I don't think it is strange, it's just part of the process.   

fetish = guilt

early stages of transgender = guilt

When I began to understand and accept who I am the guilt began to vanish.

Tbh friend. I too used to fetishize my feelings from about ages 15-18. And even today i still; harbour deep shame about it. There is one silver lining. I had questioned my gender and wanted to be female before age 15 and after age 18 so that realization helped me. However, those fetish feelings were intense as they helped me cope wit dysphoira and the shame of possibley being ''one of them''. Sometimes, it is a survial thing.

Quote from: markie on July 31, 2017, 09:21:34 AM
Strangely after I came to terms with being being  in the transgender spectrum a lot of fetishism  just melted away

I think it's too early to tell, but I have been experiencing this in the last couple of weeks. I haven't felt the urge to search for forced fem, etc. memes, porn, etc. Last Saturday I could dress for a couple of hours. I did a lot of searching on the psychology of ->-bleeped-<-, FFS before and after, electrolysis, etc. Near the end of my time, I decided to fulfill my erotic need but it was kind of an afterthought, fulfill my habit. It wasn't the main focus of my mind during my dressing period. And the forced fem, etc. eroticism has minimized somewhat and what has come to the forefront the last few times, is my imaging I'm a woman during sex. I've done that before, but it used to be the "forced" scenarios were dominant in my mind.

Amanda,
I can't say if you are similar to me or not, but this is how I experienced the place you find yourself now. I had strong feelings that I wanted to be a woman, but when I couldn't live as a woman, or present as a woman, or even tell anyone about what I thought was the true me, it was very frustrating. Add to that I had a normal male sex drive. So, what did that frustration look like. Dressing was something I was driven to do. It was pleasant and comfortable but unsatisfying and guilt producing. Why? Well,  it was only a representation of what I really wanted, a paper image and not the real thing which is what I needed. This was stressful because you sit there thinking, "I am indulging in this thing that should make me happy and it doesn't. WTF?" On top of that you have the sex drive  with all these fantasies that could be considered weird (back then.) One common fantasy was someone or something feminizing me forcefully. When you consider the guilt I had about all this, it makes perfect sense. After all, I got to be female and it wasn't my fault, someone did it to me. No guilt, awesome! So many crazy sexual thoughts came out of frustration at not being able to be who I needed to be. I see so many people think, "If I am truly trans, why do I have all these sexual fantasies about it? It must be a fetish!" Well, I think, many times for trans folks their normal sex drive is squeezed and distorted because of the unnatural situation of having to live a life that doesn't fit. I think this causes so much anxiety for new folks trying to figure themselves out. Maybe it helps to know that there is no ideal trans scenario. So many have these confusing thoughts. If you are or aren't trans, it is something for you to figure out. Just don't let the fact that you have sexual fantasies make you think you are not genuine. I like your idea of trying things and seeing how it makes you feel. That is so smart. If I had convinced myself I was a fetishist, I would not have found my truth. Explore.
Moni

I don't see fetish as bad and for the most part I don't feel guilt over them but then I started out pretty kinky. I'm not saying I didn't feel shame at various steps along the way but that was more about others judging me, family, friends, wife. As most here have said my dysphoria first made itself known as fetish and after many years of hiding my desires even from myself because my partner not only didn't share my interests but she felt free to castigate me for having the ones I did.

Today I'm lucky enough to live in a city that's mostly populated open minded people and so finding like minded friends isn't hard. My partner knows all of my fantasies and is glad to share in the ones she shares and to have me engage the (very few) she doesn't enjoy with others.

Hrt changed a little, mostly it's taken the edge and urgency away, leaving deeper pleasure. There is porn I am less attracted to now and I'm more inclined to enjoy lesbian scenes, but then it's hard to find any of that that's well or realistically produced given as that market is so driven by male clientele who don't enjoy seeing realistic lesbian sex.

I'm just starting on my journey of working out my gender issues, so please pardon anything I say that might seem ignorant (I have a lot to learn!).

I was reading the original post, and have seen many other posts on this forum that seem to have a focus on looking a certain way or wearing certain types of clothing.

Here is my question: if you end up transitioning completely to female and find that you don't end up looking the way you hoped for, would it crush you? The clothes you wanted to wear are really unflattering on your figure; would you be crushed? This is a serious question I have, I am not trying to make an argument with anyone. It is a question I brought up with my therapist this week when discussing different goals and expectations. I wondered out loud what if I get to where I think I want to be and it's not everything I hoped it would be? Would I want to give up or keep going?

Anyhow, just wondering if anyone experienced a reality shock at some point in or after transition and how you dealt with it.

I think you asked an excellent question, not ignorant at all.  Things we can learn from you.

Right now I'm having a really hard time with my MTF voice which isn't terribly low, but - having started formal voice training I now realize just how badly my voice misses the mark.  I am going to try my best to adjust, I don't tend to give up easily - but some physical limitations are difficult or impractical to overcome.  Yeah I know there is VFS (and very few surgeons with consistently good results) but that isn't an automatic answer.  I bet very few of us thought about our voice when we were in fetish mode.

Quote from: WhatAmI? on August 12, 2017, 12:38:24 PMwhat if I get to where I think I want to be and it's not everything I hoped it would be?

[cue Rolling Stones...] You can't always get what you want.

That's just a fact of life, for everything, not just for transitioning.  The fully transitioned me may not be everything I wanted, but it will be a lot closer than the pre-transition me.  That sure wasn't eveything I had hoped for.

Quote from: Kendra on August 12, 2017, 01:06:12 PM
I think you asked an excellent question, not ignorant at all.  Things we can learn from you.

Right now I'm having a really hard time with my MTF voice which isn't terribly low, but - having started formal voice training I now realize just how badly my voice misses the mark.  I am going to try my best to adjust, I don't tend to give up easily - but some physical limitations are difficult or impractical to overcome.  Yeah I know there is VFS (and very few surgeons with consistently good results) but that isn't an automatic answer.  I bet very few of us thought about our voice when we were in fetish mode.

Thank you for the reply. It's nice to hear from someone further down the road who can give real life examples. I don't think appearance or clothing rank very high on my list of concerns, but they seem to be common topics.

I have the same questions. Thank God I managed to afford removing my tattoos. I put on weight up high in the torso, don't really grow a belly. But, this makes me look more manly. I've always hated that. I stopped lifting. Next thing is to lose weight. I guess you don't know until you try.

Quote from: WhatAmI? on August 12, 2017, 12:38:24 PM

I wondered out loud what if I get to where I think I want to be and it's not everything I hoped it would be? Would I want to give up or keep going?

If you give up, what will you do with the feelings that led to you to a complete transition to begin with? Just have them fester and consume you?

Quote from: WhatAmI? on August 12, 2017, 12:38:24 PM
Here is my question: if you end up transitioning completely to female and find that you don't end up looking the way you hoped for, would it crush you? The clothes you wanted to wear are really unflattering on your figure; would you be crushed? This is a serious question I have, I am not trying to make an argument with anyone. It is a question I brought up with my therapist this week when discussing different goals and expectations. I wondered out loud what if I get to where I think I want to be and it's not everything I hoped it would be? Would I want to give up or keep going?

There's some truth to the British approach of running 2 years of life experience test without even help of hormones. You should be comfortable in your presentation as you are, hormones and FFS are supplemental, but cannot change major physical characteristics (such as height, foot and hand size, and to a lesser degree body frame and weight) and you must be comfortable navigating day to day life still having those. If you success in transition is based on being 100% stealth, you're piling odds against you big time

To me, there's various levels of wishes/desire, loss, and grieving.  I don't know if I will ever give up the wish that I was born a genetic female, and I grieve that loss frequently.  Similarly, I know that I will never be petite or have the feminine shape that I wish was me.  And, since I've decided (for now anyway--never say never) that I am not transitioning (to save my marriage amongst other reasons), I've given up the wish of ever having real breasts or a vagina.  I still wish, I still feel the loss for what I will never have.  Deciding what is enough, and our own personal resolutions/compromises/sacrifices is very, very personal.  No one's journey is the same as another's.  I agree, though, that this question about being satisfied is extremely important!  Why go through all the pain if only to still lament the result.  You will still be imperfect.  Even if/when we transition, we still missed growing up as girls and living much of our adult lives as women.

I get aroused only by imagining in a woman making love to a man. It's very intense.
And the dysphoria never goes away on climax. I usually get a bit weepy though

Quote from: NancyBalik on August 13, 2017, 06:26:10 AM
  Deciding what is enough, and our own personal resolutions/compromises/sacrifices is very, very personal.  No one's journey is the same as another's.  I agree, though, that this question about being satisfied is extremely important!  Why go through all the pain if only to still lament the result.  You will still be imperfect.  Even if/when we transition, we still missed growing up as girls and living much of our adult lives as women.

So Nancy I respect the choices you have made. I can offer you the perspective from someone who has transitioned  and lamented the girlhood that never was. You are right it isn't perfect. Parts can still be sad. It is hard sometimes to  be satisfied with reality versus the image you have of how you should have been born. Then there is the flip side that for me makes it all worth it. I don't live in the past. I live in the present and will live in the future (hopefully.) That life will be one where I am perceived as who I am, a female person. I pinch myself sometimes because after all theses years, it is finally real, and amazing. I don't say this to question what you are saying for yourself. I just want to say that for some it is way worth it even if not perfect.

Quote from: elkie-t on August 12, 2017, 09:46:38 PM
There's some truth to the British approach of running 2 years of life experience test without even help of hormones. You should be comfortable in your presentation as you are, hormones and FFS are supplemental, but cannot change major physical characteristics (such as height, foot and hand size, and to a lesser degree body frame and weight) and you must be comfortable navigating day to day life still having those. If you success in transition is based on being 100% stealth, you're piling odds against you big time

Elkie, transition is tough. I don't think making it as tough as possible serves any weeding out purpose. It just creates a lot of unnecessary pain. After all isn't being trans hard enough as it is? I had FFS and hormones with no idea of going stealth. You are right, we live with certain male features and that is something to come to terms with. I think whatever positive things you can  find to do at any point, more power to you.
Moni

I think Moni hit the nail square on the head. It sums up quite well the shame and guilt we have about being trans. No sane person wants to be trans. A fetishistic TV is a far more comfortable place. Especially back when you had/have raging hormones.

I'm 6ft tall and a balding fat kid at 14. Still locked away in complete secrecy I was able to "escape" into that fantasy of being a pretty girl, if only briefly. Then pile on the shame and guilt. In later years after my two utter transition experiment failures the sexual element was no longer a prime motivator, just the safety relief. Followed by piling on more shame and guilt for just having T driven urges and falling back on about the only masturbation method that works.

Just as none of wanted to be trans, I doubt any of us wanted to be but-ugly and trans. Many times the choice comes down to being trans & but-ugly, or dead. More often there is the reality choice of being trans, finding greater happiness in really accepting yourself for who and what you are including the shortcomings, or keeping up the fight/insanity of hoping this time doing all the same old stuff that didn't work before will stop the GD this time.

I of course have a "Wish List" of things I'd like improved about myself and my body. As a former fatty I have many body image issues. Far less so today thanks to really taking on the Trans-Beast and HRT. I doubt a BA, some lipo, or a tummy-tuck makes me any different from the average cis-female. However, I don't need them in order to be able to take that last look in the full length mirror before leaving the house and feeling great about myself. Again not any different from the average cis-female

This whole thread. I share in this same fear still and sometimes have to talk myself down after getting riled up, worrying that I'm not a "real" trans. At least for me, almost all the fetishistic have started to go away as I've become more accepting of myself. They literally just do not interest me anymore; it was an outlet for other feelings and I didn't even realize it when I was closeted and unaccepting of myself.

Talk with someone. Or even talk with yourself. Dig deeper into your thoughts. Find the true rationale as you recognize it. Once you know your mind, someone can relate and you can figure out where to go from there.

Isn't it ironic that the very thing that makes us male, i.e. testosterone, also drives us to express our femininity in testosterone-fueled sex fantasies about wanting to be a woman, which leads us to desire to transition to female?  In other words, that which makes us male also compels us to become female.