I am so beyond confused. My husband and wanted to transition to become my wife. She called herself Vicky. Had a profile on here..Now all that is deleted and he no longer identifies as a she. This has happened so many times that I've lost count. I don't think it's being considered how much of a toll it takes on me (as I'm sure him) to go back and fourth like that. I'm at a total loss for words and so confused and hurt. Any time I try to bring it up he gets very angry. Even at the mention of it.

Someone please give me some insight.

Big hug! I think we often underestimate the effect our transitions have on others. Do you seek couples counseling? It sounds like your partner is in a  denial phase right now.

By the way, I'm lifetime single, you may want to take my marriage advice with a handful of salt. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I'd second couples counseling. Also, can you elaborate how far does Vicky transitions? Is it just a crossdressing and role play in your house, or is it back and forth publicly?

Some trans-people identify (or have desire) to be female, yet no desire to transition and perfectly content with doing it occasionally


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This is a bit complicated. Some people are gender fluid/bigender and their gender identity switches sometimes at the drip of a hat. Others have a conflict because they fear losing far to much if they change genders however the their mind keeps pulling them back to transitioning. There also can be a huge helping of denial for some of us. In my case, I knew at 13 and transition as soon as it was possible. Many on this site have transitioned far older because of this raging battle that has taken place inside them. Therapy would be a good idea as it will help figure out what is going on. You also might want to look at our WIKI as it explains some of this in more detail.

Quote from: DJones5316 on July 21, 2017, 08:47:10 AM
I am so beyond confused. My husband and wanted to transition to become my wife. She called herself Vicky. Had a profile on here..Now all that is deleted and he no longer identifies as a she. This has happened so many times that I've lost count. I don't think it's being considered how much of a toll it takes on me (as I'm sure him) to go back and fourth like that. I'm at a total loss for words and so confused and hurt. Any time I try to bring it up he gets very angry. Even at the mention of it.

Someone please give me some insight.

You might be able to relate to my background.  I told my wife I had feminine thoughts 39 years ago. She was very supportive. I struggled with cycles of the female side seeming so right for  me until all of a sudden the guilt took over and I clung to the male side, desperately trying to save the male image everyone in the world had of me. This happened for years until I could no longer stand it. With her acceptance, I could have transitioned years ago, but I could never accept myself until I became desperate. For me, the older I got , the stronger  the feelings got. I expect your partner is struggling with shame, fear and embarrassment. It is not fair  to you by any means, but it is not your  fault either.  It might help you to understand  that your partner is probably on a roller coaster and may be trying to  mentally get off of it. Escape is something that just doesn't happen in my experience. Thank you for being supportive. Please take care  of yourself in all of this. You deserve respect as your partner deserves understanding. Therapy  may be a gateway for better understanding for both of you.
Moni
Oh, after all my denial, I was able to overcome shame and guilt and I am happily transitioned, very happy with my partner of all these years. It is possible. Not to say it is your path.

I've been married for 23 years and I told my wife I was a cross dresser before we married. At the time, my understanding of myself wasn't fully realized and society was very much against it. Come 21 years later and the trans beast rears its head. After therapy with a couple people, reading books and scientific literature I've come to understand I was born this way. I can remember being 4 or 5 and wanting to be like my mom. It's not a sexual thing, but gender identity. During development in the womb, testosterone increases to cause male development and if the timing or amount is off, a male fetus will develop a female like brain. Due to varying circumstances, the degree of female will vary. Socially, externally showing male genitalia has its consequences, of which deviating from which can cause many problems. We learn to hide it early on and many times express it secretly. The shame an inauthenticity can cause some to abuse drugs, alcohol and food, and we have a very high rate of suicide.

What this means for you, you have to decide. You've known this person as a man and that's how you see it and you have right to your feelings. If your spouse chooses to transition, there will be grieving process just as if someone physically died. I suggest your spouse see a gender therapist and both of you see a therapist familiar with these issues. Hopefully you and your spouse work something out that is amenable to both of you. It's a process and takes time. Your spouse has lived inauthentically for decades and the weight and dishonesty of that becomes unbearable for most of us eventually. I think as time goes on, social mores will change and people like us won't have to go through this, but that's probably beyond my lifetime. Understand that your spouse loves you very much as you're probably the first person they told and he wants to stay with you. Still, you have right to what you want and need to decide what you want to do. Good luck and if you can find it, read a book by  Jennifer Finney Boylan called She's Not There. It's an account of what you're going through and in that case there's a happy ending.


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Thank you everyone for all your insight and kind words <3