Hello All! My name is Keira and I am a 32 year old transgender woman living in South Shore Massachusetts. I recently began browsing the forums here on Susan's Place and have found that it has allowed me to gain a lot of clarity around the internal struggles that I have been going through. Like many here, I have known that something was "different" about me since a very early age. I, like many, would "cross dress" in my mother and sister's clothing for as long as I can remember. However, living in such a small town and have little to no diversity, I had no clue as to what or who I truly was. As a young child, I would always associate with the girls in my class, have many childhood pictures of me dressed up in hats and heels and have always appeared and acted very feminine. Due to this, I was ruthlessly picked on, bullied and made to feel more of an outcast than I already had. I would sit at home and have dreams of being a girl and would often play dress-up or house with my childhood friends, always being the female role in the family.
As I entered High School, the world of the internet pulled my eyes wide open. I began to express myself but identified more as a gay male. I began to date men and finally came out to my parents as a gay male. Though it never felt right, this appeared to be the only "box" that my community allowed me to "fit into." Dating as a gay male never felt accurate and I continued to yearn to be the female in the relationship in any way possible. This caused a great deal of problems for my relationship at the time and it ended pretty traumatically. Unfortunately, I still, at the age of 18, had never heard the word transgender and had no clue as to what it meant. I knew that presenting as a female was of up most importance to me, so I turned to the world of drag to express myself. This filled a void that I felt would never be filled. During this time, I met my husband and have been with him for the past 13 years. I continued to identify as a gay male and used female impersonation as a form of expression.
As the years continued, it became more and more difficult to "de-drag" and enter back into the male world. It caused a great deal of anxiety and depression and made me spin into a downward spiral. Though my husband is my true soul mate, I never felt like I fit. I always felt uncomfortable identifying as a gay male and never felt that I could fully bring my all into my relationship. However, I continued , not really knowing what was "wrong" with me and would often beat myself up for being selfish.
Fast forward to my 30th Birthday. I am not sure what changed or what allowed me to put all the pieces together, but I began to explore the "world" of transgender women. The media was a buzz with this word and the more I read the more "ah-ha" moments I got. The past two years have really opened my mind to the feelings I have had inside my entire life. My husband is extremely supportive following me disclosing this to him; however, we both know that the romantic side of our relationship will have to end. I have my first appointment at Fenway Health next week and felt that it was appropriate to begin participating in the forums here.
I want to thank everyone for their posts in the forums, as they have helped guide me on the different steps, topics and process that us transwomen need to go through. I look forward to gaining more knowledge and hopefully gaining some new friends that truly understand what we go through.
