Well done, Rachel Lynn.  Seriously.  Pain from upper body surgeries can be really debilitating.  Even time we move out arms there is an unpleasant reminder. (No BA for me, just another damn cancer surgery.  Still hurt like heck.)

The pain meds help, but damn, that stuff is both addictive and toxic.  You are better off with that stuff gone if you can get by without it.  (I worry about this stuff from a family history with substance abuse.  I am scared to death of addiction.)

But, well done for getting through that week, and I hope the rest of your recovery is easy, smooth, and with happy results.

Hi Michelle, thank you and sorry about the cancer surgeries. You are doing well, so keep up the good work.

I too was concerned with the Vicodin. The last time I have Vicodin I had 2 with beer about 19 or 20 years ago. I am clean and sober 19 years. My family has addiction and depression issues too.

Papillion visit.
I had my bandages removed today. Dr. McGinn said she had to make two pockets with permanent sutures. My implants wanted to go down due to the weight loss and my skin not being tight. Usually she tells girls to not wear a bra and wear an ace bandage over top to drop the implants. I am the opposite. I am to wear an ace bandage for 1 month under with the addition of my sports bra which Dr. McGinn said was excellent and to order more . I need to not cause the implants to go down and break the stitches. She said I need to wait to exercise my chest for 3 to 4 months until my breasts implants are encapsulated. Do not push up in a chair or bed. She showed me how to move the implants over in the bra to make sure they do not slide on the side.

She said most girls say wow they look so big and then a week later are saying I should have gone bigger. She said it is just like a hair cut or color. She said the 555 cc was the max I can have or the implants could break through the sutures, which would be a bad thing, If I do not take care.

She said I am half under the muscle which will give some support. She said, "it is like a hybrid", half under and half over. The operation was 2 hours.

I have my procedure scheduled Monday November 20 at 10 AM. The procedure is to reduce the opening on the lower portion of my vaginal canal entrance.

Anyhow, I am done with BA and I have a chest now. My tops look better and I am happy. My chest is wide, 39" but I have done my best to feel better and look better. I gained 1.5 pounds of silicone last week and am still at 197/198 this morning , which means I lost 1.5 to 2.5 pounds last week. I have 17/18 pounds to my goal weight and 10 weeks to get there. I will reassess at 180 pounds. I will be looking at percentage of body fat. I can do cycling at the gym and some core exercised that involve squats and lunges , I can also do stairs. I will e-mail Papillion in 4 months to see when I can start yoga and do rowing and pushups and the like.

Well no lunch in New Hope Instead I had two tubes of juvederm in my lips and a little in my chin .I love the way it looks and it definitely makes my face look more feminine. Dr. McGinn said it takes 2 or three applications before it is permanent and this application should last a year.

Dr. McGinn said no more operations with her for 8 months then I can have my vaginal opening reduced in size at the bottom. The only other procedure I would consider would be tummy skin reduction in the future but that would be next year. Also more juvedem in the future. Maybe minor face tweaks as I age too. When doing the lip injections she asked who did my nose and I said no one. I have a nice nose.

I am preapproved for Dr. Spiegel for VFS in network and Dr. Haban out of network, I can file an out of network equivalent. Dr. Kim would be out of pocket because he is not in the USA. Political rant, I could have had FFS, BA, hair, voice and GCS in Thailand for what I paid for FFS in the USA, something is wrong with the picture, end Political rant.

Definitely on the raider is planning for Dr. Cooley round 2 hair. This will conclude my hair implant need.

So far Dr. McGinn was absolutely awesome in every way with my GCS and BA and lips
       
Dr. Spiegel did a great job on my face. There are some tweaks needed and I intend to have done. I do not look like I had FFS. I would have loved to look more female with a more shaped jawline but I have a round face. I think  losing 17/18 more pounds will help along with a bit of tightening.
       
Dr. Cooley was Awesome with hair graphs and I look forward to going back. The whole experience was great. Even going to North Carolina did not turn out too be a big issue.

Happy for u Rachel

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 17, 2017, 12:56:45 PM
I am preapproved for Dr. Spiegel for VFS in network and Dr. Haban out of network, I can file an out of network equivalent. Dr. Kim would be out of pocket because he is not in the USA. Political rant, I could have had FFS, BA, hair, voice and GCS in Thailand for what I paid for FFS in the USA, something is wrong with the picture, end Political rant.

So you got SRS, BA, hair transplants, and now VFS covered by insurance and you're complaining? 

Sorry, Rachel Lynn, I don't want to come across as bitchy, but the only thing wrong with this picture is you don't know how lucky you are.  I consider myself lucky to have SRS covered by insurance. Most transgender girls in the US don't even have that.  I had to fight six months to even get genital electrolysis covered by my insurance carrier. It took a letter from Dr. McGinn and three appeals to get reimbursed.  As far as FFS, BA, etc, it's 100% out of pocket for me.

Do you think private insurance is the problem? In the UK, trans people can literally wait years to wind their way through the system to get appropriate medical treatment, with little choice over providers. You got your choice of top surgeons and a hefty subsidy on your medical costs. Count your blessings, girlfriend. You have accomplished a lot, and I don't mean in any way to discount the strength and courage it took to change your life the way you have, but please, keep some perspective.

Meant with kindness,

Terri

Thank you Monica.

Hi Terry, you are right, thank you. I am very fortunate to work where I do and have the health coverage and the company trans riders that I have.  I was looking at it from a different perspective, I could have paid for the procedures if I chose differently. Looking at what I wrote I wish I could edit it because it looks bad. It was how I was feeling at the moment. A lot of time and money was spent and I could have saved time and money (other peoples money) if I had hind sight and did things differently. I was thinking of the outcome and combined procedure Warlockmaker had. I had just read her recent post and looked at her avatar and remembered her path. When I read her experiences when she was having her procedures I thought how strong and courageous she is. I had thought I could never do that. That was then and I think in retrospect I could have done what she did. I was also disappointed I could not go to Dr. Kim and have that covered (procedure only which is less than Dr. Spiegel or Dr. Haban). I was looking at it from a perspective of privilege, which is embarrassing.

I have been a little emotional the last week or so. I realize I am still in transition yet I am getting close to being done with procedures. I realize I will never pass but I was hoping to look more feminine. I also realize I most likely will be alone so I need to join things to do like LGBT hiking and make some friends to do things with. Perhaps volunteer at Philly Aids Thrift. I really dread the time my wife moves out. I feel bad about what I did to the family and I will miss them. I hope we can get together sometimes.

I am 10 days post op from my BA. Things are going well. I need to find out when I can remove the strips over the stitches. The stitches itch sometimes, which I think is normal. I am very please with the size. Big enough but not too big. It takes some getting use to. I need to keep using the ace bandage under the boobs for 20 more days and the sports bra for 3 months 20 days. Then I go bra shopping   Sleeping is definitely not comfortable with a sports bra and ace bandage.


My voice pathologist put me in touch with a woman that had similar procedures as me but in addition VFS with Dr. Spiegel. She sounds 100% female. She said her pitch did not change much and that her voice has less power ( ability to be heard in a noisy room) and was a bit breathy. She said she needs to use her trained voice but the low pitch is gone and if she forgets to use her trained voice she will not go into the male register. It is gone. She explained to me that a voice has a 2 octave range and the operation took away the low octave. I asked if she would do the procedure knowing what she knows now. She said she did not know. She said several times that she thought using a laser on a vocal cord is an art. I took what she was saying is that Dr. Spiegel may not have the art of the laser. The context was that her voice timber is as if the sound is produced on a thicker cord. When she had a consult with Dr. Spiegel after the voice healed he said the operation was a success. She had 7 months of voice pathology work with a trainer that works with trans before the surgery and 3 months after. She also said she spoke with the woman that is on Dr. Spiegel's website and she does not sound as good in a dynamic conversation. She said it is very much different reading a passage that has been read many times before and dynamic conversation.

With procedures I have perhaps voice which I am apprehensive to do and hair part two. I had bone work with Dr. Spiegel and my jowls are tighter than they were but are still not flush with the bone. I lost 20 pounds and my jowls look better. So one thought is to lose 20 more pounds, which is my goal, and see how my jowls look as well as my face. Maybe I just need to lose more weight. My BMI is 26.1 presently. I would love to get to 24 or even 22.

I was in the gayborhood today with my wife and we ate at Bareburger on Locust at 11th street (Buffalo burger on a sprout role and a baby greens salad with pesto). We love their food. Anyhow I was wearing a fitted top and shorts. I love how I can fill my top now; it makes a huge difference in how I feel about myself. My wife and I looked at a few houses for sale in the gayborhood and they are expensive and the taxes are high. $400/sf and taxes are $6/sf/yr.

What the above is about me making a revised transition plan:
-Lose 20 pounds to get to 178, BMI 23 a BMI of 21 would be a dream but probably too low.
-Hair transplants 2nd and final time, 2000 follicles.
-Hair cut and color, it is time.
-Do more investigating and thought on VFS and VFS doctors.
-Figure out if I want Dr. Spiegel to do work on my Jowls, it is a revision on my original FFS.
-Volunteer at PAT
-Make a few friends that I can eat out with and go shopping and go to places with.
-Participate in hiking through the William Way LGBT center.
- When I can get back into the gym and participate in group activities such as yoga, spinning, classes and some core work and light weights. Can I do chest work with a BA?

I found a trans woman that is licensed in electrolysis that charges $50/hr. I now pay $125/hr. I could save considerable money per month. I shall give her a try. She is licensed to do hair too. Huuuuum, this may work out well. 

Rachel,
   In the past you expressed a fear of being self conscious about having bigger breasts. Did you experience this at all? I have always heard people's eyes tend to gravitate lower with bigger boobs. Have you experienced this?
Moni
Want to send u some pictures if I can figure out how to.

Hi Monica,

Thanks to the inquiry.

I was self conscious for a week. I have been to a bunch of places and now I have my confidence back. I still have the thoughts in the back of my mind but those thoughts effect me much less now on how I feel about myself. Now I fill out my top. I feel better about my body than I did before. So feeling better about my body is pushing the feeling of self couscous of how others see me to the back of my mind. I am glad I had the BA.

Rachel this is Awesome news!  I am so happy for you. 

Sounds like the best possible outcome for a BA, as your confidence has returned and you now feel even more natural.  I think helps prove this isn't just about looks - it is how you are and how you feel.

Kendra, thank you.

BA, I have no pain what so ever, even when I get up in the morning. I still need to wear he ace bandage under my breasts until 8/12/17 and a sports bra until 10/12/17. My areolas have increased in size probably 50% and my nipples are mostly erect. There is some nipple pain. I assume that is from the pressure of the implant on the inside and the pressure of he sports bra on the nipple. I will e-mail Papillion to double check the bandage and exercise limitations.

I was eating lunch Friday and a guy I know sat next to me and started saying things about my BA. Things like you should have gone larger and you can not even see them and such. He went on for 3 or 4 minutes. I am thinking he was kidding but he had a straight face. There were 5 or 6 people eating and no one said anything. I am thinking of eating in the cafeteria for a little while.

Makeup, I wear light makeup at work. Usually concealer and foundation around my eyes, Mascara and lip stick. I paint my nail too. I add one new makeup feature when I feel comfortable. I have eye liner and contouring shades as future elements to add. Makeup at work needs to be light and done well. I recently learned using a neutral brightening powder under the eye keeps mascara from smudging onto the under eye (awesome tip).

Hair, I made a cut and color appointment for next Saturday at a salon. I need to think style and color. I am thinking a hair evening out and a very light brown or dirty blond color.

Next week I will have a face to face therapy session (1st time in a month due to BA and my therapists schedule) also I will be going to group, first time in 4 weeks. I really need to get into community. There are micro aggressions we deal with every day and some overt comments and ignorant people. Being in community gives me a time I can be myself and not worry about jerks. Plus, I miss the people at group. I may even try going to the later group too.

I am getting quotes and will be doing a skype with Dr. Spiegel about redoing the fat graphs in my upper face and correcting my jowls (soft skin). I believe this is in office and should be considered part of my past FFS. I also would like a quote to lift my upper eye brow to open my eye up. I believe this is in office too. I have questions forwarded to Dr. Spiegel about the jowls and eye. I also sent questions to the doctor about VFS. I also think I need to see Dr. Haban to have a VFS consultation. Perhaps I should also contact the Ye Son center too. I had smoked for 30 years, starting at age 11 or 12). I had a few years where I quit then restarted. I am 9 1/2 years smoke free. However, I read it changes the timber of your voice to a lower timber. My timber and pitch are ok but I could use a raising of both. 50 Hz rise and a lighter timber would be great. I am working with a speech pathologist for voice and there is so much to learn. I try to use all the voice aspects during the day but I find myself forgetting and omitting some aspects.

I may post a voice sample for feedback ( I have apprehension). I need a lot of work. I am also learning to correct the aftermath of vocal patterns from shuddering. Specifically, annunciation, slowing my speech and not dropping the ends of words (articulations) and opening my mouth more.   

I will be volunteering for the Philly Trans health Conference Sept 7-9.

I went to my therapist and group Thursday. It is really good to be back in community. I did not make the second group as my wife kept texting me that the power went out from a storm. I went home and the power had been restored. Next week I will go to both groups.

I scheduled 2000 more hair graphs for Sept 25. Then I will be done with hair. The 3500 graphs are coming in very well and I am pleased.

Breasts are doing well but the Ace bandage and sports bra are on my nerves. The nipples are very sore. I can not wait until I can sleep without a bra on.

I may have an issue as I keep obsessing on my face, oblique's and tummy ( I have lost 22 pounds). I had received a quote for more fat graphs and an upper eye lift from Dr. Spiegel as well as VFS quote; he will only do voice by itself. The fat graphs did not take last time so why would they take this time? If I do VFS I will get a quote from Dr. Haban and do some soul searching. I am having dinner with a woman that had VFS with Dr. Spiegel and I am very anxious to hear what she has to say. She also had a conversation with the person Dr. Spiegel has on his website for VFS. I look forward to hearing what her thoughts of how that person sounds. We had spoken briefly on the phone but look forward to hearing all of what she has to say.

I am trying a new electrolysis place next week. She is trans and charges much less per hour.

***** Warning- may be triggering***********
I feel lost and I feel alone. I do not know where to meet guys. The trans friends I have are great to talk to before and after a meeting but nothing more had developed.  I could go to a few places in the gayborhood but I think I would just end up being alone in those places. Worse yet they are bars and I am a recovering alcoholic.  I would feel out of place. I have always felt out of place and not part of the whole. Being trans and transitioning amplifies things or perhaps I am just confronting how I always felt. I cried a bit today in my office, on the way home and then had to wipe mascara off my lower eye lids as I needed to buy some supplies from the health food store.

When my divorce is final and my wife moves out I will be alone. Our daughter will live with my ex. I can not imaging being alone in my house after I come home from work. I have my sister as far as family. My niece and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nieces wedding. So, they are not in my family any more.

I am use to being transsexual and expressing and being clocked everywhere I go. I have no hope of fitting in that way. I have gained a lot of self confidence and have grown in inner strength. I would be nice to not get stairs though. In the gayborhood there are so many trans people do not stair, they are saturated with us. I just can not afford to live in the gayborhood. Nor can I afford to live close to the gayborhood. I will keep looking.

I just feel lost. I guess I want something else and I am looking to find a guy to provide it and that is not the answer. I need to find what is missing and if a guy comes along then so be it. I just do not know what is missing. I do know I do not feel complete and I feel empty. Perhaps it is my slow motion marriage and divorce wreck and I am just twisting month after month. I just do not know.

I was raised catholic and I stopped practicing at are 18 when I just could not stand it anymore. I definitely was living a lie. I have been looking on the outside in at Hinduism recently but there is much to learn and a god or gods are not appealing.  The thought that your thoughts guide your actions and crate your being, sounds about right. Meditation helps me but am I doing it right?

I am definitely on a journey.

Meeting guys can be difficult for CIS women as well. Bars are not the best place to look because many people are there for one night stands. On the other hand, I have been in many bars and only consumed soft drinks. Nobody really cares what you drink however the soft drinks are a bit pricy. Better bets would be church if you are comfortable there or contributing help at a local charity. It could be a food bank or some place like the local botanical garden. My mother works the botanical garden just because she can't stand being idle and as she sells memberships, she meets many people. One thing I have considered is joining the local tall club. You have to be a minimum height for that one but in my case, I meet both the male and female requirements. Try to look for activities where you meet the public in large numbers instead of doing something in the back room.

Rachel I am way behind you on transition so I can't recommend much, but an additional idea to meet people outside your circle of friends is local politics.  Not the intense stuff, but things like community planning commissions and other volunteer boards at the city, county or state level.  Pick something you believe in and you will meet people with similar interests, and that type of group tends to interact with many from the local area.  I bet you have organizational and other skills they could really benefit from.  And you might get to know someone where the interest turns to a coffee down the street and then dating, or a friend-of-a-friend thing from a connection made there.  Just an idea. 

Rachel,
   You have just begun this new part of this journey. I would be open to things that interest you. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. I think if I was in your situation, I would try dating sites. There are good and bad stories, but it is a place where people do meet. Frankly I have been married so long, I know I would feel kind of lost at first too.
Love to you my friend,
Moni

Thank you Dena, I forgot about volunteering, thanks. I think I will try PAT, Philly Aids Thrift. Mazzoni has a food bank and I wonder if they take volunteers for that.

Thank you Kendra, I forgot about volunteering. I though about joining resist in Philly. I was nominated for 2 volunteer positions, one with the City and one with the State but I was not chosen.

Thank you Monica, I really love my wife and will miss her, the friendship and companionship. Dating sites, huuuuum, I am 55 and a transwoman that does not pass. I guess I could try it in time. I am going to North Carolina and perhaps India if I can get good airfare. There is a transman that I know and he offered to go to both places with me. He has a partner. I feel really odd, is he offering to be nice or offering to be nice and more. I would like the company but I have meet his SO and I would feel horrible if something happened. I also know myself and I do not know if I would say no.


Bars, I thought about drinking diet coke and going to the bars. I walked past a few gay bars last summer on a Friday night. The fronts were open on a few and I could hear the drone of the voices, I imagined the smell of bear and stickiness of beer on the floor. I know myself and I am an alcoholic. It really is safer to stay away. 

It finally happened last night. When I was injecting I hit a vein and when I withdrew the plunger it filled with blood about 1/10 of a cc very quickly. I pulled the needle 1/2 way out and repositioned hitting a nerve. I repositioned and this time no blood or nerve. I injected and felt a bit faint. I laid back in bed and it quickly passed. Pretty cool, I review in my mind the injection steps before I inject. I feel really good I was able to not freak out and take care of business.

I am divorced. The notice came today in the mail.

Another step on the journey.  For me it was such a relief.

Rachel,
   I don't want to minimize the emotional impact of this for you. Mourn  for a bit if you feel the need, then throw yourself into moving forward. It will get easier.
Moni

Mary and Monica, thank you for your support, it helps.

I was a sad when the letter arrived. For the last 5 years it has been difficult for my ex-wife. I really threw her a curve ball. I guess divorce is what you make it. She is still living at home ( I bought her out) and paying all her bills. I will need to have a conversation about that. We have a reservation in the gayborhood for dinner at a Mexican place this weekend.

She is waiting for monies from my pension and retirement fund and then move out.

Big hug! Sorry, Rachel. It is true that when one door closes, another opens.

Hugs, Devlyn