Hello everyone, I am Mariah, a female living in a man's body.  All my life since my earliest childhood memories I wished I could have a female body.  Growing up it was literally my "one wish".  I didn't like playing with boys and loved to talk/play with my female friends.  I dressed up in my mothers/sisters clothes and wigs, loved when my sister and her friends thought it hilarious to put makeup on me, did what I think most trans girls do in front of the mirror etc.  In highschool I was jealous of girls with big hips and their ability to wear dresses.  Unfortunately I grew up in a very intolerant city and family so it was secret to everyone.  As I got into the workforce I ended up in the aircraft maintenance field, extremely testosterone filled and crude environment.  I ended up continuing to craft a male persona I hated and it became 'me'.  I didn't know why I could never look in the mirror and not hate myself, but I knew part of it was I felt like a liar and didn't even know why.  From there I met my wife and got married and we now have a little child going into toddlerhood.  Everything has been stirred up by being the primary caretaker often and realizing how much I always wanted to be a mommy all my life.  Digging deeper the last three months with therapy and group therapy I know myself better than ever, I didn't even remember all those things from growing up.  I'd been dissociated from my body most of my life and as I began to feel myself again, my body literally told me I have a vagina/small legs/breasts.  I still can't feel my male genetalia as male when I try.  I've found I have a feminine voice I never imagined I would and when switching back to my male deep voice I am repulsed.  Wearing women's clothes gives me a chance to feel pretty in the mirror, waxing some small areas was amazing.  Makeup is amazing.  Wife isn't happy about the waxing I did and said she would be very pissed if I shaved my legs or arms (I've always loathed my body hair since it came into my life)  The rest is all in private though.  I've been struggling very hard, as my life/career/friends/family are 99.9% not trans friendly (I have 1 friend states away that is a sympathetic ftm I know from college). and the church is a big part of our lives (that's a mess for me too) life is built on being cis and I can't stand the need to lie all the time now that I'm more in touch, but choosing to follow the truth inside me means every angle of my life being greatly damaged.. I've made side comments to my wife only to realize being a 'she her hers' is a divorcible event, so I shut up. She asked me "you still identify as a man, right?" and that lie I made in return was painful.  Even though I'm now corporate, my coworkers hate, and I mean hate, trans people, my church is full of people claiming trans and gay people destroy the fabric of society and I used to think that too.  I'm in such a bad place, thankfully I have understanding and supportive therapists and NP.  I've come here in hopes of finding people who understand.  I'm successfully fighting the suicidal and self harm thoughts because my daughter deserves a daddy or a second mommy more than she deserves the heartbreak of nobody.  My therapist reminds me to stay in the moment and that I don't have to decide anything quickly of course.  Thanks for reading and I hope to meet some of you on here soon.

Hello Mariah and a warm welcome!

I am so glad you are working with a therapist.  And you have been at group therapy which adds an important dimension.  We are each unique but have remarkably similar aspects to our stories.  I have found so much in common among all of us, including people who are FTM and individuals who aim to be permanently gender neutral. 

I am MTF and have lived in the Seattle area since 1968.  The company I joined in 1991 specifically protects "gender expression." 

We provide information to every new member and I will add it here.  This is to help keep everything running smoothly.

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Mariah, I don't have all the answers but you will meet others here in very similar situations.  For my own transition I have found it incredibly helpful to read the experiences of others, and to be able to directly ask questions.  And I believe you will be of great help to others as you share your experiences and solutions. 

All the best,

Kendra

Hi Mariah,

   I'm Laurie MtF and 64. (don't believe the things you might hear about me) I want to welcome you to Susan's Place. (Hug) Come on in and get comfortable. You may be here awhile. There are many of us here that began like you having those feeling of not quite belonging with the guys and preferring the company of the girls. I too grew up with several sisters and borrowed their things.  And I also grew up knowing that it was wrong for a boy to want to do such things though it seems you may have been in a more difficult situation.
  Having these desires while married is truly a struggle when your spouse doesn't understand how powerful our desires to be women are and how much damage it does to us when we cannot indulge in at least some of the things we want to do. I think I would have been far worse with my dysphoria had I not been able to crossdress at home. My ex tolerated it. But that was the extent of it. Problems that may or may not have been related  added up and we divorced more that 20 years ago.  My personal problem with life didn't end there and I didn't come to the realization that I was trans until last November and I started transitioning in December. Today I'm learning to live life as myself in the open. I'm no longer hiding in the shadows. I'm out and full time now and life is good and getting better though there has been some collateral damage and that does hurt.

  Anyway Mariah I'm glad you are here and hope to see a lot more from you. You have a good therapist and you'll find friends and support here.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Mariah 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Welcome, Mariah!

I'm 47 and FtM. Many of your experiences overlap every trans person, which I know doesn't make things easier, other than to know you are not alone. Knowing one is among like minded people who understand takes a huge load off. I had no idea about being trans or that there were others out there who felt like I do until just a few months ago. My way of dealing with it was to just not tell anybody about how I felt since I was sure I'd be judged as mentally ill.

It's a hard road, but it is good that you are seeing a therapist and are taking part in group therapy. That is a huge support system already. Susan's Place is also invaluable as you progress on this road. It's a good bunch of people here.

Welcome once again!

Mariah,

Welcome to the site.

So much of what you write is familiar and so much is not. The tendencies to be with girls, hiding it, creating a persona, hating, hating , hating the mirror (for me pictures too). I am lucky to be in a job, area and with my family that is okay with me. My wife would rather it not be the case but will not have me stop and go in the other direction.

the amazing thing is how much more happy and positive I became. I think any of us can have a shift in mental clarity and perception with acceptance and moving forward.

I wish you luck. Continue to reach out and ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Jacqueline

Thank you so much for your kind responses, it is comforting to meet others who can relate and have so much experience.  It is also wonderful to have people responding to me by my feminine name very special to me.  I can relate to becoming a much clearer thinking nicer person as I accept myself, as well as my future struggles you have all already faced.  I'm glad you are all here, doing well, and helping others.  It gives me much needed hope and knowledge that people do survive coming out to their wife/closest friends/full time even, even after the consequences of admitting what you've suffered with and the dishonesty with yourself and others.  Thank you so very very much.

Mariah