Hi all,

I'm a 26 year-old closeted trans girl and have a question for the community here -- I've been experiencing terrible fear of going through with transitioning, even though at this point basically all the signs seem to be pointing towards that.

I guess I was hoping to write briefly about my life experience and ask if anyone had any thoughts.

The first distinct episode of wishing I was a girl that I can remember was when I was 5 or 6, and my first episode of (non-sexual, of course) crossdressing occurred around the same age or perhaps even a little younger. I have assembled and discarded 3 or 4 full wardrobes of female clothing. Last year I very nearly began HRT with my doctor (he was literally about to write me the prescription when I chickened out.) And then I hooked up with a guy for the first time and it was like really good in a lot of ways but also very confusing and painful. So it's become something I can't really ignore any longer -- it just keeps disrupting my life and causing drama.

In day to day life, I don't experience wanting to be a woman as an ongoing second-to-second thing. But I do think about it a few times a day typically. And the more time I've spent in therapy and meditating and getting in touch with my feelings, the more unavoidable it's begun to feel. And the more I've begun to actually want it despite the potential costs to me socially.

Anyway, the tl;dr I guess is that I'm afraid to transition, have always wished I could be feminine and felt kind of frustrated at my body for not just being that way, and am scared of the social costs (familial, employment-wise, friendship & relationship-wise). And I'm scared of the money costs, too, frankly. My insurance will def get HRT and the state may cover surgery, but that wouldn't include stuff like face work afterward and my financial sitch would probably not bear that currently.

So my tl;dr got long af too.

If you're down to tell me what you think, I'd love to hear your opinion. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely whatever time of your day it is.

Hun, follow your heart, we all are in different stages of transition, and what you feel like is enough, you'll know. Once the hormones start, you may change your mind, just make sure that it is what you want.

Sent from my SM-S820L using Tapatalk

Firstly, Welcome!

Secondly, fear of disrupting social life, employment, financial etc. It's a common and reasonable fear but none of it will necessarily eventuate to be justified, or it will be minor or major. Whatever happens, it can be dealt with, and it's best to be prepared for the worst scenario.

What is far more certain, is that your inner female will make herself known and will want to have what is due to her: freedom. The longer you wait, the worse the potential impact: you might end up getting married and have kids, and yet the woman inside you will not be shoved back into the fog - this is the worst case scenario, because then you will have made massive social and emotional commitments to your wife and children and all that surrounds their lives. Not good. This happens to so many transwomen here and it's not a great place to start the transition.

The earlier you figure out what is best for you, the better the long term outcome, as long as you can do the 'figuring out' with an experienced gender therapist.

That's my perspective.

Good to have you here and I do deeply wish that you are able to find a way out of your dilemma; most of us have been in a similar situation, so we can relate to some extent.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Many of the people on this site don't require facial work. I have never had it because it wasn't available when I transitioned (did have a nose job but it was pretty bad). Much of the time, hair, makeup and acting like you belong is sufficient to pass. Unfortunately we are the last ones to see ourself as feminine in the mirror. It took me near two years of RLE until one day I looked in the mirror and saw my mother looking back at me.

There is something else as well. When you are in RLE, you develop an attitude where you are comfortable with yourself and you don't care what other people think. That's important because you are doing this for yourself and not for other people. Just be proud you have overcome difficulties that CIS people never have to face.

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.


I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Thank you all very much for the support. I found what you said very touching and helpful.

Later, when looking at ->-bleeped-<-'s Transition Timelines page, I had a moment where I was just filled with excitement and happiness at the idea of being able to actually transition... the results of modern hormone therapy are frankly rather surprising.

Anyway, sent a message to my Dr.'s office requesting that we resume getting HRT going. I'm very excited!!!! And like freaked out. But stoked.

Thanks all, take care. 

Baby Steps

Transition is not an "All or Nothing" proposition. I try to look at "Transition" as just what the word means, to change. I make changes that NEED to in order to manage my GD as well as balancing all the other needs, wants and desires in my life which are important to me.

In many ways I am lucky in that I don't (yet) have a need to transition. I've seen other's that have needed to and know quite a few where transitioning was the only viable option left to them, sort of suicide. Desperate times do also call for desperate measures and sometimes you just have rip off the elastic plaster, aka Band-Aid, or jump into the deep end of the pool

Hi, I'm Julia. Welcome to the site. If you decide to transition you need to start hrt ASAP. Even if you're not sure about transitioning you should start taking testosterone blockers. They will prevent any more damage from testosterone. By damage I mean male characteristics that will be harder to deal with later. You also need to realize that even if you start hrt it takes time for it to change you. You won't get boobs like over night or anything. And just because you start hrt you don't have to come out to everyone. I started hrt when I was 17. I still had a year of high school left. Everyone assumed I was just a fem gay boy and that was enough for me to deal with without coming out as trans. The first year I was on hrt only my family knew. Once I started to get boobs I just wore baggy clothes. The other changes were subtle. When people see you every day they don't really notice slow changes as much. In my case I was androgynous to start with so the changes were less noticeable.  And Also hrt takes a few years for maximum results.  If you do start hrt and then decide you don't want to transition, you only need to stop taking it and the changes to your body will reverse. No one but you really knows if you need to transition.  But read some of the stories here about women who started late. Transition has been a lot harder for them.

Good luck
Julia

Hi, I'm a trans guy, so I can't speak for the experiences of trans women, but one thing you said really stood out to me:

Quote from: minor7flat6 on August 02, 2017, 12:50:29 AM
In day to day life, I don't experience wanting to be a woman as an ongoing second-to-second thing. But I do think about it a few times a day typically. And the more time I've spent in therapy and meditating and getting in touch with my feelings, the more unavoidable it's begun to feel. And the more I've begun to actually want it despite the potential costs to me socially.

I think there's this common misconception that we all (trans women, men, nonbinary folks and anyone else under the trans umbrella) feel like we were "born in the wrong body" and spend every waking moment wanting to change it. For some people, this does ring true, but for many it doesn't. In some cases, our gender may come secondary to other things in our lives that demand more frequent/immediate attention (for example: family, work, social life, unrelated illness, mortgages, personal projects etc.) And for many of us, the feeling of gender dysphoria gets pushed to the side - partly because it's something that you might feel that, either consciously or unconsciously, you can ignore or "deal with later" (as opposed to say, household bills for example, which have a time limit, and other day-to-day things), partly because the feeling may have come along so gradually over a long period of time that we didn't realise it was happening, or it may have always been there, so we're accustomed to it, and accustomed to shunting it aside.

But what you've described is something I see often: trans people questioning if they really want to transition, because they don't spend "enough time" thinking about it. It doesn't mean you're not trans. You don't have to be thinking about it all the time. There is no criteria for how much time you spend thinking about it, or how much it burdens you. It varies from one person to the next, may even vary from one day to the next, and can and probably will go up and down with time and experience. It sounds like transition could definitely be an option for you, only you can answer whether it's right for you or not.

Quote from: gooseberry on August 02, 2017, 10:08:37 AM
Hi, I'm a trans guy, so I can't speak for the experiences of trans women, but one thing you said really stood out to me:

I think there's this common misconception that we all (trans women, men, nonbinary folks and anyone else under the trans umbrella) feel like we were "born in the wrong body" and spend every waking moment wanting to change it. For some people, this does ring true, but for many it doesn't. In some cases, our gender may come secondary to other things in our lives that demand more frequent/immediate attention (for example: family, work, social life, unrelated illness, mortgages, personal projects etc.) And for many of us, the feeling of gender dysphoria gets pushed to the side - partly because it's something that you might feel that, either consciously or unconsciously, you can ignore or "deal with later" (as opposed to say, household bills for example, which have a time limit, and other day-to-day things), partly because the feeling may have come along so gradually over a long period of time that we didn't realise it was happening, or it may have always been there, so we're accustomed to it, and accustomed to shunting it aside.

But what you've described is something I see often: trans people questioning if they really want to transition, because they don't spend "enough time" thinking about it. It doesn't mean you're not trans. You don't have to be thinking about it all the time. There is no criteria for how much time you spend thinking about it, or how much it burdens you. It varies from one person to the next, may even vary from one day to the next, and can and probably will go up and down with time and experience. It sounds like transition could definitely be an option for you, only you can answer whether it's right for you or not.

I'm not worried about the what ifs, just the when I can get this started, I'm 41, but look young in the face, just need to exercise to loose that man gut (5' 9", 300lbs broad shoulders, could have been a center in football (american) or a pro wrestler with my build). Gonna be a long journey, but worth it. I'm not expecting to be small and dainty, but more fem would be a plus. I'm separated from marriage 7 years, her choice  (I was husband #6) and don't have kids. Not dating, but would be nice to have someone around that understands, not necessarily needing a relationship, being an introvert that I am.

Sent from my SM-S820L using Tapatalk

Quote from: gooseberry on August 02, 2017, 10:08:37 AM
Hi, I'm a trans guy, so I can't speak for the experiences of trans women, but one thing you said really stood out to me:

I think there's this common misconception that we all (trans women, men, nonbinary folks and anyone else under the trans umbrella) feel like we were "born in the wrong body" and spend every waking moment wanting to change it. For some people, this does ring true, but for many it doesn't. In some cases, our gender may come secondary to other things in our lives that demand more frequent/immediate attention (for example: family, work, social life, unrelated illness, mortgages, personal projects etc.) And for many of us, the feeling of gender dysphoria gets pushed to the side - partly because it's something that you might feel that, either consciously or unconsciously, you can ignore or "deal with later" (as opposed to say, household bills for example, which have a time limit, and other day-to-day things), partly because the feeling may have come along so gradually over a long period of time that we didn't realise it was happening, or it may have always been there, so we're accustomed to it, and accustomed to shunting it aside.

But what you've described is something I see often: trans people questioning if they really want to transition, because they don't spend "enough time" thinking about it. It doesn't mean you're not trans. You don't have to be thinking about it all the time. There is no criteria for how much time you spend thinking about it, or how much it burdens you. It varies from one person to the next, may even vary from one day to the next, and can and probably will go up and down with time and experience. It sounds like transition could definitely be an option for you, only you can answer whether it's right for you or not.

Thank you so much for saying this.  I have been questioning all this so hard lately that I've been in a kind of downward spiral.  Some times I'm obsessed with how much I want to transition, but there's a lot of stress and other things that require my attention most of the time, and so I 've been feeling so lost.  Hearing your comments about how it gets pushed to the side really helped to put it into perspective for me, so thank you for that.  I'm going to remember that for when I finally talk to the military team in two weeks to get my transition started.  Thanks again!

~Love, Ashley