Hello, all. I've come here as an outlet for my feelings, hoping for some insight.

I feel very confused. On one hand, I feel better about myself the more feminine I am. Smooth, hairless body. Tight jeans with my black nail polish. It makes me happy. I look at transwomen wishing I was them and I find myself identifying with feminine energy. There's a certain self respect that comes from acknowledging that aspect of myself and living it out even in the smallest of ways. That is my greatest validation I have about my feelings. That leads me to consider the possibility of transitioning. It's a double edged sword, though. I'm 28, poor, and my hair is thinning. I've heard that I'm handsome enough times without asking to believe it(which may be a bad thing in this context), and have also been told I would make a cute girl without asking. I'm 5'7 and 115 pounds. Broad shoulders and a naturally defined chest. Baby faced with really long eyelashes. No butt. My body is tiny, but undeniably masculine. Basically dysphoria swells. There's no way I would be satisfied without facial feminization surgery and wow its so expensive. Adding additional costs like electrolysis and hormones on top of that further compounds everything. Plus, I love women. The further down this road I go, the less attractive I become to them. I am bisexual, but ultimately, its women my heart craves.

This all creates quite a dilemma. I seem to be in this cycle of heavily considering transition and burying it so that I can attract women and not be stressed by the costs of it all. This has been going on for well over a year now. If I could just get to the point where ffs becomes a reality, it would all be worth it. I believe I have potential to be an attractive woman, but the journey seems like a pipe dream. I dont want to be stuck in limbo, spending the years of my life waiting on a 50k surgery. I also dont want a closeted secret of this magnitude for the rest of my life that becomes a deal breaker with women. Everything about this part of me is honest, absolutely beautiful, and ultimately distressing.

When I'm with women I'm hypermasculine. The longer I go without them, the more trans I feel. Only thing I know for sure is my true self will not be denied. Whether it stays suppressed for a month, a year, or 10 years, it will still be there. Theres no going back. I'm ok with that. My issues are the potential consequences.

Any wisdom that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Hi Robin. I'm Julia. Welcome to the site. I understand the desire for FFS. But after a couple of years on HRT you may not need it. HRT works wonders. A lot of people have said it partially reversed thinning hair or at least stopped it. If you want to transition , get a gender therapist and start HRT.  You have to start somewhere. You like women. So what? You can be trans and like women. A lot of the women here like women and have wives.  Transition seems impossible if you think about everything all at once. Just worry about doing the things you can right now. I hope this helps.
Julia

Hello Robin, welcome to Susan's!

I admire you for joining and opening up about these things.  I know from personal experience how difficult that can be at first.  And don't worry about what may seem to be confusing or unreachable.  If you're on a road trip and the only road has been marked Closed by the highway department, if you talk to the locals there are other routes around and some alternate ways are quite nice.  While it's true some parts of this journey are challenging there is nothing better than approaching or reaching the destination. 

Masculinity and femininity are not one single item.  Something that took me awhile to realize is - in addition to that, for each characteristic the answer is not M or F, unlike all those outmoded government forms asking you to check one.  My stress level began to drop as I learned this can all be blended around - and we see this all the time with others who are not transgender.  Within a topic such as facial structure the same is true, there isn't an exact M and F dividing line.  Some of the most beautiful professional fashion models have gender-blending facial characteristics.  I don't know if that is natural genetic luck or the result of surgery but there are stunning-beautiful famous women with a sharp jaw line, and handsome men who don't have a sharp jaw line.  The same holds true for a long list of individual characteristics - it all gets blended into visual identity.  And there are so many other key things that impact others' perceptions.  A person's mannerisms and demeanor, their voice and choice of words, etc.

You have a ton of things going for you.  Regardless of financial resources, consider this - even the wealthiest individuals who transitioned in the 1970s did not have access to FFS because it hadn't been invented.  And there are so many things that make up a feminine face - including makeup.  I haven't had FFS, I tend to use minimal makeup but I often add a dash of brown eye shadow to the sides of my nose, optical illusion to make it appear slightly narrower.  (I know a nose job isn't technically FFS, but I also haven't had a nose job).  I partially cover my forehead with my hair style because I know my forehead isn't quite as feminine as I want.  If I am more concerned I can be more careful with powder and color to draw attention to things I want to highlight.  Cisgender women do these things all the time.  I've heard the most important customer for makeup is yourself because it builds confidence, and that confidence takes care of what makeup (and FFS) can't do. 

Julia is right.  Whether you are more attracted to women or men (or both) is irrelevant.  In my own case I've found my answer has changed over time and I no longer worry about it - I enjoy it.

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Robin, I am so glad you are here!  Thank you for becoming a member, I am looking forward to seeing you around.

All the best,

Kendra

Hi Robin 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you all for your warm welcome and wisdom 

I've spent the past few days really contemplating the reality of it all. Making sure I fully understand what I'm saying and understanding what its going to be like to transition. Not just enamored with the end result of where I want to be and whether or not its truly something I want to do.

Ultimately, beyond any other unanswered questions I have, being told I'm not trans or telling myself the same seems like an unacceptable conclusion. I guess that says it all..

You'll definitely see me around.

P.S. Thats the first time I've ever used the name Robin. It felt so right, I didn't even think twice about it when you all called me that. Thanks for that