I've never had any internal sense of gender at all. I learned to play along as a kid for the sake of survival, but deep down, the concept has always seemed completely arbitrary and alien to me. I believe that most people do have some kind of sense of gender, or else why would people make such a big deal over it, or go through transition for it? Nobody here is lying! But it's not something that I personally can understand, since I've never experienced it.

That's why I identify as non-binary. I don't understand the basis for all these assumptions and social expectations, and want to avoid them from being applied to me as much as I can.

I could write a long essay on this topic--I've thought about if often--how my life would've been different had I lived it as a woman?  The risk in answering this question in brief is that doing so will highlight gender stereotypes, so I will own that I do retain (and have lived) some of those stereotypes.

First of all, to have been born a genetic woman, I would have had far more permission to be pretty, to wear stylish clothing, wear makeup, jewelry, etc.  I would not have felt the same pressure to fight, to be tough, to perform in competitive sports, etc. that I did as a boy (growing up in the 60's).  I would have had and would now have more vibrant and satisfying social relationships.

I know that there are cis women who are not, or choose not to be, very feminine.  But for me, being a woman would allow me the freedom to express all the femininity I feel (and reject all the masculinity that repulses me).

At this point it means to be treated more appropriately.

That is not to say to be treated better, because I do not believe the world treats men kindly at all. But I am treated in a way that makes sense to my mental wiring. I am too damaged to want to go on to take a traditional place in society, but at least I should be able to decide from here how best to serve what there is.

I guess above all it's about personal independence and capability, and being able to survive what is thrown at me.

Quote from: ds1987 on August 08, 2017, 06:07:02 PM
But what does being a woman, day to day, in your life and your future, with your loved ones and amongst strangers, mean?  What does it look like? 

Where do you see yourself in the grand scheme of womanhood?

I've never really fit into society, I'm a quiet individual that tries my best to avoid people.  I don't think that would change, I would rather remain private, and enjoy the same things I do now.  I would probably spend most of my time as I do now, pursuing hobbies, playing around on the computer, maintaining the household chores.  It is kind of funny, at one of my jobs as a housekeeper many years ago one of the nurses I worked with told me I would make a wonderful house wife one day    I'm more or less a house wife now, pre transition, I clean the house, do the laundry, prepare meals, and take care of the family.  My wife values that about me, because she hates doing all of that stuff.  Not that I am saying the modern woman is a stay at home wife, or even aspires to.  That is just my role.

I don't think what I would do would change very much, I would probably not buy elaborate outfits, spend a ton of money on cosmetics, and try to put out an image of what society places the ideal woman as.  Being a woman to me, is just being more comfortable with my body, it is solely for myself, and not society.  I don't expect that much is going to change, other than when I look at myself in the mirror, I won't feel as out of place.

I'm a very sensitive individual, so I don't see myself going out as a woman a lot regardless, if I don't pass.  Even if I were to be able to pass, it would be a hard task to accomplish.  I don't know if HRT will have any effect on me in that area, if it would make it even worst, or perhaps if I could see myself in the mirror and be comfortable with myself, I would finally be comfortable with how the rest of the world sees me.

I know my limits, and I know people have way too much control over how I feel about myself right now.

Once I start to transition it will mean a great deal. the 1 st is like many others freedom . I think another one is looking in the mirror and seeing the body that matches how I feel (finally after 50 years). Being treat by others especially strangers as a woman. I'm not sure which of these 3 top the list maybe they  are all equal.

It is very hard to separate what being a woman means to me from how people treat me.  And maybe those two things are so linked that they can't be separated, but I'll try. 

To me, being a woman means being pretty.  Not just in my body, but in how I express myself, how I dress.  Being connected to beauty, expressing beauty.  Being a woman means being in touch with my feelings, and not being afraid to show them.  Of being able to open up and let people in, and offer comfort and warmth.   Of walking through the world in a more open and exposed form.  It means dropping a weight I've been carrying and taking off the armor that I wear to protect myself. 

It means being compassionate, gentle, sensitive.  But it can also mean being passionate, that I can take these feelings, and the beauty that I'm a part of and sing them from the depths of my soul, catch fire and burn bright and hot.   I think of the image of the X-men character Phoenix. 

okay, hehe, I'm definitely spilling over into silly metaphors now   I also want to mention that I am firmly in the 'not sure' camp in terms of coming out, though I am working hard on this.  I think exercises like your question are very good things to consider and turn over in my mind.  Thanks.

-Dana

Oh wow, I think I got kinda distracted and thought you were asking about the 'feeling' of being a woman.  I went off in a sorta other direction 

In my day to day life, what I really want to do is to hang around the the backyard and have social gatherings eat food, drink wine and laugh.  I want to be a little more flirty with my friends and loved ones, to show them I care about them.  Somehow, when I think of being a woman, dressing nicely with a bit of color, and projecting that into a smile for the people I care about, I just imagine I can express and comfort them by channeling that energy toward them.

...

geez, I guess I sound like a space cadet no matter how I talk about it

-Dana