I don't fit in as a man. I don't fit in as a woman. I go to MTF support groups and I don't fit in there. I see crap on this site and sometimes I just want to slap someone and ask what the hell are you thinking.

One thing I know for sure is that I am a total bitch. No doubt about it. But I won't steal from you. I won't cheat on you. I won't tell your secrets. I won't lie to you. I will do everything in my power to not hurt you unless you hurt me, but then my personal rules above apply. And if you need anything and I can provide it and it's within reason, it's yours.

There are times when I think of killing myself. Then there are times everything is awesome. All I want is a clear head. But the chronic pain won't allow it half of the time. I've lost everything more than once so losing it all again would not be that big ad a deal. Or it could be the straw that broke the camels back. And when I mean everything I mean everything. House, car, clothes and all possessions. So tell why am I here??? Why are you here?? What is the meaning of life??


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Why am I here? It's better than watching hours of mindless television. I feel that I have helped others avoid at least some of the difficulties I faced. After my roommate died, the first couple of years were spent untangling a messy estate and now I am in a big house in a bedroom community all by myself. It's TV or the web.

Why are you here? I have an idea but I am not really sure. However, I have a question for you. If you had one wish, what would it be? What is the one thing you want that you don't have?

If I had one wish. Just one. And it could be anything? Anything at all. It would be for everybody(the whole world) to choose love instead of hate. Hate is a disease and the whole world is slowly being infected.


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Oh and if I could have one thing for me personally it would just be a best friend. I need someone to talk to. That's not my wife, a therapist, a support group or a forum. Somebody who would drive over and give me a hug when I need it. No matter when I need it.


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Quote from: Norma Lynne on August 22, 2017, 08:54:31 PM
Oh and if I could have one thing for me personally it would just be a best friend. I need someone to talk to. That's not my wife, a therapist, a support group or a forum. Somebody who would drive over and give me a hug when I need it. No matter when I need it.

You have read my mind on this one.  I don't have a lot of friends I can tell about this or if they would even understand.  My wife is staying with me and loves me but it's hard to talk about all this with her as she sees me as the woman that is devouring her husband and needs time to adjust.  She is great and has helped me a lot but it still would be nice to have some to talk with that understands.

Why am I here? Really not sure other than hoping to find meaning to all this maybe even an understanding of how to deal with being different from others.

Yes, I hear you.  It's the main reason I'm opening up and going to support groups.  I got scared and angry during my last two attempts at transition.  I want and need friends.  Next meeting Norma Lynn I'll meet you there.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Norma Lynne on August 22, 2017, 08:49:53 PM
If I had one wish. Just one. And it could be anything? Anything at all. It would be for everybody(the whole world) to choose love instead of hate. Hate is a disease and the whole world is slowly being infected.


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It's always been the way it is for the most part. If anything, we've gotten a little better, at least in modern western countries. 30 years ago we couldn't even have this conversation. Progress is always slower than we'd like. I'm not normal either, but what does that mean? Left handed people aren't either. The choice comes down to living authentically or not and living with the consequences of that choice. You'll know if the weight is too much.


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Sounds normal to me. You are only who you are. Don't try to fit in, let the world mold around you.

Quote from: Charlene2017 on August 22, 2017, 09:15:59 PM
You have read my mind on this one.  I don't have a lot of friends I can tell about this or if they would even understand.  My wife is staying with me and loves me but it's hard to talk about all this with her as she sees me as the woman that is devouring her husband and needs time to adjust.  She is great and has helped me a lot but it still would be nice to have some to talk with that understands.

Why am I here? Really not sure other than hoping to find meaning to all this maybe even an understanding of how to deal with being different from others.

Charlene
I totally understand about the not being able to talk to your wife. It's still hard when she says she supports you in this and just wants you happy. But when you talk to her about it and even though you believe she actually does support you, she still sends out these vibes that make you uncomfortable to talk to her about most of this. And also if you need to talk you can message me anytime. My ear is always here if someone needs it.


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Normal? What's that? 'Normal' requires a baseline. No two people are alike, so there's no such thing as 'normal'.

Quote from: Norma Lynne on August 22, 2017, 06:09:07 PM
But I won't steal from you. I won't cheat on you. I won't tell your secrets. I won't lie to you. I will do everything in my power to not hurt you unless you hurt me, but then my personal rules above apply. And if you need anything and I can provide it and it's within reason, it's yours.

This means you're a good person. That's what's truly important.

I'm raving normal, well normal for me that is.

Quote from: Norma Lynne on August 25, 2017, 03:08:21 AM
Charlene
I totally understand about the not being able to talk to your wife. It's still hard when she says she supports you in this and just wants you happy. But when you talk to her about it and even though you believe she actually does support you, she still sends out these vibes that make you uncomfortable to talk to her about most of this. And also if you need to talk you can message me anytime. My ear is always here if someone needs it.

She is getting better with it as we did pick up a couple of sports bras tonight for me after I picked her up from work.  Even the one we got, she made the suggestion to try.  I told her I was looking at this one at a Sport Chek's for going on my walks as my shirts are killing my nipples.  I've always had sensitive nipples but they are a lot more with just a month + on hormones.  She did ask me a while ago to take it slow so I am trying but it is hard at times.

I would try and message you but I am not allowed to click on user names yet.  I guess I need to reach a certain level first.

Charlene

"And in each universe, there's a copy of you witnessing one or the other outcome, thinking — incorrectly — that your reality is the only reality," Greene wrote in "The Hidden Reality."

The meaning of life is simple, we are offsprings of infinite universes that rise and fall for infinity, there are infinite copies of are current universe, and infinite timelines running. The beginning of our universe started with gravitational singularity (in which gravitation field becomes infinite), at the beginning of this universe it was only composed extremely heated plasma photons/electrons, then the heated plasma cooled down to create helium (first element on the periodic table), then more cooling, rest is history, stars die/galaxies died/white holes gave out ingredients to create H2O, Earth was created way before water hit it, but then Earth hit the genetic lottery and water formed on Earth, and was kept because of gravity, and as more cooling happened, life forms began from single cell organism-millions of years later-humans form with brain intelligence. Humans become extinct, Sun will die and bust and give out ingredients for future baby Earth(s) the cycle repeats in an infinite distance in OUR current universe. The universe "dies" not essential die, but there's an infinite amount of universes and parallel universes happening so this is happening again. And the laws of physics do not apply to all "universes".

There's multiple theories of time, but I'll give out two easy ones.... the present is only fixed; the past and the future do not exist. Or time is simultaneous, the future and past are both "present"= real, your death is already happened for infinity. When we die, we believe that is it.... but our lives are repeating into infinity so we essentially never die, just are not aware of "ourselves" in the infinite versions of time. We are being born right now. The past and future are the present.

The 'true' state of the universe may be one of simultaneity. But we as human beings do not experience that due to our fixed perceptions (for some reason). Humans also created religion as a way to ease of death, but we die for infinity, and we born for infinity.

The meaning of life is INFINITY, everything is infinite, and never ending, and past and future are infinite simultaneous in infinite universes, infinite worlds, infinite Earths, infinite time dimensions.

Also your persona/ego, is a self created object because the human brain creates this existence. In the infinite universes you are every life form, every rock, tree, or nothing, once our brain dies we cease to exist (but we exist for eternity; future and past happening NOW). You won't realize ever because the dimensions are set in stone. It's all you, and not you. "You" does not exist, it's just an illusion. Think total infinity (time, universes, planets, timelines, histories, the repeating "big bang" on this for a while.).... I can't explain why this exist. None of this is you, because you exist for infinity. Wrap your mind on you existing for infinity for a while. Infinite futures happened to you too, you die from a car accident in an infinite universe. Everything is like infinite mirrors, with infinite reflections.

I hope this isn't the meaning of life, because I am just babbling right now.

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https://www.space.com/18811-multiple-universes-5-theories.html

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In theory with the future already happened, people are reading this same post 100-200-500 years into the future, (but I question this; if the future has the technology for time traveling why have they not visit us yet). At least send a message or something. They know the dates of these posts, so they can time travel to this date and place to prove its all real.

Normal is an act people play ...

Everybody has loved and lost
Everybody has deeper feelings they need to resolve
Everybody makes mistakes
Everybody is trying to figure out who they are
Everybody is evolving ... so long as they don't resign and stand still!

Hi,

In my personal experience, I found great benefit in working with a licenced (PhD) psychologist with significant experience with trans people and trans issues. She helped me to learn the truth about myself. 

In spite of an imminent separation from my wife of many years, I'm beyond the 5 stages of grief and am now truly happy.

This was a process, and came about after many sessions over several months. I'm so grateful I found her.

I really really don't want to be mean. But if one more person recommends a therapist I am going to scream. I have more than one I can call when I need to see one. And I would bet. That 2 of them have more experience with transgender than anybody anybody could recommend me go to. In my opinion recommending a therapist is something you do when you really have nothing to say that will help. Maybe if I was a newbie it might pertain. But I have been in this journey for over 7 years. (My whole life if you count the time I've wanted to be a girl) but 7 years since I have know I was transgender. And the first step I ever did was to see a therapist. It is actually insulting to me to recommend a therapist to me. Sorry but it's how I feel. I refuse to hold in my feelings anymore. Save the therapist talk for the newbies.


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I think the company of other ladies is what would work better.  I know it would for me.

Hi,

I understand about not fitting in. I feel that I do not fit in but that may not always be my the case but that is how I feel.

A friend at work is a transman and is stealth. I expressed that I just do not fit in a CIS world. He said my friend you must fit into a CIS world. I know what he meant. I can not focus on the aggressions and not nsults  get every day that really take a toll. I need to be better than my CIS counterparts and not bring attention to my being trans or complain about all the crap I get at work.

There is a guy at work I grew up with. We were very friendly prior to transition and we would talk every time we saw each other. I had been 19 months of him ignoring my existence . Friday we were on a elevator together and I said hello and he said hi. The first thought was he said hi by accident. I will see how it progresses.

I purchased a 5 year old used car last week. My 2001 car died. The sales manager asked if I could stop by Friday with my legal name change paperwork . I am a ghost with my new name and needed to have credit ran with my dead name. I stopped in and the receptioest yell to the sales manager, can you help this this ah ah ( in my mind I kept saying say woman). The sales manager came over and thanked me for company in and copied my name change paper. I then left.


Today my ex wife asked if I was happy with my upper lip. I asked why and she said it does not look good. I take crap from her every day. I sai I am tired of hearing evey day how bad everything I wear or how I look is. She then said a bunch of negative stuff. I walked out and took a long drive.

I am getting use to it. I feel like I am such a misfit and do not belong. I am learning to not need the approval of others. It is really hard but every day I get hit with crap. The trick is to not allow it to stick and if need be walk away.

Quote from: Rachel on August 26, 2017, 11:01:56 PM
Hi,

I understand about not fitting in. I feel that I do not fit in but that may not always be my the case but that is how I feel.

A friend at work is a transman and is stealth. I expressed that I just do not fit in a CIS world. He said my friend you must fit into a CIS world. I know what he meant. I can not focus on the aggressions and not nsults  get every day that really take a toll. I need to be better than my CIS counterparts and not bring attention to my being trans or complain about all the crap I get at work.

There is a guy at work I grew up with. We were very friendly prior to transition and we would talk every time we saw each other. I had been 19 months of him ignoring my existence . Friday we were on a elevator together and I said hello and he said hi. The first thought was he said hi by accident. I will see how it progresses.

I purchased a 5 year old used car last week. My 2001 car died. The sales manager asked if I could stop by Friday with my legal name change paperwork . I am a ghost with my new name and needed to have credit ran with my dead name. I stopped in and the receptioest yell to the sales manager, can you help this this ah ah ( in my mind I kept saying say woman). The sales manager came over and thanked me for company in and copied my name change paper. I then left.


Today my ex wife asked if I was happy with my upper lip. I asked why and she said it does not look good. I take crap from her every day. I sai I am tired of hearing evey day how bad everything I wear or how I look is. She then said a bunch of negative stuff. I walked out and took a long drive.

I am getting use to it. I feel like I am such a misfit and do not belong. I am learning to not need the approval of others. It is really hard but every day I get hit with crap. The trick is to not allow it to stick and if need be walk away.

The crap people say and think are just their insecurities. I would think it would be easier to just accept everybody as they are. Than to remember why you think you have to dislike who or what everyone around you is.

One thing I know is you are not a misfit and you do belong. You belong with us. We care about you. We will be there for you. Yes kind of opposite of the thread but I started it while I was having some hormonal issues.

And you know you are going to have to explain the ex-wife thing. Because when my ex-wife became my ex-wife she was already not in my life anymore. Why do you take crap from her everyday. Remember when someone says you don't look good like this or that they are jealous of something.


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