Hi everyyone--
I am a 54 yo mtf who recently came out to my therapist and psychiatrist. They were both quite supportive, espicially since I live in MS. Old habits down here are hard to break, and many people in my state view the trans community much like they saw African-American community during the Civil Rights movement. I have to say that African-Americans have made great strides in MS, despite our portrayal by the press, but we still havve a looooong way to . But I digress.
When I came out to my therapist and later my pspsychiatrist. It was a very liberating feeling. But since then it has become quite depressing, because I want to come out to EVERYONE, and I also want to start HRT. The problem is that I feel that I cannot come out to anyone because of my friends' and family's conservative attitudes. I am afraid that I will become estranged from my 3 children and subsequently my grandchildren. I really don't care about my wife, because our relationship is strained to the point of us sleeping in separate bedrooms. I hinted at divorce, but she doesn't reply. I would have already petitioned for divorce, but I recently had brain surgery, rendering me unable to drive.
I have reflected about coming out to my daughter, whose ideals are a bit more progressive. We have discussed trans issues before. While she is against the trans community, she is okay with LGB issues, which she accepts, though disagreeable with the concept (more progressive than other Mississippians). I even have tentatively selected a date to come out to her, July 22, when we are taking a little trip to see my cousin and aunt. But I have set set up times before, and didn't go through with it. I am just afraid that she may out me before I choose to tell others. I have, however, hinted around to her, so I think she may perceive that I'm trans. She's pretty intuitive.
So that is my conundrum. I feel like I'm dying inside. I attempted suicide 3X, and nearly was successful once (I actually died on the table). My being trans was not the only issue I was facing, but it definitely was a contributing factor. While I don't feel that I'm suicidal anymore, I know that it's still an option, though one I rarely entertain . I have to look for a reason every day that I shouldn't commit suicide, whether it be a beautiful sunset, or a field of wildflowers--just anything I know I would not be able to witness if I was dead. But on the rare occasions when I don't find something, I recede into my dark place and ponder reasons to and specific ways I can end my life. I talk to my therapist about this at length and we are working through this with much progress since my attempts.
So that it is my conundrum. When I asked my psychiatrist about HRT, he replied that it was out of his scope of expertise, and that I should perhaps seek a gender therapist. I can understand that. At least the guy was honest. We have a few in the Coastal area, (and even an LGBT suppport group), but both options are unattainable because I'm unable to drive. So I've outlined everything I can't do, but I am asking for you to spin the things outlined in a positive light--in other words adjust the ways I know that I can't do into things I can do. Thank you all for your input. My time clock is getting shorter. I just want to spend the remainder of my days as Whitney Alysse Young.
