.

That's a pretty good question. I don't have that many previous "lovers" (three to be exact, I was married twice, young) but I am friends with my two ex wives. We talk openly about this and they've been really, really open about thoughts they had about me and our sexual relationship. They didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know ("You avoided sex and intimacy," "you were extremely giving and compassionate when you did," "you only cared about my needs, never your own," "it's like you were inside my mind and knew exactly what I wanted"). It's still a pretty amazing feeling to be able to really talk to previous long term partners to see what they think of you after you come out to them for a while.

It's so weird, I was telling this to my friend the other day. I can't imagine being with a girl right now. Not to sound crass or anything, but the thought of actually doing stuff kind of makes me uneasy. I never really had a problem with kissing, but anything else was uncomfortable. I went from having crushes on boys when I was young (like pre 8th grade) to feeling like I couldn't survive if I did that. It was bad enough having everything think of you as a sissy or whatever, but to have made it known that I had crushes on the boys, well, that would have been to much.

Renate, I don't know about you, I think you have said that you are only attracted to women, but I know that my exes always knew there was something "different" or "weird," like something didn't quite fit with my sexuality. I'm sure they were comparing me to other guys. It didn't really become a problem until I REALLY avoided it and made excuses. I felt bad for them. It's like this really bad self-esteem damaging thing when you have a girl you love as a friend, you are married to her and you don't initiate and turn her away when it comes to intimacy. It basically makes them feel, and I TOTALLY understand this, like they are ugly or inferior. If I was with a guy and he wouldn't do anything with me, I'd be hurt, really hurt. It just got to the point from a gender standpoint that enough was enough. I really, really wanted to try to make marriage work, but honestly, all I did was marry two best friends. They both told me when they split with me "I love you a lot, but you are like a best friend, almost a girlfriend, to me...and I need a husband."

So, I guess the roundabout pondering for me Renate is, definitely an interesting adventure provided both people are in a place in their life where they can talk about these things. It's very, very difficult for many people, especially previous lovers, to carry on a relationship post transition. I think it's really special if it happens, but I guess it can't be expected. Meghan

It's probably a bad idea......

I've sort of done this, some were old GFs, others just friends, and I've gotten responses ranging from "no way, really?.... {pause}..... I guess it kind of makes sense" all the way to "well duh, I always knew that about you". Only my best male bud had no clue when I outed myself, then again he's as jock-regular-dude as you can get and is quite oblivious to stuff like this.

Bear in mind that im not transition tracked, I femme up from time to time only even though my male appearance has been slightly modified for my femme (nails, eyebrows, shaved body, etc).

A more interesting question to ponder could be: why do you feel the urge to do this?

Dawn

Quote from: Renate on February 19, 2008, 11:16:46 AM

Quote from: Dawn Labelle on February 19, 2008, 11:05:46 AM
A more interesting question to ponder could be: why do you feel the urge to do this?

Um, because it's fun?  Why not?

It's always interesting to know how you're perceived by other people, not that you have to let that influence you.

So if your ex says, "I never would have believed that, you were so macho",
then you know you went over the top with the masculine role back then.
If they say, "Duh, what took you so long?", you can scratch your head and try to answer that one yourself.

Renate

ROFL, fair enough . I made that comment as I found that when I look back on when I did this, I was looking for a sort of retroactive approval that yes.... I always was trans*. Then again I forgot youre already fulltime, I guess youre way past that stage eh?

Dawn

I find it's a bad idea.......and two of my ex partners would never talk to me anymore. It might be their own insecurity or thoughts they think it means they might be lesbian?

I was always quite feminine looking from the age of 13 onwards and being a musician the gender bounderies less limited and were more in my favour. But once they know you moved forward even more and are thinking about SRS. it's a whole new ball game for them to get their head around.

I think it's best to move on and if they ever want to get in touch I'll probably speak to them but I won't hold my breath..