I will try to keep this relatively short, I tend to ramble.

Last week I was in London for work and had a day off while I was there. I decided to make an appointment with a dressing service to help me see how I look as a girl. I picked out a few outfits from a wide selection and got changed. Then the lady who runs the business helped me find some jewellery then sat me in front of a mirror for makeup and a wig. The makeup went on quite thick, but I was told the first couple of layers were to mask my beard shadow. I wasn't overly excited about how the makeup turned out in the end. I thought I looked too pale for my skin tone. It seemed unnatural to me, but it was ok for my first time in makeup.

During my 4 hour appointment, I tried a few different wig styles and several outfits. I also had some photos taken with each different look. Overall, I felt kind of "right" and was enjoying myself. I was a little sad at the end when I had to wash the makeup off and get back into my boy clothes. I didn't think I really passed, but I looked much better than I thought I would.

A few days later, before returning back home to Australia, I was feeling confused and upset. I had been looking at the photos everyday, and each day convincing myself a little more that I looked horrible and have no chance of ever passing. Part of me wishes that I would have hated being dressed girly but that wasn't the case. I enjoyed seeing the girl, that has been locked away for nearly 45 years, finally come out into the world for a short time. I so desperately just want to be a normal guy, but I am not. There is a girl inside that wants to be set free and she is starting to break through any obstacles I put in her way. She is gaining strength and momentum and it is scaring the crap out of me.

Big hug! I hear you, once the girl in me knew she had my attention there was no stopping her.   

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 19, 2017, 06:20:04 AM
There is a girl inside that wants to be set free and she is starting to break through any obstacles I put in her way. She is gaining strength and momentum and it is scaring the crap out of me.

I was stupid to try and contain her, finding her nearly cost me my life, but that is the way with us isn't it.

What do you think you want to do...have you thought about where you fit on the scale of gender? It can feel like a bit of a freight train but at least you get to call the shots.

Quote from: ElizabethK

I was stupid to try and contain her, finding her nearly cost me my life, but that is the way with us isn't it.
/quote]
I have tried fighting her for a long time and it always ends badly.

Quote
What do you think you want to do...have you thought about where you fit on the scale of gender?

I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my wife. She is the world to me. I am not sure where on the scale I fit. I think I am more girly than I would have liked to be.

I will start out with a most likely controversial statement: I starting to think if "passing" is overrated.

Here is my reasoning: Over the past three weeks I had more than one occasion where I almost had a meltdown about "I will always be a dude in a dress". One example: entering a restaurant in a skit, makeup, sandals and still constantly being called Sir - not out of ignorance, they simply did not see the women in me. This had weighed down heavily on me to the point where I was close to jumping of a bridge. FFS or even GCS is years away for me (for personal reasons).

So what changed my mind?

I did meet a local trans activist group, some of them are long time transitioning. I looked at trans celebrities and a lot of pictures on the internet. I also looked at myself again and all the sudden I discovered I pass better than some. Far away from fully passing, but I do OK.

More important was the mental change, the rewiring of my brain chemistry due to the change in hormones. Having mood swings and emotions. My changed communications skills (I did check some of my writing with an AI system and it came back female every time).

At the end of the day, I have to decide if I want to let the positive win or the negative. Passing is an ultimate goal. For me that is comparable to be able to run a Marathon. I am out of breath on a 2 mile walk. I try to get to 3 miles. But even a half marathon would be years of training away. I still have the goal to one day run a Marathon, same as to pass one day. Am I bothered by not passing? I guess not any more. I found my balance back :-)

Jayne,  I have had 4 professional makeovers at dressing services catering to trans people and crossdressers.  Three of the experiences were wonderful and one was just so-so.  I can relate to some of what you wrote--certainly about taking everything off and going back to "male mode" (especially since I am in the closet).  Since I very likely will never transition (unless my life were to change quite dramatically--so never say never), I am not worried about "passing," and I knew going in that how a professional makeup artist could make me look would be different than how I would look as a woman on a day-to-day basis if I were to live full-time on my own.

Here's how I see it for myself:  The experience of going to a transformation studio is a gift to myself, a chance to be the woman I want to be for a few hours in a safe, accepting, and supportive environment.  If I had the opportunity to do it every week (and it wasn't so expensive and I wasn't having to hide it from my wife and save up the $$ to do it and do it on a business trip, etc., etc.)  Why?  Because for me it has confirmed my feminine identity.  The freedom, comfort, and peace that I felt when I first fully dressed at a transformation studio helped me understand that I was trans. 

Prior to that first experience about twenty-five years ago I had mostly just worn women's underwear, but I had always dreamnt of being a woman (I mean day dreams and dreaming at night).  I had wanted to try on my wife's clothes, but they were too small for me.  I had filled my bras with water balloons and baggies full of bird seed, but I'd never worn silicone breast forms before that first transformation.  Now I have my own forms, my own wig, my own dresses, skirts, blouses, etc. 

I know that some trans people have criticized the transformation "industry" as ripping off trans people and I think there are people out there who do rip off trans people.  But, the experiences I had were with wonderful people--two of them post-op transwomen who really helped me understand my own feelings as they talked to me openly about my own feelings as they made me up and, in one case, we went out to dinner.  It was like a counseling session.  The other 2 were very supportive GG's--the only GG's I'd I've ever talked openly with about my feelings and the only people I've ever been dressed around.  So, to me, as a closeted trans person, a transformation service (if it is a good, reputable, and safe one) is well worth it!

Now I realize that being a woman is not about being biologically a woman which means that I don't have to "pass" or even wear women's clothes every day.  I know that I am transgender and, for me, having makeovers has helped me realize this.  Nancy

That inner person is in you whether or not you like it, or acknowledge it, and ignoring him or her can take a more terrible toll than transitioning.

I'm a 64-year-old, non-transitioning nonbinary parital transmale, but until I allowed my male side to exist as his own person, I paid for my denial in depression, panic attacks, and not wanting to live, although I had no idea what was wrong until 2013.

Although everyone is obviously different, I feel that suppress either voice is a bad thing.
You can still be female outside and in with a merging of voices rather tham the suppression of one.

I studied aerospace engineering in college, but ultimately failed the maths and changed my major to history.  My one takeaway from that experience was simply this:  NASA blew up a lot of rockets on the launch pad before John Glenn flew into orbit and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

I have also grown bonsai trees for many years.  I've learned the hard way that when you try to pretty up a living thing it does not always react the way you would expect, and you have to learn to live with the beauty you have rather than the beauty you anticipated.

So why should I ever expect my first time getting dressed and fully made up to be perfect?

Sure enough, the first time I ordered a wig and plopped it on my head, I looked like a dude who should be working in a physics lab somewhere.

I can't tell you how many items of clothing I have bought, unable to try on in the store, or ordered online, that ended up in my wife's "send to the relatives in the Philippines" pile.

And I am still tinkering with things like foundation, blush, and contouring makeup.    Based on using female mode in Faceapp on my photos, I think I need a lighter foundation, and maybe some fast set concrete for the furrows in my forehead.

But I have never given up or become demoralized.  I am happy just to be alive and able to transition.  I have always found some little thing I can do to enhance or express my femininity.  Like growing a great bonsai tree, there is a huge lot of work the public never sees that goes into being a trans girl and I intend to enjoy every moment of it.

I'm not sure what I expected from the transformation. I certainly never had any expectations that I would magically look like a female that easily passes. When I say I pass, I am purely talking about looks at this stage. My voice would give me away no matter how feminine I look, not to mention my mannerisms. But that is something to work on in due course.

I think the main reason I became upset was because seeing myself all dressed up made me realise that there is no longer any doubt that I am trans. I have always been holding on to a little bit of hope that I wasn't trans and all my issues were due to something else that can be treated with some simple medication and only needed to diagnose what the actual problem was. Seeing Jayne for the first time and actually enjoying being her was a lot for me to process. I would have liked the makeup to better suit my skin colour. I thought it made my face look way too pale and almost sickly looking, but it did serve its purpose in hiding the guy and bringing out a little bit of girl.

Jayne,

Wow. Such a big step, and such a positive experience. I'm proud of you.


Rowan


Ps. Just remember English skin is less likely to be sun tanned

There are a few of photos from the makeover that I actually kind of like. I showed my therapist and she didn't even recognise me. I even have a hard time recognising myself. I'm tempted to post a photo or two on here but I'm a little nervous.

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 19, 2017, 04:26:15 PM
I think the main reason I became upset was because seeing myself all dressed up made me realise that there is no longer any doubt that I am trans.

This is part of what I was referring to in my post above about my transformation experiences.  I had a very frank discussion with the makeover artist (gender guide?) about the gender continuum that made a deep impression on me and I realized that I had been denying my own truth.  Powerful!