When I look back over the last 50 years and see how the influence being trans and in denial, has shaped my life. It is astonishing at the level of influence this has had in my life . Many of the good as well as the really stupid things I have done, have been driven by my GD. Not knowing I could find relief...but knowing I had to keep trying until one day I found that HRT really did work....there is no going back for me because there is nothing back there I want.

I was protected by my male self and he did a marvellous job of keeping me alive under some very trying situations. He is still there and finally starting to find some peace.

@ElizabethK That's it.

As I said to the OP, no one gets "champagne taste on a beer budget"!

Quote from: missmolly on July 30, 2017, 06:58:29 PM
..

.. what am I worried about? I guess I am worried about losing me. I am a really sentimental person. I like to go back and look at all my photo albums and pics of myself from the past. I get kind of sad, almost like I will be "killing" my male self. You read a lot in trans communities about how many hate their male selves. I don't.

..When I think about my male self going away, its sadness.

..

Losing me. I was afraid of that too, but maybe less so because I never really presented as female. I was always too masculine for that in so many ways. And yet, this is a persona that has been with me all the 47 year of my life. It has been good to me. While I don't love my female body, I love the person inside it. That person cannot be killed off by a flood of different hormones. I will look at photos of myself from childhood until now, and I know who that person is on those photos. It's me and will forever be me. I don't feel the need to kill my past.

My SO fears that the female part of me will die as T takes over. But she is wrong. It won't. Whatever female aspects I had I will never lose. I expect that I will forever have feet in both camps; I feel comfortable among males ( not the macho macho ones which seems so fake to me and possibly is) and I feel comfortable among females. I will simply be a different kind of man, just like I was a different kind of woman.

Why should the male part of you die? You will simply be a more rounded female, having as much masculinity about you as feels good for you, balanced by the feminine that you feel is and should be dominating your life.

I say, celebrate the whole person that you are. The past, the present and the one that is yet to be.

Quote from: missmolly on July 30, 2017, 06:58:29 PM
Thanks for the replies everyone so far.


So if I am not worried about losing my job, family, friends, or anything like that, what am I worried about? I guess I am worried about losing me. I am a really sentimental person. I like to go back and look at all my photo albums and pics of myself from the past. I get kind of sad, almost like I will be "killing" my male self. You read a lot in trans communities about how many hate their male selves. I don't.

At the same time - each time I think about my life as a woman once I fully transition and go full time - I smile from ear to ear. It's like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, only longer. I experience this jekyll and hyde of emotions - when I think about my female possibilities, its euphoria. When I think about my male self going away, its sadness.

I like to think of myself as a blend of my past, my present and my future. I am who I am and I can't wish it away or bury it. I like to think of it this way. I got on a canoe and frantically paddled my way across a raging river to make it to the other side. Once on the other side I got in a second canoe and paddled off in a new direction. What happened to the first canoe? Who cares, it served it's purpose.


What can I say about my past life? Well he tried, he really did. He did everything that was expected of him and then some, but in the end he stopped functioning. I am a classic example of the 'bell ringing' categorical imperative type of person. When it happened I just went and did it and didn't look back. What kind of life could I or would I have had if I had not changed? Who knows. I could have been happier or maybe not. I just know that I am quite happy now.

I haven't worried about what I lost because I am still human, and I am now more human than before.  Some things I've lost or will lose were clutter in my mind's closet. 

We are each unique, but I wish anyone with the issues I had could discover and experience the benefits I am now encountering.  I don't want to paint too rosy a picture - of course everything hasn't been smooth sailing.  This is mountain climbing. 

I have never felt as alive as I do now.

I read your post and thought I could have written that!

I too have a great male life.  Yes many men would gladly swap places. I had a great career and retired at a young age. I was exceptional at what I did. I play sports and one in particular I'm in the top 1%.  It's a big part of our social life (yes I'm married to a very supportive wife). I do not want to give up my male lifestyle.

On the female side I'm very passable get out and about all the time.  I go everywhere, eat at fine restaurants, play sports, go on vacations, go to movies.  I get hit on by straight men everywhere I go. I'm very lucky in the body size and looks department.  I had some minor FFS to help. I thourghly enjoy my time as Vicky. At home I dress as Vicky 100% of the time.  I get out and about on average once or twice a week.

I wish I could have a female body and still have my male life.  That unfortunately would never work.  I could hide the vagina and just have small boobs but losing the strength would impact my sport.  That may sound trivial but the entire community we live in is centered on playing this sport. Our Winter home is the same way.

Knowing all that I still tried Hormones for a month this year but stopped as I also had doubts. It was like a test.  Do I really want to go down that path?  I finally said no.  But later this year or sometime in the future will I start HRT again?  I don't know. 

I have a blast living both ways. I think at this point what I would lose just does not outweigh what I would gain.

I know this probably does not aide in resolving your indecision but let it be known you are not alone.

Thanks again everyone for the replies. I think making this post helped me be more at peace with my decision. Took my spiro and 1st half of estrogen this morning. I know I am doing the right thing by transitioning and it looks like I just need to get to the point where I am at peace with doing so. I think its completely natural to have doubts, especially early on when nothing has changed.

My plan is to present male and not come out until I am completely ready to go full time. That includes letting HRT do its thing, growing my hair out, hair removal on my face, and perhaps a cosmetic procedure like a rhinoplasty or breast augmentation. So I am looking at several months ahead of me before I even consider switching over to a female presentation and coming out. 

You have basically described my situation perfectly.. I have a great life as a male.. lots of friends beautiful wife I'm considered good looking for a male I get hit on by women and checked out on a regular basis. I Excel at my job a lot of men would envy what I have but like you I have wanted to be a woman my entire life. When I get checked out by woman I'm not looking at them as a potential mate I'm jeoulous of them and wished I looked like them.. so I have this constant internal battle of wanting to be a woman more than anything. But my male side keeps saying are you crazy you have been blessed with this great life as a male why would you want to throw that away to be an average to ugly trans woman who will contantly be descrimimated  against have a hard time finding and keeping employment and basically make my life hard when it's easy now.. I constantly struggle with these thoughts it makes me depressed often but all I know to do is keep moving forward In the process of getting on hrt now I'm going to start it and see how it goes I'm so tired of the mental termoil I have to do somethomg

What you pointed @Randy1980 is in fact, really interesting in a way.

Quote from: Randy1980
I have this constant internal battle of wanting to be a woman more than anything. But my male side keeps saying are you crazy you have been blessed with this great life as a male why would you want to throw that away to be an average to ugly trans woman who will contantly be descrimimated  against have a hard time finding and keeping employment and basically make my life hard

I know this analogy wouldn't be perfect, but I think it may work.

Imagine suddenly you feel hunger. You're really hungry.

Now, for whatever reason, it's not really important what is, you start arguing that you shouldn't eat. You can elaborate as much as you want, and get a perfectly neat, complex, consistent and rich reasoning about why not to eat.

To you does it look like because got that, is your hunger going to vanish?

Exactly Wednesday and that is why im going to keep going even though my male side is trying to stop my I know the "hunger" my dysphoria and wanting to be a woman will never very go away no matter how hard I try to stop it or surpress it. I've tried and always fail and just end up more depressed than before. So the woman in me is going to make me transition this time. It's just really hard but one step at a time

Like a few others in this thread, as a man, I am looked up to as a man's man, very marketable. Unfortunately, many of those features (build/jawline etc.) will make it more difficult for me if and when I decide to transition. I talked about this with my therapist a few weeks back. To come out as Transgendered would be throwing away my "male privilege" and making my life "harder" in many ways. But not living my life as who I am isn't that filling. The social standing I would continue to enjoy as a man would be hollow, since I would be living a lie. Currently I am trying to see if I can balance the two, but ultimately I suspect there will have to be a choice. 

I have some thoughts on this that may not sit well with some others here. I gave a similar opinion on another website forum months ago and I got hammered (well, that may be a bit strong, but I digress...). I am the typical "I knew I should have been born a girl since I was 5" person who kept it hidden in spite of having a girly shape and personality growing up. I managed to have a career of sorts, get married (no kids), divorced, etc. Yes, the desire to transition never went away (it got stronger, as everyone knows it will). However there was/is simply no way I could go all the way to full, coming-out transition. Simply no way. The reasons are too numerous to detail here. So I am transitioning totally in the closet and I live as a female only while home. HRT has worked wonders on my body and I am having a terrible time hiding the changes now at 43. But so far, I have done okay. I love my feminine life at home. But seriously I may not be able to hide much longer. My breasts are noticeable in any shirt I wear now. My body is more female shaped now than ever is is getting more so every day. I really hope my breasts stop growing soon, but I am in a growth spurt right now, so there's that...

If I were to give advice to someone in your position in life, it would be quite "simple." If you have a stable good paying job, maybe you shouldn't rock the boat in an obvious way right now. Work hard, save as much cash as you can, invest well and hang onto it. Save! Save! Save! Because of the world political situation and the economic instability worldwide, we are way overdue for a "reset." The next bubble (I have been told numerous times) will burst and will explode much bigger than 2008. In the next few years things are going to change in a big way (I know a few semi-experts on the subject – yes, they could be wrong. I hope they are). Those who have money saved up will do much, much better than those without (yes, I know that is true in any economy. But I think today's situation is much more dire). Knowing what I know now and if I were your age with a good job, that is what I would try to do. Good-paying jobs will get harder and harder to find and keep. I know too, that we can't all live with constant "what ifs" in everything we do.

Luckily for me, I don't live a lifestyle that would ever require me to remove my shirt such as swimming at a pool with friends. I am shaved over all my body and my breasts are way too big after 15 months HRT. I assume at your age and the fact that you are athletic means you will sometimes need to go shirtless. You may want to get married, have kids, etc. Living privately as a female like I do is out of the question, I am sure(?).

I have known a lot of people over the years who have had to deal with lifelong hardships that are much more difficult than dealing with transition questions as we do.  I have known people who have become blind, paralyzed, lost a limb, cancers, etc. then have to deal with these hardships for many years. Maybe this kind of discussion/opinion is not proper here. Apologies. Depressing, certainly.

Summarizing for me, my body (and my brain) has always wanted to be female. Always. My body was already mostly feminine but HRT has added so much. I cannot go back now. But, again, I am AMAB during the day and so far I have managed. I love my "secret" life and it's how I live it. It's not for everyone who really wants to transition. Anyway, I wrote all this very quickly (short on time) and probably didn't explain some things very well. Apologies again....

Quote from: Shellie Hart on July 31, 2017, 02:24:06 PM
If I were to give advice to someone in your position in life, it would be quite "simple." If you have a stable good paying job, maybe you shouldn't rock the boat in an obvious way right now.

This is pretty much the plan. Start HRT, and present male for as long as possible, until I can't do it anymore. I got my last male haircut July 6, so I still have a lot of hair growing out to do. I have facial hair, currently sporting a full beard, but its thin and patchy, its not a typical thick caveman beard so therefore I think I can hold off on laser for a while also. By the time I get breast development it will be colder weather so I will be able to wear layers. My voice is not deep at all, so I can hold off on voice training as well.

Hoping to continue to present male for a year or so until I make the switch. We will see.

Quote from: missmolly on July 31, 2017, 02:42:24 PM
Hoping to continue to present male for a year or so until I make the switch. We will see.

Its been around 9 years for me now, and I'm thinking of presenting male right until I get FFS. I  like what Warlockmaker did by having SRS, FFS, BA and social transition all at the same time.