In short how did you do it?

My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it.

I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?

I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx

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Firstly you have to accept that if you tell anyone then there is no going back.

There are no such things as secrets.

I was told that it was a Hell's Angel saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

So I would follow through to your GP etc and decide if this is the path you wish to follow. Of course you can discuss anything here and we will try and support you.

Cindy

Thank you for the advice Cindy, I'll give myself just a little more time to decide how best to proceed. x

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Cindy is totally right.  It doesn't matter if a person is a friend or family, someone coming out as trans is something people can't seem to keep from  blabbing to everyone. It's pretty pathetic that in 2017 being trans is still like " scandalous".
Julia

After I told my wife, I told a friend that I knew I could trust with my life.  She works with trans kids, so I knew it would be safe to trust her: she gets it.  But many others don't.  Cindy's advice is sound.

Thanks Julia and Kathy. I'm very careful with who I tell what. The friend I mentioned I can trust with anything I say. Tbh I've always thought it's more important to have a few good friends than a lot who might only really be acquaintances. x

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Quote from: Cindy on August 18, 2017, 03:45:24 AM
Firstly you have to accept that if you tell anyone then there is no going back.

There are no such things as secrets.

I was told that it was a Hell's Angel saying that two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

So I would follow through to your GP etc and decide if this is the path you wish to follow. Of course you can discuss anything here and we will try and support you.

Cindy

Benjamin Franklyn said that.


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Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?

My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it.

I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?

I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx

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I was in a similar place. My wife got pissed when I told my best friend. Secrets are toxic as is inauthenticity. That's something SO's need to understand.


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In most cases with friends and family I've just come out and told them that I needed to speak with them about something and then dropped the bomb. My wife was the first person I told, that was the hardest. After that I told a couple of close friends and sat down with my supervisor & HR at work. In the last month we've started telling in-laws and the one of my three siblings who get along with. The rest of my family who I'm not on good terms with will get letters in the next couple of months, I've decided it will be best to present the information in a way that won't leave me to attack.

Quote from: Gertrude on August 18, 2017, 08:11:20 AM
I was in a similar place. My wife got pissed when I told my best friend. Secrets are toxic as is inauthenticity. That's something SO's need to understand.


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How would you feel if she shares this secret with her best friend (she also needs an outlet to vent her emotions about having transgender husband, you know)? And then her best friend shares it with someone too?

Fortunately, I had been separated from my ex-wife for about three months when I told her. My therapist suggested I write a letter and enclose a picture of me. I handed the letter to my ex and said to open it later that night.
I got an email that night saying she supported me 100%...but that all changed once I began living full time. We've not seen each other since 2007. As expected, she's embarrassed and ashamed of me.
Oh well

Quote from: elkie-t on August 18, 2017, 09:03:07 AM
How would you feel if she shares this secret with her best friend (she also needs an outlet to vent her emotions about having transgender husband, you know)? And then her best friend shares it with someone too?

She already did. I got over it pretty quick.


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One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.

From the moment I came out I told my boss: "Look, I know that leaks will be inevitable, but it's okay. I'm prepared to deal with that."

Someone contemplating coming out to someone outside her hardcore acquaintances (parents, SO) should be prepared for that. There will be looks, comments, questions, chuckles... And I will answer with lots of equanimity, stoicism and patience. But let me also tell you something: so far, I'd say that >95% of the people who I came out to reacted in a very positive and supportive way. [emoji4]

P.S. I'm glad I don't have a Facebook account! [emoji28]

Hugs, Sarah

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I changed Xing first (A German version of LinkedIn), a few weeks after coming out. Xing apparently notified all my contacts about the change an I did have crazy profile views along with many encouraging comments.

I changed LinkedIn a few weeks later and disabled notifying my contacts. So far no comments...

Facebook is still on my todo list.

I do agree: once you come out outside of your small personal circle, news spreads and people talk about it. I did get contacted by quite a few former co-workers who heard the rumors :-)

Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 18, 2017, 09:34:46 AM
One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.

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Quote from: Sarah.VanDistel on August 18, 2017, 09:34:46 AM
One week after my coming out to the hospital department where I work, the number of visits to my LinkedIn profile jumped almost 200%, almost half of them from people from another hospital where I used to work. Many of them left nice messages of support, but others probably just took a look, "just to see if it's true." Curiosity is part of human nature.

From the moment I came out I told my boss: "Look, I know that leaks will be inevitable, but it's okay. I'm prepared to deal with that."

Someone contemplating coming out to someone outside her hardcore acquaintances (parents, SO) should be prepared for that. There will be looks, comments, questions, chuckles... And I will answer with lots of equanimity, stoicism and patience. But let me also tell you something: so far, I'd say that >95% of the people who I came out to reacted in a very positive and supportive way. [emoji4]

P.S. I'm glad I don't have a Facebook account! [emoji28]

Hugs, Sarah

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Sarah hearing this is very encouraging thank you. xx PS: I don't use Facebook either.

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Here I thought I was the only one without Facebook, nor Twitter, Instagram or any other social sites...unless you count this site as social media.

Quote from: NJOttawa on August 18, 2017, 11:46:17 AM
Here I thought I was the only one without Facebook, nor Twitter, Instagram or any other social sites...unless you count this site as social media.

I have no social media either. Deleted it all.

I have two fb accounts. One of them will go away eventually. I wish I could merge them. I have LinkedIn and google too. We'll see.


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I came out to my second wife shortly before we married, and it's been good, she's gone with me to a couple support group meetings, and apart from asking me not to bring her family in yet (which I do totally get) has been understanding and supportive.  Not long after, I came out to a couple friends via online message.  Pretty close to no reaction, but I rarely see them in person anyway.  Then, a couple months ago, my 12 yo daughter came out as bi, and as a show of support, I outed myself to her mom and my dad.  Neither of them has ever seen me en femme, so I guess the muted non-response shouldn't be a surprise.


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Hi, Sam79,

Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week. I had already discussed it with my wife after gradually revealing a female presentation to her over the past few years. We're soulmates, having just celebrated our 34th anniversary together and surviving a lot of very hard times together. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's putting up a good front, seems okay and is supportive. I learned from my sister-in-law via email this week that the family had been talking about "Tommy" changing her name to "Tommie" on social media and using that name on my blog. Honestly, I kinda rolled that out there on purpose, along with my pierced earrings, to ease into coming out, if that's possible. I don't care how you go about it, it's traumatic emotionally. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I confirmed it individually, not as a group. To my relief, my conservative family expressed their love and support. The sister-in-law I mentioned privately admitted to me that she was excited for me, and that she had "non-binary" feelings, her words, which she had been exploring for a long time. Now, we're close sisters, ha, and I'm keeping her secret! You just never know. The reason I felt I had to come out is that we were all together, which never happens, because of my Dad's death. It was obvious that my gender identity and sexual orientation (I was presenting as feminine androgynous, not fully female) was the elephant in the room and a bit of a distraction from grieving and honoring our sweet Dad. I'm mentally exhausted but so relieved. I did lose a long-time best friend I came out to, though. I'm not responsible for another's reaction, and I know I'll make new friends more aligned with my authentic self. I'm so thankful for this forum and how it's helping me cope with everything.

Much, much love your way,

Tommie