Hi it's me again
I already replied to your other thread and as you know by now, I have chosen to not take hormones. Like said I don't do romantic relationships, and all things considered I may not be the best person to offer the advice you were looking for. But I claim to know at least something about being a human, and I can somewhat relate with your concerns. You mind if I share how it all turned out in my case?
Quote from: warrenm on July 19, 2017, 08:34:25 AM
I know relationships shouldn't be the number one priority controlling your life but it's a thing I personally can't seem to get over ( the fear of no one loving me if I'm not "fully" one or the other).
For the longest time I used to think that way. At least to a degree; I have never been into romantic stuff and can't imagine sharing my entire life with someone, so a relationship was never really a goal of mine. But when I was teenager I obviously wanted to get laid and running after guys was lots of fun, if hardly ever successful (being hit on, on the other hand, has never been my thing).
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was trans, but for teenager me the idea of wanting to be a gay man instead of a straight woman was so absurd that I did everything in my power to not have such ridiculous thoughts. I was convinced that I could never tell anyone about it, or else I would no longer have friends and surely my family would abandon me and I would never be happy. Or attractive. So what I did was that I simply ignored the fact that I'm trans, and decided I would not seek any treatment out of fear of being rejected. In that sense I think I was going through the same fears as you now.
So I did my best living in the female mode, wearing proper clothing, putting on some makeup, trying hard to act like a real girl. But I wasn't very attractive girl. I didn't have any confidence, I didn't act natural and I always had hard time finding friends and even harder time trying to keep them. And the guys I was interested in? I got very little attention from them. Even if I did, it would never work out: someone finding my female body attractive was too much for me and I would completely freak out every time. And this wasn't just when I was in my teens, it continued like this until almost the half way through my twenties.
I have since came into terms with myself and I no longer try to present as female as such; just doing and wearing whatever feels right. (And really, for whatever reason I sorta look like I was already on low dose of hormones) In the past few years I have had more people interested in me, men and women alike, than I did back when I was trying to be a girly girl. I'm giving off very androgynous vibe apparently, or that's what I've been told in several occasions. Sure, it's a turn off for some but I can assure you that there are also lots of people who actually find it attractive. But most importantly, I'm now finally confident and I think it shows.
About being on HRT and in a relationship I obviously know nothing about, but I know there are several people here who do. I don't think it's uncommon at all for trans people to be in a healthy, stable, loving relationship. Then again it's not given that cis males or females will have such relationships, is it? I'm not an expert on this but if I had to guess I'd say that people who are living as authentic self and feel comfortable in their own skin (whether it requires HRT or not) have the best shot at succeeding in relationships in general.
Long story short, deciding to not do something out of fear of not being loved is, in my opinion, not something you will want do with your life. That way you have a good chance attracting people who do not love you for what you are, and even greater chance to never meet those who will.
Or, as RuPaul puts it:
If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?
