Let me start by saying the terror I am feeling right now even just registering for this site and posting this introduction is unreal. As I type this I am not even sure I am going to be able to hit post. As such, I apologize if this post comes across as disjointed or I start making weird jokes as a defense mechanism. I also apologize if this is too much back story, but... well, I've never brought it up anywhere, ever, before so I might be venting a little.
Ok, so... moving on past that little preface...
First (well, not first since I said the previous stuff, but you know what I mean), hello to everyone and thank you for this place. In all of my searches for answers I keep winding up back here and some sub-->-bleeped-<-s, but... well, ->-bleeped-<- is ->-bleeped-<-. Annnnd a text message alert just went off next to me and nearly gave me a heart attack while typing. (I have anxiety issues if that isn't already readily apparent. :X)
So... me and why I'm here. To put some of the following numbers in perspective here, I am in my mid 30s right now. Like many of the stories I've read here and elsewhere, I began wondering about my gender fairly early. I don't know that I was particularly conscious of it as early as some people seem to have been, and due to my complete nerd-dom (even the name I registered as is just a reference to an all time favorite video game character) I eschewed traditionally male activities without delving into traditionally female activities either. (In other words, even I had been born genetically female, I probably would have done the same things.) But I remember when I was probably 9 or 10 I started to really wonder about certain things, and probably gave my dad a minor heart attack when I started asking him about if it was possible to have a sex change one night (which I guess even as a kid I knew wasn't "normal", as I remember distinctly trying to hide the questioning as simple curiosity and not something I wanted to do, despite the fact I very much did). Over the remaining tween/teen years I kept my mouth shut, though I got caught trying on womens' clothes once or twice but it was sort of just ignored. Mostly I lived heavily in fantasy worlds while lying in bed each night.
I also think I sublimated a lot of my feelings by gravitating towards female video game characters. If it was a game you created or could choose a character, I made or played as a woman every last time, and when questioned about it I had some quick excuses that were complete lies. My favorite was "Well if I'm going to spend 100 hours looking at a character's butt, I want it to be a woman's!" That seemed to make sense to people, even though it wasn't remotely my reason. Going to cut the rest of this short a bit because I feel like I'm rambling too much and still have a question I need to get to (I tend to do that).
So summary version of the next 20 years until now: I have severe anxiety issues (which I'm more and more believing are tied heavily into the gender issue) that basically led to me becoming a shut-in for my entire 20s and living off the graces of my amazing mother. Then my mother got cancer, and I took care of her until she passed away a few years ago. I bring this up not looking for pity, but as explanation. Going through that level of loss made me realize that everything else I had been afraid of all of those years was nothing in comparison. Logistics forced me into an uncomfortable living situation with other family, but over the past few years after my initial dealing with the grief, I've gotten to the point I am trying to get my life in order. Back in school, losing weight, and just generally doing what I've always needed to do. As this has progressed though I keep coming back around more and more to my feelings about gender.
I don't know exactly where I lie on the spectrum, I'm really unsure of everything at the moment in this regard. Which brings me to my request/question... I am hoping to start seeing a gender therapist, and I am having trouble navigating the waters, and am looking for any help that people may be able to offer. The large post on this forum with a sort of master list is daunting, and I'm worried potentially a little out of date. I managed to work up the courage to try to contact one name that was recommended repeatedly, Marybeth Markham (oh god was hitting send on that little webform an agonizing decision that took the better part of 3 hours to finally go through with), only to be told that she isn't accepting out of state patients. So given my anxiety issues, that set me back a little bit and I'm finding it difficult to reach out to other names on the various lists and recommendations, and I'm hoping that a few current opinions or pointers will take the edge off and allow me to get the nerve to contact others. If there is a more appropriate sub-forum for this sort of discussion, let me know and I will post there. (I didn't notice it in passing, and am kind of rushing through this before people get home.)
