Hello Im Jazmine,   Dont really have a story. I have a lot of confusion. I'm 46 years old married. No problems with the marriage, just problems with me. I have no one to talk to, no one I know would understand. I come from a strong religious back ground. I feel like I've been suppressing feeling since elementary school. Not sure how to deal with what I'm going thru and afraid of loosing all that I have.

Welcome Jazmine.

I know where you come from. I also am afraid of losing everything. I am married. Not open about being trans.

I was also confused in the beginning when I found out about the word transgender. It caused me to crash completely. But I recovered and today I am much more sure this is my path in life. But. BUT I don't want to lose my family. I look like a butch/tomboy and my husband loves me but I'm not sure he would if I tell him I'm a guy. He says he is not gay.

I'm at the beginning of admitting to myself I feel something more than what I am. I've always waved off feeling telling myself that they were perverted or fetish. My wife is my best friend and I've shared some feeling with her. I can see the pain in her when I bring up anything. I quit talking to her about anything and I think she hopes the feeling have gone away.

Hi Jazmine!
I'll start right off by disagreeing - yes, you definitely have a story.    And in your two posts here I see quite a bit of positive.  If you and your wife are close that is awesome.  I know you don't want to risk messing up what is working well, but by having your wife already know some of your thoughts you opened some very important doors.  Nobody but you can answer some of these questions, but what I have found has worked for myself is to look at the experiences of others, and find areas that might provide insight into my own thoughts and background.

Based on what you are saying, I recommend you should consider seeing a therapist with experience in this area.  They might be able to help assure you - some of your feelings might not be that unusual, and you may have several options to explore more in your future without losing what you have.  Some paths require potential changes and risk, some less so - and it's best to have information to help you make good decisions. 

You definitely have people to talk to.  I am glad you're here. 

Kendra

Hi, Jazmine!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I also had a strung religious upbringing, which made admitting my true nature to myself very difficult.  I didn't really put a name on it until I was 32.   I made the mistake of suppressing myself for another 30 years to avoid making my wife uncomfortable with me, but came out with essentially a breakdown at age 62.  Even then, my wife was very uncomfortable with discussing my being trans and we ultimately were divorced recently.

Seeing a therapist for yourself is a good start, to assist you in processing your self-discovery.  Keeping communications open in any way possible is vital to keeping the marriage, but that requires the cooperation of both parties.  Joint therapy, spousal support groups, anything like that can help.

I have some more general information about Susan's Place to share with you.

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Hi Jazmine,

Welcome to the site.

Thanks for sharing. It helps us all and maybe you too. I was similar. I knew something was off from before or around 8. I couldn't put it into words. Although the Presbyterian church is very liberal compared to others(especially now, depending on where you live), I felt wrong and perverted. I kept thinking I could just be stronger. Thought it would go if I got married, had kids, was a better person, gave more, believed harder....

I too married my best friend. I have three kids 15, 17  and 19. About two years ago at 50 I hit a similar wall to what Michelle spoke of. Well, two years later and I am a much nicer, happier easier to be around person. My wife admits that. I thought I could stop part way along this path and it would be enough. I thought I could push it off till my kids were all out of high school.

The couple things I have learned so far: you cannot win against trans feelings, they always come back; people surprise you with their support(my kids, siblings and immediate supervisors know); when I got so I could feel great and happy, I discovered I could go to much darker places and need the help of a support team. Mostly my support team is my therapist, my wife and my endo but there are some sweet people here too.

Not all stories turn out how we want them to. I don't know how mine will yet.  I do know that once my wife understood more, she will not let me revert and detransition. She is not sure we will end up together but hopes we will. I guess that is as good as I can hope for.

Anyway, welcome to Susan's. Post if you have any more questions or help. We are family. Not all get along but that is normal in families. Join in.

With warmth,

Jacqueline

Hi Jazmine, I'm so happy that you have decided to talk about your feelings and emotions vs suppressing it (I think most of us have had our fair share of suppressing our emotions and even our dreams). I'm prolly going to be the coldest person to answer your thread but, in my case, I had to lose everything in order to find myself. My advice to you is: all things considered, would the people you are afraid of losing want you to live your life as someone else other than your true self? If your answer is "no" then, kick the bucket, get out of your comfortable zone and find your measure of happiness. Good luck love; we will be here if you need us.

Btw: when I decided to be myself, I thought I lost it all. Now, after a few months, I have found that I did not lose my loved ones; it was my fear of losing them that kept me thinking I was alone. Love goes beyond gender identity, and your loved ones may just still love you after all.

Thank you all so much for the advice. Lots of hard choices, I know there's no safety net. I will look into a counselor.  Easy to talk about feelings thru a keyboard  talking out right to a person seems very intimidating.

Hi Jazmine 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

  hugs 

Hello and welcome to the forums.  There are some great people here that you can talk to but nothing beats a good therapist. Good luck.

Welcome, though I'm newer here than you . I wish I could give you a hug bc I know how distressing the 'losing it all' vs actually following what is inside you is... Which is on top of the distress internally that can come from bodily incongruence!  Here's hoping for us all finding support that we need in finding our paths!

<3
Mariah

Hi Jazmine!!! Welcome to the site. I'm also a newbie so if you need to talk let me know!

Quote from: Jazmine on July 25, 2017, 05:05:38 PM
Thank you all so much for the advice. Lots of hard choices, I know there's no safety net. I will look into a counselor.  Easy to talk about feelings thru a keyboard  talking out right to a person seems very intimidating.

Jazmine,

Yes. Lots of hard choices. On the upside, even if you wanted to go fast, this is a marathon. It is a game of shocking moments or big moments and decisions then waiting.

I disagree. At least at first, I found sharing feelings through the keyboard was very scary and hard. I think it is a brave action when we get to that point. Then the next one talking. Then  and then and then. Tough the whole way but it gets easier.

Chin up.

With warmth,
Jacqueline

Hi Jazmine,

  I'm Laurie, Mtf and 64. I see that you are yet another person I failed in my duties as a self appointed unofficial greeter. I'm sorry. (perhaps I should fire myself) Anyway Jazmine welcome to Susan's Place and you do have plenty of folks to talk to. I hate to have to agree with that Kendra person, but she did say it first... You do have a story to tell. All of us that find our way here to Susan's have a story to tell, and you are no different. I'm going to assume you are also transgender but noticed you have yet to admit that to us here in print. Could it be that you do not wish to admit it to yourself because that would make it too real? Well Hon, if you are trans, if is definitely real and you need to address it.
   I am in agreement with all the good advice you have already received especially the one of seeking  gender counseling. Talking to a professional who is well verse with the issues we face is nothing but a positive. Find one a be honest with them and with yourself from the start. It is very therapeutic and relieves some of those pent up feelings you hold inside. Be honest also give the therapist the information they need to assist you explore your feelings and helps them provide options and solutions. Don't think about or worry, just do it.
  And Jazmine we are always here for you, always.

Hugs,
   Laurie

welcome!