Hi, I'm new to this site, though I've viewed posts as a guest years ago. I didn't find a "questioning" forum, and figured I could post here? 

I'm male assigned and started questioning my gender when I was 16. I saw one of those Oprah specials with sad stories about trans women, and was immediately paralyzed with fear. Up until then, I was sure I was a gay kid, and then the fear weighed down on me: I would have to come out again? I came up with ways to reaffirm my maleness. Less performative, and more mind tricks, like repeating to myself that I was a man and not a woman. I have always been effeminate and it has felt easier to say that I'm a gay man, a queer person. Throughout college, I identified as genderqueer and was open with friends about not feeling like a man or woman. I even spoke with my mom about it, and my younger brother, too.

I guess I figured the feelings of uncertainty surrounding my gender would eventually go away. I'm now 30 years old, and continue to question. I recently started a job where I have to dress professionally, and have been feeling a lot of dysphoria. However, while I'm effeminate, I don't particularly see myself in women's clothing either. Or maybe I have never allowed myself to enjoy the thought of it. The thing that brings me back is that, sexually, in order to orgasm, I usually imagine myself as a woman. This has been the most consistent feeling throughout my questioning.

I live in NYC and would like to meet people here. I know I need to get back into therapy. Phew. Thanks for listening.

Antia212 thank you for registering and for posting.  I initially hesitated at doing both (registering and posting), and then I discovered people here have been incredibly helpful.  Took me awhile but I figured out passively viewing something has no comparison to dialogue and discovery. 

One thing I would suggest is please introduce yourself in the Introductions forum. 

But back to your questions here in the Coming Out forum.  I know firsthand how difficult this can be.  My stress leading up to coming out as transgender was more difficult than paying to have thousands of hair follicles carefully fried off during 200 hours of electrolysis - and I have done both.  But coming out was one of the most suddenly rewarding things I have done.  Coming out eliminated an entire category of "what if" calculations rolling around my head that caused lack of sleep and an increasing noise of distraction.  Many of us have experienced less than perfect results, and some quite negative - but even the worst results answer fundamental questions we all have and it adds up to moving forward with our lives.  How will our family respond, will that person embrace with love or cling to obsolete social traditions.  And which of our friends truly are friends or mere acquaintances.  There is only one way to find out. 

Coming out as transgender is like jumping in a mountain lake.  The temperature might be perfect.  It might be too cold - freezing cold - but life is full of potential experiences and we shouldn't limit ourselves with unnecessary constraints.  My only caution is for those where coming out may cause issues with safety within the family as some minors have encountered. 

My other thought on your question is - gender identity does not have to fit a particular definition or binary.  You have already been comfortable considering yourself genderqueer or fluid and that may be an excellent answer for you.  Or you may decide to adjust closer to a specific gender.  You should be what you truly are and makes you the happiest. 

Since this is your first post I am going to add some information we always provide to new members.  This information helps save you time and explains some of the unique aspects of Susan's.

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.,kn

I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

I commend you for asking a difficult question and for considering your future.  I think you will do well.

Kendra

Thank you for your response and suggestions, Kendra. It was definitely one of those days. I hope my post wasn't insensitive in any way. I realize now that I really needed to express my frustration somehow. It's the first time I shared some of those things, and though I did it through an anonymous profile, I do feel some relief.

I will introduce myself in the Introductions forum I feel more ready than ever to move forward, though I know it will be a slow process for me. It's taken me 14 years to get here.

Quote from: antia212 on August 25, 2017, 10:31:25 PM
Thank you for your response and suggestions, Kendra. It was definitely one of those days. I hope my post wasn't insensitive in any way. I realize now that I really needed to express my frustration somehow. It's the first time I shared some of those things, and though I did it through an anonymous profile, I do feel some relief.

I will introduce myself in the Introductions forum I feel more ready than ever to move forward, though I know it will be a slow process for me. It's taken me 14 years to get here.

  Hi Anita,

  I'm Laurie. Welcome to our little site, okay okay it's a huge site. We have all kinds of good information here in many different categories. I understand the questioning, I questioned what the heck is wrong with me for almost 65 years. It took me 64 years to get to here. Not just to this site but to where I can be who I've always wished I could be. I'm not there yet but I am working on it and for the most part it makes me happy. I say for the most part because there are downsides to transitioning and the decisions I have made. It isn't all good. Rather it is a roller coaster ride with it's ups and downs. None of the downs since I've started transition can match the devastation of divorce, losing my long term job, and my dad dying withing 6 months. Much of my problems were caused in part by my dysphoria. I nearly didn't recover from it. It took a long time but I'm still here. Life can be tough, I'm going through a pretty tough time right now involving family. But I'll be okay because I can share  what I go through with my sisters here and they help prop me up when it get hard. They are family to me also.
  This is  what you can look forward to by joining us. Come on in.

Hugs,
   Laurie