So, this whole transgender military ban, I guess I should be thankful for it, in a way, even though I am totally against it. My family is pretty big on the military, so I knew it would eventually be discussed, just didn't expect it to happen so soon.

Pretty much, they did not hold back on their very negative views of not only transgender people, but the entire LGBT community, my mom's words were something along the lines of "Well, I can understand gay, or lesbians, or bisexuals, but transgender is just insane." As of when I walked out of the house, they were still making jokes about transgender people.

Like, I knew my brothers and dad didn't have the best views on the LGBT community, I just didn't expect it to be so bad, and didn't expect my mom to also share those views, since she has told me in the past that she has transgender friends and is okay with it.

I guess there goes my plans of coming out, I will probably just start working very hard on getting my driver's license and focus on getting out of here before I bother trying to come out, as much as I hate to risk cutting my family out of my life.

Not even counting that I was already kind of feeling bad since I experienced my first bit of transphobia directed at me(long story short, posted my opinions on a pro-LGBT YouTube video, got told to go kill myself).

I am also very thankful that I didn't leave my transgender related tabs open when my brother used my computer last night.

So... This sucks.

sorry

I am still closeted trans, but my brother is an out gay man.  I can't speak for your family, but I know that my parents' (especially my dad's) views on homosexuality changed pretty quickly when my brother attempted suicide and then (after failing to kill himself) came out to my parents in the ER.  My dad used to talk causally and make jokes too, but he did a 180 degree turn when my brother came out and it became personal. 

My point is that sometimes when an issue seems far away it is easy to disparage it.  When it hits close to home, those opinions might change (especially in the case of your mom....who seems more open).  I don't know your family, but I just wanted to share my experiences.

Probably because they arent educated enough on ->-bleeped-<-.

Just think how recent being gay was a huge deal and now most people just accept it.

That said, I do think you preparing for the worst is a wise move but don't expect your family to suddenly disown you.

Hell, Ive made jokes about transgender people and stupid comments before I educated myself on it (which incidently led me to realise that I am trans)

keep your chin up, you cant not be who you are

Avinia it is unclear to me why trumps twitter proposed ban is something to be thankful for?  That the subject exposed some family prejudices does not mean you must remain closeted.  Keeping transgender people out of public life is just what some of these bigoted people want.

It is not easy but i encourage all of us to stand up and be visible and tell your truth out loud.  The truth is that people like me who are transgender have always served in the military and always will.  I was in the US Army as a 17 yo volunteer and an 18 yo soldier in Vietnam.  I met many of other queer people while I was in.  There are plenty of people like me and some have written books about their special forces experiences.

This isn't new.  Some inept and cowardly bullies, like a man who got deferrals for a "foot thing" are in office, and, will use one of the most maligned and marginalized minorities, US, as a political tool to whip up his base. 

Stand tall, tell the truth and be proud of yourself.  If we wait for our friends and families to accept us you might end up like me.  Starting transition at 60 and still finding that prejudice and discrimination abound.  It's your life, own it!

I think baseballfan makes an important point.  Sometimes people express strong opinions that have nothing to do with how they would treat their child or sibling if the unthinkable became a reality in the life someone they love.  I wish I could say this is an absolute, uncontested truth, but I can't.  It's impossible to predict how people are going to react.  The words they spoke today may be a clear indication of how they would speak and/or treat you, but it may not.  Their love for you may trump (Dare I use this verb?) or modify those harsh attitudes and words.  At least I hope so.  All the best.

Sorry about any confusing stuff in the OP, that was literally about 10min after their discussion, so I was kind of freaking out and just saying my immediate feelings, I am not thankful for Trump's tweet, because it is really bad for the community and my own situation(a long term plan of mine was to get my associate's and enlist in the Coast Guard), but I have been doing a lot of thinking on that end the past few days.. So this combined with some hate directed at me just all combined into me kind of "breaking down" briefly.... also having a hard time with some social anxiety starting again due to realizing college is starting at the end of August.

I do think that you may be right, that a lot of it is just because they don't know any transgender people directly in the family. I think a bit of it might have also been a kind of peer pressure, or following the crowd moment, since my older brother kind of started the discussion and he is already very open about his views.

I know that my parents are from a generation that being gay or transgender was pretty much ignored, and that they seem to have been somewhat homophobic until one of my cousins came out, so my hope still is that me coming out will help change their views.

After having some time to think about it, I think this situation may just encourage me more to come out, but acknowledge that my family will need a lot of time to think about it once I do come out.

Thanks for the replies.

 Thank you Avinia for your thoughtful and personally responsive reply.  I must also admit this is a triggering topic for me.  I am most delight to know that you are considering going to a community college.  I am an elected community college trustee and wish to encourage you in any way on your smart choice.  Please feel free to PM me if you need any assistance.  I live near Astoria OR a Coast Guard city and also consider the Coast Guard the best uniformed service outfit around.

You are wise to understand that actually knowing someone, maybe a family member, who is transgender can make a big difference in furthering the growth of empathy and compassion.  Best to you!

You missed an opportunity to educate your family and take a stand. Don't worry, there will be more opportunities


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I can definitely say my navy career has not made my transition any easier. Being stuck on a ship for months at a time you get to learn what the people around you really think and it is not always pretty. Often while I was going through my therapy and having to wait on doctors I questioned if I even wanted to go through with my transition because I would often think back to my last deployment when a marine was accused of murdering a transwoman that he picked up at a bar during a port call in the Phillipines. I knew that transphobia was rampant and can even become dangerous, but I feel something this important shouldn't be avoided because of fear and anyone who can't accept you isn't worth being in your life.

Honestly, I initially took it as an affront to my service (which it is), but I then think I saw it for what it was: a way to divert attention away from his own negative attention and toward those that he knew were misunderstood and/or hated by his supporters.

Quote from: SiobhánF on July 30, 2017, 08:07:44 PM
Honestly, I initially took it as an affront to my service (which it is), but I then think I saw it for what it was: a way to divert attention away from his own negative attention and toward those that he knew were misunderstood and/or hated by his supporters.

That's unfortunately very true. The trans-community was already hated by many if not most of his supporters and this just happened to happen at the same time his administration is failing to repeal obamacare.

As much as my mother hates gays and lesbians, she completely accepted me as her daughter. You never know how amazed you might be unless you try it.

Avinia, something for you to consider: the sooner you tell your family, the more time they have to know the real you.  If you abstain from talking to them about your concerns they may feel you're consenting to the behavior.  My suggestion is to become as well educated as you can on the topics (People who are trans, as well as transgender service and service members like myself).  Then, have that difficult conversation with them where you explain your feelings, and your thoughts.  It'll be hard, and it probably won't be pleasant, but the other option, of avoiding the conversation forever, is unrealistic, and unhealthy.

I hope you can find peace with your family, and good luck!

Quote from: baseballfan on July 29, 2017, 12:46:09 PM
I am still closeted trans, but my brother is an out gay man.  I can't speak for your family, but I know that my parents' (especially my dad's) views on homosexuality changed pretty quickly when my brother attempted suicide and then (after failing to kill himself) came out to my parents in the ER.  My dad used to talk causally and make jokes too, but he did a 180 degree turn when my brother came out and it became personal. 

My point is that sometimes when an issue seems far away it is easy to disparage it.  When it hits close to home, those opinions might change (especially in the case of your mom....who seems more open).  I don't know your family, but I just wanted to share my experiences.

I agree.

Quote from: Tessa James on July 30, 2017, 02:44:43 PM
Thank you Avinia for your thoughtful and personally responsive reply.  I must also admit this is a triggering topic for me.  I am most delight to know that you are considering going to a community college.  I am an elected community college trustee and wish to encourage you in any way on your smart choice.  Please feel free to PM me if you need any assistance.  I live near Astoria OR a Coast Guard city and also consider the Coast Guard the best uniformed service outfit around.

You are wise to understand that actually knowing someone, maybe a family member, who is transgender can make a big difference in furthering the growth of empathy and compassion.  Best to you!

This is spot on. They are often uncomfortable because they don't get it and don't know anyone.

Hmm... probably should have made the college part a bit more clear, I am actually on my second year in community college, just have been going through a period of not really knowing if what I am studying is what I actually wanted to study.. looking back at when I declared my major, I kind of did what I am currently doing with my gender identity, bending the pressure and expectations of those around me, so I ended up choosing a music major. I knew by the end of the first semester that I had made a mistake, but was too afraid to take the leap into exploring other options, and am now about a semester away from graduating, and know 100% that I am changing my major to culinary arts as soon as I can(yeah, giving up on music this close to the end looks bad, but I can not stand another semester of sitting in front of a computer).

For the military end of things, I guess thinking about it now, it doesn't really effect me directly since I don't know if I was able to enlist anyways, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease as a child(thinking about that brings up all of those memories of going to the hospital multiple times trying to convince my parents that there was something wrong "down there", I am now remembering the endless urine tests). But still going to try my best to educate people about this whole thing, because being silent will increase the possibilities of other negative things happening to the community.

Overall, I am tired of staying silent about these issues, and hiding my true self from the world, especially considering I totally told myself over the last 5 or so years that I can put off coming out until the next year, which if I came out back then, I probably could have been transitioning by now.

Once again, thanks for the replies.

I'm thinking of how best to educate your family about what being transgender actually means. Is there a video out there that is a fictional story about this issue? It could be a good entry point.

My sister had to tell me that it was OK to be gay by taking me to a movie about two gay guys many years ago when I was about 18 and she was sure I was gay. She was kind of right that I was gay because I didn't know about being transgender at the time    Still, I think it was a nice way of her telling me that in my family being gay is OK.

Movies can be good starters for further discussion about specific issues.

Quote from: Avinia on August 01, 2017, 12:15:26 AM
Hmm... probably should have made the college part a bit more clear, I am actually on my second year in community college, just have been going through a period of not really knowing if what I am studying is what I actually wanted to study.. looking back at when I declared my major, I kind of did what I am currently doing with my gender identity, bending the pressure and expectations of those around me, so I ended up choosing a music major. I knew by the end of the first semester that I had made a mistake, but was too afraid to take the leap into exploring other options, and am now about a semester away from graduating, and know 100% that I am changing my major to culinary arts as soon as I can(yeah, giving up on music this close to the end looks bad, but I can not stand another semester of sitting in front of a computer).

For the military end of things, I guess thinking about it now, it doesn't really effect me directly since I don't know if I was able to enlist anyways, I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease as a child(thinking about that brings up all of those memories of going to the hospital multiple times trying to convince my parents that there was something wrong "down there", I am now remembering the endless urine tests). But still going to try my best to educate people about this whole thing, because being silent will increase the possibilities of other negative things happening to the community.

Overall, I am tired of staying silent about these issues, and hiding my true self from the world, especially considering I totally told myself over the last 5 or so years that I can put off coming out until the next year, which if I came out back then, I probably could have been transitioning by now.

Once again, thanks for the replies.

I look forward to toasting your graduation then.  Right now there is a huge change in direction for community colleges.  It seems that many people who have started at a 4 year institution or even have their BS are applying to Community Colleges as we have the defined pathways to career options, including culinary:)

Saying silent has also been considered complicity of a sort.  It was only after coming out and the dramatic relief I felt that I realized how much work I had been putting in to do the man act.  I suggest you too will feel considerably better.

This is a tough one and reminds me of many experiences I had in my own home growing up.

On the one had we gain more rights and allies by being out, loud and proud.  On the other hand, we risk the financial and emotional support that family offers us if we are.

The path I chose was to wait until I was financially independent from my family before coming out to them as gay in 1994 at the age of 36 (which was, believe it or not, and owing to the difficulties of my journey, when I finally felt financially secure enough to do so).   Would they have abandoned me as a teen if I had come out earlier? I'll never really know. I do know that they never created a safe space for me to do so and I always feared they would abandon me.

Looking back I'm not sure I would have done it differently.