This is pretty much going to be a rant because I have no where else to express these views.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I bottle everything up and I can't hold it in anymore, so I might as well complain about stupid stuff on the internet. A few weeks ago I visited my grandparents down on their farm. My grandma knew about the fact that I am trans but my grandad didn't and she wanted to hide it from him because she was afraid about how he would react. She kept pushing me about talking abput it when I was with her and she asked me if she wanted Jesus to heal me from it and I told her that I did. She then told me that we can't just pray about it but we have to act on it in order to get rid of it. I wanted to make her happy I guess and I didn't know at the time what she had in store for me. So then the next day we went to town, she spent money on new girly clothes and I just went with it, then she got me a feminine haircut, and then finally made me have a make-up makeover. By the end of the day I was about to lose it, I felt so emasculated and dysphoric. She told me I needed to start walking like a woman and smiling like kne and talking like one. That women did this and did that. It felt so contrary to who I am. Throughtout the day I started arguing with her about how it was uncomfortable and that it wasn't who I am but she wouldn't listen.
Later that night, my grandad had been suspicious of my behaviour and how I had seemed down so we had a talk. I finally came out to him and told him since I was a child I felt like a boy. I told him that I always felt ashamed of the feelings and discomfort and tried to get rid of it by acting hyperfeminine because then maybe I could 'feel like a woman'. He responded really well and told me that he would always love me no matter what, would be my advocate, and would never be ashamed of me. It really surprised me that he was so accepting, my more than anyone else (besides my brother) in my family.
The next day he said I could be myself and we went to the coast to eat. It was one of the happiest days in a long time. I got to be myself with no judgement or shame and I felt a little less dysphoric. It was pretty great.
Then that night my mom called me because she found out my grandad knew. She was worried about me and we pretty much had a discussion about it. She said that she thinks I'll never be happy living as a man and that she thinks it's against the Bible because of the crossdressing verse in Deuteronomy. This really pissed me off because she KNOWS she's taking stuff from the Bible out of context because something makes her feel uncomfortable. She KNOWS that Christians don't follow the old laws anymore and she KNOWS this isn't just some dress up game. Then my mom assumes that I am angry at God which is pretty much where I lost it. I told her I wasn't mad at God but that I was mad at her because she never wanted to go seek medical help with this and that she is a hypocrite.
First she insists I don't really have gender dysphoria and that I have these feelings because I was bullied by girls (even though I was also bullied by guys) when I was younger. Despite the fact that my therapist said that I had move past the bullying problems a long time ago and that it had caused social anxiety in me(which I haven't had in years now). So then she jumps on the train with grandma in thinking I have Asperger's because girls with it are more masculine and socially inept. I get tested for autism spectrum and it comes back negative and instead get diagnosed with gender dysphoria for a second time and encouraged to go to the gender clinic to treat it. My parents never took the advice because they don't want me to transition.
By the end of the phone call with her she had the nerve to say that unlike the doctors she loves me and that they don't so of course they would push for medical treatment. So when it comes to autism, depression, social anxiety, it's fine to go to a doctor and to trust their judgments but when it comes to treating gender dysphoria, they're just wrong, it's sinful, it's part of the world! She's a bloody hypocrite.
And lately I have just been getting even more depressed, uncomfortable, antisocial, and sucidal. I can't even sleep well anymore. I just want it all to end. I'm tired of being being angry, bitter, ashamed, and never being able to please those around me. I'm tired of constantly having God being a bludgeon by my own mother, who never seems to self-reflect on her actons or beliefs and who won't even compromise with me.
It's funny how my grandad, the man they didn't want to know about me being trans was more loving and accepting than they (my mom, grandma, and aunt) could ever be. Deep down, even if I wasn't trans I know they wouldn't accept me as a masculine girl. They would want me to change to make them feel comfortable. They love a false image of me that they want me to live up too and it really hurts. I feel so rejected by them and I hate myself for it. I hate that I can't be what they want me to be. I hate how I want to die but I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. I hate how I sit around and don't do anything to make my life better.
My grandad told me that I needed to stop pleasing others because t's just leading me to misery and being unproductive. I wish I could live out his advice but how can I when my own mother and father are ashamed of me? I don't care about what most people think about me but when it comes to my parents it's impossible to get emotionally tied. I'm just a failure.
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