose situations in life so, from my point of view it's a case of try to 'keep calm and carry on'.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on July 08, 2017, 05:39:24 AM
However, there is a conundrum.  As many in these forums will testify, there is a cure for GD - HRT.  There are any number of threads discussing this with posters saying how much calmer they felt once they had started hormone treatment.  So a low dosage of oestrogen (i.e. not a transition dose) may resolve dysphoric feelings without significant physical side effects...but, of course, the question is would it then start to weaken the emotional resistance we have to transition and leave us wanting more?  Would, even a small amount of breast growth repulse us or give a frisson of excitement?!  Then, of course, we have to face the reality that the scales are starting to tip away from the equilibrium position (just about coping with GD and family intact) so what do we do - accept the reality and the probable loss of those we hold dearest or turn round and walk back to good old dysphoria?

I am not on any outside hormones, but I feel differently mentally for hanging out in this board. I could never see myself ever doing anything that was girly like painting my nails or wearing female clothes. I a lot more comfortable with doing those types of things surround by transgender woman. Of course none outside the board knows I am doing these things. I am guessing that hormones do not cause you start to wear female clothes. Right now we are both writing thoughts that are coming from a brain that is running on T. Switching to E in our bodies will also switch our brain to running on E. I think you would be fool to think this would not change the way you see the world and see yourself. Seeing a female body in the mirror would make you feel more like you could be a female. You might then start wanting to present more female in real life. Looking I the mirror and seeing two large breast sticking out of your chest is not going to scream guy to you. I think the hrt makes you more comfortable with who you are mentally and the physical changes the way you want to present to the world. I was reading in then on binary section how someone who started T only to move more to the middle, is starting to think they want to be more on the male side, this is me paraphrasing. In the end will all free will.

I am basically I down to three roads going forward. Road 1 is to continue on with life as it has been with counseling and zero other changes in the future. Road 2 try testosterone replacement therapy, I have had a lot of serious guy fails over the years and maybe if was related to hormone issues. Road 3 try estrogen in a low dosage and claim until the day I die, I am still a male.

I am on pace to start walking down road 1, I have therapy lined up, I get a fresh start this week and it is going to be this is my life I have anxiety and here is what brothers me, I don't plan on dropping any big announcements.

I am stalling instead of moving towards Road 2. I have done a lot of research online about testosterone replacement therapy. A lot of the things I have read sounds like me. I have not contacted a doctor to setup a physical and then comes the convincing them that I need to be tested to see if my levels are even low. I don't like going to doctors offices. I worry about how more testosterone will effect me, it could be for the better or it could be for the worse. As comfortable as I am being a guy, I do have some discomfort with being guy, but not in a bad way. It would increase the things I like, but it may always increase the thing I don't like. I think the risk are worth the possible rewards. I have set the goal to start calling around for doctors on Monday.

Road 3 came to the front of my mind today. I don't mean this in a bad way, it is an observation and there is nothing wrong with any LGBTQI person or persons. I was reading the post from new user Nancy and one of the responses was something like your wife needs to get use to being a lesbian. Over the course of the weekend I have seen at least 100 couples, I can remember two couples that stick out from the rest because they were both lesbian couples, I can tell you their race, their body type, short or tall, I noticed them and then looked away, no starring. For the other 98 couples, I can't tell you anything about a single one. Why am I talking about this in reference to Road 3. We all know the long term effects of estrogen on the body, the human body is stupid, with the exception of the brain, it does not know if it is male or female, it just reacts to hormones. So if you start talking estrogen, your body is going to say hey we need to look female. For all I know any one of those 4 people where males on estrogen who still thought of themselves as males. My eyes clearly saw four female bodies. I can tell myself I am still a guy, but the world, they are going to see things differently. I am going to be seen as a woman and a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but before today I never saw myself becoming a lesbian. I have struggled to wrap my head around these feeling that I have been having these past months about being transgender. The writing on the wall is now the bright flashing neon sign. I wasn't going to just go quietly down this road, I'm was already going to try and hold onto my manhood until it was ripped from my cold dead hands. Now facing the prospect that I also have to come to terms and be comfortable with being a lesbian, and I would be asking my wife to do the same. I cannot say this enough, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, I have met a bunch and they are some of the nicest people I have met. I really need to do a lot more thinking on this. Sign says: Road Closed until further notice.

Having never been to therapy, I was not sure what to expect the first time, I met with a therapist. I went with my wife and she did most of the talking. Today was my first meeting with my new therapist and I went alone. The next 60 minutes was night and day from my first therapy experience. From the start this time around I have a clearer picture of issues I want to discuss and not just identity issues, but more I have anxiety that started here because of this. The time frame of 60 minutes is not a lot of time to cover over 30 years of life, but I was surprised how much we got to discuss. To this up coming information into context, in school because I was not as masculine as the other boys I was often teased about being gay. What surprised me the most was when the therapist mentioned, if seems that you were never socialized into the male world, I replied that so describes my life perfectly. I just never really male bonded with any guys, which in some ways I was always fine with, because I was not gay. My therapist did ask if I ever thought I was anything but heterosexual, I was like, I think I was heterosexual at 6 years old, I can remember at 12 wanting to date older girls. I never mentioned anything about feeling on the outside of the male world. I was really impressed with this comment. I also liked that before I left they set out plan for the next meeting. I don't want this to be the only thing we can talk about, if something big comes up, but it is nice to have structure.