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Coming out to loved ones.

Started by Sam79, August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM

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Sam79

Quote from: Tommie_9 on August 18, 2017, 06:26:03 PM
Hi, Sam79,

Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week. I had already discussed it with my wife after gradually revealing a female presentation to her over the past few years. We're soulmates, having just celebrated our 34th anniversary together and surviving a lot of very hard times together. I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she's putting up a good front, seems okay and is supportive. I learned from my sister-in-law via email this week that the family had been talking about "Tommy" changing her name to "Tommie" on social media and using that name on my blog. Honestly, I kinda rolled that out there on purpose, along with my pierced earrings, to ease into coming out, if that's possible. I don't care how you go about it, it's traumatic emotionally. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I confirmed it individually, not as a group. To my relief, my conservative family expressed their love and support. The sister-in-law I mentioned privately admitted to me that she was excited for me, and that she had "non-binary" feelings, her words, which she had been exploring for a long time. Now, we're close sisters, ha, and I'm keeping her secret! You just never know. The reason I felt I had to come out is that we were all together, which never happens, because of my Dad's death. It was obvious that my gender identity and sexual orientation (I was presenting as feminine androgynous, not fully female) was the elephant in the room and a bit of a distraction from grieving and honoring our sweet Dad. I'm mentally exhausted but so relieved. I did lose a long-time best friend I came out to, though. I'm not responsible for another's reaction, and I know I'll make new friends more aligned with my authentic self. I'm so thankful for this forum and how it's helping me cope with everything.

Much, much love your way,

Tommie
Thanks for posting Tommie, so sorry to hear about your dad it must be a terrible thing to deal with. I'm glad your family are dealing with your coming out well, I can only hope mine receive the news half as well. Good luck with everything xx

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Ashley3

Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?

I agree with what many of the others have said... always assume when you tell one person whom you trust that you may be telling the world.

It's not that there isn't a time to risk telling a secret with the hope you have a true friend... I personally think it's great to take a dip into that pond when you feel it's right. The question for each is what does "when you feel it's right" mean? I don't think it means when you feel exhilarated or euphoric in early transitional stages (which it sounds like you're beyond). Those moments can affect one's perception into having them over commit and trust too early and/or with the wrong people.

I think some transitioners can share too hastily with the notion there's ultimately nothing wrong with it, and so-n-so is trustworthy, but are disillusioned afterwards. Being patient, working to summon wisdom, is really the way. It sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

I was personally petrified at early times in my transition, while also possessing spurts of an ever-growing "who cares?" attitude. It's as if my way forward was to deal with my fear by taking dives that scared me but I knew I wanted to be past the fears because... after all... what's the big deal anyway? In all cases, though, I always figured if the world knew, who cares?

Another way to express my experience here is, even though I had fears and therefore sort of really cared and was scared about who knew, I found myself taking action and dealing with those fears by accepting the world knew. I feel I'm fairly strong against marginalization and that sort of thing... so my litmus test for when to take dives of sharing could be more haphazard... I don't need anybody who's a jerk amidst my truth despite my having fears of experiencing those theoretical "jerks" thinking such of me... I think generally nobody wants to be disliked by others... it can be a scary prospect...

Anyway, the "who cares" attitude in me grew larger and larger and won over time yet I've had down times from the part of me who cared what others think... those have so far been fewer than the wins... at least so far...

I think folks need to be honest about what they can handle... and perhaps a good way might be to ask how you'd feel if your supposed trusting friend turned out to be completely untrusting. If you see a way of managing that, then it's probably okay to share. I think the real problem comes from folks sharing too much in a hasty manner perhaps founded on early transition euphoria... a great day has them telling the world and then they wake up and see who is who... so to speak. It sounds like you're considering things carefully so I see that's not you.

Best of luck with it... sounds like you're going to be just fine.
  • skype:Ashley3?call
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Sam79

Quote from: Ashley3 on August 19, 2017, 03:30:33 AM
I agree with what many of the others have said... always assume when you tell one person whom you trust that you may be telling the world.

It's not that there isn't a time to risk telling a secret with the hope you have a true friend... I personally think it's great to take a dip into that pond when you feel it's right. The question for each is what does "when you feel it's right" mean? I don't think it means when you feel exhilarated or euphoric in early transitional stages (which it sounds like you're beyond). Those moments can affect one's perception into having them over commit and trust too early and/or with the wrong people.

I think some transitioners can share too hastily with the notion there's ultimately nothing wrong with it, and so-n-so is trustworthy, but are disillusioned afterwards. Being patient, working to summon wisdom, is really the way. It sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

I was personally petrified at early times in my transition, while also possessing spurts of an ever-growing "who cares?" attitude. It's as if my way forward was to deal with my fear by taking dives that scared me but I knew I wanted to be past the fears because... after all... what's the big deal anyway? In all cases, though, I always figured if the world knew, who cares?

Another way to express my experience here is, even though I had fears and therefore sort of really cared and was scared about who knew, I found myself taking action and dealing with those fears by accepting the world knew. I feel I'm fairly strong against marginalization and that sort of thing... so my litmus test for when to take dives of sharing could be more haphazard... I don't need anybody who's a jerk amidst my truth despite my having fears of experiencing those theoretical "jerks" thinking such of me... I think generally nobody wants to be disliked by others... it can be a scary prospect...

Anyway, the "who cares" attitude in me grew larger and larger and won over time yet I've had down times from the part of me who cared what others think... those have so far been fewer than the wins... at least so far...

I think folks need to be honest about what they can handle... and perhaps a good way might be to ask how you'd feel if your supposed trusting friend turned out to be completely untrusting. If you see a way of managing that, then it's probably okay to share. I think the real problem comes from folks sharing too much in a hasty manner perhaps founded on early transition euphoria... a great day has them telling the world and then they wake up and see who is who... so to speak. It sounds like you're considering things carefully so I see that's not you.

Best of luck with it... sounds like you're going to be just fine.
Thanks Ashley, that's kind of you. Those are wise words and yes I'm not in a euphoric state. I'm not sure I ever was, just accepting and careful really. xx

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Charlotte F

Quote from: Tommie_9 on August 18, 2017, 06:26:03 PM
Very timely topic for me. On top of the incredible shock and stress this week of my Dad's suicide, I basically HAD to "come out" to my siblings this week

I'm so sorry to hear that Tommie.  That's a terrible thing to happen at any time but I can't imagine how much extra emotional stress & anxiety that must have created at this point in your life

My thoughts are with you

Charlotte x
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JoanneB

Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.

So choose wisely Grass Hopper.

If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?

OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"

How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?

If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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Gertrude

Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.

So choose wisely Grass Hopper.

If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?

OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"

How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?

If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Or give them a fashion show


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Sam79

Quote from: Gertrude on August 19, 2017, 10:09:46 PM
Or give them a fashion show


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[emoji1], that would be one heck of a way to do it. xx

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Sam79

Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.

So choose wisely Grass Hopper.

If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?

OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"

How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?

If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time
Right now, I guess they don't need to know but it does feel like it's only a matter of weeks or months before something has to give. My GD kind of arrives in waves but  each one is a little more pronounced than the last. Thank you Joanne your perspective gives me a little more to think about. xx

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Giordana Scorsin

I told first to one close friend and she was like... Okay. That's fine. You have to love yourself and stuff, but I don't feel much confidence.

So I told another friends and they were pretty amazing. And then... After a week, I decided to tell my boyfriend. And he is the best man in the world. He comforted me. I told him via WhatsApp after telling him for days that was something wrong with me but I wanted to talk in person (he's in his town with his parents and family) - until the day I couldn't hold it anymore.

I sent a big message telling everything that I was feeling and thinking and he just said: I love you for who you are, not for how you look or present yourself. It was harsh, I cried a looooooot, but it was lovely.
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Serana95

Quote from: Sam79 on August 18, 2017, 03:02:02 AM
In short how did you do it?

My wife knows I'm trans and it seems ever so slowly she is becoming accepting of it. :)

I want to tell my best friend, I feel like she'll be cool with it but I just don't know what to say. More over should I tell anybody before I see my GP?

I rarely see my siblings so right now I'm slightly less concerned about how they would take it. Any advice is greatly appreciated. xx

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I just told everyone that i see on a weekly basis. I cant say there's an easy way, some people won't take it well but they just don't understand what its like, and they may never. Just remember to be true to yourself and remember they may not understand but if they love you and are worth keeping around they'll accept you anyways.

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Sam79

Quote from: Serana95 on August 21, 2017, 02:50:37 AM
I just told everyone that i see on a weekly basis. I cant say there's an easy way, some people won't take it well but they just don't understand what its like, and they may never. Just remember to be true to yourself and remember they may not understand but if they love you and are worth keeping around they'll accept you anyways.

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If only I was so bold. [emoji3] xx

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Ashley3

Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
...Why? ... How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve? ...

Great point... I've found asking Why? about any of this stuff is really helpful... I find it's all to easy for me to assume the Why? is just obvious but when I stop and ask myself and think about the question, sometimes I find it's just not necessary to deal with xyz. Deeply thinking about the Why also seems a good way to curb seeking something else under the guise of sharing one's secret. (...not that anybody is doing that here... it just seems a good self-check as emotions and needs can be tricky sometimes, especially through transition I feel.)
  • skype:Ashley3?call
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Gertrude

Quote from: JoanneB on August 19, 2017, 08:01:08 PM
Kinda like Cindy said... There are no Do-Overs.

So choose wisely Grass Hopper.

If you do not yet know ABSOLUTELY where you are on the spectrum and how where that is "May" have an affect on them.... Why?

OK OK... I've wrestled this too. You are Only As Sick as your Secrets... I want to feel Genuine. And my wife saying "Are you F'ng CRAZY? Why?"

How important is it To You... for them to know what you are struggling with? If you find a means to mange the GD while preserving the facade.... What purpose does it serve?

If it is, or becomes, important, you tell them and hope for the best, expect the worse... in time

Authenticity. The façade is like carrying a 200lb sack of crap on ones back. For me, I want to be and feel like a human being. Now I feel like a fraud.


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