Hello, I'm new to the site, though I've browsed it in the past. I finally decided to post yesterday after a day with lots of "noise" in my head. It was suggested I introduce myself here

I'll start with a little bit about myself. I was an effeminate child. Preferred to stay home with my mother and sisters than go to baseball practice with my brothers. Early on I realized it wasn't okay to like stereotypically feminine things, and even though I enjoyed playing with girls, I convinced myself that it was my only option for friendship and that I didn't 'really' like playing with them. I remember fantasizing about being a girl, and when I started going through puberty, I imagined myself flirting with boys as a girl, too. Sexual fantasies have always involved me imagining myself in a female body. I'm now 30 years old, and it's still the easiest way for me to orgasm.

I came out as gay at 14, and at 16, I learned more about trans identities. The idea of being trans terrified me because of the fear of losing my family, of disappointing them, or of regretting it. I came up with mind tricks where I would reaffirm myself as a guy. I have never attempted to perform masculinity. I wouldn't know how to, to be honest. I just hoped that someday it would go away. That I would know that I'm just another effeminate gay man. I have even envied other gay men because in my mind it feels like the easier option.

During college I talked openly about being genderqueer, about neither feeling like a man nor a woman. I spoke openly about not understanding how someone just knew that they were one thing or the other other. I majored in gender and queer studies, eventually got a phd in it. I thought that intellectually understanding gender would solve the problem. I still feel passionate about it even though I'm no longer in academia.

Identifying as genderqueer brought a lot of relief, and I met a couple of other people that were assigned male at birth that also felt the same. I felt heard and understood for the first time. Since then, those two friends have transitioned and identity as MTF transsexuals. Of course, their coming out has made me feel incredibly dysphoric.

There are several instances when my anxiety gets pretty horrible: when I start dating a new guy; whenever I don't have something major to stress about, like a thesis or big exam; and as my hair recedes/thins. It was recently causing me so much discomfort that I got on finasteride.

I think I'm ready to openly talk about this in therapy and to meet other trans people. I live in NYC.

I don't know where all of this will take me, but there's a lot of fear. I wonder if any trans women felt like this at first and eventually came out?




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Welcome to Susan's Place. Nearly everybody on the site faced fear until they had their transition underway. It's what keeps us in the closet, keeps us from discussing it with family or our spouse and keeps us awake at night. There are a few on the site who were lucky enough to be spotted at a very young age and managed to avoid living in fear but the remainder of us had to be the one who made the first move. If you read a bunch of introductions, you will find this is a pretty common theme in them. Just remember that you can discuss this with us anytime and we won't judge you.

Welcome to the site antia.  As one of the unnoficial greeters here I can tell you that  sometimes we make things way too complicated.  Much of that is bargaining I think.  That's been my experience anyway.  What you have described mirrors my journey in many ways.  The childhood gender nonconformity.  The gay identity.  The fear of what my family will do.  The poignant longing as I watched other transgender women transition to female.  The sexual fantasies of assuming the female role (which I think is a HUGE red flag IMO because it reflects a female identity on a very primal level).  It's all VERY common.  The only relevant question that really matters at this point is what want to do about it. 

The only suggestion I could give you is to explore something we call RLE (Real Life Experience).  You can learn more about this and much more on this site. You came to the right place.  We want to ease the discomfort you feel.  We've ALL been there.  RLE will give you the opportunity to explore how you feel when you are gendered female by others.  For most of us it a very powerfull experience and makes it crystal clear to us that this is the way we want to live our lives.  You may discover you are non-binary.  It's all good.  But you have nothing to be ashamed about.  It's 100% totally natural. Shame around this is "The Stigma." Transphobia.  It's very powerful and it clouds our thinking.  The shame is paying a debt we do not owe.

Quote from: antia212 on August 26, 2017, 06:09:01 PM
> I majored in gender and queer studies, eventually got a phd in it. I thought that intellectually understanding gender would solve the problem. I still feel passionate about it even though I'm no longer in academia.

Wow!  Well that's one way to get serious about a topic.  And although I never dipped into this particular area in college I can sort of relate - my undergraduate double major was engineering and a music scholarship, and I quit playing music for many years as I ended up analyzing the structure instead of simply enjoying it for what it is. 

I am now discovering some aspects of being transgender are absolutely beautiful and I am not talking about appearance.  Everyone is unique but in my own case this was the missing piece of the puzzle that had baffled me after puberty - for four decades. 

As you know, you are the only person who can or should make these decisions.  What I did was gain real-world knowledge by getting to know people here in addition to eventually sitting down with a gender therapist (I wish I had done both sooner).  Members here range from people just starting to question themselves, to people like Dena who were literally pioneers in this.  I am glad you are here.

Quote from: Janes Groove on August 26, 2017, 06:56:25 PM
> The shame is paying a debt we do not owe.

^ Exactly. ^

Kendra

 Hi Anita,

   It's me again, Laurie. I said hi to you in that other thread. Let me thank you for coming over here to introductions and telling us a little bit more about yourself.
   As far as your story goes I can only relate to your early childhood. I didn't like going to baseball practice either, I only went one day and that was enough for me. I also wasn't much interested in things the boys played with. Army men, jeeps and tanks and boats and planes? Nope not for me. I did like marbles but I think more because of their being pretty than the game. Hopscotch, jacks, and jump rope were the games I liked when the girls would let me play which wasn't all that often. After all I was a boy wasn't I? I had cooties didn't I? I did have some fun in cub scouts and boy scouts but wasn't very interested in making badges and achievements. I preferred camping, cooking good meals and making where I slept more comfortable. I rarely slept on the ground directly. lol 
  The rest of your story I can relate on only in general ways as we all deal with the difficult job of accepting ourselves.  I'll just leave it at that for now Anita and welcome you again to Susan's Place.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hi Antia 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thanks so much for your responses, everyone. I'm already learning so much. <3


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