Thank you Devlyn,

You were the first person ( literally the first person) to help me and keep me from doing something stupid 5 or so years ago and you are still here to keep me honest . Thank you.

I had FFS 9/16/2016 and just filed an appeal to my insurance company for reimbursement. I need more transition work and my funds are very low.

I scheduled the plane flight to Pineville North Carolina for hair graphs (#2) on 9/25.

I had my review with my supervisor. He had several transition related items on my evaluation. It is 3 pages of things I needed to achieve of which 4 items were transition related. He is letting me address leadership again (2 years ago he said I would never address leadership again, we have both grown) and I will this fall I think I may have to go back to school as two directors are taking advanced degrees and he reviewed his experience and recommended I attend either of 2 schools. One is next door to where I work and my past executive coach teaches there but I do not fit into that place.

I have a trans friend at work. His partner and I talk and she is going to help me with make-up and hair. She is going to take me out and help me with guys. She asked what ethnic group guy would I like to be with. They are Hispanic and I really like Hispanic guys. She said it will be no problem getting a guy. We will see.

I was at group and asked a few questions about dating. I received a lot of information. I have some very uninhibited friends. Being single could be interesting.

I realized something when I was outside William Way LGBTQI center before the second group. There were a bunch of transwoman outside and I fit in. Not that I am trans but on insecurities, wants and desires. We have so much in common. I noticed their strength and that I have really changed. I am so much stronger today than two years ago. Also, I admitted something, I feel and connect with many of the transwoman. I have a bit of a wild past and although I am more mature now I still have the wild desires. I have self confidence, something I never had before and it feels so good. I am starting to like myself.

I went to a transwoman for electrolysis and it went well. She charges $50/hr and is much less than where I go now. Plus we connect and talk about things cis electrolysis do not know about or have not experienced.

Wow that sounds so positive Rachel. The best is you liking yourself. I like you so I guess we both have good taste.
Moni

Thank you Monica. I am so glad you are doing well

I just checked the mail and received my birth certificate with my name and gender on it.

Next my passport and 2 remaining credit cards and lastly my car registration. Oh, I need to get my college degree changed too. I think getting my high school diploma changed will not happen; it was a catholic high school, I will try.

I am looking into pellets and sent some inquiries. One doctor states LGBT friendly and has an office in the gayborhood. I think I will switch to pellets ASAP.

My round trip to Charlotte North Carolina is booked with Frontier airlines. It cost about $125 for the tickets and about $60 for a carry on bag. Not bad for a direct flight from Trenton to Charlotte.

I visited a woman for Susan's at Gaia house B&B recovering from GCS. She looks beautiful and is doing well. Then my ex and I went to China Town in Philly for an early dinner. I had a really good day today.

I need to connect with Jen on here. I submitted an appeal for my FFS to Aetna. I do not expect anything to come from it but I just need to do it to satisfy my need for closure.

Rachel, in your post of 8/11 you said, "Not that I am trans..."  I must confess that I am totally confused by that statement.  Admittedly I can be pretty thick on occasion, so I'm assuming I've got this all wrong.  Would you be so kind as to clarify what you meant? 

Hi Kathy, I was referring that I have a lot in common with my trans friends and community. Not just that I am trans but all the other attributes. I should have said something like,  not just that we are trans but ....... .

Today at work I was in an elevator lobby at about 5:30 A.M. and there were 4 construction guys. One kept saying he lives in a really bad neighborhood. As I was entering a down elevator (they were going up) the guy said he saw a white trash transgender in his neighborhood. I felt he was referring to me but I let it role.

Tonight I took a call at home from a shift supervisor that said he confronted several construction guys about what they said after I walked by. I was walking through the loading dock and the construction guys were unloading a truck. The supervisor is on the diversity council and has taken a lot of crap during his life. He in the past worked in an area that was racist. He would not repeat what they said about me but he stood up for me. He wanted to take it further but we talked and I think he feels better.  He is also helping me find a place to live in West Philly. Point being, there are jerks and there are good people. I choose to be with the good people. I will address the contractors tomorrow.

One would think that racism would be a thing of the past in America one hundred fifty-four years after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, but it isn't.  My best guess is that gender identity prejudice will prove an equally intractable problem. It is virtually impossible to legislate bigotry and hatred out of people's hearts and minds.

Hi Kathy, I agree.

Today I was at the top of the loading sock steps as the construction workers walked up the steps. No one said anything, expect two guys that said excuse me as they passed by. My way of saying I am not going away.

I e-mailed Papillion and I had my recovery instructions wrong. I do not have to wear my sports bra to bed . I can resume strenuous exercise after 6 weeks .

I was checking the cost of traveling from Philadelphia (or Newark) to Mumbai India. The cheapest two were Islamic and have stay overs in Islamic countries. I will not use these airlines. I can get airfare for $750 to $850, a hotel varies from $70 to $200 per night. I sent off two clinics to our International Medicine friends at work to review the clinics and make recommendations. Next I will do a Skype and get pricing for some FFS soft tissue work. Something for next years plan.

Quote from: Rachel on August 04, 2017, 06:02:25 PM
***** Warning- may be triggering***********
I feel lost and I feel alone. I do not know where to meet guys. The trans friends I have are great to talk to before and after a meeting but nothing more had developed.  I could go to a few places in the gayborhood but I think I would just end up being alone in those places. Worse yet they are bars and I am a recovering alcoholic.  I would feel out of place. I have always felt out of place and not part of the whole. Being trans and transitioning amplifies things or perhaps I am just confronting how I always felt. I cried a bit today in my office, on the way home and then had to wipe mascara off my lower eye lids as I needed to buy some supplies from the health food store.

When my divorce is final and my wife moves out I will be alone. Our daughter will live with my ex. I can not imaging being alone in my house after I come home from work. I have my sister as far as family. My niece and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nieces wedding. So, they are not in my family any more.

...

I just feel lost. I guess I want something else and I am looking to find a guy to provide it and that is not the answer. I need to find what is missing and if a guy comes along then so be it. I just do not know what is missing. I do know I do not feel complete and I feel empty. Perhaps it is my slow motion marriage and divorce wreck and I am just twisting month after month. I just do not know.

...

I am definitely on a journey.

I totally understand this.  I'm going through pretty much the same thing now.  My wife's family has completely stopped talking to me, and won't be around me at all.  Hell my wife is trying to make an issue of my gender identity/confusion in our divorce proceedings, she has even gone so far as to suggest that I am angry and thus violent because of it. I'm not violent at all, and any anger I have is because of the way she has treated me since she left and throughout our divorce proceedings.  She is even tried to press criminal charges, which were so ludicrous that they read like a fantasy novel, and limited my parenting time to essentially none.

But all through out this, I miss the hell out of her for all same reasons you mentioned above.

Hi Myranda, I am divorced as of a few weeks ago. My X and I war going to the movies in a bit. She still live with me but that is temporary. We have been together and made a life together so it is natural to have a lot of pain, fear and emotions as the change occurs. Being myself has come at a great cost. Yet I have never been so alive and free to be myself.

I do not know where I will be living in a year from now. I may stay where I am now or I may move into the dense part of the city. That will require a lot of change in itself.

If I meet a guy and we date that will have a lot of change in itself.

Coming to the end of transition next year will result is a lot of change. I go to a midweek electrolysis session with
a transwoman the same age as me. I am beginning to see things differently as we chat during the sessions.

Being yourself has ramifications. Your wife is angry that her life is changing and she is lashing out at you. Both of you are going to experience a lot of change and that is scary and at the same time a period of great discovery. There is disappointment, fear, heartache, self discovery, happiness, excitement, and friendship. I think transition amplifies the human experience and one hell of a journey. Many people falter along the way, get lost or break under the stress. Many more grow and become strong independent people. I do know how I treated my wife is how I would have wanted to have been treated under the circumstances. The outcome is still left to be seen. I would not have given odds on my survival in 2012 but now I would not bet against my survival and thriving.

I am calling Dr. Haben's office tomorrow and putting down a deposit for vfs and scheduling a date. I have final hair graph 9/25 and final GCS work 11/20. I am penciled in Dec for voice. Then I think I am done for a while. Enough is enough.

I was at Mazzoni Center for trans care and while in my the waiting room I realized something. I am really lucky. Everyone has their issues and some more than others but I am doing well. I remembered my intake at a the old Mazzoni center sitting in the waiting room afraid of my shadow and someone hearing my chosen name. I remember the hopelessness and severe depression. Now, things get real and at times difficult but for the most part I am pretty happy.

I was looking at my nails at work today while at a meeting. I love the color and that i have polished nails at work. Same with my earrings and outfit, things others take for granted.

Funny thing today, at a meeting a female friend leaned over and said to me, " I keep looking at your boobs".

Even after all these years, occasionally something will remind me of life before my transition. I still remember how uncomfortable I was and the thought that i didn't have much of a future. It helps to remember that because it makes you appreciated the life you have. There is nothing you could offer me to return to that old life and that's the sign that you made the correct decision.

Dena, I agree. There are changes and some of the change is very difficult but I am so much better off now than before. I booked a triple with Dr. Haben today for December 20, 2017.  I smoked cigarettes from age 12 to 46 and I am 9 years smoke free. I smoked pot and hash and some other chemicals when younger too. Also, I am 55 now.  At the consult I will find out what procedure I will have, a single, double or triple. The triple scares me. I have seen some pics of the procedure and it looks pretty intense.

I filed my FFS procedure from back in Sept. 15, 2016. The request was rejected as expected. I can and will appeal.

When I came home today my wife said I look like a drag queen several times. Then she wanted to know why I was silent. I automatically think about plan B and then after a little bit I get distracted and it goes away. Not like before when that would have lasted all night.

Next month I agreed to be on a LGBT panel for an hour. The panel presentation is a question and answer session. It counts for continued medical education for those in the audience that need that. I had to sign a disclosure today to participate on the panel.

I loaded PRATT on my laptop today. Time to get serious about voice feedback. I have a recorder and analyzer on my cell phone but I want to see the wave forms in a larger screen and have some data to compare the recordings.

I told my boss about booking voice surgery in December. After our monthly meeting he showed me his 340 Z convertable that he drives on nice days. I loved the sound of the car. Very nice car.

I went a little off diet today and yesterday. Back on track tomorrow. I might get up early and do a 10 mile hike.

I have had some suicidal thoughts recently stemming around being alone. I really need to get out and do some meet ups. I really am unhappy living in limbo. The first thing I get each night is crap about being trans when I walk into the door. I wind up taking out the trash and recyclables just to get out of my house. I feel like an outsider in my house.

I got my bloodwork results back. My T is less than 3 ng/dl. Every thing  else is good but prolactin was 29. I am a few days past due for my e shot. The last two times I aspirated, pierced a nerve on reposition and then was able to inject. The last time I had to lean back in bed for a few minutes until the queasiness went away. Da joy o being trans. I am thinking of cycling T cream at the end of my injection cycle. Perhaps just 3 days out of 10. Maybe extending my e to 14 days and doing t the last 3. I am good going to a temp doctor until my new doc is back from maternity. She is really nice. The doctor I went to Monday did not seem in tougch with trans or maybe we just did not click.

Hi Rachel,

  I really have to go back a ways and read your posts. I've started reading from the beginning several time and haven't managed to to get very far. This thread has a lot of pages and post to it and I really want to get to know you. What I have seen of you from your other posts I have read I like, You sound like another wonderful person that I would love to meet someday. I'll have to work on that huh? ;-) You know it could happen....

  I'm sorry to read you are having to deal with such depressing circumstances to the point of despair. Your wife certain does nothing but contribute to that despair. I hope you can find a resolution to that particular problem soon. ((Hug)) I wish it wasn't just a virtual hug as I can see that you need to be hugged by an understanding soul.
  On the other hand you relate some really positive things you are doing to further your journey and they are signs of hope. Your voice surgery, your rapport with your boss, diet and exercise all of them show you working on your future, and it can be a very good future. I believe you'll get there Rachel, really I do.

   I haven't any words of wisdom for you a you are far beyond me in this road we travel called transition. Perhaps I'll follow in your footsteps for part of my own journey. Who knows what tomorrow may bring? We'll only find out if we continue to take that next step and the one after, and then the next. We will get there if we just keep going, and the good part is we do not have to do it alone.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Laurie,

Thank you for the support and kind words. If you ever go to Dr. McGinn for a procedure or consult I am in the area and would love to meet up. New Hope has some nice places to eat and some shops that are fun to go through. Also, Lambertville across the river has some nice places to eat and shop too. The area is very LGBT inclusive. Congratulations on being a GM and thank you.

Voice, it was very difficult when my voice changed in puberty. I had a very pleasant voice and it was destroyed. I do not know which procedure the doctor will perform or if the procedure will be a help or hurt my voice.

There are a lot of posts during my transition. If you ever need something to help you sleep start at post one. I guarantee you will be asleep in no time. I think the most important things I have learned in my transition is to accept yourself and be happy in whatever way you can to be yourself.  I never thought I would be single and I never thought I would be alive. I am still in transition and I have made some great strides with hurdles to go.

I have some bras to pick up at the bra shop. I never thought I would be doing this .

Rachel! I believe your doing ok under the circumstances you live in!
My sweetheart treats me the same! I just understand that she does that as a defense!
Go forward with your transition! Your doing this for your own mental health as well as who you really are!
61 years I fronted my self as a man! That man is gone!
I'll be the best woman I can be!
Breasts have helped me believe I can transition! I am aways behind you medically so we may not be beautiful women but that's not the point! The point is, becoming who we should of been from birth![emoji68]🏼‍[emoji161]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you gv2002 for your support.

I have been researching airfare to India(Mumbai and Delhi)  and  Bangkok Thailand. I can get round trip flights to India for $830 and Bangkok for $550. I think I could get the $550 price for India if I work the dates a little. I need to do a few skype sessions and figure out the procedures and pricing. Then I will research the hotel and food costs. I am thinking liposuction on the tummy and oblique's, lipo on the mandible and perhaps some skin tightening and an upper eye lift. If they recommend orbital rim shaving I may do that if I do not have to take my face down again. If I have  to do that I think I will pass; but then again.

Tonight I will pay my EX the 1st of 78 alimony checks. Since she is still living with me and I pay all the bills I will also give her an itemized bill for my expenses supporting her. Things like car payment, car insurance, cell phone etc. The sad thing is I love her and I do not want her to go.

Yesterday I was triggered at work. I was having a conversation with a guy and it went off work topic. He supports Trump's trans ban in the military. Unfortunately I tried to reason with him but he kept saying it is a preexisting medical condition and it makes our troop distracted and not ready for war. I stopped replying and turned and continued working on my computer. After a few minutes he left. I felt the hatred boiling in me like I felt when I was standing next to the Whitehall Baptist Church members on a megaphone condemning me at the pride parade, at end of route entering the bridge to Penn's Landing, in June. We were with 30 trans kids and I could not respond or say anything back. 

Voice

What I have been learning is to relax my throat.
I learned a massage exercise from a speech pathologist to relax the throat.
Next do motor boats and tongue and mouth perception exercises.
Hum the scale and M and N sounds. Start feeling the M and N sound resonance in your face.
That is the goal for all sounds. M and N are the easiest.
Say sentences with M and N letters in the first letter location such as, mix mink milk.
Next, use your diagram (diaphragmatic breathing) to push air not your chest.
Keep your head up and in line with your spine (opens up the throat and greatly enhances putting the resonance from your vocal cords into your nasal cavity).
Then practice sentence thinking you are talking to someone across the room.
Use air to make words, do not be air stingy.
Use intonation and emotion in your speech.
Use your mouth as an instrument to form words.
Feel your mouth and lips making the words and exaggerate.
Speak up.