That's wonderful!! Thank YOU! You're in inspiration for those of us just starting down this difficult road!

Quote from: Sarah_P on July 14, 2017, 05:26:59 PM
That's wonderful!! Thank YOU! You're in inspiration for those of us just starting down this difficult road!

Oh, Sarah... You're a sweetheart (along with having very good taste in the choice of your girl's name... 😉). I'm just retributing a bit of what you girls generously gave me. If my input could help someone, somehow, even just by giving hope, then mission accomplished! The stories of our more experienced sisters gave me much hope, in times of great need...

Keep believing, Sarah. Trust me: if you do, the sky is the limit. 👧

Big warm hug, Sarah

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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 14, 2017, 04:47:05 PM
Update:

So I guess I started my assigned homework with the right foot. Today, for the first time in her life, Sarah left her comfort zone and ventured into the open world in broad daylight! Do you guess what happened to her?... Nothing. Lol That's right... Nobody insulted me. Nobody threw stones at me. Nobody made indelicate comments (at least that I could hear). Nope. To my great surprise, I felt I was one more common woman on this planet, like the dozens I came across along my 3-hour walk in the beautiful city of Antwerp, Belgium. Some people looked at me, but I suspect that it was my colorful headscarf that catched their attention, more than some oddity about my face. I went to an italian restaurant for dinner and the waiter nonchalantly greeted me with a "Goedenavond mevrouw. Taffel voor één?" I timidly smiled, nodded and answered in my most feminine voice "Ja, alstublieft.' I very slowly enjoyed my tagliatelle asparagi e scampi with a nice glass of cool Lambrusco bianco and finished with a velvety espresso. I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"

[...] Sorry... I'm crying big time now... 😢 [...]

Ok, I'm back. So as you've guessed, this will become another landmark in my life. Thank you community. Thank you to all of you who read, who wrote, who smiled, who gave me hope. I love you! 👧

So this is how I went to the big city today. First shot at home and second in Antwerp.

Next challenge: going to the grocery store, which is located inside a shopping mall near home.

Peace and a myriad of gigantic hugs for everyone reading this!

Sarah

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Finding that inner courage to step put the door is so great. You did fantastic, out for dinner...that feeling you got sitting there being you is what most cis people do every day of their lives and take for granted. That is such a huge step forward and that feeling that the world will come tumbling down around you actually does go away. I have found my anxiety about going out the door, is often far, far, more than I ever experience, when I am actually out and about being me. Congratulations well done

I love this thread!!  I especially love to read about how your confidence is surging, Sarah.  What a difference from the thread title, eh?

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 14, 2017, 06:18:16 PM
I love this thread!!  I especially love to read about how your confidence is surging, Sarah.  What a difference from the thread title, eh?

Oh my, Kathy! You just made me re-read my first post in the thread and... Wow! What a difference indeed! And the thread title... lol Someone who reads only the last few posts will propably think that the we are not talking about the same person who wrote the title.

I am proud about my growth, but also humble in my rejoicing because I know you wonderful people played a major (really... crucial!) role in the build up of my courage. I'm so thankful...

Big sweet and warm hug, Sarah

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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 14, 2017, 04:47:05 PM
... I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"

Sarah, this is one of the most beautiful things I have read here in a long, long time.  You've done so very well, and I hope you will continue to do well as you pursue your path to peace and joy.

Congratulations.

Hi Sarah, I have read your previous posts but could not comment on then. For starters, I don't know how to fight traumatic experiences from such young age. But your approach to evaluating reasons for shame band challenging it works for you. So, keep going.

Not, I like your recent look and experience. More experiences like those would go a long way to ease your concerns. After all, when you communicate with real people and don't get that long feared 'look', you stop fearing it and start living your life.

One thing I wanted to suggest to you. Smile whenever anyone looks at you. Especially if that person stares at you or looks disapprovingly. If it happens, stare back, raise your chin, smile and then you don't have to stare them down, just look elsewhere. Essentially - you acknowledge the stare and showed it doesn't bother you. If the other person smiles back, then it means you're accepted, but you don't need approval or acceptance of every person, even professional populists aka politicians rarely get more than 70% approval rating.

So, look nice, smile, mind your business and let others not concern you. But smile every time you met eyes.



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Quote from: elkie-t on July 14, 2017, 10:57:58 PM
Hi Sarah, I have read your previous posts but could not comment on then. For starters, I don't know how to fight traumatic experiences from such young age. But your approach to evaluating reasons for shame band challenging it works for you. So, keep going.

Not, I like your recent look and experience. More experiences like those would go a long way to ease your concerns. After all, when you communicate with real people and don't get that long feared 'look', you stop fearing it and start living your life.

One thing I wanted to suggest to you. Smile whenever anyone looks at you. Especially if that person stares at you or looks disapprovingly. If it happens, stare back, raise your chin, smile and then you don't have to stare them down, just look elsewhere. Essentially - you acknowledge the stare and showed it doesn't bother you. If the other person smiles back, then it means you're accepted, but you don't need approval or acceptance of every person, even professional populists aka politicians rarely get more than 70% approval rating.

So, look nice, smile, mind your business and let others not concern you. But smile every time you met eyes.



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Omg, Elkie! I did already found that, a bit by accident! 😀 That's totally true! And it happened a few times, yesterday.

There was a couple in their thirties walking hand in hand. Me, I was just sitting for a few minutes, enjoying the view on the boardwalk along the river Schelde. And when that couple passed in front of me, the man looked at me and I smiled. But instead of smiling back, he just quickly deviated his stare and kept walking (I didn't see him comment anything with his partner, either)... He was the only possible disapproval I encountered and you know what? It didnt't bother me that much. I mean: who cares? I don't need this guy's approval for nothing! So despite that, I just kept smiling, and smiling, and smiling... 😊

All the other moments of "stares" that I was aware of, yesterday, did smile back at my smile and when that happened, I felt that the colors of life suddenly became brighter and merrier! 😊

Besides the "approval" reason, there are other reasons for me to smile: smiling feminizes my face big time... Smiling, by itself, puts me in a better mood... Smiling has been easy for me, the last few days, because that's the natural facial expression of happiness and contentment! And as a plus, smiling boosts your immune system! Wow!

So yes, you pointed out something very important that I found out empirically: smiling is VERY important. It's a boost of self-esteem, an antidote against the inevitable "down" moments you'll feel around the road.

Thanks for taking the time to write your feedback, Elkie!

Hugs, Sarah

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I remember when I went to my therapist for the first time dressed as a woman. I was seeing her for other issues I was having, but my crossdressing came up in our conversations and we talked about it at length during one of our sessions. She never suggested that I come to the office dressed as Bobbi Anne, but a second session I had with her after opening up about it, I went in dressed. I had on full make up, my best wig, a pretty dress, all the proper foundation garments, and 4" heels. My therapist Cate was shocked to see me like that, but I told her that after opening up to her about it, I wanted to show her. We had a great session talking about everything, and I felt that I opened up even more about everything else in my life also. Due to insurance reasons, I only had another five sessions after that, but for three of them, I went in dressed as Bobbi Anne. At my last session, Cate presented me with a bag of clothes that she had gotten from her wife that she thought would fit my style. It was one of the best experiences of my life and very freeing.

Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 09:31:37 AM
I remember when I went to my therapist for the first time dressed as a woman. I was seeing her for other issues I was having, but my crossdressing came up in our conversations and we talked about it at length during one of our sessions. She never suggested that I come to the office dressed as Bobbi Anne, but a second session I had with her after opening up about it, I went in dressed. I had on full make up, my best wig, a pretty dress, all the proper foundation garments, and 4" heels. My therapist Cate was shocked to see me like that, but I told her that after opening up to her about it, I wanted to show her. We had a great session talking about everything, and I felt that I opened up even more about everything else in my life also. Due to insurance reasons, I only had another five sessions after that, but for three of them, I went in dressed as Bobbi Anne. At my last session, Cate presented me with a bag of clothes that she had gotten from her wife that she thought would fit my style. It was one of the best experiences of my life and very freeing.

Hi Bobbi Anne! Thanks for sharing this!

Liberating is a good way summarize it indeed. For me, this first step was the hardest because I was navigating in totally uncharted territory... I was terrified at the idea of something "bad" happening and which would make me panic. I think it's a bit like this for every challenge in life... and then, when it's done, we just think "Phew... Well, that wasn't so hard!... Hummm... That was actually good! I WANT MORE!" 😅 This is what happened to me and now I'm not terrified anymore, but super thrilled at the idea of going to the therapist as Sarah! Can't wait for it! So much that I HAD to dress as Sarah and let her be who she is in broad daylight! And I loved it! So much that I'm already planning my next little experiment in letting Sarah wander in the free world... 😉

Hugs, Sarah

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And after being out for a while, you realize that it's not a challenge at all to dress any way you like Breaking the first barrier is the hardest, because when you leave the privacy of your house, you're making a big decision of how would you deal with potential confrontation, outing, or whatever consequences.

I remember standing in a gay bar parking lot in southern Chicago first time, being 100 miles away from my home and unable to leave my car and go inside. What if someone sees me, takes my photo, it gets into the media and the whole world would find out about me? I had to sit for 5 minutes and decide there and then, to hell with the whole world - I'm not to hide who I am if it finds out about me. I never had any anxiety like that afterwards, even much closer to my home and in the day light... The first step is the hardest, enjoy your freedom now, you deserved it


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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 15, 2017, 09:46:16 AM
Hi Bobbi Anne! Thanks for sharing this!

Liberating is a good way summarize it indeed. For me, this first step was the hardest because I was navigating in totally uncharted territory... I was terrified at the idea of something "bad" happening and which would make me panic. I think it's a bit like this for every challenge in life... and then, when it's done, we just think "Phew... Well, that wasn't so hard!... Hummm... That was actually good! I WANT MORE!" 😅 This is what happened to me and now I'm not terrified anymore, but super thrilled at the idea of going to the therapist as Sarah! Can't wait for it! So much that I HAD to dress as Sarah and let her be who she is in broad daylight! And I loved it! So much that I'm already planning my next little experiment in letting Sarah wander in the free world... 😉

Hugs, Sarah

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Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I  work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

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Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 01:16:36 PM

Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I  work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

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Hi Bobbi Anne. If you want to protect your wardrobe from being the tossed out by wandering spouse, rent a 5x5 or 5x10 storage (best if open 24hrs) and change inside, then go out, then change back. Storage managers wouldn't care... But it would mean you'll have to go out in public.

Quote from: elkie-t on July 15, 2017, 04:13:19 PM
Hi Bobbi Anne. If you want to protect your wardrobe from being the tossed out by wandering spouse, rent a 5x5 or 5x10 storage (best if open 24hrs) and change inside, then go out, then change back. Storage managers wouldn't care... But it would mean you'll have to go out in public.

Elkie, thank you. I honestly haven't thought about doing something like that. It is an awesome idea! I have no problem going out in public, as I try to look as pretty as I possibly can.

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Quote from: Bobbi Anne on July 15, 2017, 01:16:36 PM

Sometimes the hardest things to do is to overcome the mental obstacles we have. Since my therapy sessions ended, I was going out quite a bit as Bobbi Anne, never near my family or hometown though. My wife found out about it and tossed my entire wardrobe out (this was like the or fourth time she had found out that I was still dressed), so now as I  work on rebuilding my relationship with her, I am slowly rebuilding Bobbi Anne's wardrobe too. Her and I have talked openly about my need to crossdress and although she doesn't understand totally, she seems to be more tolerable than before.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

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For some time, my wife did almost the same, with the difference that she'd ask me to get rid of the clothes. That happened quite a few times... at that time, I was still light-years from admitting that I was transgender. I still tried to convince myself that it was just a fetish or transvestism, but at times my behaviour went somewhat over the board in my wife's view (epilating my legs, sporadically taking estrogens...) so she understandably felt threatened. Now it's no longer a problem, but for many years I too had to find hiding places... unfortunately I sucked at hiding things and my wife always managed to "accidentaly" find them... lol

Elkie's suggestion is interesting, in your case.

Hugs, Sarah

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Elkie is smart, there is no place in my house where my wife wouldn't find a stash.... unless she physically cannot get access to the place. She guessed later that I have a hiding place, but still I would neither admit nor deny it and she wouldn't know the address anyway she only had to accept it as a possibility.


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A car trunk (where you have your spare tire) is an ok place for a temporary storage (overnight at most), if your spouse don't drive that car and don't have spare keys... still she could always get your keys out of your pocket and check it out... not good for long term storage, and it's too small to hold the whole wardrobe.


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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on July 07, 2017, 01:23:46 PM
So I recently had my first therapy session and it went really well. Along 2 hours I had the opportunity to tell most of what's been going on with me over the last four decades.

Now, I feel a new and incredible urge to go to the sessions as Sarah, instead of the androgynous male-version of me. I would still ask the therapist if she's okay with that (before you say that I'm entitled to that and don't have to ask permission, let me just say that it's in my nature... I don't like to impose... but that's not what worries me).

What I am terrified at, is going to the session dressed as Sarah (it would be the first time I go out as a woman in broad daylight) and looking simply like a guy in women's clothes. Below is a photo taken today with light make-up. Do you girls think that I'm still very far away from... well... I won't dare to say "passing" but at least not drawing too much attention?

Or do you think that it would be better to wait for some more effects of HRT (started almost 5 months ago) and eventually FFS, which I plan to do sometime along the first months of 2018?

Thanks beforehand for your honest feedback.

Peace & Hugs, Sarah

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Hi Sarah, when I first went to see a therapist as the woman I have always know that I am, I was as terrified as you are.

Soon I discovered that people have their own lives and their own concerns and that they don't pay attention to what others look like.

If you feel insecure you will project that.

So the more in control, you feel the more confidence you will exude.

You look lovely, maybe some bigger and more feminine sun glasses will help you feel better.

Ask for permission if you feel you must, but this is about you and how you feel. What you therapist think or believe is not your concern.

You don't mentioned anything about your HRT dosages but as a sister I would recommend that your pay a lot of attention to your hormonal regime.

Once that you start hitting the mark, the transformations will be magical. When people started calling me madam even when I was dressed as before I was so surprised that I was incredulous... But so happy as well that I was invaded by an air of elation. It was that I felt that I was free at last.

I hope you will succeed and that your life will be touched in the outside with the same strong femininity we all carry inside.

Lots of luck to you dear sister.

Best, Mara


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Sarah,

  I must confess I had not kept up with this thread after your success with the therapy session. But I have gone back and read it again tonight and I have to say what a beautiful change in your attitude. You have gone from a scared young lady full of fear at the thought of venturing out as yourself to a more confident young lady once you discovered that you had nothing to fear but fear itself. You overcame that fear with resolve and did it. Now you won't every want to put  Sarah back in the little dark closet. You are free and out into the light of the world. Rock on Sarah, rock on.

  Hugs,
  Laurie

Hi Sarah, missed any new updates on your going out adventures Even if you aren't fully out on your work and friends, there's should be very little risk to continue going out in a big city, such as Antwerp. Nothing builds up confidence faster than going out regularly for day to day activities or hobbies. How about maybe starting a yoga class or going to ballet lessons as a girl? Stretching your muscles is good, male muscles are too stiff from years of exposure to T. Or learn to dance classes, or some zumba workout? Or even learning some karate (find one that is transfriendly though in advance). In a word, any regular activity, hobby, club where you are accepted as one of the girls , yet not focused on you being a girl, and enjoyable to you would be awesome!

Don't center your life on transition itself, instead build your new social network as a girl outside the LGBT community and make new friends.