Hello. So I'm new here and I go by Eli. I'm pretty young, only 16, but I think I'm at least a little mature. Anyway, that's not very relevant, so I'll get to the point.

The first time I considered that I could be trans was at 13. I wrote in a diary that I was a boy and my mom found it and gave me a little lecture on how trans people are crazy. After that, I forgot about being trans because I tried to believe her: "Sure, it's weird. I'm not trans."

In the past year, however, the thoughts of being trans have resurfaced and are hitting me hard. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am very likely trans, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be so distressed about if I was or wasn't trans. It's becoming easier to recognize because I have an 18-year-old trans friend who started HRT and I've been envious of them for a while.

Despite all of this, I do NOT want to be trans. It will mess up so many things in my life. My mom is Muslim and I'm atheist, so I already have to come out like that eventually. Coming out as trans would be extra and much heavier baggage. I'm fairly sure my mother would never look at me the same way again, nor would my dad. My brother and close friends would be very accepting, but the parent situation makes me too scared to even think about coming out to them.

Not only that, but HRT is unnatural and kind of scares me (especially shots and needles!! oh boy). It's not that I wouldn't want to take the next step to making myself happier like that, but I always worry that I could be wrong about being trans or that I'm not experiencing enough dysphoria. Just thinking about the possibility of regretting transitioning scares me so much.

Oops, sorry... I kind of typed a lot haha. I had a lot that I had to get off of my chest. Please let me know your thoughts and what you think I should do in my situation. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. if you want any specifics of how I feel (feel free to skip this part):
I don't really care about my female body. Some trans people hate it, but I'm kind of different? I don't care about pronouns that much either, but here's the catch. Having a male physique, a deep voice, and being called he/him would make me very happy and I'm not sure why... it just feels right? So I suppose I experience gender euphoria instead of gender dysphoria? I'm not sure.

Whatever it is, it's been gradually getting worse and I feel like if I wait too long, it'll be worse for me in the end.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this once again! Let me know what you think.

Quote from: tsukiyoarts on July 20, 2017, 09:56:50 PM
In your case, I guess you will have to wait a few years to move away from your home, when you become more independent. I had to wait 3.5 years after realizing who I was. Sorry, but if your parents have no chance of understanding in your opinion, the problem is them, not you. Religion is about acceptance of the other if it makes them happy (as long as you do not kill, steal, etc), when that does not happen it is hypocrysy, it can stand on the way of happiness of the person being intolerant and the one who receives the intolerance. Sometimes, with time, they accept if you insist, sometimes not.

HRT does not always involves shots, there is medicaments by skin and pills too if desired, each with positive and negative possible side effects. Using medicaments scares me too, I felt some side effects when I started 4 days ago but they grew weaker, I am still evaluating them.

If you do not hate your body, but you want a different body, then you do hate it, but maybe not to such a extent as some, you are like me. That will help you to wait. In the meantime you can do small things to placate your dysphoria.

As I alike to say, calculate each step coldy, observe a lot in such cases as yours, wait. I do not care about being called he or she or they too, I am androgyne leaning anyway. Doubts are common too, some things you will only know by doing, starting with a gender therapist, or a qualified psychologist if the first is not available when you leave your familiy wings and start to be your true self in front of god/universe/nature/whatever.

Regards,
Tsukiyoarts

I'm definitely going to move away first. Thank you for the body comment by the way, it did help clear up that issue! What you said makes sense to me.

I'm going to try to get a therapist and discuss about my gender only with them. I definitely don't want to make any rash decisions and need to detransition afterwards because that's pretty frightening. Thank you for your answer, it was unbiased and helpful! I appreciate it.

Ayatollah Homeini (forgive my spelling) after many years of studying Quran found no prohibitions there against changing one's own sex (gender) and concluded that it's not against Allah's will. If that is any consolation to you or your parents...

Btw, I also go by Eli (although I chose feminine looking Ellie to avoid being called Ee-Lye).

And you, being ftm, would have to work much harder to prove you're a guy to your parents. Start by graduating your school in top of your class, and getting into a college where you can earn a degree that is profitable. Financial independence is very important.

Maybe, you can just start acting as a guy without telling your parents about your transgender feelings. My wife is physically female, yet she is very manly and bossy about anything that is of interest to her. She learned to live independently first, then her parents had to lean on her for support more and more and now she bosses around everybody in our big family (even though she wears skirts sometimes, she is wearing pants metaphorically).

Quote from: elkie-t on July 20, 2017, 11:00:58 PM
Btw, I also go by Eli (although I chose feminine looking Ellie to avoid being called Ee-Lye).

And you, being ftm, would have to work much harder to prove you're a guy to your parents. Start by graduating your school in top of your class, and getting into a college where you can earn a degree that is profitable. Financial independence is very important.

Maybe, you can just start acting as a guy without telling your parents about your transgender feelings. My wife is physically female, yet she is very manly and bossy about anything that is of interest to her. She learned to live independently first, then her parents had to lean on her for support more and more and now she bosses around everybody in our big family (even though she wears skirts sometimes, she is wearing pants metaphorically).

In regards to your Quran post, it does not affect me because I have found that I'm atheist. I do not particularly have anything against Islam, it's just that as I grew older, my beliefs changed to become my own and not my parents' beliefs. Thank you for letting me know, regardless.

I'm currently in the top 3% of my class but I've still got a way to go before hitting college so I'll try my best to be successful and financially independent. Unfortunately, I'm an artist so I'm kind of scared that will make it a lot harder to have a secure, well-paying job. Thank you for your input!

Welcome, Eli!

I don't think that anybody here would choose to be trans. It is not a choice, it is something we are born with. So, that leaves out the element of choice.

Also, I used to think that I had to be suicidal about my body to be considered trans. That's not so. I don't hate my body, I just need to see myself as having a male body ( it's a brain thing).

I just stared on T ( 18 days ago) and I have no problems with it at all. If you do the research, and your doctor will tell you the same, the side effects of T on your body are quite minimal. In fact, T is far better for you then E.

Lots for you to explore before you feel ready to make an informed decision.

Quote from: Dan on July 21, 2017, 02:02:06 AM
I don't think that anybody here would choose to be trans. It is not a choice, it is something we are born with. So, that leaves out the element of choice.

I agree very much with this quote.

For me, my gender dysphoria was overwhelming and was on my mind constantly. I struggled with the dysphoria for over 50 years and finally did something about it at age 66. The only thing I regret is the life I might have had if I transitioned earlier, but that is another story.

What we do about our problem is many times determined by what country we live in and what others expect from us. Even if you are living in the US, many of us had to experience violent repercussions because of the way we were born.  Some of us are fortunate to have family support, but from your first post, it sounds like that is not possible.

There are many girls who just like doing things that are not associated with feminine activities. This is perfectly OK. They are called Tom Boys. They are not transgender. They are more or less comfortable with their bodies. They just have no use for what other people expect them to do. They want to be themselves, what ever that may be.

Only you can make your own decision on how you want to live the rest of your life. If your feelings about gender dysphoria are not overwhelming, then you may want to think about this a little longer. Be careful and first know who you are, then when you become independent, you can become your true self.

Have you looked on YouTube? There's quite a few young ftm guys on there.

It took me a long time to accept being trans. But after 2 years of keeping it to myself and hitting 'the wall'; which I think all trans people do at some pont even though it might take decades; I realised I had to live my life for myself and that my parents don't own me and don't always know best for me. I wasn't living before just coasting along with no quality of life. You don't deserve that.

Thinking of being trans like any other medical condition has helped me to accept it. It isn't my fault; I just happen to be this way because my brain became flooded with testosterone while my body developed female while in the womb. Similar to someone being born intersex. Interestingly the white matter in ftm brain scans are very similar to the white brain matter in cis males; proving you can have a different gender wired brain in contrast to your sex.

As for administering T I dislike injections myself so opted for testogel. Yeah it can be a slight hassle having to apply it daily but I like how it gives me a steady dose of T the same as a cis man; so no mood swings. As for it being unnatural I think of myself as any other man who happens to have low T and so needs medication to give me that extra boost. Same if you have depression and so have naturally low serotonin levels; so need antidepressants to give you the right amount of those hormones. All drugs are unnatural and all are poisonous; as the huge list of side effects will tell you. But as long as you see a GP regularly and report any possibility of not feeling as healthy as normal; it's worth the risk to keep you healthy and to give you a good quality of life. For trans people you need regular blood tests to check things like lipid profile, if your liver is still healthy as well as oestrogen and T levels. So we're more likely than cis people to know sooner if we're healthy or not.

When it comes to dysphoria there are different degrees of discomfort. Some trans people absolutely hate their bodies and some just feel minor discomfort. Some only have social dysphoria (discomfort when birth name and pronouns are used) and some only have body dysphoria. Some have both but in different degrees. I don't hate my body. I strongly dislike it though. I can appreciate I have a nice looking chest but having breasts never felt right and I've always disliked them. I don't really have any dysphoria in regards to my female parts. I like most changes that have come with T (voice deepening; being gendered male; more masculine appearance). But not others. I think you have to weigh up the mental pros with the physical negatives when deciding on T. For me having primarily estrogen in my system made me anxious; depressed and feeling foggy.

All in all cis people don't question their assigned gender; only trans people do.

Even if you can't transition now you could look at going to a support group. Or buying a chest binder (GC2B make the best ones; although if that's unaffordable many LGBT charities give out free secondhand ones). You could buy some male clothes. Even just boxers and male T shirts boosted my self esteem and confidence.

Hi, Eli!

Welcome to Susan's Place.  Trying to come out about your feelings at a young age can be rough, especially with family, but you've gotten some good advice already and you sound like a pretty level-headed person. 

We have a number of different forums here, some of which may help you in getting better responses for your posts.  I do have a few suggestions for you as a new member to help you get started.

I think this post might do better over in our Introductions forum.  I'll move it over and leave a note here so you can find it again.

If you have questions on hormone replacement therapy, you will get the best response to your questions by asking them over in our Hormone Replacement Therapy forum for our transitioning members.

I hope you feel welcome here.

A Cautionary Note:
Please try to remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there somewhere make sure of this.

This is a public forum. We cannot insure that any information shared on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction.  There is no way to guarantee that automated image and writing style analyzers out there won't see and process your post.

Do not share anything on Susan's that you do not want to be public information.


I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar or set a profile picture)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

I think many if not all of us can relate. At least for me it was very hard to accept that I'm trans. I can only imagine how hard it must be if your parents are against the idea.

On the bright side, you seem to be very down to earth and looks like you have already made some plans for the future, so that's a good thing. You also said that your brother is accepting - do you think he could team up with you and defend you from your parents, if needed? Accepting friends are an asset too! 

Quote from: elkie-t on July 20, 2017, 10:49:05 PM
Ayatollah Homeini (forgive my spelling) after many years of studying Quran found no prohibitions there against changing one's own sex (gender) and concluded that it's not against Allah's will. If that is any consolation to you or your parents...

I'm an atheist too and don't know too much about Islam tbh, and I'm not going to discuss about Islam as such but the LGBT politics of Iran. That said, I saw this document about being transgender in Iran and what I got was that there was heavy lobbying included from the part of the doctor who performs SRS operations, which seems to have influenced how being trans is seen in the country. In contrast, homosexuality is still seen as a sin. As a result some gay people got SRS done even if they were not in fact trans, and they did this out of fear of social rejection. If someone else knows better please feel free to correct me, but IMO this doesn't sound like an authority I'd like to back up my opinions with!

Quote from: elkie-t on July 20, 2017, 11:00:58 PM
And you, being ftm, would have to work much harder to prove you're a guy to your parents. Start by graduating your school in top of your class, and getting into a college where you can earn a degree that is profitable. Financial independence is very important.

I agree that financial independece is important. Other than that, I will have to respectfully disagree; no 16yo should have to work hard in order to prove anything to their parents. If you find school easy and have no trouble getting high grades that's great, but some may struggle with school for one reason or other. Those people are no less deserving and should not feel that they are less deserving than anyone else. It's the parents' job to love their child and prove them they're worthy; not the other way around.

Whatever career you pick, pick one that you chose yourself, would be my advice.

Quote from: elkie-t on July 20, 2017, 11:00:58 PM
Maybe, you can just start acting as a guy without telling your parents about your transgender feelings.

But with this I agree Just be yourself and act however feels natural for you, do things that you like, wear whatever you like, just be you. Most people will get it when they see it, that has been my experience as well.

Hi N A, I agree 16 years old shouldn't work hard and should be loved and supported by parents. And that any job is decent if performed well, and career path should be chosen with a goal of loving the job.

Yet, in my binary world, a guy must earn decent money, and investment of several years of life (and thousands of dollars) into something like 'liberal arts or history studies', might not be a good investment after all. Mtf and Ftm have it harder finding a job, and one should look where he will be in such a short supply that he will be able to find a job even with trans-issues and prejudice.
And well, I hope OP finds support from his parents, yet I'd suggest to prepare plan b and make extra-effort for a case when he's not. Having plan B and making extra-effort never hurts, it always pays off with stronger negotiation position in the current and more options available in the future.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Also, in a traditional Muslim family, being a male is privileged position. So, I'm afraid it would require some drastic measures to get there. I think mtf would have it easier to get family acceptance than ftm, especially without proving he can function independently.

I would never discourage anyone from obtaining a degree in liberal arts or history.  Just like being transgender, I believe every individual should collect information and then determine their own best path forward.   A undergraduate degree in liberal arts or history is a good foundation for a law degree or master's degree.

Quote from: elkie-t on July 21, 2017, 12:34:55 PM
Yet, in my binary world, a guy must earn decent money, and investment of several years of life (and thousands of dollars) into something like 'liberal arts or history studies', might not be a good investment after all. Mtf and Ftm have it harder finding a job, and one should look where he will be in such a short supply that he will be able to find a job even with trans-issues and prejudice.
And well, I hope OP finds support from his parents, yet I'd suggest to prepare plan b and make extra-effort for a case when he's not. Having plan B and making extra-effort never hurts, it always pays off with stronger negotiation position in the current and more options available in the future.

I see. And I think I get what you mean there. I personally don't see a problem with putting time and money into "liberal arts and history studies", but then again I never had to pay anything for my education and therefore I could afford some missteps and wrong choices when I was young and still studying. Might well be that I'm not the right person to talk about how to properly spend your tuition fees 

About the rest of it, I sort of agree and sort of don't. While work as an artist or in related field is probably not going to be very profitable financially, on the bright side the art world can often be very accepting of various identities and alternative ways of living. Then again you might make more money if you end up going to business school or something, but if it's not for you then it's not for you. Competition is hard in finance for example, and I think you have to be of certain type to prosper there. But I'm a product of a welfare state, and I admit this heavily influences how I see these things.

Tough choices, but it's good at least to consider different options. And while it's a good idea to take into account all these practicalities of life, it's okay to have dreams too - especially when you're still only 16 and have plenty of time to find your thing in life. And of course, it's not a choice between being an investment banker or an artist, there are also other alternatives in life.

And yeah, I think it's much more difficult to become an investment banker if you are trans, than an artist. As i said any job is for as long as it suits you and support your financial independence, and any investment into education should be treated as an investment - with good understanding of realistic return. At least in USA, where higher education isn't free.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Elis on July 21, 2017, 09:52:11 AM
It took me a long time to accept being trans. But after 2 years of keeping it to myself and hitting 'the wall'; which I think all trans people do at some pont even though it might take decades; I realised I had to live my life for myself and that my parents don't own me and don't always know best for me. I wasn't living before just coasting along with no quality of life. You don't deserve that.

Thinking of being trans like any other medical condition has helped me to accept it. It isn't my fault; I just happen to be this way because my brain became flooded with testosterone while my body developed female while in the womb. Similar to someone being born intersex. Interestingly the white matter in ftm brain scans are very similar to the white brain matter in cis males; proving you can have a different gender wired brain in contrast to your sex.

As for administering T I dislike injections myself so opted for testogel. Yeah it can be a slight hassle having to apply it daily but I like how it gives me a steady dose of T the same as a cis man; so no mood swings. As for it being unnatural I think of myself as any other man who happens to have low T and so needs medication to give me that extra boost. Same if you have depression and so have naturally low serotonin levels; so need antidepressants to give you the right amount of those hormones. All drugs are unnatural and all are poisonous; as the huge list of side effects will tell you. But as long as you see a GP regularly and report any possibility of not feeling as healthy as normal; it's worth the risk to keep you healthy and to give you a good quality of life. For trans people you need regular blood tests to check things like lipid profile, if your liver is still healthy as well as oestrogen and T levels. So we're more likely than cis people to know sooner if we're healthy or not.

When it comes to dysphoria there are different degrees of discomfort. Some trans people absolutely hate their bodies and some just feel minor discomfort. Some only have social dysphoria (discomfort when birth name and pronouns are used) and some only have body dysphoria. Some have both but in different degrees. I don't hate my body. I strongly dislike it though. I can appreciate I have a nice looking chest but having breasts never felt right and I've always disliked them. I don't really have any dysphoria in regards to my female parts. I like most changes that have come with T (voice deepening; being gendered male; more masculine appearance). But not others. I think you have to weigh up the mental pros with the physical negatives when deciding on T. For me having primarily estrogen in my system made me anxious; depressed and feeling foggy.

All in all cis people don't question their assigned gender; only trans people do.

Even if you can't transition now you could look at going to a support group. Or buying a chest binder (GC2B make the best ones; although if that's unaffordable many LGBT charities give out free secondhand ones). You could buy some male clothes. Even just boxers and male T shirts boosted my self esteem and confidence.

Your response was very helpful! Thank you!

Quote from: N A on July 21, 2017, 12:22:09 PM
I think many if not all of us can relate. At least for me it was very hard to accept that I'm trans. I can only imagine how hard it must be if your parents are against the idea.

On the bright side, you seem to be very down to earth and looks like you have already made some plans for the future, so that's a good thing. You also said that your brother is accepting - do you think he could team up with you and defend you from your parents, if needed? Accepting friends are an asset too! 

I'm an atheist too and don't know too much about Islam tbh, and I'm not going to discuss about Islam as such but the LGBT politics of Iran. That said, I saw this document about being transgender in Iran and what I got was that there was heavy lobbying included from the part of the doctor who performs SRS operations, which seems to have influenced how being trans is seen in the country. In contrast, homosexuality is still seen as a sin. As a result some gay people got SRS done even if they were not in fact trans, and they did this out of fear of social rejection. If someone else knows better please feel free to correct me, but IMO this doesn't sound like an authority I'd like to back up my opinions with!

I agree that financial independece is important. Other than that, I will have to respectfully disagree; no 16yo should have to work hard in order to prove anything to their parents. If you find school easy and have no trouble getting high grades that's great, but some may struggle with school for one reason or other. Those people are no less deserving and should not feel that they are less deserving than anyone else. It's the parents' job to love their child and prove them they're worthy; not the other way around.

Whatever career you pick, pick one that you chose yourself, would be my advice.

But with this I agree Just be yourself and act however feels natural for you, do things that you like, wear whatever you like, just be you. Most people will get it when they see it, that has been my experience as well.

Thank you. Your response is very kind. As for the LGBT politics in Iran, I live in the U.S. and am unaffected by them! The thing is, my mom (she's the only Muslim parent) is kind of extremist, but she's also kind of bad at being extremist? For example, she loves her religion so much she broke my brother's guitar when she found out he was atheist, but she doesn't obsess over Islam. It's a confusing situation^^

And thank you for the career comment! I love drawing with all of my heart but my parents always sound disappointed when I say I want to go to art school for college, yet they celebrate when I win awards..   so, yeah. They've given me a lot of doubt about my career choice.

Quote from: elkie-t on July 21, 2017, 01:00:02 PM
Also, in a traditional Muslim family, being a male is privileged position. So, I'm afraid it would require some drastic measures to get there. I think mtf would have it easier to get family acceptance than ftm, especially without proving he can function independently.

Luckily, my family isn't traditionally Muslim. My mom converted before I was born and is a practicing Muslim, but sge doesn't enforce that being male is a privileged position. In fact, she treats me a lot better than my brother ;;

I mentioned Homeini for the sake of argument if you ever would want to challenge your mom's religious beliefs, not because i think Iranian government is great, nor because I thought it would bear any validation for you (since you mentioned being an atheist)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk