I don't know what I am anymore. Or (feels more like it) I am afraid to accept who I am and what I want.

For as long as I can remember I identified as male and had no issues with the biological body I had (I was ashamed of it a little bit because I wasn't in great shape but I didn't think that having a female body would make me more confident). I also had a history of obsessive thoughts about relationships and homosexuality (might have OCD) and my thought about being transsexual started the same way - I had a sexual fantasy where I was a woman and went «oh my god am I trans?».

But what I feel for a past couple of days looks like a gender dysphoria rather than OCD. Mainly my fantasies about being a woman are sexual but not 100%. I imagine myself having a female body, moving and acting like a woman and it feels so good. I feel like I want to have wide hips, breasts tiny little hands and beautiful legs of a girl rather than my male body. Those fantasies are so lucrative and pleasant its painful to wake up from them and realise that I am just a boring male. 


<link to another site removed>

I read this post and I can relate so much to the comments now! I don't feel anything towards my body, I don't feel one with it, for me its just a functional shell, but I would really love my body and myself were I a female. The only reason I see to take care of my body is to be attractive to other people and maybe be healthy. I never thought about it before, but now that I do it's so intense I feel like I need to act on it now. I reject my body so much I can't function normally, I don't want to get out of home etc. 
At the same time I think I have a male brain in terms of how I usually think and act, I am (or was, not sure anymore) comfortable with male pronouns, have male habits etc.

I just wish I was born a beautiful girl with a female brain so I would have to go through trouble of transitioning, of being a female who strongly resembles male in terms of shape of body and face (don't want to offend anyone but 98% of FTM's still look like re-dressed males to me), to go through social troubles and most of all, rethinking my personal image of myself, learning to be female.

Moderator edit to remove a link to another discussion site. I think your post states your feelings very well.

I'm confused, do you mean you're MTF (male to female)?

In a similar vein (I'm FTM), I was fine with my biological body up until I found out that 'transgender' even existed, at 18. I was okay with pronouns, with dressing on special occasions, and so on. Now, at 22, I'm taking steps to try and correct it, to live how I see myself, or get as close as.

I think I might be. I don't know, I know I am hurt and scared since I never experienced that before.
I heard about trans before but started seriously thinking about it only now.
Did you have no issues or incongruences whatsoever? You never thought of yourself as a male?

Quote from: tracer2535 on July 18, 2017, 12:53:16 PM
I think I might be. I don't know, I know I am hurt and scared since I never experienced that before.
I heard about trans before but started seriously thinking about it only now.
Did you have no issues or incongruences whatsoever? You never thought of yourself as a male?

It's a long and confusing journey, in my opinion.

I have Aspergers that I feel gives me some more masculine quirks, and was never really a 'feminine' girl, so everyone just assumed I was a tomboy.

I used to fantasize myself as male for a long long time. Drawing, writing, dreaming, and so on. But because I was young, and had never even heard of the terms/community before, I just brushed them off. "Played a lot of games" and such, never looked into it further, never warranted it, wasn't an obvious reason why I was unhappy in life.

Puberty was hard, confusing, but I still had no choice but to bottle it up and get on with my life. It might not have helped I was also a single child so really didn't have someone to 'compare' directly to.

When I found out that term in college, something just clicked, like it was what I was looking for this whole time, and it explained a lot. Now sometimes it like I opened a floodgate with all these buried feelings, and at times it is pure hell.

Wow, your story is a lot like of my Finnish friend damie (aspergers and masculinity).
My case is more confusing since I never imagined myself a girl. I wasn't very masculine (I am a nerd, heh), but I never imagined myself a girl until now. Then I dreamed about having a girl in my life.
Now I am lonely and battling with obsessive thoughts and anxiety and this pops up. And those dreams feel so good and nice that they leave me no choice, I simply can't be cisgendered with those. All this stuff hurts.

Tracer,

Welcome to the site. I hope you don't mind but I am going to move your post into our introductions section.

I also edited out a link to another site's discussion section. That is a violation of our terms of service in two ways. One is that you are too new a member to post links. The other is that  we don't allow links to other sites here except in the way stated:

QuoteWe do not allow the advertising of other websites or chats on Susan's Place, with the exception of the Susan's Place Transgender Web Directory which is listed on the main page of this site. This prohibition includes the chat, forums, and the wiki

As a member who has never posted here before you may not have realized that. I will include some links below to help you with that.

In the meantime. Are you seeing a therapist at all? That is the usual first step to help with these feelings. Especially if you can find a therapist trained to work with gender issues. They can help you sort through the confusing maze of feelings, expectations, fears, imagined problems and real ones. I am sorry you are in the pain you are experiencing.

Here are those links. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Jacqui

A good first step for you would be finding a gender therapist in your area who can help you work through these newfound feelings.

As far as your never having had any inward inclinations of femininity, there are plenty of transgender men and women that don't find out until later in life. They usually know there's something amiss but attribute it to any other number of causes before it finally clicks.

Can I say you're definitely trans? No.
No one on these forums can say that with absolute certainty. What I can say is that you likely fall somewhere on the spectrum because cisgender people don't put an ounce of thought into their birth genders or fantasize about being the opposite gender.
Where you are on that spectrum is what you're going to have to figure out (which is where the therapist will come in handy). Once you figure that part out, you'll be able to find plenty of tools here to determine what you need to do next.

Just to say that age isn't a big deal.
The idea that to be trans you have to have been having dysphoria all your life is, in my eyes, crazy.

What you should do is explore your feelings, maybe you are trans, maybe you want to crossdress, maybe its only a phase.
You can talk to a doctor about it sure but just take your time.

Presenting as female is a LOT of work and i only do half measures so keep that in mind too.

Good luck on your journey

Thank you for a reply.
Well, not necessarily having dysphoria, but pretty much everyone report feeling off or female since early years, but I didn't. I remember even being annoyed every now and then when people thought I am a girl because of the long hair when I was a kid.

You piqued my curisouty friend ! i like that!!

Yes, dyshporia comes in all shapes and sizes. I had wishings to be a girl when i was atleast 5.. but actual dysphoira didnt pop up until i was 13, and during those years i seemed fine being male. from 13-19 it popped up thorugh time to time but i pushed it off as much as could.. dypshoira got really bad at age 19 so i transitioned at age 20. When it comes to dysphoira age is just a number, but once you get it , it will almost always get worse with age..

I am Ashley btw <3, welcomes to Susans love!

I should mention to, i have heard of a story of a FTM who decided when he was 30 to transition and didnt put the peices together until then.. liek i said, age is just a number when it comes to dysphoira!... took me a long long time to come to that realization myself!

Thanks Ashley!
Like I said, dysphoria might be a wrong word, I never experienced anything like that before and was strongly cis, didn't like to be called a girl. But now it's all different. Maybe a lack of woman in my life and my belief that I shouldn't seek relationship until I become self-reliant (comes from a bad experience with a co-dependent relationship) backfires like that, but I feel that's just an excuse. I cross-dressed now and kinda liked it, I was able to look in the mirror and be feminine, give myself emotions I can't experience as a man. That maybe didn't feel like me, but I am tired of being me. Right now I feel like a completely new identity takes over and I am tired of fighting it.

Welcome, tracer!

Mirath's story pretty much describes me too, and just like SailorMars the dysphoria hit me at around 13 ( puberty hit) but until then I felt and saw myself as male and have done all my life. But I buried the pain on a daily basis in a belief that there was nothing I could do about it and just get on with life, until recently when I learned the term transgender and how people experienced their life being transgender. That's when I realized I was transgender and that I could actually do something about transitioning to male. Started on T 16 days ago.

I agree with the suggestion to talk to a gender therapist ( not just any therapist because they won't have the experience with transgender people or those questioning their transness and how to work with them) to help you sort out whether you are transgender or not.

Quote from: tracer2535 on July 18, 2017, 02:44:18 PM
Thanks Ashley!
Like I said, dysphoria might be a wrong word, I never experienced anything like that before and was strongly cis, didn't like to be called a girl. But now it's all different. Maybe a lack of woman in my life and my belief that I shouldn't seek relationship until I become self-reliant (comes from a bad experience with a co-dependent relationship) backfires like that, but I feel that's just an excuse. I cross-dressed now and kinda liked it, I was able to look in the mirror and be feminine, give myself emotions I can't experience as a man. That maybe didn't feel like me, but I am tired of being me. Right now I feel like a completely new identity takes over and I am tired of fighting it.

nothing to be ashamed of by crossdressing.
For me it was crossdressing that totally freed my mind and it was only then that I realised that me being male isnt right.
I'm quite curious as to what you mean by feeling emotions as a female that you cant as a man. Do you mean expressing them?

Hi Tracer, I am in a relative minority on this website in that I am TG, but have chosen not to transition. I had strong desires to be a girl when I was young which subsequently got squashed leading to a lifetime of repression. I have a lifetime of bipolar disorder and OCD. I am 58 and just realized I was TG. I discovered my true identity through a great therapist. I recommend a therapist to whom you can "spill your guts" so you can sort out your feelings. It is very complex and I wouldn't try to figure things out too quickly and certainly don't make any decisions too quickly. For me, my mental illness makes me quite vulnerable to any stressors. After many months of therapy I came to the conclusion that the gender dysphoria that I would have from not transitioning far outweighed the severe stress and anxiety that would come from ruining my marriage, losing dear friends, ending up alone and looking into a mirror at a man dressed up like a woman(I too am very masculine in appearance), being ostracized by much of my community in which I have deep roots and being discriminated by a lot of people out there. Life is full of choices. You need to fully understand what you are dealing with and the consequences of your actions or inaction before making any choices. Good luck in your journey!

Quote from: MissKairi on July 18, 2017, 04:21:12 PM

nothing to be ashamed of by crossdressing.
For me it was crossdressing that totally freed my mind and it was only then that I realised that me being male isnt right.
I'm quite curious as to what you mean by feeling emotions as a female that you cant as a man. Do you mean expressing them?

That is a fantastic way of putting it, and pretty much how things went for me. 

Also, you said it in twenty five words or less. A girl after my own heart. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: MissKairi on July 18, 2017, 04:21:12 PM
nothing to be ashamed of by crossdressing.
For me it was crossdressing that totally freed my mind and it was only then that I realised that me being male isnt right.
I'm quite curious as to what you mean by feeling emotions as a female that you cant as a man. Do you mean expressing them?

I don't know, I guess I felt more free as well and I did and didn't quite want to go back. It wasn't quite me in the mirror (or was it finally me and I am not used to see it? Don't know)
Well, yeah, I guess expressing them since these emotions (like being soft and tender) and certain mannerisms don't go along with my image of a man.

Hi Tracer 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M