Quote from: NoName01 on August 06, 2017, 03:15:04 PM
  I am in therapy, so I have been down that "else" statement in your test. I think therapy has prolonged my state of confusion and made me think that I might be something I'm not.

As I had previously shared, Therapy is no more therapy than oatmeal is a steak. Both foods mentioned are in fact food, but perhaps not what you need nor of the same quality or nutrition value. Perhaps what you need is a completely different therapist with a completely different tact and emphasis. I've no idea, but perhaps the therapist you have is causing your confusion. Since they're obviously of no help, it may behoove you to find another Doctor and begin afresh? It certainly may be of more value than coming here and shouting your denial. Not that we don't want to help, but we may be unable to offer you anything of value.

It may be that the HRT was having more effect than you thought.  That is quieting the dysphoria to the point that you think it's gone or that you have it conquered.  Since you have stopped the HRT you will have an answer soon enough.  For all of us who have tried that the crippling dysphoria and depression begins to come back pretty quickly, within a matter of weeks if not sooner.


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Noname you were here a year ago as jayne01, I thought I recognized your didactic style from

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207772.0.html which ran on for some 27 pages of people trying to help you.

We exchanged a few PMs as well, welcome back.

You're not being attacked, rather I'd say being called on being a bit obtuse and failing to listen to advice. You come here, spout off a lot of stuff that trust me goes against the experience of almost all of those here and pick and choose which points made you'll argue with and not actually argue those fairly (i.e. strawman as I said before).

Now I have choices as to who I chat with, spend time on. I care about all people but I'd rather take time with those where my effort seems to generate some positive outcome. I'm unlikely to post again here, as we already had these conversations and as far as I can see they had not much effect then or now.

Best wishes, I ran myself around for a good long time before I accepted being trans but pass on medical intervention. That decision lasted me about 16 years by the end of that I was back in suicidal depression and decided to first start HRT and then prepare for GCS. I'm now 3½ months post-op, much happier, my relationship not only survived but we are doing better than we ever have (18+ years). I sincerely hope you work it out but I'm also not going to enable another run-around.

And I thought "I" catastrophized my gender issues. Jayne, you have deal with your emotional/anxiety response to all of this as welll as any gender issues. I accept that I am trans now. And I don't have to do anything about it, I don't have to transition, etc. The acceptance alone has brought me some peace. It was worth it.

I'm glad you have made you mind up. The stress this was causing you was evident. If at any point, you change your mine. You will still be welcome.

Identity Crisis' is difficult, And I realy am glad you have found some piece. Enjoy it wont you

Quote from: NoName01 on August 06, 2017, 09:29:09 AM
What do you mean by "do everything else"?

Crossdressing, support group, binding if that's your thing, vocal training, working on mannerisms, any hobbies or interests that allow for gender expression or reinforcement, like masculine things if you're ftm. Discontinuing HRT and dropping the previously preferred pronoun is taking only two steps back. It's not starting back at the beginning.

Thank you all for your time. This thread has obviously run its course and has turned into something I didn't intend it to turn into. I thought I had finally found done peace but it seems that is not good enough because that peace did not come the way it did for some of you trans folks. My communication skills quite clearly suck. What I thought was good news for me has turned into an argument. I am sorry that I am such an offensive personality to some of you.

I now understand why I kept deleting my previous accounts. I end up getting increasingly frustrated at my inability to adequately communicate what I am thinking/feeling and that frustration is reflected in what I write. People then misinterpret what I say and misunderstandings happen.

Once again, I apologise if I have offended any of you in any way.

Hi Noname

I just read through a good portion of this thread and I can see you really are having a hard time. I am no different to anyone else here, I didn't want to be trans, I wanted to be a cis male but I found out pretty quickly that I could not have that. It wasn't working for me...after 50 years the noise should have stopped if it was ever going to but it didn't. it just continued to get worse.

HRT was not the answer, crossdressing wasn't he answer, therapy wasn't the answer, cross living wasn't the answer but a combination of all those actually was. Maybe you need to do a combination of things to help you get past this part of your life.

You are not doing anything to your wife, that implies intent...you have no intent to hurt or distress her. Your intent is to do the opposite. This is part of the reason you have so much difficulty as the person you love with all your heart and soul is also the person that will, apart from you, be affected far more than anyone else. I had some real difficulty with this, I was lucky that my wife got some therapy and accepted that in order for us to both be happy...(if I was unhappy then so was she)...then transition was the best solution for us both. Not the only one but the one with the best outcome.

I hope you find your peace, whatever that may be.

Quote from: ElizabethK on August 06, 2017, 07:15:27 PM
Hi Noname

I just read through a good portion of this thread and I can see you really are having a hard time. I am no different to anyone else here, I didn't want to be trans, I wanted to be a cis male but I found out pretty quickly that I could not have that. It wasn't working for me...after 50 years the noise should have stopped if it was ever going to but it didn't. it just continued to get worse.

HRT was not the answer, crossdressing wasn't he answer, therapy wasn't the answer, cross living wasn't the answer but a combination of all those actually was. Maybe you need to do a combination of things to help you get past this part of your life.

You are not doing anything to your wife, that implies intent...you have no intent to hurt or distress her. Your intent is to do the opposite. This is part of the reason you have so much difficulty as the person you love with all your heart and soul is also the person that will, apart from you, be affected far more than anyone else. I had some real difficulty with this, I was lucky that my wife got some therapy and accepted that in order for us to both be happy...(if I was unhappy then so was she)...then transition was the best solution for us both. Not the only one but the one with the best outcome.

I hope you find your peace, whatever that may be.

Thank you Elizabeth. It seems that you have best understood everything I have been trying to say. Therapy on its own has not entirely worked for me. It has helped in some areas but not in addressing the trans issue. I had tried crossdressing and it generally made me feel quite depressed. The HRT, as I have mentioned has had zero psychological effect. The thought of starting to have physical changes (ie breast growth) was freaking me out. Neither my wife or I have noticed any physical changes, but both my therapist and endocrinologist have told me that my face is starting to look a little different. So I stopped taking the hormones before I permanently ruin myself. I guess the next few weeks will show if the HRT was having any psychological effects. I'm not expecting anything since I have not felt any changes while I was on the hormones.

Since stopping the hormones and telling myself that I am not trans, I have found some level of peace. From what I understand, you cannot "will" away being trans, which is another reason that I don't think I am trans. If I was trans, I shouldn't just tell myself that I'm not trans and be at peace with that. I'm not entirely at peace with not knowing what has been happening to me, but it seems to be manageable not knowing.

Quote from: NoName01 on August 06, 2017, 07:34:45 PM
Thank you Elizabeth. It seems that you have best understood everything I have been trying to say. Therapy on its own has not entirely worked for me. It has helped in some areas but not in addressing the trans issue. I had tried crossdressing and it generally made me feel quite depressed. The HRT, as I have mentioned has had zero psychological effect. The thought of starting to have physical changes (ie breast growth) was freaking me out. Neither my wife or I have noticed any physical changes, but both my therapist and endocrinologist have told me that my face is starting to look a little different. So I stopped taking the hormones before I permanently ruin myself. I guess the next few weeks will show if the HRT was having any psychological effects. I'm not expecting anything since I have not felt any changes while I was on the hormones.

Since stopping the hormones and telling myself that I am not trans, I have found some level of peace. From what I understand, you cannot "will" away being trans, which is another reason that I don't think I am trans. If I was trans, I shouldn't just tell myself that I'm not trans and be at peace with that. I'm not entirely at peace with not knowing what has been happening to me, but it seems to be manageable not knowing.

Hiya, yes you can indeed tell yourself that and it will work, for a while - it's called denial. How long it lasts, is uncertain, and varies person to person.

An indication that it's no longer working is simply to keep a tally each day of how many times you need to remind yourself - the more times it happens, the less effect it has been having.

Anxiety around change is understandable, and for some that fear is so profound (myself included), that it can drown all other feelings. I need heavy sedation for procedures that are simple for most, and it's crippling, not mention expensive, inconvenient and generally bad for my health. The question was do I endure months/years of chronic panic attacks, or find ways to cope - my choice was guided by that.

You're always welcome, and we'll always try to help - even if the wires do get a little crossed sometimes.

You are part of our family, always will be.

Rowan

It might be a state of denile you in at the moment, but truth be told, we (you and ourselves) Wont know that untill if and when these feelings surface again.

I wouldnt worry too much about what might happen. Just go with how you feel right now. If you ok and can continue as a you are, then that is what you should do.

If these feeling arise again and you need some more insight in order to understand, or continue not understanding, then that is what you should do to.

You are you no matter what we say, and dont feel as though you should be any different on acount of that.
The road to personal development is all about making changes to better youself. And if not stressing yourself out trying to understand if your trans or not is cripeling, and not focussing on it improves youquality of life. Who are we to judge.

If their comes a time, you need to make other changes to improve the quality of your life, then who are we to judge
Is said before, I hope you are happy moving forward without focussing on this.

Take care. And dont forget about susans, its here if you need it again

I don't know of you were expecting some kind of magoc remedy, bit that doesn't exist. You won't feel like a floating butterfly; probably more like a sinking rocking once all the wonderful female side effects kick in.

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