We're all trans. Those of is who've taken the steps to research and undertake transition are undoubtedly being our true, authentic selves, but unless you're one of the rare 'OMG I always knew I was trapped in the wrong body and will kill myself if I don't transition' types, how do you feel when you're out and about as your authentic self? Especially when, like me, you're in the early stages and haven't had the effects of HRT yet and don't pass?

Let me expand a little. In boy mode I feel both good and uncomfortable/frustrated. Good because I am accepted without question and everything from voice to posture to mannerisms come naturally. Uncomfortable and frustrated because I have this gnawing to be out as a girl, to be wearing the clothes, jewellery, nails, heels and makeup of the girls around me.

In girl mode I feel good when I get dolled up but also uncomfortable and frustrated out and about because I'm getting clocked, because there's that split-second pause and/or glassy nano-second stare when the shop assistant processes the fact they're talking to 'a man in a dress', there's the girl nudging her friend so as to get a gander at you (and heaven forbid you encounter transphobia).

I know it's de rigeur, even virtue-signalling, to say that you feel like a weight has been lifted when you step out into the real world as your true (trans) self and how liberating it is but do you eel like that? I know I pass more than most (even though I don't pass) and I can't say I find it an enjoyable experience. The self consciousness and awareness of those around me makes me feel awkward. Whether they're laughing or being professional, when I know they know, when the unspoken words are 'it's a man dressed as a woman' it makes me feel silly and think 'am I just kidding myself here?'

Now don't get me wrong, my trans is very real and not a flight of fancy but most of us who consider transition are wracked with doubt as to whether we're 'trans enough' to transition so when you encounter the stifled smirks, disgust, curiosity and even PC-enforced-non commentary it makes you feel very conspicuous; misguided, even a joke. Sure, a ton of HRT and FFS may make me stealth but to get to that point you have to endure the spoken and unspoken sentiments that you're bizarre, weird at best and (as in America) an abomination and lower than human so do you really feel free when femme? Do you really feel like an immense shift - as those released from darkness into the light?

I am 1 month in HRT and am transitioning at work in September. Everyone at work has been told, HR is just giving everyone time to process it before Elli walks in the door. I'm having the same feeling. Yes, I feel great and correct when out as Elli. I'm out everywhere except work. But in the back of my head all I can think is that I'm a guy trying to be a girl. Am I walking right, am I talking right, am I carrying my purse right etc. I'm 48 years old and I'm not sure I will ever pass (maybe after lots of surgery). So where does this leave me? Where does it leave people like us? Well, I'm just trans that's it. I will always be Trans. The same as Cis girls are girls and Cis boys are boys.
The reason we want to pass is not for ourselves, it's because we don't want to stand out and be ridiculed. We don't want to be stared at and whispered about. We just want to be accepted as who we are.
So, I hold my head up high and try to act and feel like I belong there just as much as Cis. But until everyone in the room doesn't care I think they will always make us feel insecure about ourselves. No way around it.

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I don't know...

I don't pass, but where I live I get passing privilege. I have found why I was nervous I got clocked all the time and weird looks. Now that I have enough confidence that I just rock my new authentic look most people don't seem to care. Yes I still get clocked reasonably regularly but I don't get the weird judgemental looks 1/2 as much.

It hit me one day that I knew who I wanted to be and why should other people dictate what makes me happy. Once I realised that going out as my true self just became normal everyday me and the fear and nerves were easy to get over.

I still get nervous going into women's toilets when I let my beard grow out (which I have to for electrolysis) but that's a different issue.


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Hi Tammy. I got exactly the same... As soon as I stopped caring whether I pass or not, I started to be accepted by the strangers much better. Confidence in yourself and self-acceptance are wonderful passing tools, much more important than anything else.


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Hi Vicki

   I know exactly what you are talking about. I felt so insecure and worried about what people might do if I were seen by them. Like you I had accepted by being trans. I had only been out where I had to interact with others while dress as a woman 4 or 5 times prior to beginning my little trip. I say "dress as a woman" with good reason. I was a man in a dress, a crossdresser and I can say that simply because I may have accepted myself as being transgender but I had not even begun to accept myself as a woman. Like you I fell prey to doubt, insecurities and fear. At the beginning of my road trip I left home as a crossdresser. As I met other ladies along the way I began to relax and used them as my security blanket. I was able to set aside those doubt, insecurities and fears for a little while and by doing so I began the process of accepting myself as a woman. Each day and every single woman I met helped me understand that I am a woman by sharing themselves with me and letting me borrow their confidence.
   Upon returning home I felt much different about my transition I had gained a good start at accepting myself as a woman. I gained more confidence. Enough that I decided to continue with the full time I had started on my trip. I still had those lurking demons though their grasp on me had weakened. Shortly after getting home they challenged my resolve at a local grocery store where I was clocked  and whispered about while being the object of not so subtle looks no less than three times. I will not lie, it rattled me but I resolved to continue my shopping and checked out with a nice polite young man. That was the last time I let it bother me. Now I go into stores and shop. I was in Target just the other day shopping for bras, now there is a department to strike fear in any crossdresser but I was no longer a crossdresser. I'm a woman shopping for the apparel a woman needs. I wander the women's clothing departments and shop for cute shoes. The beauty department does make me nervous anymore.  These are all areas a woman belongs in and I am a woman. I'm am still working on the acceptance part but I think I have come a long ways from that insecure crossdresser I used to be.
  Accepting ourselves as woman and building confidence in public doesn't happen overnight. It takes time an repetition. But it starts with first beginning to accept ourselves as women. When you accept yourself others will accept you too.

  You can do it Vicki.

Hugs,
   Laurie