I feel like killing myself. Because I don't know if I can do this anymore, it's getting more harder every day. And it seem like all I'm doing is struggling with myself and dealing with my life, because I'm not expressing my feelings or how I feel about myself.

I'm trying to keep everything that I'm currently going through to myself. I'm not embarrassed of who I am, but I don't want everyone in my family that I live with to find out and not accept me. My mom, I think she would accept me. I think my Dad and sister wouldn't be accepting at first, but I think they would come around and accept me of who I am.

And at the same time what would  happen after I tell my Dad and/or sister. Would they accept me? Would they need some time to figure everything out, then they would accept me? Their is many possible things that can happen. I could be forced to be homeless, I could be forced to change who I am and many other things could happen. And statistics for (young) LGBT people that are experiencing homelessness is 40%. I'm worried if that would happen to me after I tell my parents/family.

And when I want to fully transition to be a woman, I think that I'm making a huge mistake because once we have the bottom surgery then we can't go back to what we had before. And it feels like I don't know who I am anymore or what I want anymore because fully transitioning is a huge step for anyone who is wanting to transition to their preferred gender.

But at the same time, I feel like I am in the wrong body. And I want to wear women's clothing, I want to do things what other women do, like getting their fingernails painted, going shopping, and getting their hair and makeup done.

Most of me, are agreeing that I'm meant to be a women, then some parts of me are saying that I'm going to make a huge mistake of I fully transition.

At the same time I have 2 years left of high school, then 4 years of college, then 2-4 years of working at a job while   trying to save up for surgery and become financial ready. If I let the timeline above shape my life, then I would easily have to wait 10+ years to have surgery.

Now I don't feel like killing myself. After I have through about my problems while writing this post. My suicidal side and/or feelings come every once in a while. But as time goes on, I have noticed that these feelings are happening more often than usual.

I don't think I'm fully suicidal. But am suicidal to some degree every once in a while. But I'm planning on seeing a therapist that deals with gender issues that I'm experiencing.

(I know that this was a long story to read. And I know that some parts were confusing to read and to truly understand. I'm sorry if this story was too long or wasn't easy to understand. If there is anything that I didn't cover or it was too confusing to understand, I could happly answer any of your questions.)


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This is what RLE (Real Life Experience) is about. By living in the role prior to surgery, you will discover if surgery is the right thing for you. By the time I had sufficient money for surgery, it was clear to me that I couldn't go back. Had surgery not been available, I would have remained in the feminine role. Bottom surgery is a very small part of the transition and the best way to describe it is as a graduation ceremony. All of the work and experiencing the new life comes before that. Up to the point of surgery, you can return to your old life at any time and there are many things to do before you are ready for surgery. Just start setting small goals and deal with them one at a time. As you accomplish each goal, you will discover if you feel better or worst. If you feel better, your doubt will gradually fade away.

Quote from: Dena on July 16, 2017, 01:09:43 AM
This is what RLE (Real Life Experience) is about. By living in the role prior to surgery, you will discover if surgery is the right thing for you. By the time I had sufficient money for surgery, it was clear to me that I couldn't go back. Had surgery not been available, I would have remained in the feminine role. Bottom surgery is a very small part of the transition and the best way to describe it is as a graduation ceremony. All of the work and experiencing the new life comes before that. Up to the point of surgery, you can return to your old life at any time and there are many things to do before you are ready for surgery. Just start setting small goals and deal with them one at a time. As you accomplish each goal, you will discover if you feel better or worst. If you feel better, your doubt will gradually fade away.

Thank you, Dena


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I know what you mean about having to wait because of family ect. You can do some little things that don't seen like much, but when you do them they help a lot. Do your nails, use clear polish. They don't have to be long, and you'll be surprised at how few people notice[and its a shame, there so pretty]. Maybe even sneak a little makeup, not much! Just be you! Let your girl out some. Don't hide EVERYTHING, let'em see some of your girl within! This will help when its time to come out, they already know somethings going on...   They just don't know what!  Like Dena said, Real Life Experience. Take your time, the next couple of years will go faster than you think. When you go to collage is when your life starts to really become your own.

You're looking at this thing all wrong dear.  You are seeing this as a problem when it's not.  It's an opportunity to become the girl you want to be.  You're SO young. You have an amazing journey awaiting you.  Since you haven't really told anybody in your life you are alone and allowing your fears to predominate (FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real). When in fact so many good things are around the corner you have no idea.  But believe me they are plentiful and wondrous. Transition is magical and wonderful and it is yours if you want it.  10 YEARS IS NOTHING.  Believe me. Like Dena was getting at, it's the journey that matters.


If you are having these suicidal feelings it's probably a good idea to tell you parents about them.  You don't have to tell them why, but I'm sure they would want you to see a therapist and that sounds like something you really need right now.  I'm sure, after all you and your family has lived thru together already, your parent's would rather have a live daughter than a dead child.

I remember when I was in your position it was awful, but suicide is not the answer. I have had 3 attempts myself and regret each of them. Transition is a slow painful process but when you reach the desired outcome it all becomes worth it. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself hun it will get better with time and a lot of patience on your part. If your family loves you they will understand even if it takes them along time to adjust. My own transition has taken 3 years and some months for my parents to make significant progress. It was over 2 years before the would even call me by my preferred name or use female pronouns.
I hope things get better for you.
Hugs [emoji847]
ScarletRed


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